Greener Grass Isn't Always Better

I have recently struggled with feeling a lot of guilt. I feel guilty for getting as far as I have (and it's not even that far yet, 10w3d) in pregnancy when others are losing their babies. I feel guilty for getting pregnant easily when others have to go through fertility treatments to have a baby. I just feel guilty and I hate it. I feel depressed when I lose a baby and guilty when it finally seems I have a chance to get what I have struggled for. And every pregnancy isn't even guaranteed to have a happy ending--I could still lose this baby at any point!

Why can't I just be happy? Why do people who suffer through these trials have to feel guilty for being pregnant again? I am not the only one who has felt this way and it makes me sad when people who are currently struggling say mean and hurtful things to the people who are finally being blessed for something they cried and prayed for every single night.

Today is the designated due date of my first lost baby. I feel like the nursery should be done for either a girl or boy. I should have a hospital bag packed. I may have already been holding my sweet child and beginning my new life as a mother, no...instead I am sitting at home with every single baby oriented thing we purchased for the past two babies in boxes so that I am not tortured by the sight of them.

I see so many women on my miscarriage facebook groups posting pictures of their rainbow babies born this month and I get sad because I feel like that should be me, so I am guilty of longingly looking at those who have struggled for what they have, but I recognize their struggles. I congratulate these women because they had their dark time and now they are currently being blessed. All of us experiencing infertility and/or pregnancy loss will get our day to be the happy new mother whether it is through adoption or biological means. Though at times I do feel guilty that I am having a currently healthy pregnancy after only losing two babies when others have lost more. I feel guilty that I haven't had to suffer through years of infertility to have this healthy pregnancy.

This month would be difficult for me, but I am mostly grateful no one close to me was due as well. May and June will be a different matter. My second baby was due in May. All my married friends are due either in May or June. Mothers Day is even in May (yeah that is going to suck majorly). That's when I will have the tough time because these women have not had to struggle the way I or others have and there is a part of me that feels like it is not fair (though we all know life isn't fair). People who haven't struggled for kids might read this and think I am a bitter person, but that's really not it. No one will understand unless they too have run into wall after wall to increase their family numbers.

Of my married friends I was the first to get pregnant and I will be the last to finally have my baby. I have been told by some of them after my first and second loss that I don't understand pregnancy and in my head I just want to scream at them for saying something so incredibly cruel because I should have experienced everything before each of them. I remember after I lost the second baby and I was at church watching one of these girls walking around with the belly I should have had and a thought popped into my head. The thought was "the first shall be last." I may have been the first to get pregnant. I may have been pregnant three times to their first, but I will be the last to hold my child and this isn't a bad thing. After my struggles I will love my baby more from the start because I have yearned for it and fought for this blessing. I have reached the depths of despair and when I have my baby I will be at the complete other end of the spectrum. I was extremely happy when I got pregnant with the first baby that was due today, but the moment I lost it I came to a realization of how much I wanted that baby. After losing the second that realization grew even stronger and now I am to the point where I will not stop trying for kids, no matter how much money or time I have to give up because I know I lost the most special thing in the world twice.

I really like this quote (and forgive the language, but I think it is necessary because infertility and pregnancy loss is a gritty topic):

I personally don't believe in greener grass, however that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. The grass of infertility is full of weeds and snakes and varying shades of brown. If by chance you do discover a greener pasture, please remember that it takes a lot of shit to fertilize a field--Author of Conceive This 
 
I like that quote because it is so true. I may think my life would have been better being that lucky lady who gets pregnant right away and gets to keep her baby, but then I wouldn't know the true extent of how much I want to be a mother. The grass may seem greener, but that isn't always the case for each person. We are individuals and as such our experiences must be different for us to grow and learn lessons others don't have to learn. Through these trials we learn empathy and love. I feel for every woman going through trials to have kids, and though my trials are not the same as another struggling for children, we all have learned how much we want a child and we sacrifice our daily lives to reach this goal. So I won't feel guilty for being pregnant anymore because I have suffered and I do feel in my heart that I will suffer more to have the four children I want. My story isn't over quite yet.