Shopping for Doctors

This pregnancy has been a bit stressful because I haven't been able to find a doctor that fits my needs. Everyone I talk to seems lucky enough to have a doctor that will gladly reassure them that things are alright or be willing to help when things are awry.

I went to the doctor last Monday (January 6) and I was treated terribly because I wasn't 10 weeks pregnant. "Come back when you are 10 weeks." "Why are you here?" I just wanted to make a 'game plan' with the doctor to know if she was the one for me. I mentioned to the doctor that I have never made it to 10 weeks and had to fight for an early ultrasound at 8 weeks. She has been crossed off my list.

I made an appointment with another place for today. I have no idea if I will like this place, but I have heard good things about it. I just want a doctor who will comfort my fears and try anything in his power to help this be a healthy pregnancy. I am tired of looking. If my appointment today doesn't go well I will just remain with my original doctor...who can't even get me in until the end of January and with my history, that would be the time I could miscarry and be too late. So stressful.

Ticking Time Bomb

That's how I feel all the time--like none of this will last. Most days I am full of faith and have the reassurance that whatever comes my way will make me stronger. I know I can get through anything when I rely on the Lord.

However, some days I feel like this baby only has a limited time with me because the others only stayed a short while. I try to enjoy every moment I am granted with this baby, but I find myself thinking about how I am going to handle another miscarriage.

I was really bloated the other day, so much that my pants were getting a bit tight. Daniel cheerfully said "let's get you new pants!" In response I just got really sad when I realized that I have another week down...another week closer to when I could lose the baby. I told Daniel that I don't want to bother getting new pants, because in a couple weeks I will be able to fit perfectly into my old jeans again.

Many pregnant women look forward to each new week, being able to say they are that much more closer to being a mother, but for me it is one less week with my baby. I know this may not be true, but part of me feels like it is okay if I mentally prepare myself for a third miscarriage.

But amidst the fear, faith still remains...I just know that if this baby is a sticky one that I will be the happiest and most grateful mother alive.

Praying for a Rainbow

When I was younger I remember praying to see a beautiful rainbow even though the sun had been shining all day with no rain in sight. I practiced my child-like faith and God in response answered my prayers. I stepped out of the house onto our porch and in front of me was the most vibrant double rainbow I have ever seen to this day. It amazed me that God would answer a mere child's innocent prayer so quickly and effortlessly.

God answers the prayers of those who practice their faith in Him. He may not answer them in the way we want or in our timing, but He will never forsake those with righteous desires.

I am praying for a rainbow once again. When I struggle, I try to remember back to that day when Heavenly Father gave a young girl her rainbow. Our Father is incredibly loving and won't let our struggles be in vain, but will strengthen our faith, just as He strengthened my faith when I was younger. I know that this baby I carry is loved and blessed. I pray everyday that this baby will be my rainbow after the storm.

Facing family after losing baby #1

With the first loss I was sad, even depressed for a while, but I knew that miscarriages happen. I really thought my rainbow would come whenever I would get pregnant again. This is what allowed me to heal fairly quickly after the first loss compared to my second, but I still was hit with the typical depression women can get after they have a baby. For me, when my hormones decreased I was out of whack, but I didn't get to hold my baby. I believe the time between the miscarriage and your first period is the most depressing. This is because your hormones are balancing out and you want your period to know your body is back to normal.

During the wait for my period I went to see family in Washington. Before we left I was sad, but I was fine. During the trip to Washington I hit rock bottom. It was probably the combination of the miscarriage hitting home and the fact I had to be around family. I just spiraled down into my own little hell for that weekend. After Washington I bounced back again, slowly, but I healed.

In some ways Daniel and I felt forced to go to Washington--we weren't pregnant anymore and therefore the worry of miscarriage was over, and we knew this was our chance to see the nieces and nephews. I know we weren't forced, but we felt like we had to get over our loss and join the rest of the family.

We stayed in the new house alone. This was a huge blessing because it allowed me to be private with my husband. Every time we were alone I would cry for an hour until I got the strength to face family again.

It was especially difficult feeling like I was the elephant in the room. I secretly wanted someone to talk to me about what I had gone through, but I have learned that this family can be a bit fluffy (which is a big pet peeve of mine, I believe in being real and not pretending certain problems don't exist).

One person tried to talk to me in private, but butchered her words and made me hurt more. I know she meant well and I recognize that now, but back then I was too depressed to try to understand. I actually did want to talk to her, but the timing was always off.

