Halfway! 20 Week Update

First and foremost I will document my symptoms like I do for all my updates. Easter was terrible. I spent it crying and extremely sick with a cold and I forgot to take my unisom and B6...so I was throwing up like the good old days. Needless to say, my morning sickness is still in full swing. I even throw up while on my unisom and B6 regimen, but it is more manageable. I don't have the all day sickness, mostly the mornings and nights are bad now.I did gain a little bit of the weight back that I originally lost so that is good news!

I now have been diagnosed with bad sciatica, so bad I went to get checked to make sure it was sciatica and not something more serious since I was having contractions along with the back and leg pain. I am glad I got checked even though I was 90% certain it was just sciatica. I would have never forgave myself if it was a warning sign for pre-term labor or a uti/Kidney infection. I was just told that I am one of the lucky women who get severe sciatica early in the pregnancy. It has been so bad that I am done functioning. Cooking? Cleaning? Nah, that is in the past. Now I live and breathe trying to manage the pain. I hear a chiropractor can help. I will have to look into that. I was also told not to stand, sit, or lay down for long periods of time. Now that just makes me laugh! What does that even mean?! I am beginning to really miss having family around. The Easter Holiday was just so lonely spending it pregnant and sick. I am glad we are moving to Wisconsin.

What am I worried about these days? Well, with the pain and sickness I am seeing the 20 week mark as a "20 more weeks of this?" type thing, but even so I am loving every second knowing our boy is strong and active. After two miscarriages I don't care if I am on bedrest all 9 months! Though...any recommendations for netflix? haha! I am also worried about not buying too much for the baby since we will move when the baby is 3.5 months across country. We don't want too much baby bulk!

20 weeks! But I admit, my real goal has always been 24 weeks for viability. That will be the day I will really celebrate because it is the point in the pregnancy where doctors will try to save the baby. That means the world to me.

I watched Coneheads last night and I teared up when Beldar (the father) saved Earth so that he could make his daughter who was raised on Earth happy. Beldar told his daughter: "Your positive perception of me is vital to my existence. Besides, it is not everyday a father can give the world to his child." I feel as if I have gone through Hell and back and this is my way of giving my little one the world.

Which, by the way, we chose a first name for the baby. Actually...this name was picked out long ago (back when pregnant with angel baby #1).  His name will be Nathaniel Gunnell meaning "Gift from God" (with a middle name we have picked but may change). We will most likely just call him Nathan. We love this name so much and feel it was designated for our boy.

As celebration for hitting 20 weeks we made our first purchases for Nathan.

We won't do the crib thing for many reasons. The main reason because we are moving in December, so we decided on a Pack N' Play with a changing table and bassinet. It is very sturdy and holds our dogs very well! We did the build a bear monkey when we found out we were having a boy. We have Nathan's actual heartbeat recorded so when you squeeze the monkey you will hear his heartbeat. We also bought two little suits because they were on sale. I always hate how those suits are expensive, but we bought two for the price of one. We got one for Christmas and the other for Easter time. We got the tuxedo onesie for sale to wear on Sundays until he is older. We weren't going to get the Batman onesie at first even though it was on sale until we realized it has a cape! So Nathan will be Batman for Halloween.

So much Change!

I have had a lot on my mind lately.

Mainly I can't wait till 24 weeks (viability) and for my anatomy scan at that time. Once I know our boy has a good chance to make it I will start allowing myself to buy items. The joys of knowing loss all too well. We will probably start considering names for our baby by then too. But the good news is our blood tests for abnormalities came back all normal and our child is now bouncing around in me constantly letting me know that he is doing alright and I shouldn't worry. I am so grateful I have been able to feel this baby for so long, it gives me a lot of comfort. It's like God knows I needed my baby to be bouncy to keep me from worrying all day every day.

