I was doing really well about my first due date (for my angel baby 02/18/14) coming and going...until today. This morning I woke up like every morning--super nauseous, dizzy, still tired, and with a full out migraine. After eating the only thing that sounded like I could keep down (a strawberry pop-tart with sips of propel zero) I fell asleep on the couch, waking up every 15 minutes only to say to Daniel "I really need to put in the progesterone" (then I would be asleep again).
One of the times I was deep in sleep on the couch I heard a newborn baby cry on the TV, but you know how it is when you are in sleep land and you are still groggy--your mind can play games with you. I jerked awake and my first thought was "I need to go take care of my baby." I soon fell asleep again without a second thought (I was exhausted).
When I was finally awake I told Daniel that I didn't need to re-watch the episodes that were playing while I was asleep because I half heard them while napping and told him the major points of the show (The Wonder Years). When I mentioned the baby I told him that I thought it was our baby who needed me, but I didn't think much of it until Daniel said something along the lines of "kinda hurts." That's when it hit me...I would be waking up right around this time to take care of my freshly born son or daughter if we hadn't lost the child in pregnancy.
I didn't really cry on the due date...it was more of a normal day (and Daniel has been way freaking busy so we didn't talk about it much). It was only when I felt strongly while in my dreamlike state that I needed to care for my little one that it brutally dawned on me how I long for the milestones I would have reached with my babies.
Even so...I only cried for a minute or two when Daniel mentioned how we would be with our baby right now if circumstances were different. I feel blessed to have a new chance, a new life developing in our lives and I am certain our new little fetus (10w5d) is the only thing keeping me as upbeat as I am these days (because I choose not to let too much stress and worry taint this baby). Hopefully in September I will be able to hear my own baby crying for me and not some TV newborn messing with my head.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Greener Grass Isn't Always Better
I have recently struggled with feeling a lot of guilt. I feel guilty for getting as far as I have (and it's not even that far yet, 10w3d) in pregnancy when others are losing their babies. I feel guilty for getting pregnant easily when others have to go through fertility treatments to have a baby. I just feel guilty and I hate it. I feel depressed when I lose a baby and guilty when it finally seems I have a chance to get what I have struggled for. And every pregnancy isn't even guaranteed to have a happy ending--I could still lose this baby at any point!
Why can't I just be happy? Why do people who suffer through these trials have to feel guilty for being pregnant again? I am not the only one who has felt this way and it makes me sad when people who are currently struggling say mean and hurtful things to the people who are finally being blessed for something they cried and prayed for every single night.
Today is the designated due date of my first lost baby. I feel like the nursery should be done for either a girl or boy. I should have a hospital bag packed. I may have already been holding my sweet child and beginning my new life as a mother, no...instead I am sitting at home with every single baby oriented thing we purchased for the past two babies in boxes so that I am not tortured by the sight of them.
I see so many women on my miscarriage facebook groups posting pictures of their rainbow babies born this month and I get sad because I feel like that should be me, so I am guilty of longingly looking at those who have struggled for what they have, but I recognize their struggles. I congratulate these women because they had their dark time and now they are currently being blessed. All of us experiencing infertility and/or pregnancy loss will get our day to be the happy new mother whether it is through adoption or biological means. Though at times I do feel guilty that I am having a currently healthy pregnancy after only losing two babies when others have lost more. I feel guilty that I haven't had to suffer through years of infertility to have this healthy pregnancy.
This month would be difficult for me, but I am mostly grateful no one close to me was due as well. May and June will be a different matter. My second baby was due in May. All my married friends are due either in May or June. Mothers Day is even in May (yeah that is going to suck majorly). That's when I will have the tough time because these women have not had to struggle the way I or others have and there is a part of me that feels like it is not fair (though we all know life isn't fair). People who haven't struggled for kids might read this and think I am a bitter person, but that's really not it. No one will understand unless they too have run into wall after wall to increase their family numbers.