There was a couple in the family who said some hurtful things to us when we told them we were pregnant with our first baby. They said it jokingly, but Daniel and I could tell that it was more than a joke. They made it feel like getting pregnant and having a baby was a competition. It felt like they tainted that baby with jealousy, bitterness, and competition instead of being happy and full of love.

The trip to Washington was too soon for me to talk to this couple even though they tried inviting us out to lunch when everyone else was at the amusement park. They assumed we didn't like amusement parks because we weren't going to spend all day with the kids. I actually LOVE amusement parks, but the truth was I was bleeding and had the very small possibility that I could be pregnant again. Because I was bleeding I decided swimming wasn't an option and because pregnancy was once again an option I chose to stay off rides. I only went to the amusement park to be with the kids even though I know I let them down because I didn't go on many of the rides.

I was treated slightly different by one of the nieces as well. I wasn't able to attend her baptism because of the miscarriage and she seemed to ignore me. It hurt so bad because I love this little girl so very much. I was saddened that I let her down. The day before we left Washington she came up to me and said that she heard about what happened to my baby. I didn't know how to respond to this other than telling her that we miss the baby very much. After she confronted me she finally loosened up and talked to me once again. I wish I had known that she wanted to bring it up but didn't know how, because then I would have told her it was okay from the start. She was oddly braver than many of the adults.

Daniel's mom and one of his sisters were the Godsend on that trip. In private I could talk to them. Daniel's sister is a beautiful soul and told me it was okay if it hurt to see her new child (who would be about a year older than my child would have been if we didn't lose him). She understood. It did hurt me when I saw her child, but the fact that she understood my hurt and wasn't offended made the trip worthwhile.

My birthday was the worst. We did a family sealing session since Daniel's dad is a sealer. I was excited for this, but also dreaded it because I was such a mess. I was worried I would spontaneously start crying any moment-- after all we were sealing families for time and eternity and there is no doctrine on whether I will be with my angel baby again.

It turned out to be a great part of my birthday. I love the temple so much; however, before we left the temple I used the bathroom and found that I was bleeding again. It wasn't my period, it was still too early (I wouldn't get it for another 2 weeks). This made my birthday very difficult to handle because the cramping was getting worse and suddenly I was bleeding again. I wondered if I had an infection. (I learned much much later that it could have been my body ovulating. Some women bleed and cramp when they ovulate. This is my new norm after the miscarriages.)

On my birthday everyone threw me a surprise party. Normally I would be happy, but being a very introverted person who was entering a state of depression, I was not happy. In fact, that whole party I consistently held back tears. One of the worse parts was when I overheard someone tell a child "No, Sarah is not a mom yet." I understand answering a child's question, but I hadn't heard the question so the answer I would have preferred would be "No, not yet." If I had heard that, I would have assumed the kid wanted something and had to wait for it. Instead I got that electric shock through my body...that wonderful reminder of all I had lost.

Family pictures were taken on my birthday. Daniel and I were the last to get them done and the whole time I was praying that I could just make it through. I hate those pictures because all I see is that stupid fake smile I have on my face and the reminder that I was no longer pregnant. That picture is a reminder of all that I have lost. No one saw Daniel and I getting our pictures taken and the photographer commented how easy it was taking pictures of a couple with no kids and went on to say to us "stay a family of two."

Okay, I do know she was joking, that's in her nature. I also know she didn't know that I was recovering from a lost pregnancy. So I forgave her the moment it happened, but the hurt remained. After holding in my tears that whole day, I finally burst and Daniel shielded me from the family and guided me to the golf course path. We walked and I cried. Daniel held me. I wanted the day to be over. I had to cut the tears short because everyone was waiting to cut the cake. I had to blow out the candles because I was the center of attention.

This all makes it sound like I hate family, but I really don't. I was just not ready to see anyone. I felt like a failure. I know everyone meant well. I know they were trying to cheer me up and make me smile. I don't fault anyone from the pain I chose to experience. None of the pain was their fault. It was just bad timing that the events of my miscarriage would hit me during that trip. Daniel was able to come to terms with the loss the week it happened, but I was in denial and shock. By the time we visited family my life came crumbling down because that was the moment my mind chose to remember and realize what I had lost.

