Opposition in all things

 2 Nephi 2:27 Verse 11 For it must needs be, that there is an ^aopposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.

I think the hardest part for me lately has been thinking about the milestones I will never reach with my angels. I won't feel them move, I won't get big and round, I won't know the genders, I won't see them bouncing around on ultrasound, and I won't give full term birth to them.

Granted with this rainbow pregnancy I have already felt the baby move many times. This little one is a jumper for sure. I haven't had a real ultrasound since the early scan to see if this baby was healthy at 7 weeks, but I have gotten two quick ultrasounds to check for heartbeat and on those ultrasounds I saw a growing baby wiggling around. I am most eager and anxious for my anatomy scan, but they aren't even going to do that until 24 weeks. Most people get it done around 18-20 weeks. I feel a little ripped off that I have to wait so long. The silly and also completely understandable thing is I feel like it is so far in the future and if I lose this baby that is one more thing I didn't get to experience with this baby. The gender scan is in a week and I am very excited for it. I hope this little one cooperates! I'll be almost 18 weeks at that scan. 

I think of my angels everyday. I know I have been told to get over them, but how do you just forget your children? At least once a week I shed a tear for each of them and I pray that this current pregnancy does not turn from happiness to grief like the previous ones.

I have a feeling we chose our trials before we came to earth--after all this whole earthly experience is about using our agency to prove that we are worthy to come back to our Heavenly Father's presence. So why wouldn't we choose our trials? And why did I pick something so horrid and difficult?! A couple things come to mind: one, I am a person who loves challenges and two, it would bring me closer to God while understanding the loneliness, pain, heartbreak, bitterness, jealousy, and emptiness that comes with child loss. I honestly put this trial (and infertility in general) as one of the top on the hardest trials on this earth list. So if you are going through something like this then you are one tough and courageous mama. I don't think that is said enough these days how strong you are for going through pain the world doesn't understand and even readily diminishes. You are strong to keep trying month after month. My hat is off to you.

As May, June, and July approach I get sadder and sadder. May--the month I was due with our second angel and a Mother's Day where the world won't recognize me as a true mother. June--the month so many people I know are due which will be salt in my wounds even though I am happy for them along with Father's Day where my wonderful spouse won't be recognized as a true father. July--the first angelversary of our first baby. I know everything should be easier now that I am once again expecting in September, but no, in fact in some ways I still just get mad. It should be me holding a nearly 2 month old in my arms! Or it should be me getting ready to welcome a baby into our home in May! Instead, I have to wait while I watch so many others get what I wish was still mine. I know all this sounds selfish and angry. It's just a phase. I just wish those months would come and go quickly and I could just hide from the world. My baby due in September isn't even guaranteed a safe journey. I think that is why I have these feelings even though I am once again pregnant. It's just sadness and fear. I don't always feel this way, but the feelings are getting more painful as these dates are approaching. I still can't hold babies without tearing up. It doesn't help that I have vivid dreams every night that I am having a late miscarriage or pre-term birth. I get tired of seeing my baby so helpless in my dreams.

The only solace I get is the knowledge that I would not have this current pregnancy if I hadn't lost the others. It is solace enough because I love this baby so dearly. I loved them all, but I need this baby to make it. It is the baby that has brought me so much faith, hope, comfort, happiness, and peace. Daniel gave me a priesthood blessing when I first found out we were once again expecting. In that blessing I was told that Heavenly Father wants my happiness and that it would come soon. This child is my happiness and this child is coming. Sometimes I wish I could let people who don't understand child loss feel how deep the depths of despair can be, but how amazingly high hope and love can be as well. Opposition in all things is a cruel but also amazing concept. I wish people could truly understand without going through trials, but that is not how we learn.