Two more weeks until my major goal of viability (24 weeks)! I have this stupid paranoid feeling that I won't make it to viability and also my anatomy scan on May 27th. It doesn't help that my mind does turn to my second angel more often this month as I would have had the baby already or would be eagerly waiting for that baby...but alas...it wasn't meant to be, and I wouldn't have this beautiful Nathaniel bringing smiles to my face daily without my losses.
Speaking of Nathan, he is a kicker. We call him our "Little Monkey" because he is always moving. Daniel enjoys feeling him kick me and also enjoys my occasional "oomph" when I get the surprise random strong jab. But I love it!
Up till a couple weeks ago I was throwing up all the time, but I think I might finally be seeing the "honeymoon" period people tell me about. I can eat again...and now all I want to do is eat. Time to truly watch what I am eating so the baby can get all the good nutrition he needs. Though all I am craving (yes, finally a craving!) is sugar--cakes, ice cream, yum! I am trying to replace those with fruit, but it isn't the same haha. I had excruciating sciatica, but I can tell the baby moved higher and I can move more freely without wincing. I hope the baby stays off my bladder for a little while longer so I can enjoy being able to better take care of myself while Daniel is away. So all good news! I almost feel normal! Seeing as I have been pregnant for a total of 9 months now off and on for less than a year, I think it is about time to feel good for a bit. yay!
We want to constantly buy things, but until we get a few pay checks from Daniel's new internship to catch up (I feel like after the miscarriages we are always playing the catch up game with finances) we are trying to keep purchases small. Thanks to my mother and sister, I won't have to worry at all about clothes and most likely bottles. I LOVE getting packages from Michigan full of blankets and baby clothes. It makes me feel that Nathan is loved from afar. I am so grateful that my mom is so active in her grand-kids lives before they even make their official debut. Thanks mom, I love you so much! There were many times I wanted to go home and hug my mom and cry after the miscarriages, sometimes I feel so lost going through things that are so difficult without my mom by my side to tell me things will be okay. I am thrilled to move closer to her and my dad in December. In fact, it is looking like I will spend Thanksgiving till almost Christmas with my family this year so they can spend time with Nathan and then we can drive to Wisconsin from there.
Of course, I cannot forget about Margaret, my mother-in-law. I adore her to pieces. Even though I only see her for a short time every year I am excited to be able to travel more next year to see her. I love spending time with her and she always says something to make me feel better about my situation. She and Vaun have helped Daniel and me so much in our time of need and I can't wait to pay her back for years of financial support by being a better daughter to her. I can see the love she has for everyone through her eyes. I am forever grateful for having that kind and wise woman in my life and I am so grateful she raised my wonderful husband to become the support he has been for me. I love you, mom!
I am just full of gratefulness for the love of everyone around me. I have amazing friends and family!
Friday, May 9, 2014
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Remember all Mothers this Sunday
Mother's Day. It's coming up. We see gifts advertised everywhere online and in the store. It's supposed to be a happy day to give thanks for your mother and other mothers as well. I am thankful for my mom. She is wonderful and watches out for me. I feel loved and grateful to be her daughter.
But there are those who feel isolated and left out during this annual event--those who lost their mother early on, those who were abused by their mother, those suffering infertility, and those who had to say goodbye to their children either during pregnancy or shortly after.
So please remember all mothers this year. Remember holidays that emphasize family are important, but can also be hurtful reminders of what people have lost. I am not bitter about Mother's Day at all, I just wish it wasn't so commercialized. I wish it didn't turn into a month long affair of "Come, buy this for your mom even though we just celebrated Easter!" A month long reminder. Then comes Father's Day.
I know a handful of people that I will be thinking about this Mother's Day. It will be those who I know are suffering and wish circumstances were different. If you are reading this and I have been aware of why this day would be hard for you, then you know my mind will turn to you frequently this Sunday.