I am grateful for my loving family, and I am sorry that I hurt so much during that trip. I wish I could have handled comments and being around everyone better.  I am thankful for their thoughtfulness in throwing me a surprise party. I love them all very much, even if I don't show it.

It's okay to be sad

After my miscarriages people seemed to give me a few days to grieve, but then some began asking "why are you not over this?" What an awful question to ask. No one would go up to someone who lost a parent, child, sibling, or close friend and ask them days or weeks later why they are still sad!

My babies were everything to me. Before I got pregnant with any of my babies I loved them. So why should I be 100% over the death of my unborn babes so soon...or ever?! With the Plan of Salvation mourning saints have the reassurance that they can be with their loved ones once again after this life; however, it is okay to be sad. After all, we are temporarily separated from our loved ones, it's a trial everyone has to endure in this life.

Latter-day Saints who experience a miscarriage have to truly rely on their faith that things will be alright in the end. There is no doctrine on what happens to babies lost in pregnancy. We know and understand the Plan of Salvation, so we know all is not lost, but we don't quite have the doctrine that we will be with our angel babies again. This is where I have heavily relied on my own personal revelation to put my mind at ease. I really love the quote by Joseph Smith:

"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again …"

       --Joseph Smith--

The Angels in my Life

My mind has often turned to something that someone told me during my trials. They told me that perhaps in the pre-existence we were allowed to pick our earthly family units. If this is so, then my children picked me, just as I picked my parents. I kind of like this idea, because it gives me comfort.

But then, this brings on a whole new meaning of God's individual plan for each of us. For me, God's plan is intricately intertwined with my husband, my close friends, strangers, and my future children. We gain impressions with every person we meet, whether good or bad; family members and friends can directly impact our lives positively or negatively. 

God's plan is perfect and I truly believe He sends people into our lives at the exact time we need them, but He also sends people out of our lives simultaneously. God is truly looking out for us and guiding us--He may not be able to comfort directly, but He sends Earthly Angels to comfort in His stead.

I have some shining personal angels on this earth. I won't name them, because honestly, they know exactly if I am talking about them. They are the ones who let me talk and not feel judged. They are the ones who I can shamelessly become a ball of tears and snot. They are the ones who contact me often to let me know I am not alone. They know my trials and they do everything in their power to help me, even if they don't understand all that I struggle with.

I have one friend who I respect dearly. I know she struggles to know how to help me, because she has directly told me that she doesn't quite understand, but that doesn't make her give up on me. She has been a shining beacon, a therapist, and a great friend to me. She visited me each time as I lost my babies and a couple times a week for quite a while after the fact. I became friends with her just in time for these strenuous trials to engulf my life and she has never once left my side. This is amazing to me when I think of how some close friends disappeared in my deepest time of need, but a friend that I had just come to know became one of the closest confidants I could imagine.

I have a pair of friends who are also thinking about entering the stage to become parents and they have really shown love to my husband and I. She tries to understand my trials and shows so much empathy. She makes me laugh but also makes me cry because of her kindness. She once told me that she wanted me to get pregnant and have a child before her. I think this was because she understood that it sometimes hurts me to see others reaching the stage in life I can only pray for at the moment. It's funny, but the fact she said that and understands my hurt makes me want her to have children all the more. She and her husband will make beautiful parents.

I believe that those friendships were divinely inspired into my life years before these difficult trials began. They are my angels to comfort me when I am alone and life feels hopeless. I have no idea how I would have made it through the holidays without them.

They are a part of God's plan for me. They are in my life to let me know there is still good in this world.

I also believe my future children share a plan with me. I believe that my two angel babies had a plan God gave them and in this plan they didn't have to stay on this earth very long to make an impact.

My individual plan was directly impacted by my angel babies. Without them, I am a grieving mother, but I also have a stronger testimony of God's love for me. I have a stronger desire to live worthily for my lost children. I cling onto faith daily, because when you lose a child that is all you can do. I hope and pray I will see them again. Their brief moment in my life has drastically changed the way I act, the way I will love any children that I can raise in this life, and the way I see the Plan of Salvation.

The story of Angel Baby # 1

Most people don't think of what truly lies behind the miscarriage, especially recurrent ones. Here is the story of my first pregnancy and miscarriage.

I remember Daniel's parents came to visit while I was pregnant with Baby #1.  We didn't tell them I was pregnant at that time, but I completely slept the whole drive to and from Grantsville, Utah! I was pretty beat after standing around at a family reunion and was ready to just relax. I am a quiet person so they probably thought I was tired from getting back from my field course not long before the trip. 

