Little Blob

This pregnancy I have been doing really well with relaxing and leaving the well-being of my little blob up to Heavenly Father. There has only been a few times when I became stressed or fearful of the future, but they came at understandable times.

The day of our ultrasound I was getting more and more nervous. The morning started off differently than planned. I had an emergency visit with the nurse for a possible kidney infection. Luckily, if I do have one it is a mild case and I have now been put on new antibiotics with instructions to go to the ER immediately if I develop a fever.

Also, morning sickness is in full swing (I've had morning sickness since week 5) and I haven't been able to drink water without feeling really sick, so I was put on Zofran. Hopefully it works but apparently my insurance won't cover it without my doctors saying if it is necessary and we haven't called the doctors back yet. It is necessary if drinking water is necessary (water is so nasty to me right now)! Come on insurance, get with the program! I am happy morning sickness has arrived! The first time I hurled I was thrilled because I never got that sick with the others. Our dogs were really worried about me though!!!

A half hour before the ultrasound I have to admit, I bawled my eyes out with worry. I prayed hard that we would be strong and able to overcome anything. While the sonographer was looking at the baby, my heart was pounding so fast! After two miscarriages she delivered the happiest news to us "well, looks like it is in the right place and it is measuring exactly where we want it. And a strong heart rate of 153bpm!" The only concern she had was some liquid surrounding the sac and reassured us that if we have any spotting that it could be the liquid being absorbed; however, to call and come in for an ultrasound anyways. She also said my left ovary was being pinched by my growing uterus and that why I must be having these super sharp pains.

Afterwards she handed us pictures, something we never got when we had ultrasounds for our lost babies. This was the first time our baby measured within a day of my LMP (Last Menstrual Period). My cycles are 30 days, not the typical 28, so the baby measuring one day behind was actually perfectly acceptable.

I have a tilted uterus so I had a transvaginal ultrasound. When I was ready to put my pants back on Daniel stopped me and said "Do you want to put your pants on, or can I have a hug first?" It was still a sentimental hug, but I typically want to re-clothe as soon as possible after being in a doctors office! It was sweet seeing his red eyes filled with those happy tears that we haven't had in so very long. It was a good day, but now we have to wait 3 weeks for our next appointment.

I am not normally one to post pictures of my uterus on facebook, so I will just put them in the blog (just in case people don't want to see it). I personally don't really like to see strange people's ultrasound pictures.

New Normal

Up until now, all my blog posts (minus the ones about pregnancy #3) were meant to catch everyone up to speed. They reflect my journey of pain--the journey where I had to struggle to find myself again.

One thing is very clear to me--when you lose a baby, you are often told to move on with life, but life after a loss (or in my case two) will never be the same again. When I've been told to move on by friends and family I picture what my life use to be before this journey of pain began; I will never be that care-free person ever again. Moving on requires me to heal from the pain, grow out of flaws, and to eventually find a 'new' normal. This takes time.

I am still trying to find my new normal because my mind always goes back to "I should be 3 weeks away from holding my first baby" and "I should be over halfway through pregnancy #2" but instead I have to say "I have lost two pregnancies, have no living children, have been pregnant for a total of 22 weeks in the past 8 months, and I am currently 7 weeks pregnant with pregnancy #3." My losses define who I am now. This is my new normal and I have to learn to live with the notion that I will most likely struggle to have the 4 kids I have always wanted.

Yes, my losses define who I am, but that isn't all bad. My losses have strengthened my faith, love, and devotion to life and God. In order to gain a new definition of myself I had to go through the roughest patch of my life and that rough patch is far from over. Unfortunately throughout this journey I have been hurt and I know in my deepest time of sadness I have hurt others. So I ask for forgiveness to those I have hurt when they were only trying to help. I have grown so much, but I am scared some people will only see the Sarah in so much pain and anguish, unable to be happy.

I am happy that I have been able to catch up with my posts, but I know some people have taken them as if I still feel that way. In some ways, I don't feel in fault for my feelings and no one should feel bad for taking time to heal from the raging emotions of loss as long as you are actively trying to recover. I am sorry for the hurt I have caused; however, I can never be sorry for the journey which led me to the feeling of peace I have now. I really appreciate the words President Thomas S. Monson stated in the October 2013 General Conference:

"Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.

This should be our purpose—to persevere and endure, yes, but also to become more spiritually refined as we make our way through sunshine and sorrow. Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life."

My Individual Grief Process

We've all heard there is a little something called the stages of grief. When a tragedy occurs it is necessary and common to undergo these stages. They are also very individualistic and each person doesn't necessarily have to experience all the stages of grief. It is not uncommon to go back and forth and spend various amounts of time between them. My grief overlapped for months with depression and anger before I was able to graduate to acceptance. 

Denial, Numbness, and Shock: As I went through both miscarriages I found it best to numb myself. It was just easier to ignore the problem and just push through it. This came in handy at post-miscarriage doctors appointments, but in the end it delayed the healing process. I admit, it was nice focusing on the contractions and taking care of myself while I miscarried and not thinking about all that was now lost in my life. I have learned that during the miscarriage process it is best to be calm and concentrate on allowing your body to dispel the baby--fighting this process through hysterical fits of tears only increased the pain and delayed the inevitable.

Bargaining: I never really went through this stage. I never thought it would do any good. I mean, who would I bargain with? Would I pray to God to grant me a baby and promise in return to follow Him every second of the day? No. I already have made covenants to follow the commandments and to never forsake Him. I found the bargaining step pointless; however, I understand why someone would need to go through it. Bargaining allows you to feel like you are able to do something about the problem. For me, it was never a step of grief, but while I was still pregnant with my second baby I do remember promising that I would raise the baby up in righteousness. I don't quite think I was bargaining. I was mostly telling God how I plan to raise my children.