Of my married friends I was the first to get pregnant and I will be the last to finally have my baby. I have been told by some of them after my first and second loss that I don't understand pregnancy and in my head I just want to scream at them for saying something so incredibly cruel because I should have experienced everything before each of them. I remember after I lost the second baby and I was at church watching one of these girls walking around with the belly I should have had and a thought popped into my head. The thought was "the first shall be last." I may have been the first to get pregnant. I may have been pregnant three times to their first, but I will be the last to hold my child and this isn't a bad thing. After my struggles I will love my baby more from the start because I have yearned for it and fought for this blessing. I have reached the depths of despair and when I have my baby I will be at the complete other end of the spectrum. I was extremely happy when I got pregnant with the first baby that was due today, but the moment I lost it I came to a realization of how much I wanted that baby. After losing the second that realization grew even stronger and now I am to the point where I will not stop trying for kids, no matter how much money or time I have to give up because I know I lost the most special thing in the world twice.
I really like this quote (and forgive the language, but I think it is necessary because infertility and pregnancy loss is a gritty topic):
I personally don't believe in greener grass, however that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. The grass of infertility is full of weeds and snakes and varying shades of brown. If by chance you do discover a greener pasture, please remember that it takes a lot of shit to fertilize a field--Author of Conceive This
I like that quote because it is so true. I may think my life would have been better being that lucky lady who gets pregnant right away and gets to keep her baby, but then I wouldn't know the true extent of how much I want to be a mother. The grass may seem greener, but that isn't always the case for each person. We are individuals and as such our experiences must be different for us to grow and learn lessons others don't have to learn. Through these trials we learn empathy and love. I feel for every woman going through trials to have kids, and though my trials are not the same as another struggling for children, we all have learned how much we want a child and we sacrifice our daily lives to reach this goal. So I won't feel guilty for being pregnant anymore because I have suffered and I do feel in my heart that I will suffer more to have the four children I want. My story isn't over quite yet.
Why can't I just be happy? Why do people who suffer through these trials have to feel guilty for being pregnant again? I am not the only one who has felt this way and it makes me sad when people who are currently struggling say mean and hurtful things to the people who are finally being blessed for something they cried and prayed for every single night.
Today is the designated due date of my first lost baby. I feel like the nursery should be done for either a girl or boy. I should have a hospital bag packed. I may have already been holding my sweet child and beginning my new life as a mother, no...instead I am sitting at home with every single baby oriented thing we purchased for the past two babies in boxes so that I am not tortured by the sight of them.
I see so many women on my miscarriage facebook groups posting pictures of their rainbow babies born this month and I get sad because I feel like that should be me, so I am guilty of longingly looking at those who have struggled for what they have, but I recognize their struggles. I congratulate these women because they had their dark time and now they are currently being blessed. All of us experiencing infertility and/or pregnancy loss will get our day to be the happy new mother whether it is through adoption or biological means. Though at times I do feel guilty that I am having a currently healthy pregnancy after only losing two babies when others have lost more. I feel guilty that I haven't had to suffer through years of infertility to have this healthy pregnancy.
This month would be difficult for me, but I am mostly grateful no one close to me was due as well. May and June will be a different matter. My second baby was due in May. All my married friends are due either in May or June. Mothers Day is even in May (yeah that is going to suck majorly). That's when I will have the tough time because these women have not had to struggle the way I or others have and there is a part of me that feels like it is not fair (though we all know life isn't fair). People who haven't struggled for kids might read this and think I am a bitter person, but that's really not it. No one will understand unless they too have run into wall after wall to increase their family numbers.
Of my married friends I was the first to get pregnant and I will be the last to finally have my baby. I have been told by some of them after my first and second loss that I don't understand pregnancy and in my head I just want to scream at them for saying something so incredibly cruel because I should have experienced everything before each of them. I remember after I lost the second baby and I was at church watching one of these girls walking around with the belly I should have had and a thought popped into my head. The thought was "the first shall be last." I may have been the first to get pregnant. I may have been pregnant three times to their first, but I will be the last to hold my child and this isn't a bad thing. After my struggles I will love my baby more from the start because I have yearned for it and fought for this blessing. I have reached the depths of despair and when I have my baby I will be at the complete other end of the spectrum. I was extremely happy when I got pregnant with the first baby that was due today, but the moment I lost it I came to a realization of how much I wanted that baby. After losing the second that realization grew even stronger and now I am to the point where I will not stop trying for kids, no matter how much money or time I have to give up because I know I lost the most special thing in the world twice.