The day before the fourth of July (2013) I began to cramp and bleed. Daniel's sister was supposed to be coming over that night, but Daniel and I decided to call my doctor and I got in for an emergency ultrasound before she came over. The waiting room was empty since it was late in the day before a holiday. It was peaceful, but I was a basket of nerves. What was I going to see on that ultrasound? 

A nice technician invited me into the room and began the transvaginal ultrasound. He was talkative, telling us not too worry, that many women experience bleeding in pregnancy and everything turns out fine. He said my anatomy was picturesque and that I have a tilted uterus. haha. He then turned the screen to Daniel and me. Up till this point I was smiling out of courtesy because all I was thinking about was if my baby was alright! 

This little miracle had a strong heartbeat. I remember Daniel squeezing my hand and thinking "everything will be fine!" Though, I was concerned when the technician said the baby was measuring a little small for how far along I was (7 weeks, we would lose the baby at 8 weeks). I pushed it off in my mind, thinking that I possibly ovulated later in my cycle, though in my heart I knew my cycles have always been clockwork. 

My doctor called after looking at the results and said that we weren't "out of the woods yet." She said the heartbeat was extremely reassuring and told me that I would most likely be absolutely fine. She said I could still fly out to Boston on the 4th to see my nieces and nephew, but in my heart I knew something was off. We called family tentatively, telling our news. I wish we hadn't. I know Daniel was too excited to keep the excitement in any longer. We also cancelled our trip to Boston because I figured if something went wrong, I wanted to be home. 

Daniel's sister came to our door within 10 minutes of us getting back home from the ultrasound. Within those ten minutes I had cried and cried and decided Boston wouldn't happen, even though I really wanted to give the baptism talk to one of my lovely nieces. 

That weekend was beyond stressful for me. I wrote a baptism talk and e-mailed it out to the Boston folks so that someone didn't have to plan a talk last minute. Writing that talk was very difficult. My mind was definitely elsewhere. I had Daniel read it before I e-mailed it out because my mind was not functioning. 

I felt so bad that I wouldn't be able to attend. I felt bad that Daniel's oldest sister had to explain to her kids why I wasn't coming out, then later explain to them what happened to the baby. I can't imagine having that conversation and to this day I feel bad about it. 

That weekend was also a cousin's wedding! It was a happy day! I remember sitting in the temple and feeling the cramping...not the normal cramping during pregnancy. I remember asking if a family member wanted my seat because she was very pregnant, but inside I didn't want to get up because I was bleeding so I was glad she said she was fine. Daniel and I didn't stay for the newlyweds to come out of the Temple. I was in so much pain we went home. 

That Sunday was a baby blessing and my bleeding had stopped that morning. At this point we still had hope everything was going to work out. Honestly, I had hope in the first pregnancy literally till the very end. After sacrament meeting I used the bathroom and I was discouraged when I saw blood once again. The bleeding was still fairly light so I tried not to worry.

On Monday night I remember telling Daniel that my cramping was consistently getting worse. The last thing I said to him before I fell asleep was "I'm scared." That night I woke up to extreme pain on my right side and back. It wasn't a normal miscarriage pain, it was something that to this day I have no idea what it was!

I couldn't stand up straight, my hearing and sight vanished, and I was dizzy and nauseous. I made my way by memory to the bathroom and puked. After I threw up the pain didn't seem to get better, but the nausea disappeared enough for me to make my way, blind, to the bedroom and get the energy to call Daniel's name. He woke up, still groggy until he realized something was terribly wrong. I almost told him to call an ambulance because I couldn't see or hear and I was still hunched in pain. I felt like I couldn't make it down a flight of stairs to the car. 

After what seemed like an eternity my sight and most of my hearing returned suddenly and I was grateful so that I could dress and be guided by Daniel to the car. The drive was agonizing. The bumps amplified the pain. Whatever happened to me that night accelerated the miscarriage process and my bleeding became heavier. I have, to this day, never heard a story similar to mine. This was not normal miscarriage pain.  

At the ER we once again had an ultrasound. The baby was still alive, but the heartbeat was much weaker. We went home and I was still hopeful. All my doctors were hopeful until the end. They kept telling me that this happens sometimes and the baby pulls through. My mind reeled. I was tormented. The major pain was gone, that was honestly the worst pain I had ever felt in my life, but now I had to face the normal pain of miscarriage.

