Peter's Birth Story

Peter’s Birth Story

Written on June 9th, 2016

June 5^th 2016 (Sunday)

This was a Sunday and we chose not to go to church so that Nathan would nap at home (instead of the car which is typical for Sundays). We knew we needed rest while he napped as well. We spent the blustery morning at Nannyberry Park (which we can see from our back door). Daniel played ‘stop’ and ‘go’ with Nathan while I sat in the shade of a tree just contemplating how wonderful life has treated us. My senses were filled and I felt very peaceful feeling Peter move within me and the warmth of the sun hitting my face. Daniel and Nathan also picked me tiny, beautiful, yellow snapdragon looking weeds. My favorite color flower is yellow. We then took a short walk, but I could feel this walk was different. I felt much more pressure and I was very uncomfortable and so we headed home (before I peed my pants as well). When we got home Daniel helped Nathan fall asleep (with his hat on because Nathan is obsessed with his hat). And then Daniel and I had sex (yay for TMI) and shortly afterwards I had my bloody show. Daniel then made me one of my favorite, easy meals: cilantro lime chicken with zucchini. I shared a Luigi Ice with Nathan while watching the episodes of Daniel Tiger where baby Margaret comes to their family.

June 6^th 2016 (Monday)

That morning was rough because Daniel went into work knowing he had a HUGE presentation to give. I can’t imagine how stressful that was not knowing if I would be calling him home or even if he would make it to give the presentation but having to prepare for it anyways. Watching Nathan that morning was tough because I was nauseous and beyond exhausted! I knew I was going to go into labor soon because of the way I felt. Luckily Nathan was extra zen that morning and was content watching Tinkerbell. I realized that I had been waiting for Daniel to give his presentation before going into labor. It was important to me that he did this for work so it was almost as if my body wouldn’t go into labor until Daniel was done. Sure enough once my mind was completely stress free I did go into labor.

We got into bed around 9:30pm and I just knew I was going into labor that night. I could sense it. I sensed it so much that I even got an adrenaline rush thinking about it. And yep, at 10pm, right when I was trying to fall asleep to rest up for labor, that was when my contractions started. From the start they were too much to sleep through. Daniel got a few hours of sleep before I woke him up to heat up some leftover cilantro chicken so that I could eat while I still had an appetite. I eventually ate jello, yogurt, the chicken, and a slice of watermelon (that is still sitting in our master bathroom as of the 9^th of June when I wrote this). At one point in the night I realized that the dogs would be a problem if we needed someone to babysit Nathan while he slept (they are barkers). So Kristina graciously came to take the dogs for us around 3am and we chatted outside in the cool night air for a bit before she headed off. That gave me incredible peace of mind that if I needed my doula to come in the night or if we needed to head to the hospital that the dogs wouldn’t bark and wake our toddler.

I spent the entire night laboring in our bedroom. Our upstairs is a little on the hot side even with the air conditioning running so I spent a lot of it sweating or being too cold when I took layers off. Daniel spent a little bit rubbing my back to help me to try to sleep at one point and it was heavenly and alleviated a lot of the pain I was feeling. Eventually Nathan woke up around 4 or 5 am and Daniel went downstairs to care for him while I tried to sleep on my left side while listening to hypnobirthing tracks. When I was on my left my contractions were almost unbearable and lasted 1.5 minutes each, but they were 7 minutes apart so I could doze for a few minutes before having to breathe through contractions. I spent a lot of early labor in leaning forward positions, laboring on the toilet (a lot), on hands and knees, and circling my hips on the yoga ball. I made movement the key to this labor because I could feel Peter was posterior. Just like when I was in labor with Nathan, I had intense back labor from the beginning. In fact, the contractions were felt intensely everywhere, they were difficult to relax through. I had lots of bloody mucus and I loved that! Just because I knew my cervix was dilating and the contractions were doing a great job! I labored a lot on the toilet in order to keep my bladder empty since I also focused a lot on hydrating. My bowels also decided that this was the time to clear everything out in a vengeance (I had five massive bowels movements). My whole night was spent pooping on the toilet (which was making me paranoid by the end of the night if it was really poop or actually a baby haha). Nathan officially woke up around 6am and we knew he would have an early nap that day which is normally an annoying concept, but this day (June 7^th) it worked out.