I really like this quote (and forgive the language, but I think it is necessary because infertility and pregnancy loss is a gritty topic):
I personally don't believe in greener grass, however that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. The grass of infertility is full of weeds and snakes and varying shades of brown. If by chance you do discover a greener pasture, please remember that it takes a lot of shit to fertilize a field--Author of Conceive This
I like that quote because it is so true. I may think my life would have been better being that lucky lady who gets pregnant right away and gets to keep her baby, but then I wouldn't know the true extent of how much I want to be a mother. The grass may seem greener, but that isn't always the case for each person. We are individuals and as such our experiences must be different for us to grow and learn lessons others don't have to learn. Through these trials we learn empathy and love. I feel for every woman going through trials to have kids, and though my trials are not the same as another struggling for children, we all have learned how much we want a child and we sacrifice our daily lives to reach this goal. So I won't feel guilty for being pregnant anymore because I have suffered and I do feel in my heart that I will suffer more to have the four children I want. My story isn't over quite yet.
Monday, February 17, 2014
All is Well
I am feeling really sick so this will be a quick update. My appointment went well. I am finally getting nausea medication (thank goodness). I haven't been able to hold much of anything down today. At the appointment the doc tried for 5-7 minutes looking for the heartbeat with the Doppler. I kept telling myself not to worry since I have a severely tilted uterus and that can make it difficult to find the baby, but after losing two babies it was hard not to fear the worse. He rolled in an ultrasound machine and found the baby right away and the baby was doing really well! The heart was flicking away and our little blob looked like an actual baby (he/she was even moving a little). Now I am just going to concentrate on not throwing up. Wish me luck.
Friday, February 14, 2014
10 Week Update
To be mostly taken humorously:
People keep telling me things from here on out are going to start getting better. They say I will not be as nauseous and have a burst of energy. I literally just snort thinking about that. How often does that really happen anyways? So far, my morning sickness is only steadily getting worse. It use to just be in the morning and evenings...now I am lucky if I have a half hour of feeling good after throwing up in the first place. And food?! Don't get me started on food. It's the bane of my existence right now. Nothing sounds good. Nothing. And water?!?! Blegh! Cold Gatorade and Propels have become one of the only liquids I can get down without gagging on every tiny sip. I haven't made it to my 9am church meeting in quite a while and Daniel and I just got new callings (nursery music leaders). We have decided I will plan the lessons during the week and Daniel will be the one to make it out to church and magnify our calling. It's the only way right now unless they want me to traumatize sweet, little toddlers.
Poor Daniel is worried about the financial side of things: finding an internship that will lead to a job and doing well in school (all extremely important things). What am I worried about? I worry about what I am going to eat next and what it will look and smell like coming back up. Caramel popcorn...never again. Nastiest thing I have ever experienced. The taste of it coming up just made me hurl that much more. The popcorn had the BYU logo on it, just adding to my reasons why I dislike BYU (maybe that is a bit too harsh). And throwing up in the toilet? Yeah, I finally tried that instead of in a waste basket and nope...that's another thing of the past. I wasn't a fan of the uncontrollable splash back of regurgitated food and toilet water, or the smell of the toilet to begin with (and yes, the toilet was clean before all Hell broke loose).
I keep trying every little bit of advice you are constantly told when you have morning sickness: eat crackers, small meals, tiny sips, ginger ale, lemon...you name it, I have tried it (except acupuncture...not happening). Don't try giving me advice. I have done my research. I am determined to get that Zofran I was promised 3 weeks ago and maybe I will finally cave in and try the preggie pops and sea bands. Eating what sounds tolerable is the only way I have learned to stave off the eventual apocalypse, and even then it can take me up to two hours to decide what "kinda, but not really" sounds good at the moment (and by then I already have a bucket in my face). Sometimes I hit the lottery and feel pretty good about what I ate, and sometimes I am not so lucky.
My brother-in-law came to Provo for a career fair and when he comes out he is always nice and takes Daniel and me out to dinner. The only thing that sounded good to me was chicken tenders from Applebees...a new staple of mine. I get it at least once a week now. I'm just glad I wasn't looking green the whole time. If we had went out the next day like it was originally planned, things would not have turned out so nice. I told Daniel he was lucky to miss that display of volcanic proportions (the caramel popcorn experience).
