Promotion or Blessing...pick wisely

Okay...so I read an announcement today that rubbed me the wrong way. Some people reading this may know who it is, but I just don't care.

I just need to get this off my chest.

When you get married, you are NOT being promoted.

When you have kids, you are NOT being promoted!

Definition of Promotion
the action of raising someone to a higher position or rank or the fact of being so raised.

I have many single friends that I love dearly. Though I know many of them want to be married right now. I know being single feels like being a failure, especially when you have parents, siblings, and married friends putting pressure on you to get a ring on your finger. I remember being 21 and unmarried (LDS culture) and feeling like an old hag. People age 18 were getting married left and right and popping babies out before I was BLESSED with marriage. Key word, BLESSED. You are NOT being promoted, you are being BLESSED.

We all have blessings come at different times, though I hate hearing that myself and don't you dare lecture me on God's timing because I know more about God's timing in my own life better than you do (AKA Personal Revelation). Just like you know His timing in your life better than I do. I have no right to go up to you and say "You were just not meant to be married or have kids yet." I have no right to say that to anyone. We all go through our own struggles. People need to stop making life a competition and using words like "We are being promoted" denote competition and superiority over those who haven't been blessed with that particular thing yet.

After two recurrent pregnancy losses I felt like a failure for not doing something LDS women seem to be able to do without batting their eyelashes. One miscarriage, fine...I could take that because one miscarriage is common and even expected with your first try. Two miscarriages? No...now I either have really bad luck or there is actually something wrong with me. To say that all those who get pregnant the moment they are married (again LDS culture) are being promoted to mother and father-hood is absolutely bonkers. It's like saying to all those who haven't reached that stage (whether they are actively trying or not) are not as good as you are because you have a bun in the oven or are holding your precious child.

So next time you say you are being promoted...don't. That's the wrong word. It's a ridiculously stupid word to use in the LDS culture when it seems like if you don't reach certain milestones in life at a certain age you are a menace to society. This needs to stop now. It is my least favorite part of this culture and it is completely wrong. Not everyone on this earth will get married, not everyone will have the opportunity to have children. It's a blessing you are granted on this earth while others will be blessed later. Please keep this in mind. We are equals.

Again, you are not being promoted, you are not just lucky, you are being blessed for your righteous desires and you should be grateful for not going through struggles others have to endure to get what you are blatantly saying you are better than them for having (whether that was your intention or not).

We are all blessed for our righteous desires at different times. I am not being bitter about that, people are just using the wrong word. I am actually very grateful to be an angel mom. I am grateful for marrying when I was 21. I have the most amazing husband. I have the most amazing feelings of closeness to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that I would never have if I didn't lose two babies. It is an awful feeling to send two most wanted children to Heaven and struggle to keep faith in God's timing, but in the end if you rise triumphantly it becomes the most unique blessing. I am so BLESSED to have two little ones waiting for me across the veil and to have another blessing developing every second inside me. I pray every day that I will be blessed to have that child make it into my arms so that I can do my part in raising the next righteous generation on this earth.

Blessings are amazing things, so use the right words and say you are being blessed.

16 Week Update

Morning sickness is coming and going...or maybe being out of Utah has made me distracted enough where I can live a normal life.

Cramping was bad earlier this week, but I told Daniel that I was probably going to get bigger because of the cramping. Sure enough...I think I popped. My belly is a lot rounder and harder. It almost looks like a real bump and not just flub, but it is a bump to me. I feel like my pregnant belly looks more like I am farther than I am.

I feel the baby daily, even have gotten a couple sharp jabs here or there that I felt lightly on the outside.

I have more energy, but still enjoy resting and sleeping.

Wisconsin has been fun so far. We have done a lot of walking and right now Daniel is sleeping on the bed. I think the interviews were tiring for him, but I can tell he had a lot of fun. He said it was all a very good experience, now we will wait to know if we will be making a move to Madison. Either way we are at peace with the decision.

