This morning I woke up and the first thing that came to my mind was "today was the day we sent our first baby to heaven." I briefly mentioned it to Daniel before he left for work and a sad look crossed his face and he replied "I know." I have been looking back at the events of a year ago and I mostly regret two things: I wish I had taken a picture of my tiny, but perfect child and I wish I hadn't been flustered at the doctor's office and taken my dead baby home to be buried somewhere, anywhere, other than thrown into medical waste.
I know most people these days just believe my baby was just a bundle of cells. If I lost Nathan right now they would still tell me he wasn't my child because he didn't take a breath of air. But nope, Nathan is a grown child. If he were to come today he would most likely survive. Our first baby, though earlier in the developmental stage, was just as alive, though extremely fragile. He was a human being with potential, just not ready to live outside the womb. I hate how this world views pregnancy. I could go on and on about how much I hate abortion and don't believe it should be legal (expect for very strenuous circumstances), but I don't want to debate about it because I know those so steadfast with the ideals of the world will not change. It's just the world we live in and why should I waste my breath unless I feel they are mold able and willing to reassess and learn. That being said, I do know that many who end up going the abortion route live with that regret the rest of their lives and to them I just want to hug and cry with because they know the loss of a child as well. Just because people make bad decisions does not mean they cannot have that child later in life if they take advantage of the Atonement. But that is a conversation for another time...a really deep conversation that Daniel and I had while eating at Red Robin a few weeks ago. I know my babies are mine to keep through revelation and that is the only way anyone can find out for themselves. (whew...didn't mean to start talking about this).
I wish I had some kind of proof other than records at a hospital or doctor's office that my first and second baby existed. I have things I bought for the first baby that are still packed away. I honestly don't want to see them until a much later date, but anyone looking at those things would think I bought them for Nathan. I once had pregnancy tests that I kept in a secure place (mostly proof to me while I was pregnant for the first weeks and still in the "I can't believe this is happening" mode), but I stumbled upon them a month after losing our first and threw them out.
If only I had taken a picture of my baby. I know it sounds gross, but I would never show it to the world. It would be that ounce of proof to me. All I have is a very clear memory of that sac and a small beautiful child inside. All I have is the feeling of how much it was all over as I looked at my baby and then realized my doctor wanted to see it the next day so I put him in a plastic bag and put him out of sight until the next morning. I still remember the doctor saying that everything was fine and I could still be pregnant at my appointment until I shook my head and passed him my baby which he promptly began to push and squash in the plastic bag before throwing him out. The night I lost my baby it was very hard not to think of the ultrasound I had the day before showing that my baby was still alive. I had seen my baby's flickering heartbeat twice (once a week before the loss, and the other 24 hours before the loss). It was comforting, but difficult having the knowledge my baby was alive just 24 hours before the contractions started.
Being just a couple months away from meeting Nathan does make this day easier, but it also makes it harder in other ways. Nathan has recently gone through another of many growth spurts yesterday and the day before which I can tell have left him tired so he has been moving around, just tinier movements. This morning Daniel gave Nathan what we like to call a "heart to heart" (we have many of those with Shadow). Daniel told Nathan that today is a hard day for us and that Nathan should know this already since the veil is so thin for him. Daniel told him not to make me worry and gave Nathan orders to move around lots today to keep me happy. He also told Nathan that I will most likely help by eating sugary things like ice cream haha. The moment Daniel left for work, this baby immediately moved more than he has ever (which he moves a LOT normally). I am grateful that I have Nathan and so very grateful I have Daniel. Even though I miss my other babies, I have been given personal revelation that I will raise them. They are waiting for me. I am a mother to three, though only one of those three will be raised on this earth at this time. I guess this is my ultimate test of patience because I can't wait to meet them.
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