Also, not a fan of nearly passing out in the shower the other day. I knew I was getting dizzier and dizzier, but I didn't expect to hurriedly turn off the shower, still soapy and wet, to plop on the ground to get my head (and heart which was racing) back in working order. And hemorrhoids. I have never had one in my life! I heard you are more susceptible to them in pregnancy, but I thought if I were to undergo that trauma it would be farther along...much farther. But at 10 weeks?! 10 weeks!!! My poor bottom. Going to the bathroom will never be the same again.
Let's now talk about migraines and restless leg syndrome. I had just gotten done telling myself that I was sleeping surprisingly well (pretty much like how you sleep after a long day in the field). I jinxed myself, hardcore. Until just yesterday my migraine was constant and throbbing. I am so grateful it is gone (and I pray it never comes back). I also toss and turn all night to find a comfortable position (every 15 minutes) just for my selfish legs to feel at ease.
So...a couple pregnant friends commented to me after my losses that pregnancy nightmares are horrible. Yes...I did just rant about pregnancy in this post, but it was mostly out of humor and to distract me from my nauseousness, but I will never truly complain. Typically if you talk to me in person and I bring up anything that sounds like complaining I am saying it with a smile on my face and even laughing a bit at how funny pregnancy really can be. I would say losing longed for babies is a far worse fate than pregnancy. And the nightmares are excruciating when you have had losses and for me, no living children. Most pregnant women get to occasionally have nice dreams of holding their baby. Me? I dream every night that I am losing the baby. Every. Single. Night. Just a couple nights ago I dreamed I was 16 weeks pregnant and my husband carved the baby out of my abdomen (this is a very brief and not graphic version of the dream). The baby was a girl. Let's just say when I am 16 weeks I will hide all the knives from Daniel. :)
My cramping has lessened to a more normal and bearable amount though. It has been like that for a week now and I like it! I know it will come back eventually, but for now, I will just enjoy being able to get up and move without feeling like I am being torn apart.
I am so grateful for this baby. Every night I pray that if it is God's will we will have a baby to raise in September. Every morning before I get out of bed I just dedicate my prayers to thanking God for all my blessings, especially for a pregnancy that seems to be developing well. The morning sickness is only a huge comfort to me and I am grateful that it hasn't turned into hyperemesis (which runs in my family). I am grateful for a husband who is willing to run out to the store at any point, no matter how busy he is, just so I can eat the one thing that sounds like it just might stay down long enough to give nutrition to my body and my precious little blob growing inside of me. He is so loving and understanding. I know it has been hard for him to watch me suffer for 9 months with two miscarriages, health problems, and now being wiped from a wonderful new chance in bringing life into this world.
This baby is a miracle baby to me (all babies are, but this one especially). After losing two babies I can not see this baby in any other way. I do recognize the possibility that this one might not be my rainbow. I recognize I am not in control and this little life could leave me at any point--having two miscarriages really does make pregnancy into a new kind of challenge. I am at peace with whatever happens, even though another loss will surely send us feeling deep despair and uncertainty.
I gain comfort from the prayers and fasts from so many friends, family, and strangers. It completely warms my heart to hear how my nieces in Boston are praying and fasting for me. I am so grateful for faith and the knowledge of the atonement. I am never alone and everyone has proven it to me by their prayers and kind words. Thank you! I have my next doctors appointment this coming Monday, the 17th, and I will most likely update again then (hoping for good news).
People keep telling me things from here on out are going to start getting better. They say I will not be as nauseous and have a burst of energy. I literally just snort thinking about that. How often does that really happen anyways? So far, my morning sickness is only steadily getting worse. It use to just be in the morning and evenings...now I am lucky if I have a half hour of feeling good after throwing up in the first place. And food?! Don't get me started on food. It's the bane of my existence right now. Nothing sounds good. Nothing. And water?!?! Blegh! Cold Gatorade and Propels have become one of the only liquids I can get down without gagging on every tiny sip. I haven't made it to my 9am church meeting in quite a while and Daniel and I just got new callings (nursery music leaders). We have decided I will plan the lessons during the week and Daniel will be the one to make it out to church and magnify our calling. It's the only way right now unless they want me to traumatize sweet, little toddlers.