This baby has made me so happy. I miss my angels, but I know they are watching over me. I am also thankful for a husband who works very hard for our family. I know that Daniel will always support our family as a worthy priesthood holder and a provider. I am so incredibly blessed to have gone through all that I have because I know I am even more blessed with the happiness of all that has gone well in these past 3-4 months.

This Baby better be a Genious

I am a smart person. I know this, my friends know this, my family knows this (I am not saying this to brag, it's just who I am). I just value my personal education. I am someone who loves knowing everything about a subject so I can intelligently hold a conversation when the time comes. I am known for remembering events and planning things in advance. I was always that student who had a plan on what, when, and how to study. I was the student who told other students something was due in a week or that the midterm was approaching. I was always very on top of things.

For each of my pregnancies I had this symptom--pregnancy brain. With this rainbow pregnancy I have become incredibly stupid. I remember nothing. Daniel has to tell me things over and over again. He has gotten into the habit of saying things like "I told you this a week ago as well as this morning..." I always forget to move the laundry through. I even forget to feed and water the dogs (oops).

I now snicker when I schedule an ultrasound or a new doctor's visit and the receptionist asks if I want a reminder card. Well yes, please give me a reminder card for the appointment which takes place in a month so I will not forget!!!

So if I forget to answer a text that I read and was about to reply to but then forgot just as quickly, forgive me. If I don't call you back until a week later, forgive me. If I forget you were coming over, forgive me (and also don't laugh too hard as I scramble to find something more decent to wear than a robe). If I start a conversation then get an embarrassed look as I mumble "I forgot what I was talking about" then please forgive me...or laugh...that's what Daniel and I do.

There is one date I am absolutely determined to remember...the date of a friend's surgery. She has been there for me through both my miscarriages and I have been too sick to skype and I feel like a terrible friend. So I will not forget this date.

This baby better be ugly and brilliant!!!

You are naming your child what?

So recently I have been casually looking at baby names again and I have to admit I am appalled at what people are naming their children these days. Do they not realize that the child has to live with that name? My goodness, if I was named something I couldn't pronounce I would quickly change my name the moment I turned 18.

I guess I am one for more traditional names, which are becoming more and more uncommon. I do like some of the more 'modern' sounding names as well, but as long as they are mostly normal. Here are some reasons for rethinking the name of your child:

1. Your child has to live with it for a very long time.
2. Other people writing down the child's name will have trouble spelling it, especially if it is one of 4 new and unique ways of spelling that particular name.
3. The child will have to repeat himself when asked what his name is.
4. Can you picture yourself yelling that name in a crowded public place?
5. Your child has to learn how to spell it. Adding random letters and symbols to a name are going to hurt the child when it comes to learning how to sound words out. (Ex. $ instead of an 'S')
6. Their teachers have to learn how to pronounce it. If I were a teacher these days I would go insane looking at the student list. I bet I wouldn't know how to pronounce at least 1/3rd of the names.
7. Teachers will have a  more difficult time remembering your child's unusual name. Not only teachers, but anyone who meets your child will not remember the child's name.
8. When your child becomes an adult they have to put that name on a resume. Who wants to hire someone with a strange name that sounds unprofessional?
9. Other children and adults might make fun of the child. Well, actually I wouldn't personally make fun of the child, I would actually question the intelligence of the parent.

That was a short list, but I am sure there are more reasons. What names do I like? I like strong names. I like a name that the child could be proud of having. I like names with meaning to them, but are also normal like Sarah, Katie, Samuel, Elizabeth, Aaron, and Chris. I also prefer using full names (with a few exceptions). You won't hear me calling my husband 'Dan' or 'Danny' but you will hear me call him Daniel.

Anyways...these are just my thoughts and I know I don't have many examples for odd and unusual names, but I do invite you to enter a baby name website or just visit Utah. If you do this you will quickly see what I mean.

14 Week Update

Time for a quick update. Still nauseous (a lot actually), still tired, less cramping (yay), and now I have chloasma (dark spots on my face from the hormones).