I also think a lot of our move in December to Wisconsin. If this boy makes it, we will have a 3.5 month old and 2 rambunctious puppies to move out. I plan on flying the baby out and Daniel will drive the dogs. We plan on professional movers to get us from Utah to Wisconsin. We may also sell and get rid of a lot of our stuff, so keep an eye out if you want anything. We will have a lot more baby stuff, but we will save getting the crib for Wisconsin and generally try to simplify the baby gear until we move into our new home. I mostly worry about our car making the long trip in the winter as well as finding a house to rent that won't eat away our new budget (yay we won't have to depend on parents as much). We will settle for an apartment only if it has a washer/dryer, allows two dogs, and if it is semi-private. I think we are aiming for privacy and a fenced in yard this time around because we will have a newborn and two dogs...we don't want to be the annoying apartment neighbors. Plus, we plan on buying a house within a year or two after feeling out the area and saving enough for a down payment.

I know there is a lot to do now, but once we settle in we can start over. I know that has been a big thing for me since the first miscarriage--I want out of Utah. I want to start over. New state, new awesome job, possibility of a great grad school, a newborn, and close to my family but still far enough from relatives. I don't think I will ever be up for living too close to family. We like our privacy to an extent. I think my biggest concern on the Washington side of the family is the disance ironically, especially since there will be two boys growing up around the same age. I am worried they will not know our child and this may lead to comparisons. I know my unborn children have already been compared to my sister's kids many times already. I hope everyone will respect my child and my struggle to have this child and not put us through that. We do have plans to visit WA as often as possible and Daniel and I will have to figure out a way to keep our child in the loop...perhaps bi-weekly e-mails?

But I am very excited to live closer to my folks!!! We see those in WA more than I can see my family due to traveling complications, but now it won't be as bad. I can see those nieces and nephews more often and even maybe visit the Boston crowd more. I know I have missed my parents very much and I hate that they miss out on a lot of our lives. I am grateful that we are able to move a distance of 6 hours from them so that they can see this grandchild of theirs grow up. It was always one of my biggest concerns about moving away from Michigan. I am most sad to leave my friends and the geology of Utah, but once we settle in we should be able to come and visit Utah once a year at least. And we will use part of Daniel's vacation time to come out to WA during the summer for them to see the kids, most likely when the Boston crowd is out there as well.

I can't believe how much our lives are going to change in just a matter of 8 months!!! All this change is exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time.

It's a...

We were so nervous to find out the gender on April 10th, but there was nothing to be nervous about! All day the baby was bouncing away and a half hour before leaving for the scan I told Daniel "this baby is asleep!" I had tried drinking orange juice ahead of time, but I think our little monkey wore itself out!! So, yes, this baby was sleeping during the scan, but luckily this little one was not shy at all!!!

And for what you have all been waiting for! Drum roll!!! (Easter Gender Reveal)

 

And some extra photos.....

 

We are blessed with a little boy growing inside me. I am so thankful for this third chance at building a family. Daniel and I both felt we were expecting a boy, especially since I had a dream where this child visited me back in January 2013. I know that it was this little boy who told me that he was ready and wanted to be the first of our children to make it to this earth safely. 

Thank you for all your prayers and we ask that you will continue praying for us for the rest of this journey. We know our little angels are watching out for us and rooting for their little brother to make it into our longing arms.

I also want to thank our wonderful friends, Mark and Bekka, for the photos during one of the busiest weeks of school! Love you guys!

What team are you on?

In just two days we can (hopefully) learn the gender of our active baby. I am most excited! And nervous. I really hope the baby cooperates and isn't shy at all.

I haven't decided if I am team pink or blue. It is difficult for me to decide for many reasons, but we will have to wait and see. Daniel says a boy and my parents say boy. Daniel's dad says girl (but he is almost always wrong).

Daniel was cute this morning when he pulled out our light pink and blue towels and said that we have to use those for the week since it is gender reveal time! I married a cutie!

Thursday (April 10th) at 6pm can't come quick enough for us! We won't announce gender until we can tell parents on Friday. Gunnell siblings will find out via e-mail on Friday for simplicity (we don't have everyone's phone number).