Poor Daniel is worried about the financial side of things: finding an internship that will lead to a job and doing well in school (all extremely important things). What am I worried about? I worry about what I am going to eat next and what it will look and smell like coming back up. Caramel popcorn...never again. Nastiest thing I have ever experienced. The taste of it coming up just made me hurl that much more. The popcorn had the BYU logo on it, just adding to my reasons why I dislike BYU (maybe that is a bit too harsh). And throwing up in the toilet? Yeah, I finally tried that instead of in a waste basket and nope...that's another thing of the past. I wasn't a fan of the uncontrollable splash back of regurgitated food and toilet water, or the smell of the toilet to begin with (and yes, the toilet was clean before all Hell broke loose).
I keep trying every little bit of advice you are constantly told when you have morning sickness: eat crackers, small meals, tiny sips, ginger ale, lemon...you name it, I have tried it (except acupuncture...not happening). Don't try giving me advice. I have done my research. I am determined to get that Zofran I was promised 3 weeks ago and maybe I will finally cave in and try the preggie pops and sea bands. Eating what sounds tolerable is the only way I have learned to stave off the eventual apocalypse, and even then it can take me up to two hours to decide what "kinda, but not really" sounds good at the moment (and by then I already have a bucket in my face). Sometimes I hit the lottery and feel pretty good about what I ate, and sometimes I am not so lucky.
My brother-in-law came to Provo for a career fair and when he comes out he is always nice and takes Daniel and me out to dinner. The only thing that sounded good to me was chicken tenders from Applebees...a new staple of mine. I get it at least once a week now. I'm just glad I wasn't looking green the whole time. If we had went out the next day like it was originally planned, things would not have turned out so nice. I told Daniel he was lucky to miss that display of volcanic proportions (the caramel popcorn experience).
Also, not a fan of nearly passing out in the shower the other day. I knew I was getting dizzier and dizzier, but I didn't expect to hurriedly turn off the shower, still soapy and wet, to plop on the ground to get my head (and heart which was racing) back in working order. And hemorrhoids. I have never had one in my life! I heard you are more susceptible to them in pregnancy, but I thought if I were to undergo that trauma it would be farther along...much farther. But at 10 weeks?! 10 weeks!!! My poor bottom. Going to the bathroom will never be the same again.
Let's now talk about migraines and restless leg syndrome. I had just gotten done telling myself that I was sleeping surprisingly well (pretty much like how you sleep after a long day in the field). I jinxed myself, hardcore. Until just yesterday my migraine was constant and throbbing. I am so grateful it is gone (and I pray it never comes back). I also toss and turn all night to find a comfortable position (every 15 minutes) just for my selfish legs to feel at ease.
So...a couple pregnant friends commented to me after my losses that pregnancy nightmares are horrible. Yes...I did just rant about pregnancy in this post, but it was mostly out of humor and to distract me from my nauseousness, but I will never truly complain. Typically if you talk to me in person and I bring up anything that sounds like complaining I am saying it with a smile on my face and even laughing a bit at how funny pregnancy really can be. I would say losing longed for babies is a far worse fate than pregnancy. And the nightmares are excruciating when you have had losses and for me, no living children. Most pregnant women get to occasionally have nice dreams of holding their baby. Me? I dream every night that I am losing the baby. Every. Single. Night. Just a couple nights ago I dreamed I was 16 weeks pregnant and my husband carved the baby out of my abdomen (this is a very brief and not graphic version of the dream). The baby was a girl. Let's just say when I am 16 weeks I will hide all the knives from Daniel. :)
My cramping has lessened to a more normal and bearable amount though. It has been like that for a week now and I like it! I know it will come back eventually, but for now, I will just enjoy being able to get up and move without feeling like I am being torn apart.
I am so grateful for this baby. Every night I pray that if it is God's will we will have a baby to raise in September. Every morning before I get out of bed I just dedicate my prayers to thanking God for all my blessings, especially for a pregnancy that seems to be developing well. The morning sickness is only a huge comfort to me and I am grateful that it hasn't turned into hyperemesis (which runs in my family). I am grateful for a husband who is willing to run out to the store at any point, no matter how busy he is, just so I can eat the one thing that sounds like it just might stay down long enough to give nutrition to my body and my precious little blob growing inside of me. He is so loving and understanding. I know it has been hard for him to watch me suffer for 9 months with two miscarriages, health problems, and now being wiped from a wonderful new chance in bringing life into this world.