June 7^th 2016 (Tuesday)

At this point I was 40w3d or 40w6d depending on the due dates I was given. I spent a lot of the night laboring on my own and pretty much the whole morning on my own. I came down to say hello to Nathan as often as I could to try to keep his morning more on the normal side. At one point the sun was shining through our front door window and created rainbow lights on our wall and Nathan saw it and wanted to touch the light. It made me think about how Nathan was my first rainbow baby and I would be welcoming my next very shortly. It was comforting and also bittersweet thinking about how he was going to be a big brother soon. By 9am my contractions were 1 minute long at 3 minutes apart. I was struggling to relax during these contractions on my own and I was beginning to get nauseous and I could feel the rectal pressure building. I called my doula and asked if she would come assist me at this point. I didn’t quite feel the need to get to the hospital when I called her or set up someone to come watch Nathan, but within 10 minutes of setting this up I realized we needed to get to the hospital. The wait to get Nathan set up was agony because I knew Peter was coming. When everyone arrived I gave a quick run-down on what Nathan would need when he woke from his nap (Daniel had put him to sleep, I didn’t know it was my last time seeing my boy as my only child). While I tried to give instructions I had to stop and breathe through contractions which were coming at 2 minutes apart for at least a minute or longer.

The drive to the hospital is only 10 minutes, and the change made it so I only had two contractions in the car, but Wisconsin bumpy roads made me miserable. Have you seen the video of the girl giving birth in the car while her significant other recorded it? Yeah, during my contractions that was all I could think about because the pressure was getting out of hand!

We got to the hospital and the valet took our car and a nice older man asked if I was in labor and needed a wheelchair. I told him I was in labor and didn’t need one, but he insisted on following with a wheelchair just in case. I tried to explain that my contractions were easier handled walking and leaning forward and were more intense sitting. He followed us and I stopped a few times to breathe through more contractions. Daniel was amazing this while time, trying to do counter pressure when he had the chance, but by this point counter pressure was useless for me. However, his touch was all I needed to reassure me I was doing it. Tammy, our doula, was great constantly telling me my movement during contractions was good and my breathing and relaxing was great and to keep up the good work. Everyone seemed to think I was in control, but in my head I was beginning to feel completely out of control. I was worried we would get to triage and be told I was only 3 or 4cm and be sent home like I was with Nathan so many times.

We got to the elevator and went to the 4^th floor at Meriter Hospital and got to the triage room. I used the bathroom and then the nurse (who was amazing just like all the nurses I had) checked me for dilation. I was a stretchy 8! I was immediately admitted and I breathed a sigh of relief. It also gave me the reassurance that I did that much laboring on my own at home and was handling contractions well and I was reaching transition! Peter was very stable and I felt him move often during all of this, but I knew he was still posterior.

I was asked again if I wanted a wheelchair to get to my labor and delivery room. I again said no, because for me movement was key to getting me my baby. When we got to the room the nurse started filling the labor tub and I used the toilet, but while I was on the toilet I had a massive contraction and felt the familiar pressure of feeling of the baby descend. At this time my doctor (Dr. Schurr from Physicians for Women) came in to check on me and heard me breathe/moan a bit through that contraction and when it was over she came in and said something along the lines of possibly not using the tub because I sounded like I wouldn’t be in there long (It was meant to be a tub to labor in, not give birth). I was 100% fine with this because I was actually thinking the same thing through that contraction. During early labor at home I took a couple showers to stay clean and to help me through my back labor (the wonders of hot water directed to my back), so it was a little disappointing knowing that I wouldn’t get that type of relief again for my labor. (With Nathan, my water broke while I was relaxing in the tub and part of me was counting on something similar, but I also knew I hated having to get out of the water to push and being cold, then incredibly hot while pushing).

