39 Week Update

Looks like all these contractions that I have been having are actually doing something...yay. But that doesn't mean much to me. I have been having consistent contractions all day long for...I have lost count on how many weeks. By night they calm down for the most part (or I am just too tired to care about them). There was one time this week I woke up from strong contractions thinking "I should go back to bed and rest because by morning I may need to eat and head out to the hospital." Obviously they calmed down enough by morning. I would have loved to have had this baby on the 5th like it looked like was going to happen. Nathaniel is keeping us on our toes. Part of me wishes I was the woman to have regular contractions one day and then have the baby the next with no other major signs of labor. Fluffy pregnancies? I have been keeping busy with random errands and things to do so I am not thinking too much about anything.

I am sure Nathan will come when he is good and ready and he does not have an eviction notice. I hate those stupid posts about wanting the pregnancy over because they are so uncomfortable. It isn't fair to all those who yearn to be pregnant with all their might but for whatever painful circumstance are unable to get or stay pregnant for that long. Yes, pregnancy is uncomfortable and painful at times but it is a huge blessing. If I did choose one thing to complain about, it would be my acid reflux. I have had it since halfway and always forgot to mention it to my doctor. I remembered at my last appointment a couple days ago but decided not to ask for help with it because this baby is coming no matter what in 2 weeks (and I hate medications). My reflux isn't on the normal scale, it is so bad I can't sleep, eat, drink, or even cough without throwing up. It doesn't matter what I eat or how much I eat. It doesn't matter if I am sitting or lying down. At night I wake up gagging on vomit. But even with this horrible reflux, I am so happy for Nathan and for finally being blessed with a child that made it to term and will be arriving very soon. I have loved every moment of this pregnancy with him--the bad and the good. I am going to miss it, but I will have a squirming baby to nurture on the outside very soon and that is thrilling to me.

My thoughts on labor? Not worried about it. Sometimes I sit and think "shouldn't I be scared?" but no, I am not. I am excited! Sure, labor isn't going to be the most comfortable thing I have gone through, but I experienced mini labors with both my miscarriages and though I know full term labor won't be the same, I do know that I will have joy at the end and not despair waiting for me. That is what will keep me going. After all, Christ suffered for our sins in the Garden and on the cross, this is one of many sacrifices I will do for each of my kids. The pain, discomfort, pressure...all of it will only be for a moment in time, but my joy will be endless. Why should I fear labor? I have felt throughout this whole pregnancy that Nathan was different, that he is going to make it here safely. I feel as if this pregnancy and the labor/delivery will be guided and protected. I will have Daniel and my doula by my side for support and eventually I will be handed my son.

Daniel and I are stoked to meet Nathan. For now though, we are spending as much time as possible together, just the two of us because we know that this is finally it, we will soon be 3 on earth and 5 including our children waiting for us.

38 Week Update

This pregnancy is coming to an end. For me I feel like it is about time, but not in the same way people who are blessed to never have losses feel. I am not sitting here sick of pregnancy or wanting it over because I am "so uncomfortable". In fact, I have enjoyed this pregnancy and I am saddened to see it go even though I had random little problems throughout it all.

I will miss feeling Nathan on the inside. This pregnancy has given me a re-found hope in my body. After my losses I was worried I would never carry a child to term. Now I will be holding a baby anytime. I am excited to regain my body back as much as I can even though I plan on breastfeeding (so Nathan will still have a claim). The reason I feel like this pregnancy has gone on forever is because in a way it has. I have been pregnant for over a year with my three pregnancies together. If I count in the time in between each pregnancy where I suffered through deep sadness, wondering if I will ever have a child on this earth, then I have waited well over a year and a half for this baby. This is not counting the time we chose to wait to try for kids because of my field course getting in the way even though we longed for kids for years before Nathan. So I have waited. I am ready. I want Nathan to come as soon as he is ready.

I have officially gone off my aspirin therapy as of a couple days ago. It makes me worry a little, but not too much. Contractions have picked up even more, but now they are very much welcomed. Earlier this week we thought the baby might come soon since I was having contractions every 4 minutes for 9 hours before they settled down. But it just shows that Nathan is getting ready and my body is practicing and getting into gear. We wanted an August baby, but it looks like it isn't going to happen. I am not really a fan of September birthdays. There are just too many of them. I am sure Nathan will change my mind on my feelings about September birthdays.