This baby is a miracle baby to me (all babies are, but this one especially). After losing two babies I can not see this baby in any other way. I do recognize the possibility that this one might not be my rainbow. I recognize I am not in control and this little life could leave me at any point--having two miscarriages really does make pregnancy into a new kind of challenge. I am at peace with whatever happens, even though another loss will surely send us feeling deep despair and uncertainty.
I gain comfort from the prayers and fasts from so many friends, family, and strangers. It completely warms my heart to hear how my nieces in Boston are praying and fasting for me. I am so grateful for faith and the knowledge of the atonement. I am never alone and everyone has proven it to me by their prayers and kind words. Thank you! I have my next doctors appointment this coming Monday, the 17th, and I will most likely update again then (hoping for good news).
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Intimacy after pregnancy loss
I'm, of course, not going to go into gritty details about intimacy after miscarriage, but I wanted to briefly mention about how trying for kids after pregnancy loss is not exactly the fun people think it should be.
I've had a lot of people say to me "at least you can have the fun of trying again." These people don't know what they are talking about. Trying to get pregnant again after two losses was a trial because of roller coaster emotions: "I want to get pregnant again because I want a family" and "I am terrified of getting pregnant because of the chance of losing yet another baby." Depression can easily take a hold of a couple with these struggles and make intimacy more difficult. By the third time we were trying to conceive again I was just sick and tired of being back at square one.
People who have fertility problems or have the "get pregnant and lose the baby" syndrome inherit the challenge of trying to keep intimacy alive. Yeah...it's not that easy when you either get a negative pregnancy test every month and/or you get pregnant and lose the baby somewhere along the line.
I've had even more people tell me "at least you can get pregnant." Well, yes, I am extremely grateful that so far it seems as if I am Fertile Myrtle, but my end goal has never been pregnancy, it has been to have a baby. Also, getting pregnant easily might not always happen for me. Each time we tried for kids we never expected to get pregnant right away.
So, if you have a friend or family member struggling with infertility and/or pregnancy loss, don't say the things mentioned above because it hurts. Plus, it is none of your business when someone is trying to start a family. I know that I use to be guilty of this when struggling for conversation starters, but I have now learned better.
I personally hate when people question if we have kids or are trying for kids. It is such a personal decision and journey for the couple. Unless they open up to you willingly, don't ask. I have always wanted to tell them "hopefully we will have our baby 9 months from this morning!" Being pregnant again does not change my view on this; I will still tell strangers who ask stupid questions that it is none of their business (politely, of course).
I've had a lot of people say to me "at least you can have the fun of trying again." These people don't know what they are talking about. Trying to get pregnant again after two losses was a trial because of roller coaster emotions: "I want to get pregnant again because I want a family" and "I am terrified of getting pregnant because of the chance of losing yet another baby." Depression can easily take a hold of a couple with these struggles and make intimacy more difficult. By the third time we were trying to conceive again I was just sick and tired of being back at square one.
People who have fertility problems or have the "get pregnant and lose the baby" syndrome inherit the challenge of trying to keep intimacy alive. Yeah...it's not that easy when you either get a negative pregnancy test every month and/or you get pregnant and lose the baby somewhere along the line.
I've had even more people tell me "at least you can get pregnant." Well, yes, I am extremely grateful that so far it seems as if I am Fertile Myrtle, but my end goal has never been pregnancy, it has been to have a baby. Also, getting pregnant easily might not always happen for me. Each time we tried for kids we never expected to get pregnant right away.
So, if you have a friend or family member struggling with infertility and/or pregnancy loss, don't say the things mentioned above because it hurts. Plus, it is none of your business when someone is trying to start a family. I know that I use to be guilty of this when struggling for conversation starters, but I have now learned better.
I personally hate when people question if we have kids or are trying for kids. It is such a personal decision and journey for the couple. Unless they open up to you willingly, don't ask. I have always wanted to tell them "hopefully we will have our baby 9 months from this morning!" Being pregnant again does not change my view on this; I will still tell strangers who ask stupid questions that it is none of their business (politely, of course).
Thursday, February 6, 2014
It Doesn't Surprise Me
It doesn't surprise me that many couples, married or not, break up after pregnancy or child loss no matter if they already have children. It doesn't surprise me...but it makes me so incredibly sad.
