You don't understand: Part Two

Pregnancy brings on a mix of emotions, including anxiety. I know this to be true. I still remember what it was like to be pregnant for the first time. I was so happy and I dreamed of my baby every second of the day, but I always had a ball of worry within me. It's normal to worry about your future child. Pregnancy prepares you to be a mother, with a mother's worry after all.

Yes, every pregnant woman experiences fear, I know this very well; however, the normal fears of miscarriage in a pregnancy exponentially increases with each loss (because now you know it can happen, and not only once but many times before you can get a  'sticky bean'). You can never compare the fear during pregnancy after you have had a loss. I know from experience that the fear and anxiety after two recurrent losses is even more so than after one loss, at least it is for me.

Both my babies had strong heartbeats. The moment your baby gets a strong heartbeat in the first trimester your chances of miscarriage drastically decreases. It hurts remembering their heartbeats flicker on the monitor--my two precious angels that I carried for a short while, but will never be able to hold. I long for them daily. To lose two babies one after another is uncommon and if I had the money I should have done infertility tests (though most insurances want you to endure through 3 miscarriages before covering the expensive costs of infertility tests...I wish the world realized that these babies were alive and not just something you can abort up to so many weeks). I wish I had some sort of proof that my babies existed. I never got pictures for those ultrasounds...the only proof I had were pregnancy tests which I tossed because the pain was too great looking at them. 

I remember telling someone that I was expecting once again when I was pregnant with my second angel. She was newly pregnant with her first child and she was so happy and excited. I remember being that girl. I remember smiling and talking to my belly and imagining what the baby would look like at each new milestone. 

I know she is and was scared like any pregnant woman who wants her child dearly, but I was actually terrified. I confided in her that I couldn't get excited about mine and I was so scared...but she was so excited about her news that she unknowingly ignored my need of something as simple as a hug.

As I enter this third pregnancy I am so filled with hope and love from my Heavenly Father. Every day I feel like I am about to explode from worry and fear, but when I pray I feel comforted. I don't know what is going to happen with this current baby and I spontaneously cry whenever I think about losing this one, but then I get so happy when I confront my Father in Heaven about my fears. 

My emotions are so messed up and off the charts in every direction. These emotions are not just from my ever increasing hormone levels, because I have been like this since the first miscarriage. My emotions are only amplified with the mother's worry of yet another little miracle growing in my womb. I pray that God will one day allow me to know the joys, and not just the despair that comes with motherhood. 

So, if you see me while I am still carrying this blessing, please give me a hug. Don't tell me it will be okay, because no one but God knows that, but tell me you love me and you are praying for my pregnancy.