On a note from my own personal experiences: I truly believe those suffering through infertility (this includes secondary infertility as well) and pregnancy loss are the strongest mothers. This does not mean that those who have never had these problems aren't strong mothers, because they are strong in a different way. They struggle to raise their children and may feel inadequate. They may be working mothers with a desire to see their kids all day because they don't want to miss a second of their precious lives. Those mothers can be ridiculed for having to work and this leads to pain. Or they may have had a traumatizing labor which the world does not understand leading to isolation and guilt. And many mothers suffer through PPD which many in this world don't believe is real, but it is real and life shattering. These mothers are wonderful and strong too.
Those who want more kids and are struggling, or those who just can't get pregnant no matter how many expensive and life altering treatments they undergo, or those who suffer recurrent pregnancy loss are so strong. They have to put a smile on for the world. They have to dream and push forward whether they get results or get pushed down once again. It is truly pain and anguish. Mother's Day is like salt in our wounds because it seems like we live and breathe solely to have a child the world recognizes as a human with rights. I know my life has completely taken a back burner just so I can bring a life into this world, no matter how many tries it takes. And this is why we are strong. We don't give up easily for our righteous desires. We are mothers.
The woman who founded Mother's Day wanted to recognize her mother. Her mother had 7 losses. This knowledge brings peace to me that the mother this day recognized first was an angel mom who struggled to have earthly children.
Happy early Mother's Day to everyone and a special shout out to all those who feel this day of gratitude isolates them. You are loved as well!
But there are those who feel isolated and left out during this annual event--those who lost their mother early on, those who were abused by their mother, those suffering infertility, and those who had to say goodbye to their children either during pregnancy or shortly after.
So please remember all mothers this year. Remember holidays that emphasize family are important, but can also be hurtful reminders of what people have lost. I am not bitter about Mother's Day at all, I just wish it wasn't so commercialized. I wish it didn't turn into a month long affair of "Come, buy this for your mom even though we just celebrated Easter!" A month long reminder. Then comes Father's Day.
I know a handful of people that I will be thinking about this Mother's Day. It will be those who I know are suffering and wish circumstances were different. If you are reading this and I have been aware of why this day would be hard for you, then you know my mind will turn to you frequently this Sunday.
On a note from my own personal experiences: I truly believe those suffering through infertility (this includes secondary infertility as well) and pregnancy loss are the strongest mothers. This does not mean that those who have never had these problems aren't strong mothers, because they are strong in a different way. They struggle to raise their children and may feel inadequate. They may be working mothers with a desire to see their kids all day because they don't want to miss a second of their precious lives. Those mothers can be ridiculed for having to work and this leads to pain. Or they may have had a traumatizing labor which the world does not understand leading to isolation and guilt. And many mothers suffer through PPD which many in this world don't believe is real, but it is real and life shattering. These mothers are wonderful and strong too.
Those who want more kids and are struggling, or those who just can't get pregnant no matter how many expensive and life altering treatments they undergo, or those who suffer recurrent pregnancy loss are so strong. They have to put a smile on for the world. They have to dream and push forward whether they get results or get pushed down once again. It is truly pain and anguish. Mother's Day is like salt in our wounds because it seems like we live and breathe solely to have a child the world recognizes as a human with rights. I know my life has completely taken a back burner just so I can bring a life into this world, no matter how many tries it takes. And this is why we are strong. We don't give up easily for our righteous desires. We are mothers.
The woman who founded Mother's Day wanted to recognize her mother. Her mother had 7 losses. This knowledge brings peace to me that the mother this day recognized first was an angel mom who struggled to have earthly children.
Happy early Mother's Day to everyone and a special shout out to all those who feel this day of gratitude isolates them. You are loved as well!
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Halfway! 20 Week Update
First and foremost I will document my symptoms like I do for all my updates. Easter was terrible. I spent it crying and extremely sick with a cold and I forgot to take my unisom and B6...so I was throwing up like the good old days. Needless to say, my morning sickness is still in full swing. I even throw up while on my unisom and B6 regimen, but it is more manageable. I don't have the all day sickness, mostly the mornings and nights are bad now.I did gain a little bit of the weight back that I originally lost so that is good news!