The bump is bigger (no, I will not be one of those ladies who post non-stop belly photos) and at times I swear I feel something where I know the baby has made it's territory. I know people say that you can't feel the baby this early, but they also say women who know what it already feels like can feel the baby as soon as 10 weeks. Which just means to me that women CAN feel it as early as I am but they somehow just don't recognize it. Now, I was never blessed to experience movement with my two angels, but I do believe that miscarriage allows you to have a better connection with your body. Also, I am on bed rest which means I rest a lot so I am not distracted by noises or my own movements. I am not claiming I feel this little one all the time, just maybe twice in the past week and each time I have been laying down and just concentrating on the baby (and I know it isn't gas). It hasn't been terribly strong (the baby is still tiny after all), but it is noticeable when I am relaxing.

The other night I felt the baby for about 20 seconds while falling asleep and I shockingly turned to Daniel and said "Daniel! I think the baby is moving!" So then I told Daniel I was going to poke the baby and see what happens. Sure enough, I got a reaction from bubs!

My morning sickness is up and down. I get about a 1.5-2 days a week where I am sick all day but don't throw up--these are my good days. The rest of the week I am pretty darn miserable. I am normally sick at night, but I try to sleep through it. Last night was brutal and it is all because I woke up to a puppy hacking on the bed. I reached over to pick Shadow up from the bed before she made a mess on our comforter, but instead I stuck my whole hand into a very thick puppy vomit and it wreaked!!! I got Shadow off the bed and helped her to feel better, but then noticed she was covered in vomit, so she got a bath (the other dog was so happy when she realized she didn't get a midnight bath). The dogs then wanted outside so we let them do their thing, but Shadow pulled Misty a bit too hard and Misty hit her head against the corner and she got a small cut on her ear which bled all over her white fur. So she didn't get out of a bath after all. This whole time I knew I was going to be sick, but it was biding it's time until Daniel heated up some leftover steak and to me it reminded me of the smell of the puppy vomit all over my hands...then I threw up (and then ate the last bite of steak, yum!).

Just replace 'carpet' with 'bed'.

This all happened around 4-5am. I know people will just laugh and say "it's preparing you for kids." I don't find this statement funny (even though I said it to Daniel half laughing as we were bathing a puke-covered dog). To me, any statement involving "get sleep now or else you will regret it," or "better go out while you can" are rather annoying and insensitive. I think they are mean and condescending. I think that no one should ever say these or anything related to it to any pregnant couple. Daniel and I have had more alone time then we ever wanted and we are fully ready for the challenges of parenthood. After losing your wanted children you kind of get into the "shut up and stop complaining" mode to parents and pregnant women. Now I talk about my symptoms on here, but mostly to document them for myself, they are never meant to be complaints (if they were you would know). Mini rant over.

My appointment is tomorrow. At this appointment we will schedule a date for the gender scan and the anatomy scan. So excited!

Beautiful Heartbeat

I may be biased, but this little one inside of me has the most musical heartbeat I have ever heard. The "thump thump thump" drumming at 170 bpm just brings the biggest smile of relief on my face every time we hear it! Soon we plan to record the heartbeat (better than the recording we have now) so that we can place the recording in a Build-a-Bear and give it to our growing child. It is the most comforting sound between monthly OB appointments and I feel it is also a must-have for angel parents. Five more days till my 14w2d appointment! Soon we can learn the gender of our wonderful miracle! Every moment is a cherished blessing and I am so grateful to be given another chance. Grow Baby Grow!!!

For all who are curious, I am using the Sonoline B 3Mhz Fetal Doppler:

Which should I do?!

Okay, so I have thought off and on about showers for the baby. If you know me, then you know I hate the typical baby showers even before I lost two babies (I just get uncomfortable in big group situations). With the first two babies I never wanted a shower...after all we were doing well financially at the time and I hate asking people for gifts when we could handle the baby things on our own. However...after hospital bills and me being on bed rest (unable to work), we are struggling enough to feel like we aren't just taking from people, but that people are actually helping us when we need the help.

