All is well (24w4d)! I even had the technician look for any signs of my hemorrhage and it is officially gone!!! I am pretty happy with that news. And Baby Nathan is still a boy! His head, both hands, and one foot was curled up right against my cervix and bladder, all of which I already knew with the cervix pain and constant need to use the bathroom especially when our son wakes up. He was laying with both hands on one cheek and his butt and other foot tucked under my ribs, which I also knew. A couple days before the scan Daniel and I were feeling his little body inside me (not just movements, but able to feel body parts) and I guessed where his head and feet were. I was even able to trace out a foot and rub his little head. During the scan he was opening and closing his mouth.
He is measuring perfectly with my estimated due date of September 13th 2014. He also weighs 1.5 pounds!
I was warned that Nathan would come out with a cone head if he didn't find a more comfortable spot later because Nathan's head was tucked very firmly in the corner. This is fine since baby heads are typically warped for a short while for vaginal births anyways. Also, because he was tucked away so tight the technician had a very hard time measuring parts of his brain. She eventually got all she needed, but not without digging into both sides of my hips. I am still a bit sore from the scan and baby kicking me right there reminds me how bruised I am, but I am happy to know Nathan is alright. He has been getting into the habit of waking me up at 4am and keeping me awake until 6 or 7, which then I am so exhausted and ready for a few more hours of sleep. It's my fault though for the lack of sleep, because I could sleep through the kicks and rolls, but I don't want to miss any second I have with him.
Daniel and I also had our first hypnobirthing class. I loved it. It is exactly what I want to do and it all just makes sense. I was reminded of my second miscarriage when the instructor was talking about how animals will stop labor if they feel threatened. With my first miscarriage I learned that if you tense up and fight the contractions you will be in more pain (hypnobirthing is all about teaching you how to relax and let your body do what it was made for). When I relaxed I was able to have a 3 hour mini labor to pass my baby.
With my second miscarriage I planned on doing the exact same thing, but circumstances were different. We had just moved to a new apartment and it was the first cold day of winter/fall and our heat wasn't working. Someone was coming in and out of the apartment to fix the heat while I was actively miscarrying, but this made me feel uncomfortable and completely unable to go to the bathroom to pass the clots when I needed to. That mini labor was 36 hours and because I was cold and uncomfortable I was tense and the contractions were more painful. When the contractions stopped after 36 hours I knew something was wrong. I ended up going to the doctor the next day telling him I knew my miscarriage wasn't over so he checked my cervix and sure enough it was wide open and clogged with all the clots and tissue I wasn't able to pass from not being able to do what I needed to do in my apartment. He ended up having to pick out all the clots from my open cervix and restart my miscarriage. It was very painful. The whole experience was painful. It just proves everything I believe about hypnobirthing.
I don't have the typical fears pregnant women associate with labor. I am not afraid of any physical pain I might feel because I know it can be controlled with relaxation techniques--I proved this in my first miscarriage. I know I can trust my body during labor, but what I do have problems with is associating labor with my miscarriages. Which isn't wrong since my miscarriages were very much labor. I just need to work on focusing on the differences of my miscarriages and the labor I will have to bring my boy into this world.
I wrongly associate the process of birth with emotional pain and loss because that is what my experiences have taught me. Miscarriages are difficult because in the end you know you are left empty, both inside and out; you have nothing to look forward to except healing from the trauma. I relive my miscarriages when I think about bringing Nathan into this world, but hopefully the biggest and really only difference in my mind is that he will be my physical proof that I am a mother. He will be my miracle--my baby boy to hold and to teach. He will be alive and well--my angel on earth. It will take time to reprogram my mind to realize there is a huge chance Nathan will be alive, that I will not have to experience a stillborn or early infant loss (though I know life is not guaranteed). Once I wrap my mind around the fact that this birth will be a happy one, I will have a beautiful birthing experience. It will take time, but I know it is possible. The first step is recognizing and admitting why I am worried about giving birth and the next step is to change my way of thinking.
It was funny, we had to write down what I thought about birth and all I could think about was losing the baby, just like my miscarriages, but I don't associate physical pain with labor or birth. Daniel associated beautiful things with the birthing process. He wrote down words like love, meeting, and happiness. It just makes me love him so much more and I know I just need to lean on him to refocus my mind away from loss and into the happiness that will come from meeting our little Nathan for the first time.
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