I am a member of a handful of facebook groups dedicated to miscarriage, trying to conceive after miscarriage, and pregnancy after a loss and it doesn't surprise me how many women are left devastated not only by their lost child or children, but also left devastated by a failed relationship. These women feel like they have failed their partner, family, friends, themselves, and their other children. It is heartbreaking. Many of these women are currently pregnant after a loss or multiple losses. These women are very strong and go through a lot to keep sane. I feel for each of these women, especially because I can't imagine being pregnant after a loss as well as losing my husband.
I read one story about a woman who is pregnant, due this coming August (in fact, on my birthday). She has at least one other child and recently she and her partner broke up. From her posts I can tell she is in the depths of despair as she now has to consider putting the child she is carrying up for adoption. I can't imagine going through loss after loss only to have to put my desperately wanted child up for adoption because my husband suddenly left with no word.
I have talked to many, many people who negate and limit the hurt pregnancy loss creates. I know they will never understand unless they have gone through how painful losing a child really is. Unfortunately, a lot of the people who diminish pregnancy loss are actually those who have or are currently pregnant and this actually shocks me! They of all people should be closer to understanding the hurt and pain. I just want to go up to them and tell them that everything is not set in stone and things can happen when you least expect it, but I don't want to be the jerk who is freaking out newly pregnant women.
Men and women grieve differently and a lot of times there is a loss in communication. Men who lose a child get pushed aside and try to appear strong for their partner. Women grieve more openly and want to talk. I remember after my first loss I didn't grieve right away because I numbed myself so I could get through the physical part of miscarriage. Life took over shortly after that and I still couldn't grieve until something would trigger the sadness of what occurred. Daniel on the other hand grieved as I miscarried and stood by my side at all times, being strong for me. Daniel was feeling better by the time I finally started grieving and I felt like I was alone. I was never alone because Daniel was always there for me. When I asked Daniel why he wasn't sad he said that he was, but he was trying to be strong for me. Once we communicated and discovered the way we both grieve differently things got better. Our second miscarriage allowed us to put this new knowledge to practice and we spent many months comforting each other.
It really doesn't surprise me why couples split up after going through a loss. I wonder if many couples lack communication to begin with. Luckily Daniel and I have always put communication first, but I could totally have seen our relationship taking an extreme hit if we hadn't already built a strong foundation.
So when people diminish pregnancy loss I get mad. I'm being totally serious. It frustrates me and it really does happen more than it should. If miscarriage wasn't a big deal, then why are so many couples falling apart?
Monday, February 3, 2014
Uncharted Territory
As of two days ago I have officially passed the points of my last two miscarriages (7 and 8 weeks) and from here on out I am facing the new, exciting, and scary with hope in my heart.
Last week was our first positive ultrasound we have ever experienced. After leaving the office I turned to Daniel and said "So, this is what it feels like to have good news."
It is still sad to me that I will never reach certain milestones with my angel babies. In fact...this month has already been difficult as it is the month I should be holding my first beautiful baby in my arms. I should be celebrating with Daniel and family. I should be preparing last minute baby things. In fact, my 10 week appointment is a day before my actual due date for that baby. If we get bad news at that appointment (Feb. 17th) it will be very difficult for us.
I still find myself saying things like "If I am still pregnant in the summer..." and "If everything works out we can have the baby blessed at this time..." We are still being extremely cautious about this baby. I want to be excited, but with our track record it is not feasible to be totally optimistic. I love this little blob so very much.
Our next appointment isn't for another 2 weeks. Whew...seems so long from now, especially when I have had losses. I really wish I had family I feel comfortable with living near us so I could lean on them and not just on my patient husband. I wish I had more support from my sister as well. I always imagined that I would talk to her all about pregnancy, but it is the complete opposite. I feel like I don't have anyone I feel comfortable asking specific questions about pregnancy without feeling stupid. Makes me feel lost sometimes.
I ordered a Fetal Heart Doppler, but because I have a very tilted uterus I most likely won't be able to hear the baby until 12 weeks (8w2d now). Speaking of my tilted uterus, pregnancy always brings on lower back pain around 7-8 weeks and I am not a fan (especially since it is a sign of miscarriage)! Also, round ligament pain is kicking my butt (also said to be more extreme with a tilted uterus)! I just love having sharp ligament pain when I laugh, cough, or sneeze. haha!