I now have been diagnosed with bad sciatica, so bad I went to get checked to make sure it was sciatica and not something more serious since I was having contractions along with the back and leg pain. I am glad I got checked even though I was 90% certain it was just sciatica. I would have never forgave myself if it was a warning sign for pre-term labor or a uti/Kidney infection. I was just told that I am one of the lucky women who get severe sciatica early in the pregnancy. It has been so bad that I am done functioning. Cooking? Cleaning? Nah, that is in the past. Now I live and breathe trying to manage the pain. I hear a chiropractor can help. I will have to look into that. I was also told not to stand, sit, or lay down for long periods of time. Now that just makes me laugh! What does that even mean?! I am beginning to really miss having family around. The Easter Holiday was just so lonely spending it pregnant and sick. I am glad we are moving to Wisconsin.
What am I worried about these days? Well, with the pain and sickness I am seeing the 20 week mark as a "20 more weeks of this?" type thing, but even so I am loving every second knowing our boy is strong and active. After two miscarriages I don't care if I am on bedrest all 9 months! Though...any recommendations for netflix? haha! I am also worried about not buying too much for the baby since we will move when the baby is 3.5 months across country. We don't want too much baby bulk!
20 weeks! But I admit, my real goal has always been 24 weeks for viability. That will be the day I will really celebrate because it is the point in the pregnancy where doctors will try to save the baby. That means the world to me.
I watched Coneheads last night and I teared up when Beldar (the father) saved Earth so that he could make his daughter who was raised on Earth happy. Beldar told his daughter: "Your positive perception of me is vital to my existence. Besides, it is not everyday a father can give the world to his child." I feel as if I have gone through Hell and back and this is my way of giving my little one the world.
Which, by the way, we chose a first name for the baby. Actually...this name was picked out long ago (back when pregnant with angel baby #1). His name will be Nathaniel Gunnell meaning "Gift from God" (with a middle name we have picked but may change). We will most likely just call him Nathan. We love this name so much and feel it was designated for our boy.
As celebration for hitting 20 weeks we made our first purchases for Nathan.
We won't do the crib thing for many reasons. The main reason because we are moving in December, so we decided on a Pack N' Play with a changing table and bassinet. It is very sturdy and holds our dogs very well! We did the build a bear monkey when we found out we were having a boy. We have Nathan's actual heartbeat recorded so when you squeeze the monkey you will hear his heartbeat. We also bought two little suits because they were on sale. I always hate how those suits are expensive, but we bought two for the price of one. We got one for Christmas and the other for Easter time. We got the tuxedo onesie for sale to wear on Sundays until he is older. We weren't going to get the Batman onesie at first even though it was on sale until we realized it has a cape! So Nathan will be Batman for Halloween.
I now have been diagnosed with bad sciatica, so bad I went to get checked to make sure it was sciatica and not something more serious since I was having contractions along with the back and leg pain. I am glad I got checked even though I was 90% certain it was just sciatica. I would have never forgave myself if it was a warning sign for pre-term labor or a uti/Kidney infection. I was just told that I am one of the lucky women who get severe sciatica early in the pregnancy. It has been so bad that I am done functioning. Cooking? Cleaning? Nah, that is in the past. Now I live and breathe trying to manage the pain. I hear a chiropractor can help. I will have to look into that. I was also told not to stand, sit, or lay down for long periods of time. Now that just makes me laugh! What does that even mean?! I am beginning to really miss having family around. The Easter Holiday was just so lonely spending it pregnant and sick. I am glad we are moving to Wisconsin.
What am I worried about these days? Well, with the pain and sickness I am seeing the 20 week mark as a "20 more weeks of this?" type thing, but even so I am loving every second knowing our boy is strong and active. After two miscarriages I don't care if I am on bedrest all 9 months! Though...any recommendations for netflix? haha! I am also worried about not buying too much for the baby since we will move when the baby is 3.5 months across country. We don't want too much baby bulk!
20 weeks! But I admit, my real goal has always been 24 weeks for viability. That will be the day I will really celebrate because it is the point in the pregnancy where doctors will try to save the baby. That means the world to me.
