Different Trials of Faith

I have thought often about how trials of our faith come in different forms, but they are each meant to allow you to grow closer to God. Some trials are painful in every way—emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Some are not as painful, but even enjoyable (confusing, I know).

My Painful Trials

 

My miscarriages were the extremely painful type of trial. It was a trial of my faith because I wanted children more than anything in this life. I wanted to raise my children in the Gospel and love them to the extent I knew possible. Daniel and I prayed and felt we needed to start trying and we met with only obstacles. Part of me wondered if I would ever really become an earthly mother like how I felt I would when I prayed to my Heavenly Father. I was heartbroken and torn to pieces with each miscarriage, to the extent that when we tried for a third time I remember protecting my heart from the future (not getting my hopes up). 

Daniel and I prayed for direction so many times during our trial and we truly became closer to our Father in Heaven than we have ever been before. We asked if we needed to be tested for problems with our fertility and we felt an overwhelming uneasiness. When we prayed if we should try just one more time I felt full and peaceful; so much love. I think back to all the ways we were guided in our most difficult trial of faith in our marriage. I remember whenever I would sit and think about all the bad that was happening I would without fail receive a peaceful witness to my heart that we were being taken care of. Whenever I needed a reminder that things would be alright I just had to pray. I remember asking God that if it was His will, that I would not get pregnant again unless it would be a successful pregnancy, no matter if it took us 1 month or 20 years to conceive another child.

The day before I took the pregnancy test revealing that our little Nathan was coming in 9 months I felt destroyed. I remember being on the floor of our bedroom, praying about how I didn’t think I would be a good mother. I remember praying that I felt inadequate and beaten by the trials Daniel and I were facing. I just felt uncertainty and so much fear. I didn’t know then that I was carrying, for the third time that year, a precious soul within me. I went to bed that night thoroughly depressed. I didn’t have plans to test for a pregnancy for another 6 days and for the third time the 'two week wait' to see if I was pregnant was difficult, but this one was the most difficult because I had mixed feelings of whether or not I wanted to risk losing another baby so soon. I had to remind myself many times that I was leaving this up to God; after all, He knows me better than anyone. I also learned you have to fall the farthest in order to be lifted the highest.

That night I had the strangest dreams (a common symptom of pregnancy) and I woke up early to take a test, fully expecting it to be negative especially since it was so early to test (I was also terrified of discovering a chemical pregnancy and I hadn't missed my period yet). Two lines appeared quickly and clearly and I was nothing but happy. From that point on I made sure I remembered all the love Heavenly Father had given me over the past months to reassure myself this baby was different. In our trials we are never alone and He guides us endlessly—we just have to be willing and open to see and feel his subtle hand in our lives.

Being Blessed Trial

The other trial of faith may not seem like a trial to many, but it is to me. This trial is getting what you asked for (in my case a child to make it to earth). This trial is not necessarily more or less difficult than a trial where everything appears to go wrong. They are just difficult in different ways. When Heavenly Father gives you what you have prayed for He is expecting you to be grateful and to still become closer to Him in your joy and gratefulness. In this trial it may be difficult to remember to say prayers, read scriptures, and attend church because you have gotten what you wanted. When people lose everything there are basically two things that can happen: they can come closer to God or move farther from Him. When we are blessed with our righteous desires there are three things that can happen: you can become closer to God, you can move farther from Him, or you can remain unchanging in your testimony of Him (making no spiritual progress at all). This is why receiving blessings is a trial, but perhaps not an obvious one. Our Father just wants us to recognize His hand in every aspect of our lives, whether it be guiding us through pain and sadness or being recognized as the One responsible for our greatest blessings.

It reminds me of the Pride cycle in the Book of Mormon where the people would become rich and prosperous but also so prideful they gave themselves the credit for all they gained in life. But Heavenly Father doesn’t want us to be stubborn and prideful at heart. He wants a humble people who are willing and ready to learn and mold into a righteous people. He wants us to prepare ourselves and to be worthy to live with Him once more. 

I am determined not to let my trial of receiving what I have prayed for leave me prideful and ungrateful. I am determined to show Heavenly Father in my words and actions that I understand why I went through so much deep, aching pain to finally be blessed with my little boy. I am so humbled and grateful for this child in my life. I won’t take one day for granted that I am able to spend with him.

Scan and my deep thoughts after first Hypnobirthing Class

All is well (24w4d)! I even had the technician look for any signs of my hemorrhage and it is officially gone!!! I am pretty happy with that news.  And Baby Nathan is still a boy! His head, both hands, and one foot was curled up right against my cervix and bladder, all of which I already knew with the cervix pain and constant need to use the bathroom especially when our son wakes up. He was laying with both hands on one cheek and his butt and other foot tucked under my ribs, which I also knew. A couple days before the scan Daniel and I were feeling his little body inside me (not just movements, but able to feel body parts) and I guessed where his head and feet were. I was even able to trace out a foot and rub his little head. During the scan he was opening and closing his mouth.