Depression: Now this step was the one that took the cake and ate it all. All my life I have suffered small forms of depression. When I got married I struggled with how my depression might effect my husband. It was one of our bigger trials as newlyweds, but even so, together we conquered it beautifully. It took time, like everything does, but I learned to recognize depression triggers and to communicate at a much higher level. Really, communication is the key during a depression.

After my second miscarriage I suffered a severe allergic reaction to the penicillin given to fight my urinary tract infection that I had while still pregnant. I couldn't breathe, I had a nasty red rash all over my body, and I swelled up. Daniel thought my big lips were hilarious though! I went to the Instacare and got a nice juicy shot and prescriptions for steroids.Shortly after I began treating my reaction, we had a visitor from a dear friend of mine. She stayed for a week and kept my mind off things as I healed. Together we went to GSA (Geological Society of America) and I presented some research. This was only 2 weeks after the miscarriage. I had absolutely no time to grieve. No time to accept what happened. Life moved on so quickly.

While at GSA a couple friends announced their pregnancies on facebook. I knew it was coming. I had actually planned on announcing my pregnancy around the same time, so it was a dagger to my heart. That same day, I received news of my old violin teacher (who became one of my closest friends.) Her cancer had taken a turn for the worst. I remember crying and suddenly I was thrown into the depression that had alluded me. I flew back to Utah and tried my best not to cry in the airport. All I wanted was to be home with Daniel.

In November, many more people announced their pregnancies, including a family member. My violin friend passed away this month after I had tried so long to get in contact with her one last time. I was so sad I wasn't able to say goodbye, but it comforts me that my mother was able to see her a few weeks before she passed. This dear friend said she would ask God to send me a baby. I think about this often and really hope that I will have a child one day.

In November I also struggled with my health. I got many infections and was constantly put on antibiotics. One antibiotic, Cipro, destroyed my ligaments and to this day my left leg hurts when I walk. I was also told there was something wrong with my uterus. After weeks of worry I got the ultrasound results back--my uterus was perfectly healthy. So much worry for nothing! The antibiotics destroyed my digestive track and made me poorly. It wasn't until mid-December when I started feeling like my normal self again. 

Needless to say, I stayed in a deep depression until December. We had to hold off trying for kids in November due to my health and that made November the most depressing month. Some women choose to take a break after they have a miscarriage and others only heal when they are able to try again for a baby. I am by far the latter version. I was beyond excited when I got the green light from my doctors in mid-December. I was finally able to move on and heal.

Anger: I believe this stage also includes jealousy. I was never angry at God, like many people choose to be, but I was angry at my doctors. I was angry at how I was treated by them. I was angry they didn't catch that darn UTI. I was angry it took over a week to diagnose and to choose an antibiotic to give me. I was angry at people who chose to leave me in my time of need. I was angry I couldn't keep a baby. I was angry that I received such little support. I was angry at women who complained about pregnancy when I had to say goodbye to two beautiful souls.

It seemed like every week someone close to me announced they were expecting. I have never been a jealous person. I have been jealous before, but never the kind that suffocated me constantly. It didn't make it easy for me when a relative flaunted their pregnancy in our faces and in the same conversation offered us money only a month after our second loss (though I know they didn't mean it to come off that way). It also didn't make it easy when another family member posted as a facebook joke that she was once again pregnant when she wasn't (she didn't mean any harm either). It is difficult in a deep depression not to take things personally and I hope these family members can forgive me for how I felt.

It took me a long time to realize what the problem was. I realized that I wasn't jealous. Yes, it definitely started off as that awful monster, but when analyzing my feelings it turned out I was extremely happy for all my pregnant friends, even if many chose to never talk to me again. Of all people, those who experience losses know that a baby is the biggest miracle we can experience. In fact, that makes it extra hard for those of us experiencing loss, because we haven't experienced the full miracle for ourselves yet. It was the constant reminder of all Daniel and I have lost that made every baby and gender announcement rolling through our facebook feed that more difficult. It reminded us of the milestones we were never able to reach with those two angels, even if I have been pregnant a total of 22 weeks in the past 8 months.

Acceptance: Acceptance was delayed because so much happened between the miscarriage and now. I remember saying to Daniel "it can't get worse than this!" and then we would have bigger financial troubles, I would develop another UTI, someone would die, or I would find out that another friend was pregnant. I remember telling Daniel that I knew our relative was going to get pregnant during our deepest depression and sure enough it happened.

In December when I was beginning to feel better we both chose to learn to live again. We went out to movies and out to eat. We took walks and went to see the Nutcracker. We hung out with the remainder of our friends and life began looking up. The Holidays were not so sad because of the love we felt from friends who recognized we were prone to sadness during typically happy times. Holidays can be the worse after losing all that you loved and wanted.

I hated the jealousy I was feeling and chose to serve others and as I did I was healed from that dark pit. I never want to be jealous again, but it is very understandable when you have lost babies and/or are experiencing infertility. My heart goes out to all the grieving mothers who are experiencing negative feelings because I understand and it is nothing to be ashamed of. I know many people think I am an awful person for having been jealous and angry, but it is normal and no one will understand unless they go through loss or infertility themselves.

Personal revelation was thrown at me as I prayed, studied the scriptures, and pondered where my life was heading. Back in November I remember having many overwhelming feelings that things were going to start getting better. The first sign that our life was improving was the ultrasound showing my normal uterus. The next was when the pain I had been feeling in my lower abdomen and lower back began to lessen enough for me to enjoy life again. It makes life so much easier knowing I have and never will be forsaken by Heavenly Father and His Son.

We found out we were once again expecting at the beginning of January 2014. I am scared everyday, but the harrowing trials I endured and conquered after our last loss has helped me find peace. This peace allows me to enjoy every second with my new baby. I know I may not carry this baby to full term, but I have chosen to love and enjoy every second and take the challenges when they come. Honestly, pregnancy after two losses is a HUGE challenge of its own. Thankfully, I now have great doctors and I am doing all that I can to ensure this baby has the best chance it can.