Daniel has an internship this summer and will have a full time job January 2015, but until he starts these positions we are hurting quite a bit. Once he starts working full time we will be well-off, but this isn't until a year from now.

So I have three choices:

Baby Shower: Probably the one I am leaning towards the least because I hate typical baby showers. If I were to have one I would just make it into a lunch/dinner party where spouses are invited, gifts are given, and no cheesy baby shower games are played. It would just be a fun get-together with music, movies, food, and maybe some activities. I want it to be welcoming for those who are struggling for kids (a safe-haven) as well as an enjoyable place for everyone else. This would probably be in July.

Gender Reveal: I am quite interested in a gender reveal, especially because a friend from England might be here in the USA around that time. I think the activities would be more fun and the suspense would be thrilling. This would also be a dinner party, but with a gender reveal item and small games that are bearable (but fun, don't worry). I am thinking about doing this for friends in Utah. This would be around Easter.

Meet and Greet: Call me paranoid...but after two losses it is very easy to imagine never bringing home a baby. This would be the safe option. People could give gifts after the baby comes so if we lose the baby we won't have the heartache of seeing baby items all over the apartment. I am leaning towards doing this for Michigan friends when we bring the baby out to visit family for the first time (maybe for the baby blessing in December or January).

After watching my dreams get crushed over and over again I feel like this baby needs to be celebrated and I would love friends and family to attend if they are available, or at least show support.

For each of these choices I wouldn't ask for gifts, but for money and gift cards so that Daniel and I can buy things we need and not end up with a billion outfits (I am hoping just for hand-me downs) or blankets. That way people can easily send money from further away and I wouldn't have to worry about a registry.

Also, I am a quiet person by nature...this includes me not having many close friends, so I don't even know if any of these options would be do-able. Comment (with your name in post) or post on the facebook link if you would be willing to come to any of these ideas. 

Shower thoughts

I do a lot of my thinking in the shower. I don't know why, but it has always been this way. Maybe it's the warm water running over me that calms my mind, or maybe it's a moment I can take just for myself...I don't know.

A few days ago I was thinking about how I sometimes (not always) feel like a failure because I am struggling for a family. I thought back to how I have been treated by friends and family and why my mind still thinks I have failed. It is pretty obvious why I feel this way...after all I have actually been asked "don't you feel like a failure because you haven't been able to do something many women do all the time?" This question makes it even harder for me to watch women have successful pregnancies, still full of innocence of the things that can actually go wrong. Granted I have also been treated well by many, and I am so thankful for those kind souls because they keep me thinking "Why no, I am not a failure!"

So while I was taking this particular shower I took a moment and prayed (I do a lot of praying in the shower too). I prayed about my children who I never saw grow up. In particular I asked about their well-being and about how I sometimes feel like I not only failed myself, but I failed them. Let's just say recurrent pregnancy loss can put a lot of guilt in a person's mind and comments and actions of others can either help a person overcome this or feed the monster.

I was overwhelmed with the feeling that they are doing really well. I know they are waiting for me to come to them. I know it will be a beautiful reunion. Not only that, but I felt peace that I am not a failure, but that I succeeded in something people fail at all the time--growing from one of the hardest trials on this earth. I was comforted by the fact that each of those babies had a heartbeat and to me I know those babies were alive and had a body. I was overcome with a sense of accomplishment and pride that I am an angel mother to two babies. How weird to be happy about losing your hopes and dreams! I am proud to call myself an angel mother because I have triumphed. I have grown. I have loved more than I ever thought I could. I have yearned and prayed for my righteous desires. I have been blessed. I have two children who are watching me, looking over me, protecting me, and guiding me. I have two babies who make me want to live a better life, not just for me, but for them. I want them to be proud of how much their mom has grown and overcome the agony of losing her children early on. Those children inspire me like no other. When it comes to my death bed, I know they will be extending their hands out eagerly welcoming me back to our Heavenly Home. I know I will still get sad, but my sadness will be about missing them and wishing I could have seen them grow on this earth. I wonder if I will be able to raise them in the millennium.

