Let's get personal.
We have had many trials since his birth. I had a recovery that is still ongoing (fistula from 4th degree tear). Nathaniel had a tongue and lip tie that ended up giving him horrible silent reflux (he would swallow all his spit up down so he was gaining weight but miserable). Doctors kept telling me he was fine because he was gaining weight like a champ and ignored my plea that there was another underlying problem. My heart was set on a breastfeeding relationship. After 3 months of breastfeeding him a few times a day and pumping the rest, Nathan eventually went on a food strike (breast and bottle) because he was in a lot of pain from the reflux. Scared that he wasn't eating we finally got answers at a pediatric dentist and got his frenectomy done a couple weeks before we moved across country. He completely refused to breastfeed during the day by the time he re-learned how to eat. We still breastfed at night until my husband started work and we made the emotional decision to bottle feed from there on out because it was easier for Daniel to feed our son a bottle at night while I pumped. I have been exclusively pumping since. I still get emotional thinking about the time we spent breastfeeding. It was a stressful time, but cherished. I learned that bottle feeding my son breast milk was still beautiful and bonding. Watching him grow because of my milk has been rewarding, no matter the way he is being fed.
Nathan also suffered colic until he was 5-6 months old. He screamed and screamed. He wouldn't nap. He wouldn't eat. After the reflux/tie situation was fixed he was a happier baby and ate better, but still was colicky. I would shut ourselves in a dark bathroom, running the bathroom sink, singing hymns, sometimes crying with Nathan (who was mostly screaming at the top of his lungs), and bouncing/rocking/swaying my son to sleep. Those were hard times for me. Sometimes I would wonder why I wanted a child so badly if I ended up being such a bad parent, unable to take care of one baby. It was only after I found support from other parents with colicky children that I realized that I wasn't a bad parent, but instead I was amazing! When Nathan was asleep for a total of 20 minutes or less, I would pump leaving me with no true break for myself. I had heard of colic before having Nathan. I had heard the stories of what parents called "hell" and even the scary stories of parents/caretakers killing their babies (there were a few of those stories in the media at the time). I had heard the stories of colic, but didn't understand. Now I do. I empathize for those parents. I cry for them. It is the worse feeling when you do everything you can and still end up short.
Though Nathan's nap times were a struggle, I also found peace in those moment while I bounced him in the bathroom. Those were the moments I prayed the hardest, pled the most, and felt overwhelming love and support from our Heavenly Father. It was in those moments that I felt the most love for my beautiful baby boy. Looking back, colic was horrible, but twistedly wonderful because I grew as a person. I have incredible devotion for my miracle baby.
So it may have come as a surprise after reading those struggles that we had ended up pregnant 8 months postpartum (was due January 2016). It wasn't a surprise baby for us. During those bathroom moments I felt strongly that it was time to try for another. I pushed those thoughts away for months. We just had a baby! Why would we want another so soon! But personal revelation was relentless.
After much praying we decided to leave everything in God's hands. We got pregnant right away. But I had thought it was lost early on (chemical pregnancy). I was sad for the early miscarriage, but life kept moving. But then, a few weeks later I started cramping and bleeding and I felt strongly to take another pregnancy test. Positive. Daniel was putting Nathan down for bed and I walked in quietly, showed him the test, and cried. We knew we were adding a third angel baby because I need progesterone from the beginning of a pregnancy and that much bleeding has never been a good sign for us.
We immediately went to the ER and were diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy (a pregnancy where the baby implants into the tubes). We got a large dose of Methotrexate (chemo) and were sent home after spending most of the night in the ER. We were supposed to give talks the next day at church, but instead decided to stay home. It was an emotional couple months as I lost weight, my hair fell out, and I was fatigued. I barely was able to care for our son. My hormone levels went down about 1.5-2 months after the chemo injection. I was truly blessed that I didn't need multiple doses and/or surgery to remove my right tube, but the doctors always mentioned it on the weekly phone calls giving me my blood result tests (so, so many blood draws). They were never happy with my numbers. Eventually we did get the call that the baby was officially terminated. I was finally no longer pregnant. Even though I know that baby would never have survived and had we not acted that I could have died, willingly choosing to inject my body with poison to kill our baby was a traumatic experience.
I had to dump my milk during the first week of chemo. That was emotionally difficult as well, but I was blessed with a large freezer storage of milk. During that time we began giving Nathan a bottle of formula once a day, every other day in order to stretch our freezer stash out a bit longer. During this hard time we had some help and even milk offers and I am grateful for that. Everyone was well-meaning when they said how I should "live for my son" and "be grateful for Nathan," but they don't understand. It was hard coming to terms with the loss since we had to care for our boy. It was a couple weeks after the chemo that Daniel and I were actually able to finally sit and talk about what just happened.
This ectopic meant that I am high risk for more life threatening pregnancies. It means I really could have a lot of problems building my family. I have decided that if we have one more loss that I will get the surgery done to check for endometriosis (highly suspected), but we won't know for a while since we have to wait to try for kids because of the chemo that was in my system. I am grateful we were prompted to try sooner than we were ready because if we had started trying again when we had originally thought and gotten the ectopic, then we would have to wait even longer to have another baby.
I love my son. He is my life and my light. He is my joy. He is my miracle and the proof that my body can bring a live child earth-side. I will never be able to show him how much I love him, because it is not possible. I don't quite fear the future. I have peace leaving everything to Heavenly Father. He has never led me wrong. I know He has mourned with me each time we have lost a baby. I know He rejoices with us as we watch Nathan grow.