I watched Coneheads last night and I teared up when Beldar (the father) saved Earth so that he could make his daughter who was raised on Earth happy. Beldar told his daughter: "Your positive perception of me is vital to my existence. Besides, it is not everyday a father can give the world to his child." I feel as if I have gone through Hell and back and this is my way of giving my little one the world.
Which, by the way, we chose a first name for the baby. Actually...this name was picked out long ago (back when pregnant with angel baby #1). His name will be Nathaniel Gunnell meaning "Gift from God" (with a middle name we have picked but may change). We will most likely just call him Nathan. We love this name so much and feel it was designated for our boy.
As celebration for hitting 20 weeks we made our first purchases for Nathan.
We won't do the crib thing for many reasons. The main reason because we are moving in December, so we decided on a Pack N' Play with a changing table and bassinet. It is very sturdy and holds our dogs very well! We did the build a bear monkey when we found out we were having a boy. We have Nathan's actual heartbeat recorded so when you squeeze the monkey you will hear his heartbeat. We also bought two little suits because they were on sale. I always hate how those suits are expensive, but we bought two for the price of one. We got one for Christmas and the other for Easter time. We got the tuxedo onesie for sale to wear on Sundays until he is older. We weren't going to get the Batman onesie at first even though it was on sale until we realized it has a cape! So Nathan will be Batman for Halloween.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
So much Change!
I have had a lot on my mind lately.
Mainly I can't wait till 24 weeks (viability) and for my anatomy scan at that time. Once I know our boy has a good chance to make it I will start allowing myself to buy items. The joys of knowing loss all too well. We will probably start considering names for our baby by then too. But the good news is our blood tests for abnormalities came back all normal and our child is now bouncing around in me constantly letting me know that he is doing alright and I shouldn't worry. I am so grateful I have been able to feel this baby for so long, it gives me a lot of comfort. It's like God knows I needed my baby to be bouncy to keep me from worrying all day every day.
I also think a lot of our move in December to Wisconsin. If this boy makes it, we will have a 3.5 month old and 2 rambunctious puppies to move out. I plan on flying the baby out and Daniel will drive the dogs. We plan on professional movers to get us from Utah to Wisconsin. We may also sell and get rid of a lot of our stuff, so keep an eye out if you want anything. We will have a lot more baby stuff, but we will save getting the crib for Wisconsin and generally try to simplify the baby gear until we move into our new home. I mostly worry about our car making the long trip in the winter as well as finding a house to rent that won't eat away our new budget (yay we won't have to depend on parents as much). We will settle for an apartment only if it has a washer/dryer, allows two dogs, and if it is semi-private. I think we are aiming for privacy and a fenced in yard this time around because we will have a newborn and two dogs...we don't want to be the annoying apartment neighbors. Plus, we plan on buying a house within a year or two after feeling out the area and saving enough for a down payment.
I know there is a lot to do now, but once we settle in we can start over. I know that has been a big thing for me since the first miscarriage--I want out of Utah. I want to start over. New state, new awesome job, possibility of a great grad school, a newborn, and close to my family but still far enough from relatives. I don't think I will ever be up for living too close to family. We like our privacy to an extent. I think my biggest concern on the Washington side of the family is the disance ironically, especially since there will be two boys growing up around the same age. I am worried they will not know our child and this may lead to comparisons. I know my unborn children have already been compared to my sister's kids many times already. I hope everyone will respect my child and my struggle to have this child and not put us through that. We do have plans to visit WA as often as possible and Daniel and I will have to figure out a way to keep our child in the loop...perhaps bi-weekly e-mails?
But I am very excited to live closer to my folks!!! We see those in WA more than I can see my family due to traveling complications, but now it won't be as bad. I can see those nieces and nephews more often and even maybe visit the Boston crowd more. I know I have missed my parents very much and I hate that they miss out on a lot of our lives. I am grateful that we are able to move a distance of 6 hours from them so that they can see this grandchild of theirs grow up. It was always one of my biggest concerns about moving away from Michigan. I am most sad to leave my friends and the geology of Utah, but once we settle in we should be able to come and visit Utah once a year at least. And we will use part of Daniel's vacation time to come out to WA during the summer for them to see the kids, most likely when the Boston crowd is out there as well.