My blood pressure has regulated. I am really happy about this because I don't want to be induced if it can be helped. Of course my blood pressure can spike anytime, but it has been nice not worrying about it at the moment. I am hoping for a smooth next few weeks.

36 Week Update

One-ish more month to go! I can't wait to meet Nathan! Nothing is terribly new symptom wise. Just lots of BH and blood pressure issues (headaches and swelling). We are pretty much ready for our boy to arrive. We mostly just need to stock up on more diapers and that is it (size 1 diapers). We meet with our doula again tomorrow (Tuesday the 19th) and I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday morning.

I got the Tdap shot and the next day I ran a high fever that eventually calmed down, but we missed a cousin's sealing and reception. We wanted to go, but I was monitoring my temperature just in case it got worse or stayed high. Daniel decided to stay home with me and keep me company since I felt absolutely miserable.

This past week Daniel graduated from BYU (he has 9 credits to finish, but seeing as he already has a full time position waiting for him he is not looking forward to more school at the moment). He has worked so hard these past years. I have witnessed the long hours into the night, the stressful moments, and his struggles with some teachers and group mates. But it is almost over!

This semester will be his hardest even though he is taking 9 credits. I kind of snort when people hear he only has 9 credits and they say something along the line of "oh, that will be an easy semester!" Yes, 9 credits isn't full time, but those 9 credits are all credits directly related to his field which means hard, time consuming classes. And not just that, but it won't be a normal semester of just working at school and putting hours in at work. It will be a semester of a brand new baby (which Daniel won't be able to take school off and only a week (if that) from work). He will also have to work extra hard to keep our income flowing for our move and the baby. And on top of this we are moving far out of state which requires lots of detailed (and worrisome) planning for the winter move (along with the financial stress of getting a new car, eeek). I already worry for his sanity, and mine. I wish with all my heart he could take time off school and work for just a week without feeling behind so that he can bond with the baby we have struggled to have. Our only solace is the fact we will have a normalized life once we settle into our new Wisconsin home. 4-5 more months and life will be as normal as we can get it. We are so looking forward to a steady income and no more school (for now). We just ask for continued prayers and positive thoughts as we face these huge life transitioning times all at once.

I know some people think we are crazy, but these events are all necessary and unfortunately (and fortunately) they are all happening at the same time. Daniel and I do feel incredibly blessed that he is finishing and he has a job. We feel blessed for our child and know that he is coming at the perfect time for us even if life will be hectic for a little while. We know we will be just fine, maybe a little battered and bruised, but we will be stronger people for developing through these upcoming trials.

This past weekend Daniel's wonderful parents came to town to celebrate in graduation festivities. We had a great time! I absolutely love his parents! They take such good care of us. We went out to eat, they bought us groceries (thank you so much), we were artistic at 'Color Me Mine' and we went to the renovated Ogden Temple open house (where they were sealed and Daniel's dad received his endowments). It was a memorable visit. I didn't want them to leave. Now I am exhausted from being out on my feet for that long, but it was well worth it!!

I do wish we could live closer to them at times, especially once Nathan is born. I feel sad that Nathan won't have much time with his aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents out in Washington. Next year will be hectic only because we will be figuring out our budget and Daniel doesn't know when or how much time off he will get for that summer. Worst case scenario, I plan on coming out for at least a week with Nathan while Daniel stays home (preferably overlapping with Fletcher time). We will make it work and at least we aren't working around two work and school schedules like previous years. It should be easier to plan and stay longer, right!? Also, I may be a little selfish, but once Daniel gets some vacation time next year, we will want to use it spending time together with Nathan seeing as we haven't had a break due to school, work, and baby problems since we were married (nearly 4 years). With the emotional stress from the miscarriages we really need time to bond as husband and wife away from the world in a positive environment. We need to get out for a couple days and make memories outside the rut of everyday living. Maybe we will drop Nathan off at the grandparents and do a mini trip...or we will take Nathan with us (the more the merrier).

Anyways, that is enough rambling from me.