So I labored a lot on the birth ball after being checked again for dilation (I was at a 9). I made sure to circle my hips during and after contractions as I leaned against pillows at the edge of the bed. I knew Peter was still posterior and I was getting concerned that he wouldn’t turn. These contractions were changing fast. I could feel the pressure getting more and more out of control, but everyone kept saying that I didn’t look like I was a mom laboring with a posterior baby. I took the compliment gladly and gave me the confidence that I was doing really well, even if I was thinking about how maybe an epidural would be nice even though I knew it was too late and I never would want one anyways (that’s why I never vocalized my thoughts while in transition, I knew I didn’t mean them). I also was thinking a lot about how I was worried about losing more control and wanting to turn back. These are all common thoughts in transition for moms who choose to go unmedicated. I never had these thoughts while laboring with my first son, so it was a new experience. I was also getting very nauseous and after sipping water and Gatorade between contractions and having two small “bites” of a honey stick I decided I was done with trying to get nourishment into me (minus the much needed water).

I could tell contractions were still a lot in my back and that the baby was readily moving lower and lower (the nurse did a lot of intermittent monitoring which was nice not to be tethered to the bed , but the hand Doppler was very distracting to me while I labored). Everyone could tell when my contractions began to change even more and I was beginning to feel pushy because my low vocalizations were getting a little louder and would peak. My contractions at this time felt on top of each other. They would build starting in my front, radiating to my back for a few seconds, then hit me hard all over at the peak and then fade, but never truly leave before another came. I tried to use the fading part to move when needed to change positions or to the bed to get checked again at this point for dilation, I was still a 9, but almost there. Schurr kept asking if my contractions were still in the back, and I kept saying yes because it was true, but honestly, they were everywhere. Tammy reminded me to relax and visualize my cervix opening and Peter turning to the optimal position, which helped a lot.

At this point it was asked if I wanted to labor on my left side with my leg hanging off the bed and my hips stacked on top of each other to really encourage Peter to turn. I was a little timid about the idea, only because I knew from experience that my contractions were going to be a new whole level of out of control…and I was right. I was only on my side for a few contractions, but they were undeniably full of pressure and pain, but I did my best to relax and breathe and hold onto my husband’s hand for comfort and Tammy held my hips up. I felt Peter turn! I loved feeling him move at this time, but oh. My. Goodness! It wasn’t comfortable and then pop and gush! My water broke (clear fluid) and within that moment I felt him turn to the best position and I had an instant urge to push. I didn’t wait for anyone; I could not control this urge at all and knew I was listening to my body. The doctor was shocked and hurried to get gloves and a gown on because baby was coming quickly (water broke at 12:05pm). Schurr at this time was calm and surprised but told me that in the position I was currently in (my side) that Peter was going to come way too quickly and I would most likely suffer another tear like I had with my first (a fourth degree). Even though it was agony in the midst of my pushing and contractions, everyone helped me to move to the position she wanted me in to really minimize tearing and Peter coming too quickly. I was on my back, but it felt right, and everyone helped guide my legs and body to be where they needed (because I was in no way wanting to move at this point). I breathed a bit for some contractions, but mostly it was full blown pushing, but it did not feel like how I pushed with my first. With Nathan I felt lost. I didn’t know what my body needed; now I know what people mean when they say your body will know. I knew when to hold back pushes without the doctor telling me (though it was a good reminder since Peter was still coming too quickly). I could feel a warm compress (at least I imagined it was, I need to confirm this info). I pulled on Daniel’s hand during the pushing part in order to gain some leverage. I also constantly reminded myself to use low tones to birth my baby.

While pushing I was told to reach down and feel Peter’s head and I loved that moment. I felt him descend and I could feel the typical burn of a vaginal delivery. It was wonderful and difficult to feel at the same time. I remember praying for Peter to come faster that Nathan did and that prayer was answered. After 15 minutes of pushing, Peter entered the world at 12:20pm. I felt his head exit, and then his body twist and he slid right out. I absolutely love that instant relief when the baby comes out. The pressure disappeared and all was suddenly right in the world. I always am impressed with the way the belly just sinks when the baby leaves the uterus. I noted that with each of my full term births. Peter was born with his hand to his face. We were surprised I didn’t tear even more.