I can't believe how much our lives are going to change in just a matter of 8 months!!! All this change is exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time.
Mainly I can't wait till 24 weeks (viability) and for my anatomy scan at that time. Once I know our boy has a good chance to make it I will start allowing myself to buy items. The joys of knowing loss all too well. We will probably start considering names for our baby by then too. But the good news is our blood tests for abnormalities came back all normal and our child is now bouncing around in me constantly letting me know that he is doing alright and I shouldn't worry. I am so grateful I have been able to feel this baby for so long, it gives me a lot of comfort. It's like God knows I needed my baby to be bouncy to keep me from worrying all day every day.
I also think a lot of our move in December to Wisconsin. If this boy makes it, we will have a 3.5 month old and 2 rambunctious puppies to move out. I plan on flying the baby out and Daniel will drive the dogs. We plan on professional movers to get us from Utah to Wisconsin. We may also sell and get rid of a lot of our stuff, so keep an eye out if you want anything. We will have a lot more baby stuff, but we will save getting the crib for Wisconsin and generally try to simplify the baby gear until we move into our new home. I mostly worry about our car making the long trip in the winter as well as finding a house to rent that won't eat away our new budget (yay we won't have to depend on parents as much). We will settle for an apartment only if it has a washer/dryer, allows two dogs, and if it is semi-private. I think we are aiming for privacy and a fenced in yard this time around because we will have a newborn and two dogs...we don't want to be the annoying apartment neighbors. Plus, we plan on buying a house within a year or two after feeling out the area and saving enough for a down payment.
I know there is a lot to do now, but once we settle in we can start over. I know that has been a big thing for me since the first miscarriage--I want out of Utah. I want to start over. New state, new awesome job, possibility of a great grad school, a newborn, and close to my family but still far enough from relatives. I don't think I will ever be up for living too close to family. We like our privacy to an extent. I think my biggest concern on the Washington side of the family is the disance ironically, especially since there will be two boys growing up around the same age. I am worried they will not know our child and this may lead to comparisons. I know my unborn children have already been compared to my sister's kids many times already. I hope everyone will respect my child and my struggle to have this child and not put us through that. We do have plans to visit WA as often as possible and Daniel and I will have to figure out a way to keep our child in the loop...perhaps bi-weekly e-mails?
But I am very excited to live closer to my folks!!! We see those in WA more than I can see my family due to traveling complications, but now it won't be as bad. I can see those nieces and nephews more often and even maybe visit the Boston crowd more. I know I have missed my parents very much and I hate that they miss out on a lot of our lives. I am grateful that we are able to move a distance of 6 hours from them so that they can see this grandchild of theirs grow up. It was always one of my biggest concerns about moving away from Michigan. I am most sad to leave my friends and the geology of Utah, but once we settle in we should be able to come and visit Utah once a year at least. And we will use part of Daniel's vacation time to come out to WA during the summer for them to see the kids, most likely when the Boston crowd is out there as well.
I can't believe how much our lives are going to change in just a matter of 8 months!!! All this change is exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
It's a...
We were so nervous to find out the gender on April 10th, but there was nothing to be nervous about! All day the baby was bouncing away and a half hour before leaving for the scan I told Daniel "this baby is asleep!" I had tried drinking orange juice ahead of time, but I think our little monkey wore itself out!! So, yes, this baby was sleeping during the scan, but luckily this little one was not shy at all!!!
And for what you have all been waiting for! Drum roll!!! (Easter Gender Reveal)
And for what you have all been waiting for! Drum roll!!! (Easter Gender Reveal)
And some extra photos.....
We are blessed with a little boy growing inside me. I am so thankful for this third chance at building a family. Daniel and I both felt we were expecting a boy, especially since I had a dream where this child visited me back in January 2013. I know that it was this little boy who told me that he was ready and wanted to be the first of our children to make it to this earth safely.