So I am no where near a failure. I am one of the strongest mothers on this earth--all who have lost a baby or struggled for a baby are strong parents. We are empowering. We are full of hope and faith. We are the mothers who would gladly take any child on this earth and raise him/her without question. I know people say that it was good that those babies I lost weren't born because there would have been something wrong with them, but I would gladly take a special needs child without hesitation. I hope to adopt one day, even after having biological children. I hope that when this time comes that Daniel and I will be well enough off to adopt a special needs child and give that child the best opportunities and help available.

Morning Sickness Update-13w2d

So I won't post weights, but at the beginning of 2013 I weighed an unhealthy amount--all weight that I gained after being married. I use to be healthy and fit. I wanted that back. I was disgusted with how much weight I had gained. I wanted to get to a certain weight by June and field camp helped me lose that weight even though my mind wasn't focused on "ooh, look how much I lost." I lost 10 pounds at field camp (6 weeks) and I was feeling pretty much back in shape, just not at the weight I wanted.

I got pregnant with Angel #1 at the end of May 2013 and I was happy with my weight loss. After losing Angel #1 in July I honestly didn't care about my weight, but I did want to eventually lose more before conceiving again. At this time the Gunnell family had this huge hype about the Medifast diet, which really does work. Everyone was getting in shape. I felt like I was in limbo...I yearned to reach a healthy weight again, but miscarriages do awful things to your mind and sometimes to your body. I also just wanted to try again to bring a child into this world and after one miscarriage I didn't want to waste much time.

In September 2013, Daniel and I started the Medifast diet which is pretty pricey if you are a college student and if you are paying off medical bills. This diet helped me lose 10 more pounds in one week...yep one week. I then stopped the diet because I just knew I was pregnant again. So far, all three times I have conceived I have told Daniel that I was pregnant and I was right. :) By the third time Daniel even recognized the signs--including sleeping in till noon! The second loss hit me really hard. I was hearing updates of everyone's life--including getting pregnant and losing weight (both things I wanted).

I didn't diet at all before we got pregnant for the third time, I just didn't feel up to it since I was going to the doctor every week trying to figure out why I was still really sick after the second miscarriage. Daniel even told me not to diet since I could barely bend over or walk without being in extreme pain. I felt like crap that entire time. Luckily I was on the mend within 2 months of the second miscarriage...though they were the longest 2 months of my life (especially since we were not allowed to try again till I was better).

We got the green light almost too late in December to get pregnant, but we decided to give it a go. Honestly, I wanted to be pregnant, but I also wanted at least a month of feeling normal to exercise again. I remember praying that I was leaving conceiving into God's hands and if we got pregnant sooner or later I would accept our fate. Either way, I knew from personal revelation that when we conceived again things would be better this time. Now I am pregnant with Baby #3 (and hopefully not Angel #3). We got pregnant right away even though we almost missed our December window and I know this was completely God's will.

Since being pregnant again I have lost another 10 pounds...making it 30 pounds lost in one year; however, this last 10 pounds was not weight I was planning on losing. Basically it means I have lost up to one pound a week since becoming pregnant (currently 13 weeks). When I weighed myself this morning I saw that I had broken past a certain number and if I wasn't pregnant I would have celebrated! It has been too long since I have seen that number on the scale! But...all I felt was sadness. I only weigh myself once a week, but it has been hard watching those numbers dwindling.

My morning sickness has only begun to get worse. I use to only throw up a couple times a week (I know that doesn't sound awful at all), but I have ALL day nausea where I feel like I could throw up at any moment. Try eating when you feel like you will throw it back up! I thought stopping progesterone a week ago would take away this symptom, or alleviate it...but instead I have thrown up everyday and sometimes twice a day since being off of it. I seem to be only getting much worse. Since going off progesterone I have lost 2 pounds. I eat...I really do. I have a feeling I will only see the numbers on the scale drop steadily from here on out.