Peter was placed on my chest to begin skin to skin. With Nathan I was tired after a three day labor and five hours of pushing and though I felt the love, I also was too tired to have many emotions immediately, but with Peter, with Peter I felt that instant love. I shed a couple tears of Joy and looked at my boy on my belly. This was all short lived. They whisked him away within minutes because his breathing was ragged. I didn’t get to hold him again for over 24 hours. I didn’t get to see him again for hours after as well. The pediatricians came in and let us know he was going to go to the NICU. He just came too fast and didn’t get a chance to clear his air ways. His lungs were filled with gunk, fluid, and we also learned they were inflamed from a later x-ray. Every time they took oxygen off of him he would struggle to breathe and his levels would rapidly decrease. He was using his entire body to breathe. While being sewed up I could see Peter in the incubator being worked on (Daniel by his side). All I could see were Peter’s balls and penis. Haha! They are a decent size (not that you need to know, but that was what crossed my mind). Peter was eventually weighed and measured at 9lb and 21 inches. I can’t remember his head size, but they said it was big (90 something percentile).

Doctor Schurr told me I got a shallow 2^nd degree tear this time and a skid mark. I was thrilled. Beyond thrilled!!! Compared to my fourth degree, this 2^nd degree has been a Godsend and a breeze. It’s still hard and I still have a recovery, but Daniel was surprised to hear I could walk and sit on my own and willingly (he left with Peter to be with him in the NICU while I was stitched up and taken care of).

I really am sad we missed skin to skin. I always cherished the moment Nathan latched for the first time, especially since we ended up exclusively pumping, I still have the memory of him crawling to my breasts and latching. This time I got to get an inkling of overwhelming love for Peter and he was taken away. I did get to say goodbye and touch his arm before he left for the NICU though. Let me just say, NICU moms are brave. I always knew that, but I want to hug them all. I did not expect to have my full term baby taken away from me to have him poked and prodded.

Without my baby with me, being sewed up and getting my uterus massaged right after the birth was really hard for me. I was shaking from the adrenaline rush and my mind wasn’t as distracted as I wanted it to be (like when you are holding your newborn). While Daniel was gone I did have some large clots and a larger bleed, but the doctor and nurse helped me through that very well (but wow did those massages hurt). Tammy ordered me food to eat (a turkey sandwich, fries, and an oatmeal cookie).  She hand-fed me while I was pumping and also brought food up to Daniel to eat. I was beginning to worry about my breastfeeding relationship at this point. Tammy also got my placenta picked up for me so Caleah could encapsulate it (Caleah brought it over on June 8^th and we had a great visit, Tammy also visited me a day later to check on me. Dr. Cardwell has visited me twice to check on me and hear an update on our baby).

I then was wheeled up to the NICU to see how Peter was doing. I held him 24 hours later for the real first time. I wasn't aloud to breastfeed him then, so it was stressful on him because he wanted to nurse, so I let Daniel hold him for the first time while I watched. I was worried about a breastfeeding relationship, but when I finally was able to nurse him (when his breathing was regulated) he did really well.

One thing I mentioned to Daniel after having Peter was how before I went into labor my thoughts actually turned to the NICU. I had random thoughts about the possibility of having a baby that struggled early on. I pushed those thoughts away quickly, almost laughing at the idea because it felt so stupid thinking about a full term baby that has always been healthy in the NICU. I wonder if those thoughts were Heavenly Fathers gentle nudge to prepare me mentally for the possibility. Another thing I prayed for before labor started was for Peter to get in the perfect position for birth. I knew he was posterior weeks before labor and I tried and tried to turn him. Then I labored the entire time with him being posterior. I prayed during labor for him to turn. And then he did, last minute. It made me realize that patience is needed and prayers are answered in God’s time (though I would have loved to be spared the back labor). I also prayed to feel an instant love for our baby since it took time with Nathan and me. I felt that love, especially during our first nursing session. 

The NICU stay is another story altogether, but this was his birth story, It was hard, but I loved every moment. He is my Peter. He is my boy. Nathan loves him to pieces and I couldn't be happier with how everything turned out. God is full of tender mercies and this birth experience was extremely healing.

Waiting Game

Well, 40weeks+..it's now a waiting game for Peter. I still have prodromal labor, lots of it! But that isn't news to me at all. I have come to terms that I will just be that lady that has annoying prodromal labor all the time. This time around I also have been eating dates so maybe that will help my labor. Time will tell.

