Facing family after losing baby #1

With the first loss I was sad, even depressed for a while, but I knew that miscarriages happen. I really thought my rainbow would come whenever I would get pregnant again. This is what allowed me to heal fairly quickly after the first loss compared to my second, but I still was hit with the typical depression women can get after they have a baby. For me, when my hormones decreased I was out of whack, but I didn't get to hold my baby. I believe the time between the miscarriage and your first period is the most depressing. This is because your hormones are balancing out and you want your period to know your body is back to normal.

During the wait for my period I went to see family in Washington. Before we left I was sad, but I was fine. During the trip to Washington I hit rock bottom. It was probably the combination of the miscarriage hitting home and the fact I had to be around family. I just spiraled down into my own little hell for that weekend. After Washington I bounced back again, slowly, but I healed.

In some ways Daniel and I felt forced to go to Washington--we weren't pregnant anymore and therefore the worry of miscarriage was over, and we knew this was our chance to see the nieces and nephews. I know we weren't forced, but we felt like we had to get over our loss and join the rest of the family.

We stayed in the new house alone. This was a huge blessing because it allowed me to be private with my husband. Every time we were alone I would cry for an hour until I got the strength to face family again.

It was especially difficult feeling like I was the elephant in the room. I secretly wanted someone to talk to me about what I had gone through, but I have learned that this family can be a bit fluffy (which is a big pet peeve of mine, I believe in being real and not pretending certain problems don't exist).

One person tried to talk to me in private, but butchered her words and made me hurt more. I know she meant well and I recognize that now, but back then I was too depressed to try to understand. I actually did want to talk to her, but the timing was always off.

There was a couple in the family who said some hurtful things to us when we told them we were pregnant with our first baby. They said it jokingly, but Daniel and I could tell that it was more than a joke. They made it feel like getting pregnant and having a baby was a competition. It felt like they tainted that baby with jealousy, bitterness, and competition instead of being happy and full of love.

The trip to Washington was too soon for me to talk to this couple even though they tried inviting us out to lunch when everyone else was at the amusement park. They assumed we didn't like amusement parks because we weren't going to spend all day with the kids. I actually LOVE amusement parks, but the truth was I was bleeding and had the very small possibility that I could be pregnant again. Because I was bleeding I decided swimming wasn't an option and because pregnancy was once again an option I chose to stay off rides. I only went to the amusement park to be with the kids even though I know I let them down because I didn't go on many of the rides.

I was treated slightly different by one of the nieces as well. I wasn't able to attend her baptism because of the miscarriage and she seemed to ignore me. It hurt so bad because I love this little girl so very much. I was saddened that I let her down. The day before we left Washington she came up to me and said that she heard about what happened to my baby. I didn't know how to respond to this other than telling her that we miss the baby very much. After she confronted me she finally loosened up and talked to me once again. I wish I had known that she wanted to bring it up but didn't know how, because then I would have told her it was okay from the start. She was oddly braver than many of the adults.

Daniel's mom and one of his sisters were the Godsend on that trip. In private I could talk to them. Daniel's sister is a beautiful soul and told me it was okay if it hurt to see her new child (who would be about a year older than my child would have been if we didn't lose him). She understood. It did hurt me when I saw her child, but the fact that she understood my hurt and wasn't offended made the trip worthwhile.

My birthday was the worst. We did a family sealing session since Daniel's dad is a sealer. I was excited for this, but also dreaded it because I was such a mess. I was worried I would spontaneously start crying any moment-- after all we were sealing families for time and eternity and there is no doctrine on whether I will be with my angel baby again.

It turned out to be a great part of my birthday. I love the temple so much; however, before we left the temple I used the bathroom and found that I was bleeding again. It wasn't my period, it was still too early (I wouldn't get it for another 2 weeks). This made my birthday very difficult to handle because the cramping was getting worse and suddenly I was bleeding again. I wondered if I had an infection. (I learned much much later that it could have been my body ovulating. Some women bleed and cramp when they ovulate. This is my new norm after the miscarriages.)

On my birthday everyone threw me a surprise party. Normally I would be happy, but being a very introverted person who was entering a state of depression, I was not happy. In fact, that whole party I consistently held back tears. One of the worse parts was when I overheard someone tell a child "No, Sarah is not a mom yet." I understand answering a child's question, but I hadn't heard the question so the answer I would have preferred would be "No, not yet." If I had heard that, I would have assumed the kid wanted something and had to wait for it. Instead I got that electric shock through my body...that wonderful reminder of all I had lost.

Family pictures were taken on my birthday. Daniel and I were the last to get them done and the whole time I was praying that I could just make it through. I hate those pictures because all I see is that stupid fake smile I have on my face and the reminder that I was no longer pregnant. That picture is a reminder of all that I have lost. No one saw Daniel and I getting our pictures taken and the photographer commented how easy it was taking pictures of a couple with no kids and went on to say to us "stay a family of two."

Okay, I do know she was joking, that's in her nature. I also know she didn't know that I was recovering from a lost pregnancy. So I forgave her the moment it happened, but the hurt remained. After holding in my tears that whole day, I finally burst and Daniel shielded me from the family and guided me to the golf course path. We walked and I cried. Daniel held me. I wanted the day to be over. I had to cut the tears short because everyone was waiting to cut the cake. I had to blow out the candles because I was the center of attention.

This all makes it sound like I hate family, but I really don't. I was just not ready to see anyone. I felt like a failure. I know everyone meant well. I know they were trying to cheer me up and make me smile. I don't fault anyone from the pain I chose to experience. None of the pain was their fault. It was just bad timing that the events of my miscarriage would hit me during that trip. Daniel was able to come to terms with the loss the week it happened, but I was in denial and shock. By the time we visited family my life came crumbling down because that was the moment my mind chose to remember and realize what I had lost.

I am grateful for my loving family, and I am sorry that I hurt so much during that trip. I wish I could have handled comments and being around everyone better.  I am thankful for their thoughtfulness in throwing me a surprise party. I love them all very much, even if I don't show it.