My biggest pain is actually something that I have been researching and I will have to talk to my doctor about at my next appointment. When I read up on Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (spd) I thought it was something made up or a joke! But then I realized that it makes sense and some of the pain I have been having may not necessarily be round ligament pain. When I walk I can hear my hips and lower back pop, crack, and grind and after this happens I have bad pain in my abdomen and groin (TMI, I know haha). For a few days after this happens I can barely walk from the bedroom to the bathroom (something I do often while pregnant). My thighs also radiate this pain. But then after being very careful and resting a lot the pain goes back down to a normal, bearable pain. I have been eating bananas and drinking as much water as I can stomach to see if that will help.
I talk about all these pains, but they aren't complaints, just facts. I love this baby and everything it decides to do to me is completely worth it. I remember telling Daniel that I would be so happy when we gave birth to our first baby, that I would most likely cry. I know every parent is grateful for their children and I know they are extremely overwhelmed with love and joy at their baby's arrival; however, it can't compare to the love I will feel when I am finally able to hold the precious child I have struggled to have. I have gone through so much emotional, spiritual, and physical pain over and over again as we try to build our family. This pain will allow me to appreciate exactly what I have been blessed with. I am beginning to truly understand the joy which comes after deep opposition.
Last week was our first positive ultrasound we have ever experienced. After leaving the office I turned to Daniel and said "So, this is what it feels like to have good news."
It is still sad to me that I will never reach certain milestones with my angel babies. In fact...this month has already been difficult as it is the month I should be holding my first beautiful baby in my arms. I should be celebrating with Daniel and family. I should be preparing last minute baby things. In fact, my 10 week appointment is a day before my actual due date for that baby. If we get bad news at that appointment (Feb. 17th) it will be very difficult for us.
I still find myself saying things like "If I am still pregnant in the summer..." and "If everything works out we can have the baby blessed at this time..." We are still being extremely cautious about this baby. I want to be excited, but with our track record it is not feasible to be totally optimistic. I love this little blob so very much.
Our next appointment isn't for another 2 weeks. Whew...seems so long from now, especially when I have had losses. I really wish I had family I feel comfortable with living near us so I could lean on them and not just on my patient husband. I wish I had more support from my sister as well. I always imagined that I would talk to her all about pregnancy, but it is the complete opposite. I feel like I don't have anyone I feel comfortable asking specific questions about pregnancy without feeling stupid. Makes me feel lost sometimes.
I ordered a Fetal Heart Doppler, but because I have a very tilted uterus I most likely won't be able to hear the baby until 12 weeks (8w2d now). Speaking of my tilted uterus, pregnancy always brings on lower back pain around 7-8 weeks and I am not a fan (especially since it is a sign of miscarriage)! Also, round ligament pain is kicking my butt (also said to be more extreme with a tilted uterus)! I just love having sharp ligament pain when I laugh, cough, or sneeze. haha!
My biggest pain is actually something that I have been researching and I will have to talk to my doctor about at my next appointment. When I read up on Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (spd) I thought it was something made up or a joke! But then I realized that it makes sense and some of the pain I have been having may not necessarily be round ligament pain. When I walk I can hear my hips and lower back pop, crack, and grind and after this happens I have bad pain in my abdomen and groin (TMI, I know haha). For a few days after this happens I can barely walk from the bedroom to the bathroom (something I do often while pregnant). My thighs also radiate this pain. But then after being very careful and resting a lot the pain goes back down to a normal, bearable pain. I have been eating bananas and drinking as much water as I can stomach to see if that will help.
I talk about all these pains, but they aren't complaints, just facts. I love this baby and everything it decides to do to me is completely worth it. I remember telling Daniel that I would be so happy when we gave birth to our first baby, that I would most likely cry. I know every parent is grateful for their children and I know they are extremely overwhelmed with love and joy at their baby's arrival; however, it can't compare to the love I will feel when I am finally able to hold the precious child I have struggled to have. I have gone through so much emotional, spiritual, and physical pain over and over again as we try to build our family. This pain will allow me to appreciate exactly what I have been blessed with. I am beginning to truly understand the joy which comes after deep opposition.
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