6 Week Mark Blah

Today hasn't been the best day for me.

First, Daniel's computer has decided to crap out and he has been trying all day to fix it (making for a very fun Saturday). He could drop another 300 dollars to fix it...but that isn't happening. We really want an all-in-one computer. There is one at Costco we are just drooling about, but at the moment we aren't going to dump 1500 dollars on a computer when we are finally crawling out of the depressing hole of credit card debt (due to lovely doctors bills from last year). Right now Daniel will have to use what's left of his laptop and I may have to sacrifice mine to his schooling and work. Yay for being frugal! Yep...did I mention his laptop is just over year old and we have already had to get it fixed once? ugh.

Second, I am wicked tired. I have recently started a hormone therapy for this dear baby growing inside me. Since starting, I have literally spent all day in the bed, but then I started getting restless leg syndrome. I blame my extra fatigue on the progesterone suppositories. Before I took the progesterone I thought I was tired; I could have taken a nap at any moment in the day before I took the progesterone, but I still found the energy to exercise, clean, and get ready. Now, my eyes seem to shut on their own, even if I take a nap. I can't get enough sleep. I feel like the living dead. My apartment truly reflects the way I feel right now.

Third, the progesterone therapy is making me cramp to the extreme. As long as I don't see blood I won't worry too much about it. My ultrasound is coming up on January 28th at 7 week 3 days, so I am hoping to hold out till then.

Fourth, I have lost a small bit of weight because I am having major food aversions. Daniel has gone out and gotten me things that I am craving, but after I eat a few bites I never want to see the food again. I am actually really happy about this because I never had such bad food aversions in my other pregnancies so I am hoping it is a good sign! At the same time, nothing sounds good--not even water even though I am so very thirsty! I gag down my large pre-natals every day too (4 pills a day).

Fifth, the last time I was pregnant I started bleeding at this point in the pregnancy. I am grateful that this baby seems to be doing better than the last. At the same time I get a little sad as I think of my last pregnancy. I don't know how much time this little one will have with me. I guess I am just sad because I am remembering the last loss more today than I have in quite a while. It's a reminder that things don't always go the way we want or plan. I know this feeling will pass as I continue in my pregnancy. Plus, I feel like I have been there, done that with this part of pregnancy. I can't wait to get farther along so I can experience new things!

All in all, I am happy for the fatigue, pain, and aversions because I am pregnant again and I am hoping this baby is a fighter. I say, bring on the morning sickness and round ligament pain! I can't wait for this baby to ninja kick me in the cervix and bladder!!

Ruthless UTI--Losing Baby #2

Surprisingly I handled this miscarriage really well initially. It wasn't until other problems reared their ugly heads that the grief of this miscarriage took over my life.

My Second Miscarriage (Nicole Gunnell):

I went to the doctor and expressed my concern for my right sided pain. They said they didn't want to check for an ectopic because the chances of me having one was slim. Even though I didn't have an ectopic, and I am so extremely grateful, it would have eased my mind to have been checked.

After describing the pain I was having the doctors told me "it's normal round ligament pain." The doctors also didn't check for a UTI, which I had every symptom, they just said it was all normal. I chose to believe them for that visit, but the pain was getting worse each day. I had never had a UTI before in my life and didn't know how they felt, now I am very aware.

The day before we moved I started spotting and I felt even sharper stabbing pains on my right side. I decided to go to the Instacare to get checked for a UTI. They almost turned me away saying "we can't take care of pregnant ladies, go to the ER." I had to express that I wasn't looking for an ultrasound, just a simple test to see if I had an infection. What a night. The doctor was nice. My dip test came back normal and he said to take antibiotics anyway because I had every symptom for an infection. The first antibiotic he gave me turned out to be useless--it wouldn't attack the specific bacteria in my body.

I got a call nearly a week later that I did indeed have an infection and the antibiotic I was on wouldn't help. I also had told the doctor many times I was pregnant. There are a few antibiotics you can give an expecting mother, but he prescribed me a new one that was high on the red flag list. I immediately called my OBGYN and they gave me a new prescription, one that wouldn't help my infection again. I had to call many times and a week later I was given amoxicillin. Unfortunately, I had begun miscarrying October 5, 2013 at 7 weeks pregnant.

The moment I saw the blood clots  I told Daniel that I wanted to go to the ER to rule out an ectopic pregnancy since my pain was still severe. Even though I knew I had a UTI I wanted to be sure there were no other major complications. I am glad I went to the ER even though I have family members who scoff at that decision. If I hadn't gone I wouldn't have had that last moment with my baby--the little heartbeat flickering away.

Before I went to the ER I prayed that this miscarriage would go swiftly...in some ways it did, but in others it was dragged out. The technician performing my ultrasound was taken off guard. He turned the screen to me and showed me that my baby was moving through my uterus. I got to see my baby leaving me. What an amazing opportunity and a sad one as well. I wonder when that baby officially died, because halfway through my uterus the heart was still flickering away.

That night I had some really bad contractions. Our new apartment didn't have working heat and I was shivering through each of the contractions. I tried to sleep on the couch...but in the end I stayed awake all night with the pain and cold. I contracted for 36 hours, a lot more than when I lost my first baby (contracted for only 3 hours).

During my miscarriage I had people coming to the door and I knew I looked awful. They now know what I was going through at the time, but I wish I had ignored the door because it was a distraction I didn't want. Because our heat wasn't working our landlords had someone come by to fix the heat. I remember sitting in the room in a lot of pain and not being able to run to the bathroom to pass clots because of the worker coming and going.

It was also conference Sunday when I was miscarrying. I had the conference on TV, but I didn't listen or watch. A friend came over and kept me company. Once again, I am so thankful for friends who didn't leave me in my deepest time of need.