He is measuring perfectly with my estimated due date of September 13th 2014. He also weighs 1.5 pounds!

I was warned that Nathan would come out with a cone head if he didn't find a more comfortable spot later because Nathan's head was tucked very firmly in the corner. This is fine since baby heads are typically warped for a short while for vaginal births anyways. Also, because he was tucked away so tight the technician had a very hard time measuring parts of his brain. She eventually got all she needed, but not without digging into both sides of my hips. I am still a bit sore from the scan and baby kicking me right there reminds me how bruised I am, but I am happy to know Nathan is alright. He has been getting into the habit of waking me up at 4am and keeping me awake until 6 or 7, which then I am so exhausted and ready for a few more hours of sleep. It's my fault though for the lack of sleep, because I could sleep through the kicks and rolls, but I don't want to miss any second I have with him.

Daniel and I also had our first hypnobirthing class. I loved it. It is exactly what I want to do and it all just makes sense. I was reminded of my second miscarriage when the instructor was talking about how animals will stop labor if they feel threatened. With my first miscarriage I learned that if you tense up and fight the contractions you will be in more pain (hypnobirthing is all about teaching you how to relax and let your body do what it was made for). When I relaxed I was able to have a 3 hour mini labor to pass my baby.

With my second miscarriage I planned on doing the exact same thing, but circumstances were different. We had just moved to a new apartment and it was the first cold day of winter/fall and our heat wasn't working. Someone was coming in and out of the apartment to fix the heat while I was actively miscarrying, but this made me feel uncomfortable and completely unable to go to the bathroom to pass the clots when I needed to. That mini labor was 36 hours and because I was cold and uncomfortable I was tense and the contractions were more painful. When the contractions stopped after 36 hours I knew something was wrong. I ended up going to the doctor the next day telling him I knew my miscarriage wasn't over so he checked my cervix and sure enough it was wide open and clogged with all the clots and tissue I wasn't able to pass from not being able to do what I needed to do in my apartment. He ended up having to pick out all the clots from my open cervix and restart my miscarriage. It was very painful. The whole experience was painful. It just proves everything I believe about hypnobirthing.

I don't have the typical fears pregnant women associate with labor. I am not afraid of any physical pain I might feel because I know it can be controlled with relaxation techniques--I proved this in my first miscarriage. I know I can trust my body during labor, but what I do have problems with is associating labor with my miscarriages.  Which isn't wrong since my miscarriages were very much labor. I just need to work on focusing on the differences of my miscarriages and the labor I will have to bring my boy into this world.

I wrongly associate the process of birth with emotional pain and loss because that is what my experiences have taught me. Miscarriages are difficult because in the end you know you are left empty, both inside and out; you have nothing to look forward to except healing from the trauma. I relive my miscarriages when I think about bringing Nathan into this world, but hopefully the biggest and really only difference in my mind is that he will be my physical proof that I am a mother. He will be my miracle--my baby boy to hold and to teach. He will be alive and well--my angel on earth. It will take time to reprogram my mind to realize there is a huge chance Nathan will be alive, that I will not have to experience a stillborn or early infant loss (though I know life is not guaranteed). Once I wrap my mind around the fact that this birth will be a happy one, I will have a beautiful birthing experience. It will take time, but I know it is possible. The first step is recognizing and admitting why I am worried about giving birth and the next step is to change my way of thinking.

It was funny, we had to write down what I thought about birth and all I could think about was losing the baby, just like my miscarriages, but I don't associate physical pain with labor or birth. Daniel associated beautiful things with the birthing process. He wrote down words like love, meeting, and happiness. It just makes me love him so much more and I know I just need to lean on him to refocus my mind away from loss and into the happiness that will come from meeting our little Nathan for the first time.

I'm a Real Boy! 24 Weeks!

Viability has been reached.

I thought I would be happier about today. Maybe it is just the fact I could be holding my angel baby #2 right now if the situation was different. Maybe it's the fact everyone is going to have their babies soon and so me reaching viability when I could have had a baby in February or this month, if the situation was different, is a milestone I wish I had reached ages ago. I hate when people tell me, "wait till (enter milestone) happens" because I feel like I should have reached it already, so it feels like a slap in the face that people who got pregnant after me twice over are experiencing things I should have long ago.

But the situation isn't different and I am not completely sad about it. I think about my angels daily...and I know, other than Daniel, that we are the only ones who think about them often and still miss them. We will always miss them, but I feel prepared in a way I never would have been if we hadn't lost two of our sweet children. I feel more grateful and more love than I ever would have felt for Nathan than if I had never experienced the greatest sorrows of my life.