I may be in my second trimester, but I am not feeling this 'honeymoon' period people keep telling me about. Even as I typed this I have thrown up once and I feel another episode coming on quickly. I have only been up for an hour.

I am glad this baby is doing well. I am so excited to take this baby hiking with me, though I may have to start off on some light hiking to get myself back in shape after being bedridden for so long. All I can say is--grow baby grow!

A Very Welcomed Visit

Back in January 2013 I had a dream, but you could tell it was more like a vision. I believe three of my children visited me and it was one of the most spiritual moments I have ever experienced outside of the Temple. To this day I think of that dream often since I have struggled to create my family. It gives me peace and the complete reassurance I need that I will not just be a mother to the babies who have already moved on, but I will be a mother on this Earth as well. 

Taken from the actual journal entry:

I took a Sunday nap today and while I was dreaming I had a beautiful moment. My dreams started off normal--I was dreaming that I was fighting in a battle in the sky and I had just dodged a trap of needles and I was shooting down the bad guys. Then my dream shifted and I was dreaming that I was asleep facing the edge of the bed (my actual sleeping position). The room was filled with a warm, peaceful light. It could be described as sitting in a comfortably warm chair with summer rays shining through the window adding to the comfortable warmth. It was so peaceful. It is the feeling one can feel in the Temple, where you are closest to God. It really did feel like I was in a holy place.

In this dream there was a child, maybe age 5-8, who stood by my bed and held my hand. He said some things to me that I can't quite remember, but I truly felt connected to him. I do remember him saying "I'm ready to come." When he held my hand it felt so right and full of love. He was looking at me while he had my hand in his and then smiled and patted my belly (lovingly, but childishly) and said with happiness and eagerness in his voice and still smiling "Mommy, I want to come first." When he said this I felt like I was pregnant in the dream with two babies. I had dates flash in my mind. I felt as if the child wanted to come this year, but dates of conceiving later in the year also flashed in my mind. I call this child a he, but I never saw his face for certain. It felt like it was a boy, but I also felt a girl spirit nearby (I felt like she was one of the babies inside me). 

After he said he wanted to come first I woke up, but I felt like I wasn't really awake. I felt far away from the world--detached. I told Daniel what I had experienced and he reassured me it was a vision and not just a normal dream. The feeling of peace and love from the vision stayed with me for a long while afterward. I still felt like I was dreaming. I might even go as far as saying that the spirits of my children were still near me. I feel that the way is being made clear to have these children brought into my arms. I can say with no doubts that I love my children and will do anything to get them here safely. 

End of journal entry

It has been over a year since I had that experience and I still try to interpret the meaning. I now understand the vision better than I did back then and in some ways it comforts me and in others it makes me sad. I dreamed about (what I believe to be) the two babies I miscarried and about the one I am hoping to have in my arms this September if things actually go well this time. I happened to lose 2 babies in about 3-ish months that year and now I am once again pregnant and we did conceive the one due in September at the end of the 2013 (currently 13 weeks). I think of this dream often and wonder if I was being prepared to lose the two babies I was pregnant with in the dream, but the dream gives me hope that I will finally have the baby who happily and eagerly "wanted to come first."

Progesterone Drama/Surprise Ultrasound

Wow...can I just say that I hate having a pregnancy that requires medications to hold? I am glad I am done with progesterone for many reasons, but now that I have been off it for a day (officially) I am so scared! The first time I decided to go off it I cramped, a lot. So I decided to take one more dose. The second and final time I decided to go off it I cramped even worse! I woke up this morning feeling sure that I was losing the baby (not something you want to feel after losing two already!).