For now, I will just feel this busy one hiccup away the evening and wonder what our future holds.

Are you team pink or blue?

Our Schnoodles

Grey-Shadow and White-Misty (1 year old sisters)

Many people who have one or more losses (or struggle with infertility) end up getting a dog. In my case, we got two dogs! We really did not have plans for two, but they are sisters and we couldn't bear to separate them.

After our first loss I had this overwhelming need to care for something. So when we moved we decided to look into getting a dog. At the time we got our dogs I was almost 7 weeks pregnant. We adopted them from a family on October 2nd and we unexpectedly had our second miscarriage October 7th. I was once again thrown into devastation and unsure if I could ever have children, but now I had two untrained, 1-year old puppies to take care of.

While I was miscarrying at home we had a difficult time keeping the dogs from jumping on my already contracting uterus. I was miserable. I loved our dogs, but they made this initial time worse in a lot of ways. After the actual physical part of the miscarriage they became the best part of 2013. They carried me through my emotional pain. I trained them and loved them. We bonded and became inseparable. There were times my patience was tested during my depression, but the schnoodles always made Daniel and me laugh in our darkest moments. We would be holding each other crying because of yet another trial hitting our tiny family and then the dogs would do something to put a smile on our tear stained faces. They are our little miracles. They drive us crazy with their occasional barking, but they have proven to be very well trained (in most circumstances).

Daniel having one of many heart-to-hearts we have with Shadow.

A lot of angel moms neglect their dogs once they are finally blessed with their rainbow baby and eventually a lot of these dogs are put into shelters. Or I have heard of angel moms abusing the dogs while they were in deep emotional pain from their loss. These things are unacceptable.

I get mad at the dogs occasionally. Like when they throw up on the bed and I stick my hand in it...yeah, that doesn't make me happy. Or when I find that they chewed one of our blankets (only happened once). Or when Shadow ate my earplug (a necessity to sleep when living with Daniel). I have gotten good at getting the dogs to know when I am not pleased. Basically I just show them the object and say 'bad' and they completely get the gist and leave said object alone in the future. I once found them playing tug of war with my flip flop. And just recently I heard Shadow plop my shoe next to her bed and just fall asleep on it. They have never destroyed or actually chewed on our shoes, thank goodness. Luckily these girls learn quickly.

Our dogs know nearly all the commands for when we bring our baby into the world so that they can have an easy adjustment. I will not be the dog owner who neglects my dogs after the baby is born. These dogs are a part of my family and I will never treat them otherwise. Currently they are both sleeping peacefully next to me. They have learned to stay away from my stomach and are very gentle footed when coming to sleep on my lap. I am so happy to have them and I know it will be a challenge adjusting them to a new baby, but I know it is absolutely doable with proper training and attention.

While on bed rest these dogs have been invaluable. They keep me company and honestly they keep me sane. I talk to them a lot. If I didn't have them I would be very lonely through these long months of worry. I am so grateful for our landlords allowing us to have two dogs. I am grateful for their patience in us. I am also grateful for my husband who takes them for walks and lets them outside when I am not feeling well. They were our only happy moment in 2013 and I am glad to have them in our little family. I can't believe they are 1.5 years old now!

Common pregnancy related things we say

1. This baby sure jumps around and is all like bloop, bloop, bloop. (making fish blooping noise and moving my hands in bloop fashion)
2. Can't wait to know if it is a girl or boy! (We find out April 10th)
3. I have to pee!!! (said at least once an hour)
4. I still need to poop today. *sad face* (said once or twice a week)
5. I'm going to lay down now.
6. Daniel: Wow, you are getting big! (Thanks dearest...you make me feel so good about my body. *rolls eyes* JK!!! I think it is great that my belly is growing so much, but I feel huge for 17 weeks)
7. What about this name (insert name) for a girl/boy? (We think we already have names picked for both genders, but it's still early so the name can change)
8. I think I might throw up. (I still say this everyday, but I haven't puked in a week!)
9. Still no weight gain, but I feel like a cow...I am sure I will gain weight now that my appetite is back. (Appetite has been back for a week, still no weight gain but no more weight loss!!)
10. Daniel: What do you want to watch on netflix today? (result of bedrest...so tired of netflix)

Opposition in all things

 2 Nephi 2:27 Verse 11 For it must needs be, that there is an ^aopposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.