34 Week Update

This past weekend Daniel helped me get most of the baby stuff in order. All we have to do now is prep our cloth diapers, but Nathan may not be able to use those right away. We have disposables in the meantime. Daniel also helped me pack for the hospital including a bag for us and Nathan. We are ready to go whenever Nathaniel is ready for his debut! There are still little things we want, but we are in pretty good shape. My wonderful husband also packed a bunch of the back room! It was such a productive weekend and it was one of the best birthday presents for me since I can't do much even though all the chores taunt me every day. Now I can relax a bit knowing I don't have to get everything done on my own resulting in a wave of contractions for hours. Other than my birthday in the Henry Mountains participating in field work, this was my favorite birthday thus far being married to Daniel. He made it so special.

I have been having more back pain, but mostly upper back pain. My hands are suffering from carpal tunnel, but I have had that pretty much since I worked at an ice cream place called Independent Dairy when I was 16 (it's just a little flared up due to pregnancy). I can definitely tell the baby is running out of room because my whole belly moves as he moves (and it isn't always the most comfortable). I am still having problems with too many contractions, but I am having no other sign of preterm labor so I am just hydrating and resting as much as I can. Headaches and swelling are beginning to become a problem but are not severe. I will talk to my doctor about that tomorrow at my early morning doctor appointment.

I can't believe that he could come at any time (preferably closer to term though)! Every day he is inside cooking is a blessing to me. I am so grateful he moves a lot to reassure me everything will be alright.

As time slowly moves towards D-day, I have turned my mind to our meeting of Nathan. I know it is going to be a very spiritual and uplifting moment and I am so excited for it! I also have a feeling it will be bittersweet as I think of those children waiting for me. I know they are rooting for their little brother to come safely.

32 Week Update

When I was almost 31 weeks I had a mini hospital visit for bleeding and contractions. They have no idea why I was bleeding (it has since stopped) and just told me to hydrate and rest for contractions (duh, like I didn't know that and do that already). Even with hydrating even more than I do and resting more than I do, I could not get the contractions down to a normal level until almost a week later. Now I am afraid I am going to type this and have way too many again as if I am jinxing myself. I know some practice contractions are normal and even a good sign at this point as the uterus get ready, but I was having some real contractions and too many in an hour. I am just glad this baby seems to be sticking around and if I were to go into preterm labor he would have a very good fighting chance...though he has been breech so preterm labor (if they couldn't stop it) would possibly mean a c-section. Let's not think about this. Just send prayers my way that Nathan will turn and stay turned when the time comes because I already have had trouble keeping a baby, I don't need the limitations c-sections create for future childbearing (though a c-section is MUCH more preferable than the death of my child).

Happier news. A day after the hospital visit (which was the same day we lost our first baby, yay for bad timing) we had my baby shower. I had a great time and I am so grateful for everything we received as well as the love we have been showed. I saw a lot of people I have been wanting to talk to for ages!

Yesterday we went to the scera outdoor theater in Orem, Utah for some Les Mis action. A friend and her husband gave us the tickets and even though I was worried I wouldn't enjoy it due to the fact it was outside and sitting on a hill while very pregnant, I had a great time. I did have some bad back pain and I was uncomfortable, but the performance beyond met my expectations and succeeded in putting all the songs in my head. I thought the performers sung much better than the movie version released not too long ago (which is not hard to do). Daniel and I really needed a night away to do something fun and this was perfect.

I can still wear my rings (though I choose not to most of the time now because the heat swells me up). My belly button is steadily becoming an outie. Daniel likes teasing me about it. I did not escape stretch marks, but these are genetic so I can just blame my genes and in turn pass those on to any daughters I am blessed to have in the future (hehehe). I know it may sound weird, but I actually like the stretch marks (minus the itching). For me, they are proof that my body carried a baby this far and they are proof to me that Nathan is growing really fast now!!!