At my appointment yesterday I expressed concerns that he was moving much less for the past couple days (babies still move a lot before they come, just movement change. I wasn't even feeling him during the day and only right before bed for a short time). Babies hate monitors so that got him moving really quick! Everyone was more interested in my contractions. I think they were convinced I was going to have the baby that day! haha. I just laughed and told them my contractions have always been regular time intervals no matter how hydrated I am...it's the normal for me. I refuse cervical checks (my doctors don't do them unless I want them anyways), so I don't know if the contractions are doing anything and honestly, it doesn't matter. Women came go from being thick and not dilated to having the baby in the same day or alternatively, be walking around at a 4 and have the baby a month later.

This past week has been us trying (key word trying) to keep up with all the annoying chores you have to do daily and also taking Nathan out as much as possible. We went to the zoo and the children's museum and we spend a lot of our time on walks, at parks, or enjoying our backyard (we have a sprinkler, baby pool, and sandbox he loves). We even got our garden in this year!

I am fairly excited for labor. I am ready for Peter to come. Nathan is still cutting his canines and they are bothering him, but I think the worse of that teething is over (and he is back to being his sweet self most of the time. Can I say how much I love Nathan "fish" kisses?). I am ready to see Nathan as a big brother. I am ready as I will ever be for recovery (my past recovery was hell, absolute hell to be blunt).

I have prayed hard for Nathan to be kept safe and protected while I leave him in the care of others while Daniel and I go through the intimate process of bringing our next child to this world. I have been filled with peace that all will be as it should be and we will be alright. Fear of the unknown is one of my biggest fears, but what I have come to love (and hate at times) about pregnancy and childbirth, is that it really isn't in your hands. Yes, you can prepare for all circumstances and educate yourself, but in the end, I have to leave everything in God's capable hands.

I love the book "the Gift of Giving Life." I often read it during my precious down times, but I can only read a few short chapters before I am on the verge of crying because I feel the peace and love from my Savior so strongly. I can't wait to go into labor again and feel this perfect love profoundly. I can't wait to feel angels holding me up in my deepest time of need just like an angel supported our Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane. How grateful I am for the Gospel and knowledge I do have.

Daniel recently gave me a night alone in a hotel in order for me to sleep (Nathan had been waking up every hour the entire week and I needed to have a night with little disturbances). I ended up staying up later that night reading the scriptures and I must of read the account of Jesus blessing the Nephite children more than I ever have. That chapter filled me with joy that our children are loved and cherished in more ways then we will ever know. It made me feel closer to Peter than any time in the pregnancy and it was that moment I began feeling ready to tackle the challenges of being a mom of two earthly children.

So now we wait!

Notes for myself: comparing pregnancies

Today has been a rough day. I seem to be having more of them lately. I am pretty sure Nathan is cutting more teeth (please can they come before the baby?!) and I'm not feeling well (headaches and prodromal labor) which make toddler tantrums 1,000,000% more impossible to handle. Luckily I have support in Daniel. Seriously, a great spouse is key to survive any trial.

That aside, I am actually extremely happy! If I compare my two full term pregnancies, this one has been amazing! I have kept to just under 30 pound weight gain at 37+ weeks (I gained 50 with Nathan). I even started at a much healthier weight with this pregnancy so I just hit my pre-pregnancy weight for when I got pregnant with Nathan (granted my weight loss was due to an over-supply which led to starvation while dealing with a colicky baby and then methotrexate for my ectopic pregnancy last June...has it been a year already?).

This pregnancy I am not on bedrest and I am much more active chasing our rambunctious toddler around all day. I had spd in my last pregnancy (the worst possible pain in the pelvic region, imagine feeling like you are being ripped apart with each movement). This pregnancy I've had worse hyperemesis and nausea in general. I've also had kidney stones this pregnancy. I had prodromal labor with Nathan starting at about 36 ish weeks (had him at 40w4d). This baby I have had prodromal labor since 28 weeks. BH started at 9 weeks...yes...9 weeks pregnant. Seriously bh have been annoying this time around. I have also struggled with depression during this pregnancy as well as being much more hormonal (I barely cried while pregnant with Nathan). Both pregnancies I've suffered with reflux (the kind where I wake up vomiting in my mouth, yeah you definitely wanted to know about that haha). With Nathan I also had blood pressure that was threatening to become too high and swollen hands and feet. This time around I have normal to low blood pressure and I only get swollen when active out in the heat.