On Monday (October 7th) I went to the ER once again, this time because I knew something was wrong. The only good that came out of the trip was another ultrasound, but this one showed my empty womb. The ER doctor did nothing for my concern. I felt things were stuck in my cervix...he didn't even check my cervix. What a crappy doctor...one of many.

The following day I went to my OBGYN. I was beginning to get tired of nurses saying "I'm so sorry." I told the nurse it was fine, and I really was, but all she said was "no, it isn't fine." I know she was trying to be concerned and nice, but what I needed at that appointment was to be straight-talked to because if one more person expressed their condolences I was going to cry in front of everyone.

I told my doctor that I felt like the miscarriage wasn't over because I felt material stuck in my cervix and it was painful and uncomfortable. It wouldn't pass on it's own like a lot of the other material. He checked my cervix and told me it was clogged with clots and tissue. He had the nurse run to get tools. She was very slow and kept getting the wrong tools. She ended up going in and out of the room while the doctor had me exposed for all the world to see through that whole procedure. Ugh. I hate doctors and nurses.

The doctor began taking pieces out of my cervix. He warned me that I would begin to feel the miscarriage start up again. I did. At one point he expressed how impresssed he was that I wasn't crying because what he was doing was painful. The nurse had brought me tissues before he began. I didn't use them. In truth I wanted to cry because it hurt and I was sad, but when he said he was impressed I made a mental note not to cry. I began to bleed again quickly afterward. The contractions began again as well. I saw the many pieces of clots and tissue he had pulled out of my open cervix. The words the doctor said to me afterwards still ring in my head--"you have had two pregnancies and no living children? Bummer, better luck next time." I cancelled my early ultrasound I had scheduled weeks ago at the front desk. That ultrasound would have occurred just 2 days later if I hadn't lost the baby. There were so many large pregnant ladies in the office. It feels like a walk of failure and shame when you cancel your future appointments and leave completely empty inside. I walked out of the office and cried. I lost track of all the hours I contracted.

I was very numb through this whole miscarriage. I remember thinking that I was now a professional at losing babies. I never would wish that feeling on anyone. Our new dogs would later become great comforts, but through the miscarriage they were nuisances. They would jump on my abdomen and increase my pain. We had to get pet sitters since they would whine while we were away. We had gotten them less than a week before my miscarriage. I am grateful for our pet sitters. Luckily, our dogs have been cured of their separation anxiety.

I didn't have time to come to terms with this loss until late in November. So much happened throughout October and November. Our life was spiraling out of control. I kept thinking things couldn't get worse, but then they would. People kept asking why I wasn't over the second baby, but I didn't feel like explaining the problems I was having with my health, apartment, dogs, family, and friends. Looking back I still completely understand why I was so depressed and lonely. But that is all for another post.

The Move--Baby #2 Part Two

I mention moving as a segment of Baby #2's story because if we hadn't moved life would be much different. 

Before we lost our second baby, I was busy packing and getting ready to move out of our old apartment. It was a really exciting time because I hated our old place for many reasons--3 minute hot showers, smelly cupboards, it reminded me of my first miscarriage, loud upstairs neighbors which included fighting and a screaming newborn, sounds of pipes when toilets were flushed, slanted walls, air unit in only our front room, nasty carpet, and internet which never worked. The main upsides of that apartment were the view of the mountain from my front window and it had huge rooms.

While I was packing in September I found myself with no energy to pack. That was the big hint that I was pregnant. Luckily, I have a wonderful friend who helped.

A day before the move I began bleeding, but it was only a small amount and doctors weren't worried. I was worried though. I know bleeding in pregnancy can be normal, but I began having flash backs to my first pregnancy and my bleeding then only started with just a little bit of spotting.

The day of the move I was useless and I felt awful for not helping. Because I had begun to bleed I knew I had to take it easy...but how do you do that when there is no where to sit and you have to help by directing traffic? I was blessed yet again to have friends who recognized that I was wiped and needed to rest. They came over the day after the move and unpacked pretty much everything!!! I can not say how grateful I am for my extraordinary friends!

I really enjoy our new apartment. My complaints are minor and the positives are numerous. The roughest month in our new apartment was October, but that is obvious given we had just moved, adopted dogs, I had an allergic reaction to penicillin, I had a conference to attend, and we lost our baby.

I love having a washer, dryer, and dishwasher. Our landlords allow us to have dogs and honestly, though the first couple months with the dogs were rough because we were grieving, they were the greatest part of 2013.

I also like the smaller apartment. I was worried when we moved that I would dislike the size, but I find myself being much happier, plus our bathroom and kitchen are bigger here. We also have hot water (which we probably utilize too much since we served our time without that luxury). I miss our view of the mountains, but we don't have to walk far to campus or the park.

We also have heated floors and I love not hearing the heat come on all the time! Throughout the day it can be very quiet. At our old apartment I was never able to take a nap because our neighbors were incredibly loud even though I wear earplugs when I sleep. In our new place we do hear our landlords across the wall, and at times it is pretty loud...I do wonder if they can hear us, but most of the time it is wonderfully quiet.

Moving was a great decision even though it happened at the worst possible time.

Confusing Blessing--Baby #2 Part One

I found out I was once again pregnant in September 2013. I was so happy! I was especially happy that we were blessed with conceiving so quickly--though I hear after a miscarriage you can be more fertile.

My emotions were rampant...I was happy, but unsure. In fact, my journal entry says "with the past loss, I am scared for this new baby. I am already ecstatic about being a mother again. I love this baby. It's so difficult for me not to think about how wonderful a child will be."

Daniel gave me a blessing which reassured me everything would be alright and that I would "have and carry the baby." He also said I have gone through a devastating trial "but at this time it (the trial) is not required of us." I took the blessing to mean that I would go full term and have my baby.

After losing this particular baby we struggled with the meaning of the blessing. I have prayed about both my babies. I believe my first baby is waiting for me. My second baby I have never received strong revelation on, but I feel he/she might have another chance to join our family on earth. I truly believe Baby #2 was supposed to be with our family this May if it weren't for neglectful doctors.

