Uncharted Territory

As of two days ago I have officially passed the points of my last two miscarriages (7 and 8 weeks) and from here on out I am facing the new, exciting, and scary with hope in my heart.

Last week was our first positive ultrasound we have ever experienced. After leaving the office I turned to Daniel and said "So, this is what it feels like to have good news."

It is still sad to me that I will never reach certain milestones with my angel babies. In fact...this month has already been difficult as it is the month I should be holding my first beautiful baby in my arms. I should be celebrating with Daniel and family. I should be preparing last minute baby things. In fact, my 10 week appointment is a day before my actual due date for that baby. If we get bad news at that appointment (Feb. 17th) it will be very difficult for us.

I still find myself saying things like "If I am still pregnant in the summer..." and "If everything works out we can have the baby blessed at this time..." We are still being extremely cautious about this baby. I want to be excited, but with our track record it is not feasible to be totally optimistic. I love this little blob so very much.

Our next appointment isn't for another 2 weeks. Whew...seems so long from now, especially when I have had losses. I really wish I had family I feel comfortable with living near us so I could lean on them and not just on my patient husband. I wish I had more support from my sister as well. I always imagined that I would talk to her all about pregnancy, but it is the complete opposite. I feel like I don't have anyone I feel comfortable asking specific questions about pregnancy without feeling stupid. Makes me feel lost sometimes.

I ordered a Fetal Heart Doppler, but because I have a very tilted uterus I most likely won't be able to hear the baby until 12 weeks (8w2d now). Speaking of my tilted uterus, pregnancy always brings on lower back pain around 7-8 weeks and I am not a fan (especially since it is a sign of miscarriage)! Also, round ligament pain is kicking my butt (also said to be more extreme with a tilted uterus)! I just love having sharp ligament pain when I laugh, cough, or sneeze. haha!

My biggest pain is actually something that I have been researching and I will have to talk to my doctor about at my next appointment. When I read up on Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (spd) I thought it was something made up or a joke! But then I realized that it makes sense and some of the pain I have been having may not necessarily be round ligament pain. When I walk I can hear my hips and lower back pop, crack, and grind and after this happens I have bad pain in my abdomen and groin (TMI, I know haha). For a few days after this happens I can barely walk from the bedroom to the bathroom (something I do often while pregnant). My thighs also radiate this pain. But then after being very careful and resting a lot the pain goes back down to a normal, bearable pain. I have been eating bananas and drinking as much water as I can stomach to see if that will help.

I talk about all these pains, but they aren't complaints, just facts. I love this baby and everything it decides to do to me is completely worth it. I remember telling Daniel that I would be so happy when we gave birth to our first baby, that I would most likely cry. I know every parent is grateful for their children and I know they are extremely overwhelmed with love and joy at their baby's arrival; however, it can't compare to the love I will feel when I am finally able to hold the precious child I have struggled to have. I have gone through so much emotional, spiritual, and physical pain over and over again as we try to build our family. This pain will allow me to appreciate exactly what I have been blessed with. I am beginning to truly understand the joy which comes after deep opposition.