Overall though, I am incredibly happy that I do not have spd this time around! I can actually pick up my 34 pound 19 month old without being uncomfortable. I can get in and out of a car with no pain (let alone getting in and out of a bed). I can walk 5 feet without wanting to cry. I just feel more lively this time around.

I really need to get another picture for an update, but I never remember when I am wearing something nicer than yoga pants and a t-shirt.

I am also grateful for a husband who treats me well. He helps me feel great about the changes pregnancy brings to my body and mind. He tells me he loves my stretch marks (and honestly, I absolutely love them too). I don't know what I did to deserve him. I can't wait to see him become a dad again for the 5th time (if you count angels and earthly children).

I already worry about ppd. I had it after Nathan and I chose not to get treatment, but looking back it was miserable, lonely, and I don't want to experience it again. This time around we are hoping to have a summer filled with family and friends to combat some of the depression if possible. Mostly I worry about how Nathan will reacte to seeing his mom go through something so common but also so misunderstood. And that brings me back to what I said at the beginning of this post, a great spouse is key to survive any trial, and I know I have his support through everything.

I will be Master of my Fears

I reached my next pregnancy goal last week! After 24 weeks for viability I look forward to 32 weeks, well now I'm 33 weeks (my next goal is 35-36 weeks). I officially got my diagnoses for all my problems the past couple weeks: kidney stones. I hear they are more painful in men, so to my man friends, I'm deeply sorry if you have experienced them. They weren't a walk in the park being pregnant either and I hope to never have them again.

Speaking of parks, the weather is becoming gorgeous!!! I am also getting to the point where long walking trips or chasing a toddler around a field for a half hour exhaust me and trigger lovely bh contractions. We can see the park from our back window and Nathan points to it everyday.

I've also lost my appetite again. I never feel 100% with eating during my pregnancies, but I'm back to the point where everything sounds horrific. I look forward to eating again after having Peter.

While pregnant with Nathan I wrote about my fears during that pregnancy. I think I pinned down my major fears for this one. I feel like my day gets away from me and I don't set aside the time I should for sincere, deep prayers to my Heavenly Father. I'm beat by the end of the day that when I do start saying my prayers I fall asleep before I'm even finished. So today, while Nathan was sweetly asleep against my chest I poured my soul out. I'm glad Nathan didn't wake because by the end his little head was soaked with my tears of love for him and comfort for me.

My first fear is the transition for Nathan. I know people do it all the time. I will miss spending one on one time with him. I also worry about leaving him when I go into labor. We have people who are willing to watch him, but most of those people I have never met and I have an extremely difficult time dropping my boy off with strangers for who knows how long and then when I see him next his whole world will change. This is one of the times I wish we lived close to family. Nathan has only ever known Daniel and myself. He doesn't know what grandparents are. He doesn't know what aunts, uncles, and cousins are. And he won't for a long time. We can't just up and visit family all the time. Sometimes we need people to come to us, which I know is really, really hard. Trust me, we know! We are always the ones to go and it is stressful because of the time, money, and effort (and vacation time used for the traveling). I got sidetracked here...my fear is how my little boy will transition and leaving him when I need to go to the hospital.

My second fear is tearing (thus having a rough recovery). With Nathan my recovery was horrendous. I can't imagine going through that recovery with a toddler who won't understand why mom can't do anything at all. I don't care if I tear a little, I just don't think I can handle the complications and recovery that a 4th degree brings. I didn't even get to enjoy Nathan's first months because I couldn't even care for him. It would be the biggest tender mercy to have an easier recovery so that I can transition Nathan, Daniel, Peter, and myself as smoothly as possible.

I am grateful that I don't fear labor. I never have. I actually look forward to the contractions and the exhilaration of meeting my pure little baby boy. I have a great support team (doula and husband). When I gave birth to Nathan I felt that I was surrounded by all my future children. I look forward to that feeling of being close to the ones I have lost and also the ones I have not had the chance to carry yet. I also look forward to feeling closer to the Atonement. I love thinking about the sacrifice of our Savior during labor and delivery.