I also realized months later that this trial was extremely different than when I lost the first baby. With the first I had to struggle with the typical depression, facing family when I felt like a failure, and not knowing what the future held.

This past loss I had in October 2013 I had many more trials. I had much more to learn. I faced debilitating depression, anger, jealousy, loneliness, and so much more. I had changed drastically as a person; I didn't even recognize myself, and not in a good way. The pain and sense of loss when so many others around me were announcing and finding out the gender of their individual babies when I will never know those milestones with either of my babies was extreme. I learned a lot about faith, prayer, and the atonement, but at the same time I was facing problems I never had to deal with previously.

Blessings don't always mean what you think they mean. I knew this before I lost the baby, but now that lesson has been drilled home. I had to struggle understanding faith. God doesn't lie. “My word … shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same” (D&C 1:38).

When the blessing said I will have the baby...it means that I will have the baby, just not when I wanted. When the blessing said I didn't have to go through the trial again, I thought it meant I wouldn't miscarry again. I didn't realize my second miscarriage would leave me facing deeper trials that I didn't have to deal with the first time around.

I have also learned to ask for strength and for my righteous desires to come in Heavenly Father's time. When I pray I now humbly acknowledge that I am not in control, and when it comes to pregnancy I have to let go and trust the Lord to know what is in my best interest. It is hard to acknowledge those things because in my heart I want my babies, every one of them. At the same time, I know God only gives me trials and experiences to allow me to grow and become an amazingly strong woman for my future children and my dearest husband.

In some ways it is comforting to let God take control of my pregnancies. Leaving the outcome to God is also scary, but that is where I have relied heavily on faith. I know I will not be forsaken by our loving Father in Heaven, and really, that is all I need to know.

Shopping for Doctors

This pregnancy has been a bit stressful because I haven't been able to find a doctor that fits my needs. Everyone I talk to seems lucky enough to have a doctor that will gladly reassure them that things are alright or be willing to help when things are awry.

I went to the doctor last Monday (January 6) and I was treated terribly because I wasn't 10 weeks pregnant. "Come back when you are 10 weeks." "Why are you here?" I just wanted to make a 'game plan' with the doctor to know if she was the one for me. I mentioned to the doctor that I have never made it to 10 weeks and had to fight for an early ultrasound at 8 weeks. She has been crossed off my list.

I made an appointment with another place for today. I have no idea if I will like this place, but I have heard good things about it. I just want a doctor who will comfort my fears and try anything in his power to help this be a healthy pregnancy. I am tired of looking. If my appointment today doesn't go well I will just remain with my original doctor...who can't even get me in until the end of January and with my history, that would be the time I could miscarry and be too late. So stressful.

Ticking Time Bomb

That's how I feel all the time--like none of this will last. Most days I am full of faith and have the reassurance that whatever comes my way will make me stronger. I know I can get through anything when I rely on the Lord.

However, some days I feel like this baby only has a limited time with me because the others only stayed a short while. I try to enjoy every moment I am granted with this baby, but I find myself thinking about how I am going to handle another miscarriage.

I was really bloated the other day, so much that my pants were getting a bit tight. Daniel cheerfully said "let's get you new pants!" In response I just got really sad when I realized that I have another week down...another week closer to when I could lose the baby. I told Daniel that I don't want to bother getting new pants, because in a couple weeks I will be able to fit perfectly into my old jeans again.

Many pregnant women look forward to each new week, being able to say they are that much more closer to being a mother, but for me it is one less week with my baby. I know this may not be true, but part of me feels like it is okay if I mentally prepare myself for a third miscarriage.

But amidst the fear, faith still remains...I just know that if this baby is a sticky one that I will be the happiest and most grateful mother alive.

Praying for a Rainbow

When I was younger I remember praying to see a beautiful rainbow even though the sun had been shining all day with no rain in sight. I practiced my child-like faith and God in response answered my prayers. I stepped out of the house onto our porch and in front of me was the most vibrant double rainbow I have ever seen to this day. It amazed me that God would answer a mere child's innocent prayer so quickly and effortlessly.

God answers the prayers of those who practice their faith in Him. He may not answer them in the way we want or in our timing, but He will never forsake those with righteous desires.

I am praying for a rainbow once again. When I struggle, I try to remember back to that day when Heavenly Father gave a young girl her rainbow. Our Father is incredibly loving and won't let our struggles be in vain, but will strengthen our faith, just as He strengthened my faith when I was younger. I know that this baby I carry is loved and blessed. I pray everyday that this baby will be my rainbow after the storm.

Facing family after losing baby #1

With the first loss I was sad, even depressed for a while, but I knew that miscarriages happen. I really thought my rainbow would come whenever I would get pregnant again. This is what allowed me to heal fairly quickly after the first loss compared to my second, but I still was hit with the typical depression women can get after they have a baby. For me, when my hormones decreased I was out of whack, but I didn't get to hold my baby. I believe the time between the miscarriage and your first period is the most depressing. This is because your hormones are balancing out and you want your period to know your body is back to normal.

During the wait for my period I went to see family in Washington. Before we left I was sad, but I was fine. During the trip to Washington I hit rock bottom. It was probably the combination of the miscarriage hitting home and the fact I had to be around family. I just spiraled down into my own little hell for that weekend. After Washington I bounced back again, slowly, but I healed.

In some ways Daniel and I felt forced to go to Washington--we weren't pregnant anymore and therefore the worry of miscarriage was over, and we knew this was our chance to see the nieces and nephews. I know we weren't forced, but we felt like we had to get over our loss and join the rest of the family.

We stayed in the new house alone. This was a huge blessing because it allowed me to be private with my husband. Every time we were alone I would cry for an hour until I got the strength to face family again.