I also think today is bittersweet because viability does not mean our child would survive, only that doctors are willing to do all they can for our baby (and as I am typing this Nathan is kicking me as if saying "Hey mom, I am alright, stop worrying!") It also means that if I were to go into pre-term labor right this instant and Nathan were to survive he would have a high chance of having health problems for the rest of his life. He could be in pain his whole life. So the question would be, would we want doctors to do all they could to save our child at this point? Would we be selfish to let the doctors try because we want this child more than anything? Daniel and I talked about this and decided we would want the doctors to try because all life deserves a chance, no matter how small and fragile. I would forever regret not trying to save Nathan. I would always be flooded with "what-ifs" if he was never part of our life.

But all that said, this baby is staying put. He is not allowed to come out until full term (and full development). My next goal is to reach 28 weeks (third trimester). My biggest goal right now is to reach 32 weeks. Tiny goals are needed when you walk on egg shells your whole pregnancy.

This morning I was reading about a girl who lost her baby at 23w3d from a sub-chorionic hemorrhage. I was just thinking yesterday about my hemorrhage and wondered if I was out of danger with it...then I read that post and I really hope they will tell me this Tuesday that it is all cleared up and I am safe.

Tuesday (May 27th) is my anatomy scan. I am still mad that I didn't get it when everyone else does around 18-22weeks. I hope they will be able to see everything they need to see and I really hope this baby has been developing correctly.

So happy viability day!

Almost to Viability

I have been getting into the habit lately of waking up at 4am and staying awake as Nathan ninja kicks my side and then rolls around (currently 23w3d). I can distinctly feel my belly move up and down in the rolling motion with him. It's kinda neat...but he only likes to do this type of show at night, during the day he snuggles into my lower abdomen, occasionally moving higher. At night, he prefers the higher portion of my uterus.

I told Daniel that I feel like I cry wolf when I tell him to touch my belly, because Nathan will only kick once or twice more (normally when the dogs are distracting us) and then fall into a deep sleep for the next hour or two. I guess Daniel has "the touch" when it comes to putting Nathan asleep. We hope it stays that way so Daniel can be our baby whisperer.

I have been convinced until a couple days ago that my belly button wouldn't pop out until closer to the end if it did at all. Well, I can say my belly button is on its way to an outie. I was feeling it on Sunday and gave Daniel a look that said "this is so disgusting, feel it!" Daniel thinks it is cool and humorous. I think it is gross to think my belly button is coming out! I can still shave my legs though!

With being able to finally eat more I am gaining weight much more quickly, but now that I have had my time allowing myself to eat whatever sounds good (my reward for toughing out the nasty puke time), I am officially back into eating well. Thank goodness.

I have been getting small migraines daily for the pass 4-5 days. They aren't severe, but I will bring them up to my doctor at my appointment May 28th. I think they were occurring mostly from poor diet, possible dehydration, lack of sleep, and being out in the sun too long on those days. I am just a sun lover by nature. But now I am limiting sun exposure and eating much better (now that I have an actual taste for vegetables instead of wanting to hurl at the thought of them).

I pray every day this sweet child makes it safely into our arms. I have learned over this past year (yes, I got pregnant a year ago with the first one at this time) that everything is not guaranteed and I have to accept that, so here is to having faith that Nathan will be our biggest miracle of our life so far. I am praying the anatomy scan shows no abnormalities. It is scheduled for May 27th. I am not really excited about it, just nervous...I guess my feelings are a response to my losses since everyone else I have talked to raved about how cool the scan is. I know no matter how cool it is I will just be praying Nathan has been developing well.

Getting my Butt Kicked...literally?

So, I have felt this little one for ages now (off and on at 10 weeks, and consistently since 14 weeks).

Nathan typically stays VERY low and his favorite spot is using my bladder as a punching bag, which makes me use the bathroom twice an hour. His kicks are getting really strong and a bit uncomfortable (currently 22w5d).

Recently he has been kicking my lower back...and I swear I can feel the kicks in my butt! haha! I have one strong baby in there and he is only going to get stronger. Bring it on, baby! Mama's ready!

22 Week Update!

Two more weeks until my major goal of viability (24 weeks)! I have this stupid paranoid feeling that I won't make it to viability and also my anatomy scan on May 27th. It doesn't help that my mind does turn to my second angel more often this month as I would have had the baby already or would be eagerly waiting for that baby...but alas...it wasn't meant to be, and I wouldn't have this beautiful Nathaniel bringing smiles to my face daily without my losses.

Speaking of Nathan, he is a kicker. We call him our "Little Monkey" because he is always moving. Daniel enjoys feeling him kick me and also enjoys my occasional "oomph" when I get the surprise random strong jab. But I love it! 