My third and last fear is nursing and ties. Nathan had a tight lip tie and a posterior tongue tie. He eventually wouldn't take bottle or breast and we got them released. I know many people say they can nurse with ties and everything went peachy for them, but my son wouldn't eat it was that bad. With Peter I want those taken care of immediately if possible. I want to nurse him. I am a firm believer in the benefits of breast milk. Nathan still drinks a little frozen breast milk a day thanks to my oversupply while exclusively pumping. Exclusively pumping was hard with a colicky baby and recovering from my tear. I remember the first months I would pump standing up each time because I couldn't sit and then we would feed Nathan, and finally wash the bottle parts. It was a lot of work. If I pumped for Peter I would be a slave to the pump again and also take precious time I could be having with Nathan to pump and feed the baby. So much double and triple work. I am willing to do it again though. I just hope Peter and I have a better breastfeeding relationship from the beginning.

So those are my fears that I am working to become master over. And I will defeat them. Time will tell how they go and if the worse of my fears occur, I will meet them when they do and grow from them, like I have with all my trials. That's why I love the Gospel. I don't believe that we are given things we can handle. I believe God gives us trials and tribulations that are above us, because only then will we fall on our knees to come closer to Him. I am counting on building that relationship with Him as well as building a firmer relationship with my dear husband to tackle anything that challenges us. I really am stoked to meet mt Peter. He has a budding personality already. He flips breech to head down at least once a day (ouch to me), and constantly has the hiccups. He is strong and I love him more than he will ever know.

Beginning to see the Light

Wow. these past two weeks have been awful. Awful, awful, awful!

I've had some problems with contractions, bleeding, UTI, possible small kidney stones, and just plain old exhaustion. I feel like all of that is finally calming down (and my cold that I had during that time is gone too). While going through that, Daniel had to pull 12 hour days at work for a huge project. Even when he was home he was often at the computer working or checking his e-mails. Then on top of that, Nathan got sick with a diarrhea bug, which turned into a small cold, which turned into a double ear infection. I was put on temporary bed rest to control the contractions and feeling horrible I had to take care of a sick Nathan, which meant I wasn't doing bed rest at all. I needed help so very badly, but I don't feel right asking for child care when my child is sick (which is often when we all need the help the most, right?). Our house became a disaster zone. We had to cancel our Temple trip which depressed me. Our subletter fell through as well, so we are stuck paying mortgage and rent.

Everything peaked this week when Nathan's temperature spiked dangerously and screamed all day long. We took him to the doctor and got antibiotics for him (I hate antibiotics, especially for developing digestive systems like Nathan's). I am grateful for medications though because he is almost normal again. He is napping again and sleeping better at night (better than being up every hour on the hour). I felt extremely blessed that my bleeding calmed down quickly and contractions let up even though I couldn't take care of myself at all because Nathan had my whole attention. The pain I was in became bearable eventually. I felt the love of our Heavenly Father, knowing He was lifting me up and giving my body the help I needed to care for my family, even if I still felt like I was failing miserably.

Daniel's project should be turned in soon. I am feeling a lot better. Nathan just has to finish his course of antibiotics but he is better. Everything seemed to calm down all at once, just in time for General Conference weekend. Now if only the weather could make up its mind so we can get much needed grocery shopping done.

Peter has been great through this all. He never made me truly worry. In fact, I'm terribly sore all over because he kicks really hard all day long. He is constantly moving. 31+ weeks today. 9-11 more weeks till we meet this sweet boy. I am overjoyed feeling this baby. With how much I hate pregnancy, I love it as well and know what a blessing it is. My pregnancies are rough and scary, but I am eternally grateful that I am able to carry these children (even the ones I have lost are special to me).

We have nothing really ready for this baby yet. We don't need to do much, just dig out Nathan's old things really (which is scattered everywhere from the move). It's still going to take a lot of time and energy to collect and wash everything. We need to get diapers. We plan to cloth again eventually for Peter (Nathan is in disposables now). I don't like our washer and dryer and we need a water softener so I want to wait to cloth until we get that out of the way. We still haven't unpacked a couple of our rooms yet and our garage is a disaster. All stuff we want done before sweet Peter comes. Oh, and Daniel and I need more date nights haha (because we know those will be much fewer after the baby comes).