I think the hardest part for me lately has been thinking about the milestones I will never reach with my angels. I won't feel them move, I won't get big and round, I won't know the genders, I won't see them bouncing around on ultrasound, and I won't give full term birth to them.

Granted with this rainbow pregnancy I have already felt the baby move many times. This little one is a jumper for sure. I haven't had a real ultrasound since the early scan to see if this baby was healthy at 7 weeks, but I have gotten two quick ultrasounds to check for heartbeat and on those ultrasounds I saw a growing baby wiggling around. I am most eager and anxious for my anatomy scan, but they aren't even going to do that until 24 weeks. Most people get it done around 18-20 weeks. I feel a little ripped off that I have to wait so long. The silly and also completely understandable thing is I feel like it is so far in the future and if I lose this baby that is one more thing I didn't get to experience with this baby. The gender scan is in a week and I am very excited for it. I hope this little one cooperates! I'll be almost 18 weeks at that scan. 

I think of my angels everyday. I know I have been told to get over them, but how do you just forget your children? At least once a week I shed a tear for each of them and I pray that this current pregnancy does not turn from happiness to grief like the previous ones.

I have a feeling we chose our trials before we came to earth--after all this whole earthly experience is about using our agency to prove that we are worthy to come back to our Heavenly Father's presence. So why wouldn't we choose our trials? And why did I pick something so horrid and difficult?! A couple things come to mind: one, I am a person who loves challenges and two, it would bring me closer to God while understanding the loneliness, pain, heartbreak, bitterness, jealousy, and emptiness that comes with child loss. I honestly put this trial (and infertility in general) as one of the top on the hardest trials on this earth list. So if you are going through something like this then you are one tough and courageous mama. I don't think that is said enough these days how strong you are for going through pain the world doesn't understand and even readily diminishes. You are strong to keep trying month after month. My hat is off to you.

As May, June, and July approach I get sadder and sadder. May--the month I was due with our second angel and a Mother's Day where the world won't recognize me as a true mother. June--the month so many people I know are due which will be salt in my wounds even though I am happy for them along with Father's Day where my wonderful spouse won't be recognized as a true father. July--the first angelversary of our first baby. I know everything should be easier now that I am once again expecting in September, but no, in fact in some ways I still just get mad. It should be me holding a nearly 2 month old in my arms! Or it should be me getting ready to welcome a baby into our home in May! Instead, I have to wait while I watch so many others get what I wish was still mine. I know all this sounds selfish and angry. It's just a phase. I just wish those months would come and go quickly and I could just hide from the world. My baby due in September isn't even guaranteed a safe journey. I think that is why I have these feelings even though I am once again pregnant. It's just sadness and fear. I don't always feel this way, but the feelings are getting more painful as these dates are approaching. I still can't hold babies without tearing up. It doesn't help that I have vivid dreams every night that I am having a late miscarriage or pre-term birth. I get tired of seeing my baby so helpless in my dreams.

The only solace I get is the knowledge that I would not have this current pregnancy if I hadn't lost the others. It is solace enough because I love this baby so dearly. I loved them all, but I need this baby to make it. It is the baby that has brought me so much faith, hope, comfort, happiness, and peace. Daniel gave me a priesthood blessing when I first found out we were once again expecting. In that blessing I was told that Heavenly Father wants my happiness and that it would come soon. This child is my happiness and this child is coming. Sometimes I wish I could let people who don't understand child loss feel how deep the depths of despair can be, but how amazingly high hope and love can be as well. Opposition in all things is a cruel but also amazing concept. I wish people could truly understand without going through trials, but that is not how we learn.