Brutal Mind Games

I was doing really well about my first due date (for my angel baby 02/18/14) coming and going...until today. This morning I woke up like every morning--super nauseous, dizzy, still tired, and with a full out migraine. After eating the only thing that sounded like I could keep down (a strawberry pop-tart with sips of propel zero) I fell asleep on the couch, waking up every 15 minutes only to say to Daniel "I really need to put in the progesterone" (then I would be asleep again).

One of the times I was deep in sleep on the couch I heard a newborn baby cry on the TV, but you know how it is when you are in sleep land and you are still groggy--your mind can play games with you. I jerked awake and my first thought was "I need to go take care of my baby." I soon fell asleep again without a second thought (I was exhausted).

When I was finally awake I told Daniel that I didn't need to re-watch the episodes that were playing while I was asleep because I half heard them while napping and told him the major points of the show (The Wonder Years). When I mentioned the baby I told him that I thought it was our baby who needed me, but I didn't think much of it until Daniel said something along the lines of "kinda hurts." That's when it hit me...I would be waking up right around this time to take care of my freshly born son or daughter if we hadn't lost the child in pregnancy.

I didn't really cry on the due date...it was more of a normal day (and Daniel has been way freaking busy so we didn't talk about it much). It was only when I felt strongly while in my dreamlike state that I needed to care for my little one that it brutally dawned on me how I long for the milestones I would have reached with my babies.

Even so...I only cried for a minute or two when Daniel mentioned how we would be with our baby right now if circumstances were different. I feel blessed to have a new chance, a new life developing in our lives and I am certain our new little fetus (10w5d) is the only thing keeping me as upbeat as I am these days (because I choose not to let too much stress and worry taint this baby). Hopefully in September I will be able to hear my own baby crying for me and not some TV newborn messing with my head.