My emotions were rampant...I was happy, but unsure. In fact, my journal entry says "with the past loss, I am scared for this new baby. I am already ecstatic about being a mother again. I love this baby. It's so difficult for me not to think about how wonderful a child will be."
Daniel gave me a blessing which reassured me everything would be alright and that I would "have and carry the baby." He also said I have gone through a devastating trial "but at this time it (the trial) is not required of us." I took the blessing to mean that I would go full term and have my baby.
After losing this particular baby we struggled with the meaning of the blessing. I have prayed about both my babies. I believe my first baby is waiting for me. My second baby I have never received strong revelation on, but I feel he/she might have another chance to join our family on earth. I truly believe Baby #2 was supposed to be with our family this May if it weren't for neglectful doctors.
I also realized months later that this trial was extremely different than when I lost the first baby. With the first I had to struggle with the typical depression, facing family when I felt like a failure, and not knowing what the future held.
This past loss I had in October 2013 I had many more trials. I had much more to learn. I faced debilitating depression, anger, jealousy, loneliness, and so much more. I had changed drastically as a person; I didn't even recognize myself, and not in a good way. The pain and sense of loss when so many others around me were announcing and finding out the gender of their individual babies when I will never know those milestones with either of my babies was extreme. I learned a lot about faith, prayer, and the atonement, but at the same time I was facing problems I never had to deal with previously.
Blessings don't always mean what you think they mean. I knew this before I lost the baby, but now that lesson has been drilled home. I had to struggle understanding faith. God doesn't lie. “My word … shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same” (D&C 1:38).
When the blessing said I will have the baby...it means that I will have the baby, just not when I wanted. When the blessing said I didn't have to go through the trial again, I thought it meant I wouldn't miscarry again. I didn't realize my second miscarriage would leave me facing deeper trials that I didn't have to deal with the first time around.
I have also learned to ask for strength and for my righteous desires to come in Heavenly Father's time. When I pray I now humbly acknowledge that I am not in control, and when it comes to pregnancy I have to let go and trust the Lord to know what is in my best interest. It is hard to acknowledge those things because in my heart I want my babies, every one of them. At the same time, I know God only gives me trials and experiences to allow me to grow and become an amazingly strong woman for my future children and my dearest husband.
In some ways it is comforting to let God take control of my pregnancies. Leaving the outcome to God is also scary, but that is where I have relied heavily on faith. I know I will not be forsaken by our loving Father in Heaven, and really, that is all I need to know.
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