Surprisingly I handled this miscarriage really well initially. It wasn't until other problems reared their ugly heads that the grief of this miscarriage took over my life.
My Second Miscarriage (Nicole Gunnell):
I went to the doctor and expressed my concern for my right sided pain. They said they didn't want to check for an ectopic because the chances of me having one was slim. Even though I didn't have an ectopic, and I am so extremely grateful, it would have eased my mind to have been checked.
After describing the pain I was having the doctors told me "it's normal round ligament pain." The doctors also didn't check for a UTI, which I had every symptom, they just said it was all normal. I chose to believe them for that visit, but the pain was getting worse each day. I had never had a UTI before in my life and didn't know how they felt, now I am very aware.
The day before we moved I started spotting and I felt even sharper stabbing pains on my right side. I decided to go to the Instacare to get checked for a UTI. They almost turned me away saying "we can't take care of pregnant ladies, go to the ER." I had to express that I wasn't looking for an ultrasound, just a simple test to see if I had an infection. What a night. The doctor was nice. My dip test came back normal and he said to take antibiotics anyway because I had every symptom for an infection. The first antibiotic he gave me turned out to be useless--it wouldn't attack the specific bacteria in my body.
I got a call nearly a week later that I did indeed have an infection and the antibiotic I was on wouldn't help. I also had told the doctor many times I was pregnant. There are a few antibiotics you can give an expecting mother, but he prescribed me a new one that was high on the red flag list. I immediately called my OBGYN and they gave me a new prescription, one that wouldn't help my infection again. I had to call many times and a week later I was given amoxicillin. Unfortunately, I had begun miscarrying October 5, 2013 at 7 weeks pregnant.
The moment I saw the blood clots I told Daniel that I wanted to go to the ER to rule out an ectopic pregnancy since my pain was still severe. Even though I knew I had a UTI I wanted to be sure there were no other major complications. I am glad I went to the ER even though I have family members who scoff at that decision. If I hadn't gone I wouldn't have had that last moment with my baby--the little heartbeat flickering away.
Before I went to the ER I prayed that this miscarriage would go swiftly...in some ways it did, but in others it was dragged out. The technician performing my ultrasound was taken off guard. He turned the screen to me and showed me that my baby was moving through my uterus. I got to see my baby leaving me. What an amazing opportunity and a sad one as well. I wonder when that baby officially died, because halfway through my uterus the heart was still flickering away.
That night I had some really bad contractions. Our new apartment didn't have working heat and I was shivering through each of the contractions. I tried to sleep on the couch...but in the end I stayed awake all night with the pain and cold. I contracted for 36 hours, a lot more than when I lost my first baby (contracted for only 3 hours).
During my miscarriage I had people coming to the door and I knew I looked awful. They now know what I was going through at the time, but I wish I had ignored the door because it was a distraction I didn't want. Because our heat wasn't working our landlords had someone come by to fix the heat. I remember sitting in the room in a lot of pain and not being able to run to the bathroom to pass clots because of the worker coming and going.
It was also conference Sunday when I was miscarrying. I had the conference on TV, but I didn't listen or watch. A friend came over and kept me company. Once again, I am so thankful for friends who didn't leave me in my deepest time of need.
On Monday (October 7th) I went to the ER once again, this time because I knew something was wrong. The only good that came out of the trip was another ultrasound, but this one showed my empty womb. The ER doctor did nothing for my concern. I felt things were stuck in my cervix...he didn't even check my cervix. What a crappy doctor...one of many.
The following day I went to my OBGYN. I was beginning to get tired of nurses saying "I'm so sorry." I told the nurse it was fine, and I really was, but all she said was "no, it isn't fine." I know she was trying to be concerned and nice, but what I needed at that appointment was to be straight-talked to because if one more person expressed their condolences I was going to cry in front of everyone.
I told my doctor that I felt like the miscarriage wasn't over because I felt material stuck in my cervix and it was painful and uncomfortable. It wouldn't pass on it's own like a lot of the other material. He checked my cervix and told me it was clogged with clots and tissue. He had the nurse run to get tools. She was very slow and kept getting the wrong tools. She ended up going in and out of the room while the doctor had me exposed for all the world to see through that whole procedure. Ugh. I hate doctors and nurses.
The doctor began taking pieces out of my cervix. He warned me that I would begin to feel the miscarriage start up again. I did. At one point he expressed how impresssed he was that I wasn't crying because what he was doing was painful. The nurse had brought me tissues before he began. I didn't use them. In truth I wanted to cry because it hurt and I was sad, but when he said he was impressed I made a mental note not to cry. I began to bleed again quickly afterward. The contractions began again as well. I saw the many pieces of clots and tissue he had pulled out of my open cervix. The words the doctor said to me afterwards still ring in my head--"you have had two pregnancies and no living children? Bummer, better luck next time." I cancelled my early ultrasound I had scheduled weeks ago at the front desk. That ultrasound would have occurred just 2 days later if I hadn't lost the baby. There were so many large pregnant ladies in the office. It feels like a walk of failure and shame when you cancel your future appointments and leave completely empty inside. I walked out of the office and cried. I lost track of all the hours I contracted.
I was very numb through this whole miscarriage. I remember thinking that I was now a professional at losing babies. I never would wish that feeling on anyone. Our new dogs would later become great comforts, but through the miscarriage they were nuisances. They would jump on my abdomen and increase my pain. We had to get pet sitters since they would whine while we were away. We had gotten them less than a week before my miscarriage. I am grateful for our pet sitters. Luckily, our dogs have been cured of their separation anxiety.
I didn't have time to come to terms with this loss until late in November. So much happened throughout October and November. Our life was spiraling out of control. I kept thinking things couldn't get worse, but then they would. People kept asking why I wasn't over the second baby, but I didn't feel like explaining the problems I was having with my health, apartment, dogs, family, and friends. Looking back I still completely understand why I was so depressed and lonely. But that is all for another post.
No comments:
Post a Comment