Viability has been reached.
I thought I would be happier about today. Maybe it is just the fact I could be holding my angel baby #2 right now if the situation was different. Maybe it's the fact everyone is going to have their babies soon and so me reaching viability when I could have had a baby in February or this month, if the situation was different, is a milestone I wish I had reached ages ago. I hate when people tell me, "wait till (enter milestone) happens" because I feel like I should have reached it already, so it feels like a slap in the face that people who got pregnant after me twice over are experiencing things I should have long ago.
But the situation isn't different and I am not completely sad about it. I think about my angels daily...and I know, other than Daniel, that we are the only ones who think about them often and still miss them. We will always miss them, but I feel prepared in a way I never would have been if we hadn't lost two of our sweet children. I feel more grateful and more love than I ever would have felt for Nathan than if I had never experienced the greatest sorrows of my life.
I also think today is bittersweet because viability does not mean our child would survive, only that doctors are willing to do all they can for our baby (and as I am typing this Nathan is kicking me as if saying "Hey mom, I am alright, stop worrying!") It also means that if I were to go into pre-term labor right this instant and Nathan were to survive he would have a high chance of having health problems for the rest of his life. He could be in pain his whole life. So the question would be, would we want doctors to do all they could to save our child at this point? Would we be selfish to let the doctors try because we want this child more than anything? Daniel and I talked about this and decided we would want the doctors to try because all life deserves a chance, no matter how small and fragile. I would forever regret not trying to save Nathan. I would always be flooded with "what-ifs" if he was never part of our life.
But all that said, this baby is staying put. He is not allowed to come out until full term (and full development). My next goal is to reach 28 weeks (third trimester). My biggest goal right now is to reach 32 weeks. Tiny goals are needed when you walk on egg shells your whole pregnancy.
This morning I was reading about a girl who lost her baby at 23w3d from a sub-chorionic hemorrhage. I was just thinking yesterday about my hemorrhage and wondered if I was out of danger with it...then I read that post and I really hope they will tell me this Tuesday that it is all cleared up and I am safe.
Tuesday (May 27th) is my anatomy scan. I am still mad that I didn't get it when everyone else does around 18-22weeks. I hope they will be able to see everything they need to see and I really hope this baby has been developing correctly.
So happy viability day!
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