It Doesn't Surprise Me

It doesn't surprise me that many couples, married or not, break up after pregnancy or child loss no matter if they already have children. It doesn't surprise me...but it makes me so incredibly sad.

I am a member of a handful of facebook groups dedicated to miscarriage, trying to conceive after miscarriage, and pregnancy after a loss and it doesn't surprise me how many women are left devastated not only by their lost child or children, but also left devastated by a failed relationship. These women feel like they have failed their partner, family, friends, themselves, and their other children. It is heartbreaking. Many of these women are currently pregnant after a loss or multiple losses. These women are very strong and go through a lot to keep sane. I feel for each of these women, especially because I can't imagine being pregnant after a loss as well as losing my husband.

I read one story about a woman who is pregnant, due this coming August (in fact, on my birthday). She has at least one other child and recently she and her partner broke up. From her posts I can tell she is in the depths of despair as she now has to consider putting the child she is carrying up for adoption. I can't imagine going through loss after loss only to have to put my desperately wanted child up for adoption because my husband suddenly left with no word.

I have talked to many, many people who negate and limit the hurt pregnancy loss creates. I know they will never understand unless they have gone through how painful losing a child really is. Unfortunately, a lot of the people who diminish pregnancy loss are actually those who have or are currently pregnant and this actually shocks me! They of all people should be closer to understanding the hurt and pain. I just want to go up to them and tell them that everything is not set in stone and things can happen when you least expect it, but I don't want to be the jerk who is freaking out newly pregnant women.

Men and women grieve differently and a lot of times there is a loss in communication. Men who lose a child get pushed aside and try to appear strong for their partner. Women grieve more openly and want to talk. I remember after my first loss I didn't grieve right away because I numbed myself so I could get through the physical part of miscarriage. Life took over shortly after that and I still couldn't grieve until something would trigger the sadness of what occurred. Daniel on the other hand grieved as I miscarried and stood by my side at all times, being strong for me. Daniel was feeling better by the time I finally started grieving and I felt like I was alone. I was never alone because Daniel was always there for me. When I asked Daniel why he wasn't sad he said that he was, but he was trying to be strong for me. Once we communicated and discovered the way we both grieve differently things got better. Our second miscarriage allowed us to put this new knowledge to practice and we spent many months comforting each other.

It really doesn't surprise me why couples split up after going through a loss. I wonder if many couples lack communication to begin with. Luckily Daniel and I have always put communication first, but I could totally have seen our relationship taking an extreme hit if we hadn't already built a strong foundation.

So when people diminish pregnancy loss I get mad. I'm being totally serious. It frustrates me and it really does happen more than it should. If miscarriage wasn't a big deal, then why are so many couples falling apart?