10 Week Update

To be mostly taken humorously:

People keep telling me things from here on out are going to start getting better. They say I will not be as nauseous and have a burst of energy. I literally just snort thinking about that. How often does that really happen anyways? So far, my morning sickness is only steadily getting worse. It use to just be in the morning and evenings...now I am lucky if I have a half hour of feeling good after throwing up in the first place. And food?! Don't get me started on food. It's the bane of my existence right now. Nothing sounds good. Nothing. And water?!?! Blegh! Cold Gatorade and Propels have become one of the only liquids I can get down without gagging on every tiny sip. I haven't made it to my 9am church meeting in quite a while and Daniel and I just got new callings (nursery music leaders). We have decided I will plan the lessons during the week and Daniel will be the one to make it out to church and magnify our calling. It's the only way right now unless they want me to traumatize sweet, little toddlers.

Poor Daniel is worried about the financial side of things: finding an internship that will lead to a job and doing well in school (all extremely important things). What am I worried about? I worry about what I am going to eat next and what it will look and smell like coming back up. Caramel popcorn...never again. Nastiest thing I have ever experienced. The taste of it coming up just made me hurl that much more. The popcorn had the BYU logo on it, just adding to my reasons why I dislike BYU (maybe that is a bit too harsh). And throwing up in the toilet? Yeah, I finally tried that instead of in a waste basket and nope...that's another thing of the past. I wasn't a fan of the uncontrollable splash back of regurgitated food and toilet water, or the smell of the toilet to begin with (and yes, the toilet was clean before all Hell broke loose).

I keep trying every little bit of advice you are constantly told when you have morning sickness: eat crackers, small meals, tiny sips, ginger ale, lemon...you name it, I have tried it (except acupuncture...not happening). Don't try giving me advice. I have done my research. I am determined to get that Zofran I was promised 3 weeks ago and maybe I will finally cave in and try the preggie pops and sea bands. Eating what sounds tolerable is the only way I have learned to stave off the eventual apocalypse, and even then it can take me up to two hours to decide what "kinda, but not really" sounds good at the moment (and by then I already have a bucket in my face). Sometimes I hit the lottery and feel pretty good about what I ate, and sometimes I am not so lucky.

My brother-in-law came to Provo for a career fair and when he comes out he is always nice and takes Daniel and me out to dinner. The only thing that sounded good to me was chicken tenders from Applebees...a new staple of mine. I get it at least once a week now. I'm just glad I wasn't looking green the whole time. If we had went out the next day like it was originally planned, things would not have turned out so nice. I told Daniel he was lucky to miss that display of volcanic proportions (the caramel popcorn experience).

Also, not a fan of nearly passing out in the shower the other day. I knew I was getting dizzier and dizzier, but I didn't expect to hurriedly turn off the shower, still soapy and wet, to plop on the ground to get my head (and heart which was racing) back in working order. And hemorrhoids. I have never had one in my life! I heard you are more susceptible to them in pregnancy, but I thought if I were to undergo that trauma it would be farther along...much farther. But at 10 weeks?! 10 weeks!!! My poor bottom. Going to the bathroom will never be the same again.

Let's now talk about migraines and restless leg syndrome. I had just gotten done telling myself that I was sleeping surprisingly well (pretty much like how you sleep after a long day in the field). I jinxed myself, hardcore. Until just yesterday my migraine was constant and throbbing. I am so grateful it is gone (and I pray it never comes back). I also toss and turn all night to find a comfortable position (every 15 minutes) just for my selfish legs to feel at ease.

So...a couple pregnant friends commented to me after my losses that pregnancy nightmares are horrible. Yes...I did just rant about pregnancy in this post, but it was mostly out of humor and to distract me from my nauseousness, but I will never truly complain. Typically if you talk to me in person and I bring up anything that sounds like complaining I am saying it with a smile on my face and even laughing a bit at how funny pregnancy really can be. I would say losing longed for babies is a far worse fate than pregnancy. And the nightmares are excruciating when you have had losses and for me, no living children. Most pregnant women get to occasionally have nice dreams of holding their baby. Me? I dream every night that I am losing the baby. Every. Single. Night. Just a couple nights ago I dreamed I was 16 weeks pregnant and my husband carved the baby out of my abdomen (this is a very brief and not graphic version of the dream). The baby was a girl. Let's just say when I am 16 weeks I will hide all the knives from Daniel. :)

My cramping has lessened to a more normal and bearable amount though. It has been like that for a week now and I like it! I know it will come back eventually, but for now, I will just enjoy being able to get up and move without feeling like I am being torn apart.

I am so grateful for this baby. Every night I pray that if it is God's will we will have a baby to raise in September. Every morning before I get out of bed I just dedicate my prayers to thanking God for all my blessings, especially for a pregnancy that seems to be developing well. The morning sickness is only a huge comfort to me and I am grateful that it hasn't turned into hyperemesis (which runs in my family). I am grateful for a husband who is willing to run out to the store at any point, no matter how busy he is, just so I can eat the one thing that sounds like it just might stay down long enough to give nutrition to my body and my precious little blob growing inside of me. He is so loving and understanding. I know it has been hard for him to watch me suffer for 9 months with two miscarriages, health problems, and now being wiped from a wonderful new chance in bringing life into this world.

This baby is a miracle baby to me (all babies are, but this one especially). After losing two babies I can not see this baby in any other way. I do recognize the possibility that this one might not be my rainbow. I recognize I am not in control and this little life could leave me at any point--having two miscarriages really does make pregnancy into a new kind of challenge. I am at peace with whatever happens, even though another loss will surely send us feeling deep despair and uncertainty.

I gain comfort from the prayers and fasts from so many friends, family, and strangers. It completely warms my heart to hear how my nieces in Boston are praying and fasting for me. I am so grateful for faith and the knowledge of the atonement. I am never alone and everyone has proven it to me by their prayers and kind words. Thank you! I have my next doctors appointment this coming Monday, the 17th, and I will most likely update again then (hoping for good news).