New Normal

Up until now, all my blog posts (minus the ones about pregnancy #3) were meant to catch everyone up to speed. They reflect my journey of pain--the journey where I had to struggle to find myself again.

One thing is very clear to me--when you lose a baby, you are often told to move on with life, but life after a loss (or in my case two) will never be the same again. When I've been told to move on by friends and family I picture what my life use to be before this journey of pain began; I will never be that care-free person ever again. Moving on requires me to heal from the pain, grow out of flaws, and to eventually find a 'new' normal. This takes time.

I am still trying to find my new normal because my mind always goes back to "I should be 3 weeks away from holding my first baby" and "I should be over halfway through pregnancy #2" but instead I have to say "I have lost two pregnancies, have no living children, have been pregnant for a total of 22 weeks in the past 8 months, and I am currently 7 weeks pregnant with pregnancy #3." My losses define who I am now. This is my new normal and I have to learn to live with the notion that I will most likely struggle to have the 4 kids I have always wanted.

Yes, my losses define who I am, but that isn't all bad. My losses have strengthened my faith, love, and devotion to life and God. In order to gain a new definition of myself I had to go through the roughest patch of my life and that rough patch is far from over. Unfortunately throughout this journey I have been hurt and I know in my deepest time of sadness I have hurt others. So I ask for forgiveness to those I have hurt when they were only trying to help. I have grown so much, but I am scared some people will only see the Sarah in so much pain and anguish, unable to be happy.

I am happy that I have been able to catch up with my posts, but I know some people have taken them as if I still feel that way. In some ways, I don't feel in fault for my feelings and no one should feel bad for taking time to heal from the raging emotions of loss as long as you are actively trying to recover. I am sorry for the hurt I have caused; however, I can never be sorry for the journey which led me to the feeling of peace I have now. I really appreciate the words President Thomas S. Monson stated in the October 2013 General Conference:

"Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.

This should be our purpose—to persevere and endure, yes, but also to become more spiritually refined as we make our way through sunshine and sorrow. Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life."