Different Trials of Faith

I have thought often about how trials of our faith come in different forms, but they are each meant to allow you to grow closer to God. Some trials are painful in every way—emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Some are not as painful, but even enjoyable (confusing, I know).

My Painful Trials

 

My miscarriages were the extremely painful type of trial. It was a trial of my faith because I wanted children more than anything in this life. I wanted to raise my children in the Gospel and love them to the extent I knew possible. Daniel and I prayed and felt we needed to start trying and we met with only obstacles. Part of me wondered if I would ever really become an earthly mother like how I felt I would when I prayed to my Heavenly Father. I was heartbroken and torn to pieces with each miscarriage, to the extent that when we tried for a third time I remember protecting my heart from the future (not getting my hopes up). 

Daniel and I prayed for direction so many times during our trial and we truly became closer to our Father in Heaven than we have ever been before. We asked if we needed to be tested for problems with our fertility and we felt an overwhelming uneasiness. When we prayed if we should try just one more time I felt full and peaceful; so much love. I think back to all the ways we were guided in our most difficult trial of faith in our marriage. I remember whenever I would sit and think about all the bad that was happening I would without fail receive a peaceful witness to my heart that we were being taken care of. Whenever I needed a reminder that things would be alright I just had to pray. I remember asking God that if it was His will, that I would not get pregnant again unless it would be a successful pregnancy, no matter if it took us 1 month or 20 years to conceive another child.

The day before I took the pregnancy test revealing that our little Nathan was coming in 9 months I felt destroyed. I remember being on the floor of our bedroom, praying about how I didn’t think I would be a good mother. I remember praying that I felt inadequate and beaten by the trials Daniel and I were facing. I just felt uncertainty and so much fear. I didn’t know then that I was carrying, for the third time that year, a precious soul within me. I went to bed that night thoroughly depressed. I didn’t have plans to test for a pregnancy for another 6 days and for the third time the 'two week wait' to see if I was pregnant was difficult, but this one was the most difficult because I had mixed feelings of whether or not I wanted to risk losing another baby so soon. I had to remind myself many times that I was leaving this up to God; after all, He knows me better than anyone. I also learned you have to fall the farthest in order to be lifted the highest.

That night I had the strangest dreams (a common symptom of pregnancy) and I woke up early to take a test, fully expecting it to be negative especially since it was so early to test (I was also terrified of discovering a chemical pregnancy and I hadn't missed my period yet). Two lines appeared quickly and clearly and I was nothing but happy. From that point on I made sure I remembered all the love Heavenly Father had given me over the past months to reassure myself this baby was different. In our trials we are never alone and He guides us endlessly—we just have to be willing and open to see and feel his subtle hand in our lives.

Being Blessed Trial

The other trial of faith may not seem like a trial to many, but it is to me. This trial is getting what you asked for (in my case a child to make it to earth). This trial is not necessarily more or less difficult than a trial where everything appears to go wrong. They are just difficult in different ways. When Heavenly Father gives you what you have prayed for He is expecting you to be grateful and to still become closer to Him in your joy and gratefulness. In this trial it may be difficult to remember to say prayers, read scriptures, and attend church because you have gotten what you wanted. When people lose everything there are basically two things that can happen: they can come closer to God or move farther from Him. When we are blessed with our righteous desires there are three things that can happen: you can become closer to God, you can move farther from Him, or you can remain unchanging in your testimony of Him (making no spiritual progress at all). This is why receiving blessings is a trial, but perhaps not an obvious one. Our Father just wants us to recognize His hand in every aspect of our lives, whether it be guiding us through pain and sadness or being recognized as the One responsible for our greatest blessings.

It reminds me of the Pride cycle in the Book of Mormon where the people would become rich and prosperous but also so prideful they gave themselves the credit for all they gained in life. But Heavenly Father doesn’t want us to be stubborn and prideful at heart. He wants a humble people who are willing and ready to learn and mold into a righteous people. He wants us to prepare ourselves and to be worthy to live with Him once more. 

I am determined not to let my trial of receiving what I have prayed for leave me prideful and ungrateful. I am determined to show Heavenly Father in my words and actions that I understand why I went through so much deep, aching pain to finally be blessed with my little boy. I am so humbled and grateful for this child in my life. I won’t take one day for granted that I am able to spend with him.