It was especially difficult feeling like I was the elephant in the room. I secretly wanted someone to talk to me about what I had gone through, but I have learned that this family can be a bit fluffy (which is a big pet peeve of mine, I believe in being real and not pretending certain problems don't exist).

One person tried to talk to me in private, but butchered her words and made me hurt more. I know she meant well and I recognize that now, but back then I was too depressed to try to understand. I actually did want to talk to her, but the timing was always off.

There was a couple in the family who said some hurtful things to us when we told them we were pregnant with our first baby. They said it jokingly, but Daniel and I could tell that it was more than a joke. They made it feel like getting pregnant and having a baby was a competition. It felt like they tainted that baby with jealousy, bitterness, and competition instead of being happy and full of love.

The trip to Washington was too soon for me to talk to this couple even though they tried inviting us out to lunch when everyone else was at the amusement park. They assumed we didn't like amusement parks because we weren't going to spend all day with the kids. I actually LOVE amusement parks, but the truth was I was bleeding and had the very small possibility that I could be pregnant again. Because I was bleeding I decided swimming wasn't an option and because pregnancy was once again an option I chose to stay off rides. I only went to the amusement park to be with the kids even though I know I let them down because I didn't go on many of the rides.

I was treated slightly different by one of the nieces as well. I wasn't able to attend her baptism because of the miscarriage and she seemed to ignore me. It hurt so bad because I love this little girl so very much. I was saddened that I let her down. The day before we left Washington she came up to me and said that she heard about what happened to my baby. I didn't know how to respond to this other than telling her that we miss the baby very much. After she confronted me she finally loosened up and talked to me once again. I wish I had known that she wanted to bring it up but didn't know how, because then I would have told her it was okay from the start. She was oddly braver than many of the adults.

Daniel's mom and one of his sisters were the Godsend on that trip. In private I could talk to them. Daniel's sister is a beautiful soul and told me it was okay if it hurt to see her new child (who would be about a year older than my child would have been if we didn't lose him). She understood. It did hurt me when I saw her child, but the fact that she understood my hurt and wasn't offended made the trip worthwhile.

My birthday was the worst. We did a family sealing session since Daniel's dad is a sealer. I was excited for this, but also dreaded it because I was such a mess. I was worried I would spontaneously start crying any moment-- after all we were sealing families for time and eternity and there is no doctrine on whether I will be with my angel baby again.

It turned out to be a great part of my birthday. I love the temple so much; however, before we left the temple I used the bathroom and found that I was bleeding again. It wasn't my period, it was still too early (I wouldn't get it for another 2 weeks). This made my birthday very difficult to handle because the cramping was getting worse and suddenly I was bleeding again. I wondered if I had an infection. (I learned much much later that it could have been my body ovulating. Some women bleed and cramp when they ovulate. This is my new norm after the miscarriages.)

On my birthday everyone threw me a surprise party. Normally I would be happy, but being a very introverted person who was entering a state of depression, I was not happy. In fact, that whole party I consistently held back tears. One of the worse parts was when I overheard someone tell a child "No, Sarah is not a mom yet." I understand answering a child's question, but I hadn't heard the question so the answer I would have preferred would be "No, not yet." If I had heard that, I would have assumed the kid wanted something and had to wait for it. Instead I got that electric shock through my body...that wonderful reminder of all I had lost.

Family pictures were taken on my birthday. Daniel and I were the last to get them done and the whole time I was praying that I could just make it through. I hate those pictures because all I see is that stupid fake smile I have on my face and the reminder that I was no longer pregnant. That picture is a reminder of all that I have lost. No one saw Daniel and I getting our pictures taken and the photographer commented how easy it was taking pictures of a couple with no kids and went on to say to us "stay a family of two."

Okay, I do know she was joking, that's in her nature. I also know she didn't know that I was recovering from a lost pregnancy. So I forgave her the moment it happened, but the hurt remained. After holding in my tears that whole day, I finally burst and Daniel shielded me from the family and guided me to the golf course path. We walked and I cried. Daniel held me. I wanted the day to be over. I had to cut the tears short because everyone was waiting to cut the cake. I had to blow out the candles because I was the center of attention.

This all makes it sound like I hate family, but I really don't. I was just not ready to see anyone. I felt like a failure. I know everyone meant well. I know they were trying to cheer me up and make me smile. I don't fault anyone from the pain I chose to experience. None of the pain was their fault. It was just bad timing that the events of my miscarriage would hit me during that trip. Daniel was able to come to terms with the loss the week it happened, but I was in denial and shock. By the time we visited family my life came crumbling down because that was the moment my mind chose to remember and realize what I had lost.

I am grateful for my loving family, and I am sorry that I hurt so much during that trip. I wish I could have handled comments and being around everyone better.  I am thankful for their thoughtfulness in throwing me a surprise party. I love them all very much, even if I don't show it.

It's okay to be sad

After my miscarriages people seemed to give me a few days to grieve, but then some began asking "why are you not over this?" What an awful question to ask. No one would go up to someone who lost a parent, child, sibling, or close friend and ask them days or weeks later why they are still sad!

My babies were everything to me. Before I got pregnant with any of my babies I loved them. So why should I be 100% over the death of my unborn babes so soon...or ever?! With the Plan of Salvation mourning saints have the reassurance that they can be with their loved ones once again after this life; however, it is okay to be sad. After all, we are temporarily separated from our loved ones, it's a trial everyone has to endure in this life.

Latter-day Saints who experience a miscarriage have to truly rely on their faith that things will be alright in the end. There is no doctrine on what happens to babies lost in pregnancy. We know and understand the Plan of Salvation, so we know all is not lost, but we don't quite have the doctrine that we will be with our angel babies again. This is where I have heavily relied on my own personal revelation to put my mind at ease. I really love the quote by Joseph Smith:

"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again …"

       --Joseph Smith--

The Angels in my Life

My mind has often turned to something that someone told me during my trials. They told me that perhaps in the pre-existence we were allowed to pick our earthly family units. If this is so, then my children picked me, just as I picked my parents. I kind of like this idea, because it gives me comfort.