Up till a couple weeks ago I was throwing up all the time, but I think I might finally be seeing the "honeymoon" period people tell me about. I can eat again...and now all I want to do is eat. Time to truly watch what I am eating so the baby can get all the good nutrition he needs. Though all I am craving (yes, finally a craving!) is sugar--cakes, ice cream, yum! I am trying to replace those with fruit, but it isn't the same haha. I had excruciating sciatica, but I can tell the baby moved higher and I can move more freely without wincing. I hope the baby stays off my bladder for a little while longer so I can enjoy being able to better take care of myself while Daniel is away.  So all good news! I almost feel normal! Seeing as I have been pregnant for a total of 9 months now off and on for less than a year, I think it is about time to feel good for a bit. yay!

We want to constantly buy things, but until we get a few pay checks from Daniel's new internship to catch up (I feel like after the miscarriages we are always playing the catch up game with finances) we are trying to keep purchases small. Thanks to my mother and sister, I won't have to worry at all about clothes and most likely bottles. I LOVE getting packages from Michigan full of blankets and baby clothes. It makes me feel that Nathan is loved from afar. I am so grateful that my mom is so active in her grand-kids lives before they even make their official debut. Thanks mom, I love you so much! There were many times I wanted to go home and hug my mom and cry after the miscarriages, sometimes I feel so lost going through things that are so difficult without my mom by my side to tell me things will be okay. I am thrilled to move closer to her and my dad in December. In fact, it is looking like I will spend Thanksgiving till almost Christmas with my family this year so they can spend time with Nathan and then we can drive to Wisconsin from there.

Of course, I cannot forget about Margaret, my mother-in-law. I adore her to pieces. Even though I only see her for a short time every year I am excited to be able to travel more next year to see her. I love spending time with her and she always says something to make me feel better about my situation. She and Vaun have helped Daniel and me so much in our time of need and I can't wait to pay her back for years of financial support by being a better daughter to her. I can see the love she has for everyone through her eyes. I am forever grateful for having that kind and wise woman in my life and I am so grateful she raised my wonderful husband to become the support he has been for me. I love you, mom!

I am just full of gratefulness for the love of everyone around me. I have amazing friends and family!

Remember all Mothers this Sunday

Mother's Day. It's coming up. We see gifts advertised everywhere online and in the store. It's supposed to be a happy day to give thanks for your mother and other mothers as well. I am thankful for my mom. She is wonderful and watches out for me. I feel loved and grateful to be her daughter.

But there are those who feel isolated and left out during this annual event--those who lost their mother early on, those who were abused by their mother, those suffering infertility, and those who had to say goodbye to their children either during pregnancy or shortly after.

So please remember all mothers this year. Remember holidays that emphasize family are important, but can also be hurtful reminders of what people have lost. I am not bitter about Mother's Day at all, I just wish it wasn't so commercialized. I wish it didn't turn into a month long affair of "Come, buy this for your mom even though we just celebrated Easter!" A month long reminder. Then comes Father's Day.

I know a handful of people that I will be thinking about this Mother's Day. It will be those who I know are suffering and wish circumstances were different. If you are reading this and I have been aware of why this day would be hard for you, then you know my mind will turn to you frequently this Sunday.

On a note from my own personal experiences: I truly believe those suffering through infertility (this includes secondary infertility as well) and pregnancy loss are the strongest mothers. This does not mean that those who have never had these problems aren't strong mothers, because they are strong in a different way. They struggle to raise their children and may feel inadequate. They may be working mothers with a desire to see their kids all day because they don't want to miss a second of their precious lives. Those mothers can be ridiculed for having to work and this leads to pain. Or they may have had a traumatizing labor which the world does not understand leading to isolation and guilt. And many mothers suffer through PPD which many in this world don't believe is real, but it is real and life shattering. These mothers are wonderful and strong too.

Those who want more kids and are struggling, or those who just can't get pregnant no matter how many expensive and life altering treatments they undergo, or those who suffer recurrent pregnancy loss are so strong. They have to put a smile on for the world. They have to dream and push forward whether they get results or get pushed down once again. It is truly pain and anguish. Mother's Day is like salt in our wounds because it seems like we live and breathe solely to have a child the world recognizes as a human with rights. I know my life has completely taken a back burner just so I can bring a life into this world, no matter how many tries it takes. And this is why we are strong. We don't give up easily for our righteous desires. We are mothers.

The woman who founded Mother's Day wanted to recognize her mother. Her mother had 7 losses. This knowledge brings peace to me that the mother this day recognized first was an angel mom who struggled to have earthly children.

Happy early Mother's Day to everyone and a special shout out to all those who feel this day of gratitude isolates them. You are loved as well!