Of course I got my lazy bum over to the doctors to ease my mind. I asked to be checked for a UTI (I am prone to them) just in case if my pains were UTI related. I also am keeping in mind that round ligament pains can sometimes be pretty darn awful. And since I am well on my way to being 13 weeks it eases my mind knowing that little bubs is going through a huge growth spurt right about now. phew!

The negatives of going in for the appointment: it was a last minute appointment so they squeezed me in when they had time and I still waited a full hour with an incredibly bursting bladder and I was close to throwing up the entire wait. I told Daniel as we were in the lobby that if I were to throw up I would also majorly pee my pants!

The positives of the appointment: the nurse was very nice, she couldn't find the baby on Doppler (because I had just emptied my bladder) so I got an ultrasound, I got to ask all the questions I had been collecting these past 2 weeks, and she comforted my weary mind about progesterone.

Basically she said that because the baby was jumping around (adorable!) and had a very strong heartbeat most women who go off progesterone at this time are perfectly fine, but of course she warned me to come in if I see any signs of bleeding.

Can I just say that I am so incredibly grateful that I was guided to this particular doctor's office? They never make me feel like I am insignificant. They are responsible for putting me on progesterone so that my chances of a third miscarriage early on are smaller and they always reassure me immediately if they can't find the baby on Doppler with a quick ultrasound. Seeing as my next real ultrasound isn't until 20 weeks it is so nice getting small glimpses of the baby developing. The little one jumped around and looked so big and baby-like (with a cute spine to boot)! I wish they offered pictures so I could have those forever, but I know the ultrasound was only to be sure the baby was fine.

So I am still terrified of going off something that I have been using as a crutch this whole pregnancy, It is the scariest thing I have had to do, but the placenta should be sustaining the baby now and I know I need to have faith. Daniel's father gave me a blessing when he visited us this past weekend and he said so many beautiful and reassuring things, but the most important part to me was the part that I am being asked to have faith right now. So I will have that faith and take the leap. I will lean even more on prayers and scripture reading during this scary time and know that whatever is in our future will be what is necessary for us to be incredible people in the eternities.

Also as a side note: I thought going off progesterone would make some of my fatigue and morning sickness calm down. Nope. I told Daniel as he was opening the door to get into the house that the first thing I was going to do was throw up. Needless to say, 2 seconds into the front room I turned and puked in the trash can. Pregnancy for the win!!!

12 Week Update

So I am kinda at that awkward stage where I have more energy, but I also don't. I feel like I am feeling less nauseous, but I am actually worse. Doesn't make sense? Yeah...to me either. I am on a modified bed rest due to a hemorrhage, have been since around 7 weeks. Now that I have more energy I am tired of doing nothing all day and then I overdo it and feel even worse. My morning sickness at first was just morning and evening, then it became all day sickness, and now it is back to morning and evening. Though the moments I feel sick are worse than any of the worse morning sickness I have had this whole time. So if you see me during afternoon hours I might be looking pretty good (and most likely medicated because even when I am feeling good I am still nauseous to some extent). If you see me in the morning or after 7pm...forget it, I might be smiling and conversing, but inside I am thinking about hurling all over. To me, it is just a good sign that things are going well. I have also been having a bit more cramping and some more back pain, but it comes and goes so I think it isn't anything to worry about. I plan on getting checked for a UTI tomorrow just to make sure some of the pains aren't just normal round ligament pains.

We listened to the heartbeat this week on our home fetal Doppler. It is a wonderful and comforting sound after two miscarriages! We recently recorded the sound so we can have it with us no matter the outcome of this pregnancy.

Most people are happy when they reach 12 weeks because it means you have a lower chance of miscarriage, but for me it is the opposite. At 12 weeks I stop my hormone therapy that has been my crutch the whole time. Some people lose their babies shortly after going off the progesterone and of course that is a concern to me. Keep me especially in your prayers these next couple weeks that the placenta will be working correctly to support the baby so that going off the hormones won't hurt the baby. All positive thoughts and prayers are very appreciated. I am so grateful for all my friends.