I cramped like normal. My periods have always been rough and I knew I could handle the pain. The part I didn't realize would be difficult was the emotional pain. I typically hide my feelings. I was a closet crier before this happened to me. And now I had to face the indescribable emotional pain, but my physical pain was so great in my abdomen region that the type of extreme crying I needed to do hurt immensely. I had never known until then that emotional pain could be felt throughout your entire body. 

Daniel held me as I hunched over, clutching my abdomen, and crying harder and louder than I have ever done in my life even though I felt all the physical cramps more strongly when I cried that hard. My dear husband cried with me and continued to hold me as I shook. It was what I have called a very sacred moment between the two of us. I have never known such emotional pain and we shared it together.

I prayed hard before going to bed that night, even though I didn't sleep well--this would be the beginning of intense insomnia from that miscarriage. I prayed that things would be fine and that if it was God's will that I would be able to keep the baby by some miracle. This was another one of those moments I will always remember as being sacred. It was the moment I felt peace and the confirmation that the baby was gone and wouldn't make it. It was a sad moment. I was able to get some sleep after that, the last sleep I would get for a whole week. 

The next day was a week from my first ultrasound where we had seen a very healthy baby. During this day a beautiful friend came over and made me laugh through the pain and contractions. I began having the contractions around 4pm and passed the sac at 7pm. I had seen my baby alive only a day before. I learned things are not guaranteed and that things can turn for the absolute worse in moments.

I was blessed with what many would call a quick natural miscarriage. I wasn't told what to expect  from a miscarriage. Doctors didn't really tell me anything because they had been hopeful the entire time. I cradled the sac with my baby in it. It was the only time I was able to hold my baby. I stared at it and thought 'it's over." 

My doctors appointment the next day was alright, if a bit cruel. The doctor kept telling me everything was still alright and there was a chance that things are fine! I remember looking at this doctor and shaking my head as I passed the tissue over to him. He pushed the sac around with his hand and agreed it was over. He asked if I wanted the tissue...I was caught off guard and said no. I regretted that decision the moment I walked out of his office. He threw what was once my hopes and dreams in the medical waste as I cancelled any future prenatal appointments at the front desk. I didn't cry until we had left the building and got into the car to go home.

Telling family and friends who had known about the baby was our next step and was devastating reliving it each time. My mom and dad had been out of town for a few days and I wasn't able to contact them during the hardest part of my life. My mom is a great comfort to me, and all I wanted and still want to this day is for her to hug me.

I was so traumatized that I didn't sleep for a week. I got one more ultrasound which showed an empty womb. This ultrasound was done by the same technician who was joking around about my picturesque anatomy. He recognized us as well and gave his condolences.

My heart rate was erratic throughout the week and I was physically weak--though not from blood loss since I made sure to drink lots of fluids. I partially lost the will to take care of myself  for that week. I barely ate. I lost feeling in my arm since every time I got my blood taken they hit the same nerve. I bled and passed clots for a week later with still major cramping. 

I had that all too familiar now hormone decrease which women experience when they finally have their little blessing in their arms. It is known that women who birth their babies often get depression from this hormone decrease, but not many people realize it can happen when you miscarry as well. 

 

Then there is that agonizing wait for your period. You just want your period back because then you know your body is healing, but it can take up to 8 weeks and sometimes more in extreme cases. I remember talking to someone who just went off birth control and was complaining about her period and all I could think of was how I prayed every day to get my period again so this nightmare could be over sooner. I just wanted my period so I had the reassurance that I didn't have any complications from the miscarriage, like infection from left over material.

Little did I know that that nightmare will never go away. The wait is excruciating. Throughout the wait for your period you are constantly taking your temperature and hoping you won't get an infection and when you have doctors like mine at the time, they don't watch your hormone levels go to zero or give you an ultrasound to make sure all the "product" is out of your system. I went to the ER once again to make sure everything was cleared out and no complications would arise.

People don't talk about what happens when you miscarry, but everyone who believes the baby was alive with potential knows it's extremely traumatic. 

It helped Daniel and I heal by naming this angel baby. We named him Collin Gunnell. I carry a ring on my right hand with both my angel's birthstones and names. It is the only way I can acknowledge them openly and not just in my heart.