But then, this brings on a whole new meaning of God's individual plan for each of us. For me, God's plan is intricately intertwined with my husband, my close friends, strangers, and my future children. We gain impressions with every person we meet, whether good or bad; family members and friends can directly impact our lives positively or negatively. 

God's plan is perfect and I truly believe He sends people into our lives at the exact time we need them, but He also sends people out of our lives simultaneously. God is truly looking out for us and guiding us--He may not be able to comfort directly, but He sends Earthly Angels to comfort in His stead.

I have some shining personal angels on this earth. I won't name them, because honestly, they know exactly if I am talking about them. They are the ones who let me talk and not feel judged. They are the ones who I can shamelessly become a ball of tears and snot. They are the ones who contact me often to let me know I am not alone. They know my trials and they do everything in their power to help me, even if they don't understand all that I struggle with.

I have one friend who I respect dearly. I know she struggles to know how to help me, because she has directly told me that she doesn't quite understand, but that doesn't make her give up on me. She has been a shining beacon, a therapist, and a great friend to me. She visited me each time as I lost my babies and a couple times a week for quite a while after the fact. I became friends with her just in time for these strenuous trials to engulf my life and she has never once left my side. This is amazing to me when I think of how some close friends disappeared in my deepest time of need, but a friend that I had just come to know became one of the closest confidants I could imagine.

I have a pair of friends who are also thinking about entering the stage to become parents and they have really shown love to my husband and I. She tries to understand my trials and shows so much empathy. She makes me laugh but also makes me cry because of her kindness. She once told me that she wanted me to get pregnant and have a child before her. I think this was because she understood that it sometimes hurts me to see others reaching the stage in life I can only pray for at the moment. It's funny, but the fact she said that and understands my hurt makes me want her to have children all the more. She and her husband will make beautiful parents.

I believe that those friendships were divinely inspired into my life years before these difficult trials began. They are my angels to comfort me when I am alone and life feels hopeless. I have no idea how I would have made it through the holidays without them.

They are a part of God's plan for me. They are in my life to let me know there is still good in this world.

I also believe my future children share a plan with me. I believe that my two angel babies had a plan God gave them and in this plan they didn't have to stay on this earth very long to make an impact.

My individual plan was directly impacted by my angel babies. Without them, I am a grieving mother, but I also have a stronger testimony of God's love for me. I have a stronger desire to live worthily for my lost children. I cling onto faith daily, because when you lose a child that is all you can do. I hope and pray I will see them again. Their brief moment in my life has drastically changed the way I act, the way I will love any children that I can raise in this life, and the way I see the Plan of Salvation.

The story of Angel Baby # 1

Most people don't think of what truly lies behind the miscarriage, especially recurrent ones. Here is the story of my first pregnancy and miscarriage.

I remember Daniel's parents came to visit while I was pregnant with Baby #1.  We didn't tell them I was pregnant at that time, but I completely slept the whole drive to and from Grantsville, Utah! I was pretty beat after standing around at a family reunion and was ready to just relax. I am a quiet person so they probably thought I was tired from getting back from my field course not long before the trip. 

The day before the fourth of July (2013) I began to cramp and bleed. Daniel's sister was supposed to be coming over that night, but Daniel and I decided to call my doctor and I got in for an emergency ultrasound before she came over. The waiting room was empty since it was late in the day before a holiday. It was peaceful, but I was a basket of nerves. What was I going to see on that ultrasound? 

A nice technician invited me into the room and began the transvaginal ultrasound. He was talkative, telling us not too worry, that many women experience bleeding in pregnancy and everything turns out fine. He said my anatomy was picturesque and that I have a tilted uterus. haha. He then turned the screen to Daniel and me. Up till this point I was smiling out of courtesy because all I was thinking about was if my baby was alright! 

This little miracle had a strong heartbeat. I remember Daniel squeezing my hand and thinking "everything will be fine!" Though, I was concerned when the technician said the baby was measuring a little small for how far along I was (7 weeks, we would lose the baby at 8 weeks). I pushed it off in my mind, thinking that I possibly ovulated later in my cycle, though in my heart I knew my cycles have always been clockwork. 

My doctor called after looking at the results and said that we weren't "out of the woods yet." She said the heartbeat was extremely reassuring and told me that I would most likely be absolutely fine. She said I could still fly out to Boston on the 4th to see my nieces and nephew, but in my heart I knew something was off. We called family tentatively, telling our news. I wish we hadn't. I know Daniel was too excited to keep the excitement in any longer. We also cancelled our trip to Boston because I figured if something went wrong, I wanted to be home. 

Daniel's sister came to our door within 10 minutes of us getting back home from the ultrasound. Within those ten minutes I had cried and cried and decided Boston wouldn't happen, even though I really wanted to give the baptism talk to one of my lovely nieces. 

That weekend was beyond stressful for me. I wrote a baptism talk and e-mailed it out to the Boston folks so that someone didn't have to plan a talk last minute. Writing that talk was very difficult. My mind was definitely elsewhere. I had Daniel read it before I e-mailed it out because my mind was not functioning. 

I felt so bad that I wouldn't be able to attend. I felt bad that Daniel's oldest sister had to explain to her kids why I wasn't coming out, then later explain to them what happened to the baby. I can't imagine having that conversation and to this day I feel bad about it. 

That weekend was also a cousin's wedding! It was a happy day! I remember sitting in the temple and feeling the cramping...not the normal cramping during pregnancy. I remember asking if a family member wanted my seat because she was very pregnant, but inside I didn't want to get up because I was bleeding so I was glad she said she was fine. Daniel and I didn't stay for the newlyweds to come out of the Temple. I was in so much pain we went home. 