Thank you for all your prayers and we ask that you will continue praying for us for the rest of this journey. We know our little angels are watching out for us and rooting for their little brother to make it into our longing arms.
I also want to thank our wonderful friends, Mark and Bekka, for the photos during one of the busiest weeks of school! Love you guys!
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
What team are you on?
In just two days we can (hopefully) learn the gender of our active baby. I am most excited! And nervous. I really hope the baby cooperates and isn't shy at all.
I haven't decided if I am team pink or blue. It is difficult for me to decide for many reasons, but we will have to wait and see. Daniel says a boy and my parents say boy. Daniel's dad says girl (but he is almost always wrong).
Daniel was cute this morning when he pulled out our light pink and blue towels and said that we have to use those for the week since it is gender reveal time! I married a cutie!
Thursday (April 10th) at 6pm can't come quick enough for us! We won't announce gender until we can tell parents on Friday. Gunnell siblings will find out via e-mail on Friday for simplicity (we don't have everyone's phone number).
For now, I will just feel this busy one hiccup away the evening and wonder what our future holds.
Are you team pink or blue?
I haven't decided if I am team pink or blue. It is difficult for me to decide for many reasons, but we will have to wait and see. Daniel says a boy and my parents say boy. Daniel's dad says girl (but he is almost always wrong).
Daniel was cute this morning when he pulled out our light pink and blue towels and said that we have to use those for the week since it is gender reveal time! I married a cutie!
Thursday (April 10th) at 6pm can't come quick enough for us! We won't announce gender until we can tell parents on Friday. Gunnell siblings will find out via e-mail on Friday for simplicity (we don't have everyone's phone number).
For now, I will just feel this busy one hiccup away the evening and wonder what our future holds.
Are you team pink or blue?
Monday, April 7, 2014
Our Schnoodles
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| Grey-Shadow and White-Misty (1 year old sisters) |
After our first loss I had this overwhelming need to care for something. So when we moved we decided to look into getting a dog. At the time we got our dogs I was almost 7 weeks pregnant. We adopted them from a family on October 2nd and we unexpectedly had our second miscarriage October 7th. I was once again thrown into devastation and unsure if I could ever have children, but now I had two untrained, 1-year old puppies to take care of.
While I was miscarrying at home we had a difficult time keeping the dogs from jumping on my already contracting uterus. I was miserable. I loved our dogs, but they made this initial time worse in a lot of ways. After the actual physical part of the miscarriage they became the best part of 2013. They carried me through my emotional pain. I trained them and loved them. We bonded and became inseparable. There were times my patience was tested during my depression, but the schnoodles always made Daniel and me laugh in our darkest moments. We would be holding each other crying because of yet another trial hitting our tiny family and then the dogs would do something to put a smile on our tear stained faces. They are our little miracles. They drive us crazy with their occasional barking, but they have proven to be very well trained (in most circumstances).
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| Daniel having one of many heart-to-hearts we have with Shadow. |
I get mad at the dogs occasionally. Like when they throw up on the bed and I stick my hand in it...yeah, that doesn't make me happy. Or when I find that they chewed one of our blankets (only happened once). Or when Shadow ate my earplug (a necessity to sleep when living with Daniel). I have gotten good at getting the dogs to know when I am not pleased. Basically I just show them the object and say 'bad' and they completely get the gist and leave said object alone in the future. I once found them playing tug of war with my flip flop. And just recently I heard Shadow plop my shoe next to her bed and just fall asleep on it. They have never destroyed or actually chewed on our shoes, thank goodness. Luckily these girls learn quickly.
Our dogs know nearly all the commands for when we bring our baby into the world so that they can have an easy adjustment. I will not be the dog owner who neglects my dogs after the baby is born. These dogs are a part of my family and I will never treat them otherwise. Currently they are both sleeping peacefully next to me. They have learned to stay away from my stomach and are very gentle footed when coming to sleep on my lap. I am so happy to have them and I know it will be a challenge adjusting them to a new baby, but I know it is absolutely doable with proper training and attention.
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