Shower thoughts

I do a lot of my thinking in the shower. I don't know why, but it has always been this way. Maybe it's the warm water running over me that calms my mind, or maybe it's a moment I can take just for myself...I don't know.

A few days ago I was thinking about how I sometimes (not always) feel like a failure because I am struggling for a family. I thought back to how I have been treated by friends and family and why my mind still thinks I have failed. It is pretty obvious why I feel this way...after all I have actually been asked "don't you feel like a failure because you haven't been able to do something many women do all the time?" This question makes it even harder for me to watch women have successful pregnancies, still full of innocence of the things that can actually go wrong. Granted I have also been treated well by many, and I am so thankful for those kind souls because they keep me thinking "Why no, I am not a failure!"

So while I was taking this particular shower I took a moment and prayed (I do a lot of praying in the shower too). I prayed about my children who I never saw grow up. In particular I asked about their well-being and about how I sometimes feel like I not only failed myself, but I failed them. Let's just say recurrent pregnancy loss can put a lot of guilt in a person's mind and comments and actions of others can either help a person overcome this or feed the monster.

I was overwhelmed with the feeling that they are doing really well. I know they are waiting for me to come to them. I know it will be a beautiful reunion. Not only that, but I felt peace that I am not a failure, but that I succeeded in something people fail at all the time--growing from one of the hardest trials on this earth. I was comforted by the fact that each of those babies had a heartbeat and to me I know those babies were alive and had a body. I was overcome with a sense of accomplishment and pride that I am an angel mother to two babies. How weird to be happy about losing your hopes and dreams! I am proud to call myself an angel mother because I have triumphed. I have grown. I have loved more than I ever thought I could. I have yearned and prayed for my righteous desires. I have been blessed. I have two children who are watching me, looking over me, protecting me, and guiding me. I have two babies who make me want to live a better life, not just for me, but for them. I want them to be proud of how much their mom has grown and overcome the agony of losing her children early on. Those children inspire me like no other. When it comes to my death bed, I know they will be extending their hands out eagerly welcoming me back to our Heavenly Home. I know I will still get sad, but my sadness will be about missing them and wishing I could have seen them grow on this earth. I wonder if I will be able to raise them in the millennium.

So I am no where near a failure. I am one of the strongest mothers on this earth--all who have lost a baby or struggled for a baby are strong parents. We are empowering. We are full of hope and faith. We are the mothers who would gladly take any child on this earth and raise him/her without question. I know people say that it was good that those babies I lost weren't born because there would have been something wrong with them, but I would gladly take a special needs child without hesitation. I hope to adopt one day, even after having biological children. I hope that when this time comes that Daniel and I will be well enough off to adopt a special needs child and give that child the best opportunities and help available.