I already mentioned back pain...which can get pretty bad if I am sitting up too long, but I am trying to stay in forward leaning positions when relaxing to help the baby to turn. My weight gain has been normal. My net weight gain has been about 13 pounds (from starting weight) and if you include the weight gained after I lost some due to morning sickness, then I have gained 23 pounds. I wish I hadn't gained those 10 pounds I lost back so quickly! I went from not being able to eat one thing, to being put on meds and once on the medication I didn't realize that I was eating normally again until I saw how quickly I was gaining weight. That was the perfect time to start eating a healthier diet again and not just things that sounded like they would stay down. Oh, I have nasty acid reflux thanks to my wonderful growing Nathaniel. I can not tell you how many times I have woken up with vomit in my mouth (and yes, I do eat small meals and wait a while after a meal before I go to bed). So far, my feet and hands are not swollen. I am hoping to escape pre-eclampsia. My feet do look like man, but they aren't swollen (unless active outside all day).

We still have lots of stuff to do before the baby comes, which includes packing up our other bedroom so that when the baby comes we don't have to tackle that room when we pack to move (let's see if this actually gets done or if I am just wishfully dreaming). I need to groom the dogs one last time before Nathan's arrival so that the next time they need a hair cut is in October and hopefully I will feel up to doing it then to save us more money. Very high maintenance dogs! Then, of course we need to clean the house and wash baby items along with buying the remainder of the things we need for him. I also need to start thinking about packing the hospital and baby bag for the big day! I really hope I will be given the opportunity to have a natural birth (turn baby).

That's probably about it.

Angelversary of Baby #1

This morning I woke up and the first thing that came to my mind was "today was the day we sent our first baby to heaven." I briefly mentioned it to Daniel before he left for work and a sad look crossed his face and he replied "I know." I have been looking back at the events of a year ago and I mostly regret two things: I wish I had taken a picture of my tiny, but perfect child and I wish I hadn't been flustered at the doctor's office and taken my dead baby home to be buried somewhere, anywhere, other than thrown into medical waste.

I know most people these days just believe my baby was just a bundle of cells. If I lost Nathan right now they would still tell me he wasn't my child because he didn't take a breath of air. But nope, Nathan is a grown child. If he were to come today he would most likely survive. Our first baby, though earlier in the developmental stage, was just as alive, though extremely fragile. He was a human being with potential, just not ready to live outside the womb. I hate how this world views pregnancy. I could go on and on about how much I hate abortion and don't believe it should be legal (expect for very strenuous circumstances), but I don't want to debate about it because I know those so steadfast with the ideals of the world will not change. It's just the world we live in and why should I waste my breath unless I feel they are mold able and willing to reassess and learn. That being said, I do know that many who end up going the abortion route live with that regret the rest of their lives and to them I just want to hug and cry with because they know the loss of a child as well. Just because people make bad decisions does not mean they cannot have that child later in life if they take advantage of the Atonement. But that is a conversation for another time...a really deep conversation that Daniel and I had while eating at Red Robin a few weeks ago. I know my babies are mine to keep through revelation and that is the only way anyone can find out for themselves. (whew...didn't mean to start talking about this).

I wish I had some kind of proof other than records at a hospital or doctor's office that my first and second baby existed. I have things I bought for the first baby that are still packed away. I honestly don't want to see them until a much later date, but anyone looking at those things would think I bought them for Nathan. I once had pregnancy tests that I kept in a secure place (mostly proof to me while I was pregnant for the first weeks and still in the "I can't believe this is happening" mode), but I stumbled upon them a month after losing our first and threw them out.

If only I had taken a picture of my baby. I know it sounds gross, but I would never show it to the world. It would be that ounce of proof to me. All I have is a very clear memory of that sac and a small beautiful child inside. All I have is the feeling of how much it was all over as I looked at my baby and then realized my doctor wanted to see it the next day so I put him in a plastic bag and put him out of sight until the next morning. I still remember the doctor saying that everything was fine and I could still be pregnant at my appointment until I shook my head and passed him my baby which he promptly began to push and squash in the plastic bag before throwing him out. The night I lost my baby it was very hard not to think of the ultrasound I had the day before showing that my baby was still alive. I had seen my baby's flickering heartbeat twice (once a week before the loss, and the other 24 hours before the loss). It was comforting, but difficult having the knowledge my baby was alive just 24 hours before the contractions started.