Thank you for all those who have prayed for us during these past weeks we have struggled. I know your prayers were heard. :)

27 weeks with Peter

27 weeks and tired. We chose to move during my second trimester with the hope that I would have more energy to get stuff done, but mostly the packing part was me sitting on the bed, drinking water (because contractions), and watching Daniel pack our belongings. Watching him pack was exhausting. The week of the move I helped a lot more and I did a lot of unpacking help...too much most likely. Then Daniel up and left me to fend for myself and take care of the new house with Nathan in tow and Peter kicking away all day and night (because, you know, job obligations). I'm tired. So...Very...Tired.

But! The move is done. We have a beautiful house and Nathan seems at home. In fact, I think he absolutely loves this place. He loves playing on our hard wood floors (and I cringe every time hoping the sippy cup he threw to the floor for the millionth time doesn't dent the floor), he loves his playroom, and he is eating more since we have settled down. It has been nice being able to get him back into a routine. I am able to remember to brush his teeth, I love cooking again (thus more food options for him), and the dogs have calmed down as well.

And by the time we are completely settled, Peter will come into this world loud and clear to happily disrupt our normal. Now we need to prepare for his arrival.

I have felt blessed during this pregnancy. With Nathan I had many random complications. I was in and out of labor and delivery and worried about making it to term. This baby I've had some problems, but I am able to do more. We are almost to the third trimester and every day he stays cooking is another great day! I have had lots of contractions this pregnancy, but I also have just started to be able to drink enough water to calm them down (leading me to believe they are from stress and dehydration more than anything more out of my control). I have also gone off zofran for almost 2 weeks! Glorious, glorious days of no zofran!!!! I still take unisom and b6 religiously, but one medication down, one more to go!!!

Viability Day and Our Name Choice!

I'm not going to write much. This weekend I've been feeling pretty out of it and hoping it's just a UTI I can get diagnosed at my doctors appointment tomorrow (Monday).

I have more milestones in a pregnancy than a normal one. My first milestone is making sure the baby is in my uterus and not ectopic. The second is to make sure after blood tests and ultrasounds that my baby is growing correctly and has a heartbeat in the first trimester. My next milestone is going off progesterone at 12 weeks pregnant. After that they are a little more normal, like when the baby first really starts to kick and when I start feeling like a human being again (which this last one takes longer than most people and I never am able to get off my meds...bummer).

My real next milestone is viability day. It's the day I finally can sit back and breathe. Many people have this day come and go and not realize it or care. For me, I celebrate. I even stayed up till midnight (not on purpose) and smiled, patted Peter and then was able to go to bed knowing that if something happened I could say I am 24 weeks along and doctors would try to give my child a chance at life. This pregnancy was a bit frustrating because my due date varies by nearly a week, so I could have been writing this earlier last week. I choose to go by my latest due date so that I can go as long as I can at the end of pregnancy without being pressured to induce.

Before viability day if people asked me about the pregnancy I would answer, but in the back of my head I would always add "if the baby is a take home baby." I guess I'm a bit of a downer when it comes to pregnancy. But at this stage I become much more positive and I actually start planning and dreaming. Luckily, Peter is bouncing away to reassure me. He likes to kick my bladder because he is still breech and has been thus far. I'm not terribly worried since he has lots of time to turn, but I don't want him to get comfortable being head up.

Oh, and I'm sure you noticed that we named him. I like to name my babies before they are born so that I can bond with them and I can talk about them like a human being that they are. I also think it makes the pregnancy more real for family and friends who live away from us (which is like, everyone). So this baby's name is Peter Myron Gunnell. Named after the apostle and one of Daniel's grandparents.

Unrelated baby news for those who don't ever see us include picking a doula (yay) and the fact that we will close on our first house at the end of this month (bonus, we have a spare room so please come visit)! News about Nathan: he says a ton of words now. I'm a little embarrassed that he says "don't touch that." He will be 17 months old in a few days and is a great joy in our lives. I am nervous but excited to see him as a big brother.

I guess I did write a lot for not feeling well. :) I guess I'm a talker.