We've all heard there is a little something called the stages of grief. When a tragedy occurs it is necessary and common to undergo these stages. They are also very individualistic and each person doesn't necessarily have to experience all the stages of grief. It is not uncommon to go back and forth and spend various amounts of time between them. My grief overlapped for months with depression and anger before I was able to graduate to acceptance.
Denial, Numbness, and Shock: As I went through both miscarriages I found it best to numb myself. It was just easier to ignore the problem and just push through it. This came in handy at post-miscarriage doctors appointments, but in the end it delayed the healing process. I admit, it was nice focusing on the contractions and taking care of myself while I miscarried and not thinking about all that was now lost in my life. I have learned that during the miscarriage process it is best to be calm and concentrate on allowing your body to dispel the baby--fighting this process through hysterical fits of tears only increased the pain and delayed the inevitable.
Bargaining: I never really went through this stage. I never thought it would do any good. I mean, who would I bargain with? Would I pray to God to grant me a baby and promise in return to follow Him every second of the day? No. I already have made covenants to follow the commandments and to never forsake Him. I found the bargaining step pointless; however, I understand why someone would need to go through it. Bargaining allows you to feel like you are able to do something about the problem. For me, it was never a step of grief, but while I was still pregnant with my second baby I do remember promising that I would raise the baby up in righteousness. I don't quite think I was bargaining. I was mostly telling God how I plan to raise my children.
Depression: Now this step was the one that took the cake and ate it all. All my life I have suffered small forms of depression. When I got married I struggled with how my depression might effect my husband. It was one of our bigger trials as newlyweds, but even so, together we conquered it beautifully. It took time, like everything does, but I learned to recognize depression triggers and to communicate at a much higher level. Really, communication is the key during a depression.
After my second miscarriage I suffered a severe allergic reaction to the penicillin given to fight my urinary tract infection that I had while still pregnant. I couldn't breathe, I had a nasty red rash all over my body, and I swelled up. Daniel thought my big lips were hilarious though! I went to the Instacare and got a nice juicy shot and prescriptions for steroids.Shortly after I began treating my reaction, we had a visitor from a dear friend of mine. She stayed for a week and kept my mind off things as I healed. Together we went to GSA (Geological Society of America) and I presented some research. This was only 2 weeks after the miscarriage. I had absolutely no time to grieve. No time to accept what happened. Life moved on so quickly.
While at GSA a couple friends announced their pregnancies on facebook. I knew it was coming. I had actually planned on announcing my pregnancy around the same time, so it was a dagger to my heart. That same day, I received news of my old violin teacher (who became one of my closest friends.) Her cancer had taken a turn for the worst. I remember crying and suddenly I was thrown into the depression that had alluded me. I flew back to Utah and tried my best not to cry in the airport. All I wanted was to be home with Daniel.
In November, many more people announced their pregnancies, including a family member. My violin friend passed away this month after I had tried so long to get in contact with her one last time. I was so sad I wasn't able to say goodbye, but it comforts me that my mother was able to see her a few weeks before she passed. This dear friend said she would ask God to send me a baby. I think about this often and really hope that I will have a child one day.
In November I also struggled with my health. I got many infections and was constantly put on antibiotics. One antibiotic, Cipro, destroyed my ligaments and to this day my left leg hurts when I walk. I was also told there was something wrong with my uterus. After weeks of worry I got the ultrasound results back--my uterus was perfectly healthy. So much worry for nothing! The antibiotics destroyed my digestive track and made me poorly. It wasn't until mid-December when I started feeling like my normal self again.
Needless to say, I stayed in a deep depression until December. We had to hold off trying for kids in November due to my health and that made November the most depressing month. Some women choose to take a break after they have a miscarriage and others only heal when they are able to try again for a baby. I am by far the latter version. I was beyond excited when I got the green light from my doctors in mid-December. I was finally able to move on and heal.
Anger: I believe this stage also includes jealousy. I was never angry at God, like many people choose to be, but I was angry at my doctors. I was angry at how I was treated by them. I was angry they didn't catch that darn UTI. I was angry it took over a week to diagnose and to choose an antibiotic to give me. I was angry at people who chose to leave me in my time of need. I was angry I couldn't keep a baby. I was angry that I received such little support. I was angry at women who complained about pregnancy when I had to say goodbye to two beautiful souls.
It seemed like every week someone close to me announced they were expecting. I have never been a jealous person. I have been jealous before, but never the kind that suffocated me constantly. It didn't make it easy for me when a relative flaunted their pregnancy in our faces and in the same conversation offered us money only a month after our second loss (though I know they didn't mean it to come off that way). It also didn't make it easy when another family member posted as a facebook joke that she was once again pregnant when she wasn't (she didn't mean any harm either). It is difficult in a deep depression not to take things personally and I hope these family members can forgive me for how I felt.
It took me a long time to realize what the problem was. I realized that I wasn't jealous. Yes, it definitely started off as that awful monster, but when analyzing my feelings it turned out I was extremely happy for all my pregnant friends, even if many chose to never talk to me again. Of all people, those who experience losses know that a baby is the biggest miracle we can experience. In fact, that makes it extra hard for those of us experiencing loss, because we haven't experienced the full miracle for ourselves yet. It was the constant reminder of all Daniel and I have lost that made every baby and gender announcement rolling through our facebook feed that more difficult. It reminded us of the milestones we were never able to reach with those two angels, even if I have been pregnant a total of 22 weeks in the past 8 months.
Acceptance: Acceptance was delayed because so much happened between the miscarriage and now. I remember saying to Daniel "it can't get worse than this!" and then we would have bigger financial troubles, I would develop another UTI, someone would die, or I would find out that another friend was pregnant. I remember telling Daniel that I knew our relative was going to get pregnant during our deepest depression and sure enough it happened.
In December when I was beginning to feel better we both chose to learn to live again. We went out to movies and out to eat. We took walks and went to see the Nutcracker. We hung out with the remainder of our friends and life began looking up. The Holidays were not so sad because of the love we felt from friends who recognized we were prone to sadness during typically happy times. Holidays can be the worse after losing all that you loved and wanted.
I hated the jealousy I was feeling and chose to serve others and as I did I was healed from that dark pit. I never want to be jealous again, but it is very understandable when you have lost babies and/or are experiencing infertility. My heart goes out to all the grieving mothers who are experiencing negative feelings because I understand and it is nothing to be ashamed of. I know many people think I am an awful person for having been jealous and angry, but it is normal and no one will understand unless they go through loss or infertility themselves.
Personal revelation was thrown at me as I prayed, studied the scriptures, and pondered where my life was heading. Back in November I remember having many overwhelming feelings that things were going to start getting better. The first sign that our life was improving was the ultrasound showing my normal uterus. The next was when the pain I had been feeling in my lower abdomen and lower back began to lessen enough for me to enjoy life again. It makes life so much easier knowing I have and never will be forsaken by Heavenly Father and His Son.
We found out we were once again expecting at the beginning of January 2014. I am scared everyday, but the harrowing trials I endured and conquered after our last loss has helped me find peace. This peace allows me to enjoy every second with my new baby. I know I may not carry this baby to full term, but I have chosen to love and enjoy every second and take the challenges when they come. Honestly, pregnancy after two losses is a HUGE challenge of its own. Thankfully, I now have great doctors and I am doing all that I can to ensure this baby has the best chance it can.
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