Being just a couple months away from meeting Nathan does make this day easier, but it also makes it harder in other ways. Nathan has recently gone through another of many growth spurts yesterday and the day before which I can tell have left him tired so he has been moving around, just tinier movements. This morning Daniel gave Nathan what we like to call a "heart to heart" (we have many of those with Shadow). Daniel told Nathan that today is a hard day for us and that Nathan should know this already since the veil is so thin for him. Daniel told him not to make me worry and gave Nathan orders to move around lots today to keep me happy. He also told Nathan that I will most likely help by eating sugary things like ice cream haha. The moment Daniel left for work, this baby immediately moved more than he has ever (which he moves a LOT normally). I am grateful that I have Nathan and so very grateful I have Daniel. Even though I miss my other babies, I have been given personal revelation that I will raise them. They are waiting for me. I am a mother to three, though only one of those three will be raised on this earth at this time. I guess this is my ultimate test of patience because I can't wait to meet them.

Lots of Random Ramblings

Busy, busy, busy! That is what June and this week are all about. Yes, I stay home all day, but in the evenings we are busy running errands, taking classes, meeting with people, and just a lot of overwhelming stuff.

This week is particularly busy for Daniel. He has recently taken on another job (working BYU security) along with his full time internship at Wavetronix. This week he is clocking nearly 30 hours for the security job along with his 40 hours of his internship. This won't be the norm because not every week is Independence week. He is working Stadium of Fire and this also does not just involve the actual event, but working security the week of the event to make sure hooligans aren't getting in the way! Other weeks should be much more settled down and we are looking forward to the calmer times. I am just so grateful for how dedicated he is to help our family. I am grateful that I have a motivated husband who is willing to do all he can so that Nathan and I will not struggle in the future. So even though I am saddened that I will not see him much this week (except for our 10 minute hustle to find and get his uniform on for a last minute shift) I am still extremely happy for his dedication.

I am also happy he is busy because July is a month of sad one year anniversaries for us. Tomorrow (July 3, 2013) was the day I started bleeding in my first pregnancy. We had an emergency ultrasound and discovered our baby was just fine, just measuring a little smaller, but not small enough for doctors to be terribly concerned. Though I know my cycles are clockwork and had a bad feeling. We ended up cancelling our trip to Boston last year because of our 50% chance to miscarry. July 10th was the day I held my first baby in my hands. He was so tiny, but perfect to me. It was the day I learned that emotional pain could be just as severe as physical pain. I never cried so hard in my life. I can't believe it has been a year. Time has gone by so quickly and I feel like my life has just been wasting away.

I was originally going to apply for grad school at BYU and start this September 2014. But after the second miscarriage I lost all motivation to take the GRE and fill out applications. I originally thought Daniel and I were going to stay in Utah for years and settle down...but I guess God has different plans for us. If we hadn't lost our two babies then Daniel would have never been able to accept a job in Wisconsin because I would have begun grad work in Utah. Amazing how things turn out. Though I am sad my education is put on hold for a while. I probably won't do grad work until we are done having kids, but that isn't bad. I will just be a 30+ old PhD candidate and that is completely fine. I would love to do research at an university and be home in time for when the kids come home from school. I do want to stay home with the kids until the youngest is old enough for elementary school (bonding and no paying for day care). I guess I am learning a lot about family sacrifices this year. I am, once again, just grateful that Daniel is a hard worker and doesn't need to get more education to get a decent job (Geology is quite different if you have a family or don't want to work a ridiculous grunt job).

On a happier note, Nathan has been wonderful as always. The pregnant belly is getting bigger everyday, but I am barrel shaped so I am not popping out all in front, but I am on the sides (goodbye waist). He turned breech, but he still has a while to turn back (fingers crossed he doesn't get too comfortable and never turns). I have a lot of things I can do to encourage him to flip so I am not too worried yet. My belly button is still in but looks funky. I can still wear my rings unless if I am out in the heat for too long. I didn't get any stretch marks until a couple weeks ago, but they are just my love scars or my tiger stripes (as Daniel fondly calls them). The baby is growing so quickly these days so I would have been surprised if I never got a stretch mark. Now that I am taking iron supplements I am feeling more energetic and even sleeping better because my restless leg syndrome is not as bad. That's about all I have to ramble about right now.