That Sunday was a baby blessing and my bleeding had stopped that morning. At this point we still had hope everything was going to work out. Honestly, I had hope in the first pregnancy literally till the very end. After sacrament meeting I used the bathroom and I was discouraged when I saw blood once again. The bleeding was still fairly light so I tried not to worry.

On Monday night I remember telling Daniel that my cramping was consistently getting worse. The last thing I said to him before I fell asleep was "I'm scared." That night I woke up to extreme pain on my right side and back. It wasn't a normal miscarriage pain, it was something that to this day I have no idea what it was!

I couldn't stand up straight, my hearing and sight vanished, and I was dizzy and nauseous. I made my way by memory to the bathroom and puked. After I threw up the pain didn't seem to get better, but the nausea disappeared enough for me to make my way, blind, to the bedroom and get the energy to call Daniel's name. He woke up, still groggy until he realized something was terribly wrong. I almost told him to call an ambulance because I couldn't see or hear and I was still hunched in pain. I felt like I couldn't make it down a flight of stairs to the car. 

After what seemed like an eternity my sight and most of my hearing returned suddenly and I was grateful so that I could dress and be guided by Daniel to the car. The drive was agonizing. The bumps amplified the pain. Whatever happened to me that night accelerated the miscarriage process and my bleeding became heavier. I have, to this day, never heard a story similar to mine. This was not normal miscarriage pain.  

At the ER we once again had an ultrasound. The baby was still alive, but the heartbeat was much weaker. We went home and I was still hopeful. All my doctors were hopeful until the end. They kept telling me that this happens sometimes and the baby pulls through. My mind reeled. I was tormented. The major pain was gone, that was honestly the worst pain I had ever felt in my life, but now I had to face the normal pain of miscarriage.

I cramped like normal. My periods have always been rough and I knew I could handle the pain. The part I didn't realize would be difficult was the emotional pain. I typically hide my feelings. I was a closet crier before this happened to me. And now I had to face the indescribable emotional pain, but my physical pain was so great in my abdomen region that the type of extreme crying I needed to do hurt immensely. I had never known until then that emotional pain could be felt throughout your entire body. 

Daniel held me as I hunched over, clutching my abdomen, and crying harder and louder than I have ever done in my life even though I felt all the physical cramps more strongly when I cried that hard. My dear husband cried with me and continued to hold me as I shook. It was what I have called a very sacred moment between the two of us. I have never known such emotional pain and we shared it together.

I prayed hard before going to bed that night, even though I didn't sleep well--this would be the beginning of intense insomnia from that miscarriage. I prayed that things would be fine and that if it was God's will that I would be able to keep the baby by some miracle. This was another one of those moments I will always remember as being sacred. It was the moment I felt peace and the confirmation that the baby was gone and wouldn't make it. It was a sad moment. I was able to get some sleep after that, the last sleep I would get for a whole week. 

The next day was a week from my first ultrasound where we had seen a very healthy baby. During this day a beautiful friend came over and made me laugh through the pain and contractions. I began having the contractions around 4pm and passed the sac at 7pm. I had seen my baby alive only a day before. I learned things are not guaranteed and that things can turn for the absolute worse in moments.

I was blessed with what many would call a quick natural miscarriage. I wasn't told what to expect  from a miscarriage. Doctors didn't really tell me anything because they had been hopeful the entire time. I cradled the sac with my baby in it. It was the only time I was able to hold my baby. I stared at it and thought 'it's over." 

My doctors appointment the next day was alright, if a bit cruel. The doctor kept telling me everything was still alright and there was a chance that things are fine! I remember looking at this doctor and shaking my head as I passed the tissue over to him. He pushed the sac around with his hand and agreed it was over. He asked if I wanted the tissue...I was caught off guard and said no. I regretted that decision the moment I walked out of his office. He threw what was once my hopes and dreams in the medical waste as I cancelled any future prenatal appointments at the front desk. I didn't cry until we had left the building and got into the car to go home.

Telling family and friends who had known about the baby was our next step and was devastating reliving it each time. My mom and dad had been out of town for a few days and I wasn't able to contact them during the hardest part of my life. My mom is a great comfort to me, and all I wanted and still want to this day is for her to hug me.

I was so traumatized that I didn't sleep for a week. I got one more ultrasound which showed an empty womb. This ultrasound was done by the same technician who was joking around about my picturesque anatomy. He recognized us as well and gave his condolences.

My heart rate was erratic throughout the week and I was physically weak--though not from blood loss since I made sure to drink lots of fluids. I partially lost the will to take care of myself  for that week. I barely ate. I lost feeling in my arm since every time I got my blood taken they hit the same nerve. I bled and passed clots for a week later with still major cramping. 

I had that all too familiar now hormone decrease which women experience when they finally have their little blessing in their arms. It is known that women who birth their babies often get depression from this hormone decrease, but not many people realize it can happen when you miscarry as well. 

 

Then there is that agonizing wait for your period. You just want your period back because then you know your body is healing, but it can take up to 8 weeks and sometimes more in extreme cases. I remember talking to someone who just went off birth control and was complaining about her period and all I could think of was how I prayed every day to get my period again so this nightmare could be over sooner. I just wanted my period so I had the reassurance that I didn't have any complications from the miscarriage, like infection from left over material.

Little did I know that that nightmare will never go away. The wait is excruciating. Throughout the wait for your period you are constantly taking your temperature and hoping you won't get an infection and when you have doctors like mine at the time, they don't watch your hormone levels go to zero or give you an ultrasound to make sure all the "product" is out of your system. I went to the ER once again to make sure everything was cleared out and no complications would arise.

People don't talk about what happens when you miscarry, but everyone who believes the baby was alive with potential knows it's extremely traumatic. 

It helped Daniel and I heal by naming this angel baby. We named him Collin Gunnell. I carry a ring on my right hand with both my angel's birthstones and names. It is the only way I can acknowledge them openly and not just in my heart.