You don't understand: Part One

I have been told by some pregnant women that I don't understand the trials of pregnancy and in some ways they are right. I have never made it out of the first trimester and don't understand what it is like afterwards, but they each knew I had miscarriages. It hurt being reminded of the milestones I will never reach with each of those babies. It hurts being given a list of all their discomforts, knowing that I have not had a successful pregnancy. I know they are trying to make me feel better...but I don't understand how that is supposed to make me happy that I am not carrying a child I prayed for and loved so deary anymore. Am I supposed to be happy that I was spared from the pain and discomfort? Is the pain and loneliness of losing something you wanted and desired more than anything less than the uncomfortableness of a pregnant woman who is almost guaranteed to have her child placed in her arms, alive and well?

I know pregnancy is uncomfortable and I find many pregnant women often assume I don’t know.

I may not have made it towards the point in pregnancy where my hips are spreading apart and the sciatica pain is unbearable and other annoying things (like being out of breath, getting kicked in the ribs, or feeling like a blimp), but I know pregnancy is no walk in the park. I have a tilted uterus which has always brought on many pains people expect later in pregnancy at the very beginning (until my uterus is able to tip back by 12 weeks). Just one example: I have round ligament pain at 3-4 weeks. I can know I am pregnant before I test because of this. In fact, I have predicted that I was pregnant with each of my pregnancies. Makes me feel like a psychic sometimes!   

Those of us who lose a baby find ourselves traumatically kicked out of the pregnancy club where it is taboo to speak of our pain and hope. You don't realize there is a club until you lose a baby. When you look on facebook and see a pregnant friend inviting her other pregnant friends out to do something you wanted to do while pregnant, it becomes very clear. At church some people won't even bat an eyelash at you the moment they find out you aren't expecting or don't already have a child (yes, I have experienced this many times in different wards, not in my most recent ward though).

Some people can get lucky and have amazing friends to support them during this time and some are even more blessed to be able to have pregnant friends who actively show their love for the one who has lost. Some don't get this kind of support. I had a mixture. Out of about 10 pregnant friends (yes, 10 who announced while I was going through my second loss, all due in May and June), only two stood up and showed that they care about me. It was an amazing feeling knowing that even though they most likely felt awkward and scared about my reaction because of their pregnant state, they still either sent beautiful messages to me periodically or actively visited with me. It was amazing not to be ignored or feel as if I was diseased because I lost a child (yes, you do feel diseased or condemned even if that was not the intention of the person not showing love and support for the grieving mother). 

When pregnant women tell me I don't understand I just half smile. Thinking back to my pregnancies I realize I do have a decent understanding of the discomforts. I have severe, chronic back pain when I am pregnant. I do get sick. I get awful acne. I have major migraines. The tiredness makes the bed call for me even after I slept a wonderful 8 hours of sleep. I did get nightmares. I had the raging emotions. I have gone through the majority of the first trimester twice.

I know I am not the only grieving mother who rolls her eyes at a full-bellied pregnant lady who is complaining about how awful pregnancy is. I know I have never experienced pregnancy past a certain point, but I dream and pray for it daily. I understand some complaining, after all, pregnancy is uncomfortable. But I am talking about the eviction notice posts or just plain out complaining without finding some sort of humor or obvious appreciation in what you have been blessed with.

There is a history of hyperemesis gravidarum in my family. My sister was the last to have it with all four of her pregnancies. I watched as she lost weight and got mean comments from doctors (that she was killing her baby because she couldn't keep any food down). She was beyond miserable, but I admire her for pushing through. 

Some women with hyperemesis terminate their pregnancies because it is so miserable, but my sister and so many women have shown great strength. Some of these women have had a miscarriage in the past and now must be strong physically and mentally for another traumatic experience. There is a huge chance that I may have hyperemesis after all I have gone through and I will gladly take it if at the end I can hold my live, healthy baby in my currently empty arms.