Plans for this blog

I decided to think about where I wanted to go with this blog and what audience I am aiming it towards after staying up till 3am unable to shut down my brain.

Because this blog is about my struggles and perseverance to become a mother, I think it is only fit to start from the beginning.

The beginning for me was before I lost my first baby. I remember I was still in a geology field camp and I was worried that my activity level would harm the baby. I took extra care to not push myself too far during the end of the course. I also remember telling a few people the day I found out and how excited I was.I remember testing that morning. I chose not to wake Daniel because I didn't think we would get a positive, after all it was our first month of officially trying for a baby.

When I saw those two lines pop boldly on the test I was thrilled and woke Daniel up and we both hugged each other. Such a pure happy moment. I would have never expected my journey to have so many painful moments. Sometimes the pain makes me forget about those small happy moments I was blessed to have, even if they were fleeting.

So that was the very beginning for me. The start of all that was to follow. This blog will follow the joy of those pregnancies and the pain I felt for each. Some blog posts will be depressing and look like I was in the pits of despair--and I truly was at those times. I want my feelings to be accurate to what I was feeling then, so I will often draw on my journal that I religiously kept at those times. You will see as I progress from each miscarriage to this current pregnancy that I do go through a deep grieving process that eventually blossoms into something more beautiful and reassuring.

The audience for this blog is anyone who ventures to read it. I am a Latter-day Saint (AKA Mormon) and therefore many of my references will be to my religion that has kept me afloat through these hard times. If you are not religious, I ask that you respect my views as I respect yours and I hope that this blog can still be of some help. The main audience of this blog, I hope, will be other women struggling with their individual and unique journeys to become mothers. I am here to let you know that you are not alone. In the end, my audience is anyone who is willing to be like a child and learn of the pain some women experience. I hope to be able to help at least one lady with her struggles.

You don't understand: Part Two

Pregnancy brings on a mix of emotions, including anxiety. I know this to be true. I still remember what it was like to be pregnant for the first time. I was so happy and I dreamed of my baby every second of the day, but I always had a ball of worry within me. It's normal to worry about your future child. Pregnancy prepares you to be a mother, with a mother's worry after all.

Yes, every pregnant woman experiences fear, I know this very well; however, the normal fears of miscarriage in a pregnancy exponentially increases with each loss (because now you know it can happen, and not only once but many times before you can get a  'sticky bean'). You can never compare the fear during pregnancy after you have had a loss. I know from experience that the fear and anxiety after two recurrent losses is even more so than after one loss, at least it is for me.

Both my babies had strong heartbeats. The moment your baby gets a strong heartbeat in the first trimester your chances of miscarriage drastically decreases. It hurts remembering their heartbeats flicker on the monitor--my two precious angels that I carried for a short while, but will never be able to hold. I long for them daily. To lose two babies one after another is uncommon and if I had the money I should have done infertility tests (though most insurances want you to endure through 3 miscarriages before covering the expensive costs of infertility tests...I wish the world realized that these babies were alive and not just something you can abort up to so many weeks). I wish I had some sort of proof that my babies existed. I never got pictures for those ultrasounds...the only proof I had were pregnancy tests which I tossed because the pain was too great looking at them. 

I remember telling someone that I was expecting once again when I was pregnant with my second angel. She was newly pregnant with her first child and she was so happy and excited. I remember being that girl. I remember smiling and talking to my belly and imagining what the baby would look like at each new milestone. 

I know she is and was scared like any pregnant woman who wants her child dearly, but I was actually terrified. I confided in her that I couldn't get excited about mine and I was so scared...but she was so excited about her news that she unknowingly ignored my need of something as simple as a hug.

As I enter this third pregnancy I am so filled with hope and love from my Heavenly Father. Every day I feel like I am about to explode from worry and fear, but when I pray I feel comforted. I don't know what is going to happen with this current baby and I spontaneously cry whenever I think about losing this one, but then I get so happy when I confront my Father in Heaven about my fears. 

My emotions are so messed up and off the charts in every direction. These emotions are not just from my ever increasing hormone levels, because I have been like this since the first miscarriage. My emotions are only amplified with the mother's worry of yet another little miracle growing in my womb. I pray that God will one day allow me to know the joys, and not just the despair that comes with motherhood. 

So, if you see me while I am still carrying this blessing, please give me a hug. Don't tell me it will be okay, because no one but God knows that, but tell me you love me and you are praying for my pregnancy. 

You don't understand: Part One

I have been told by some pregnant women that I don't understand the trials of pregnancy and in some ways they are right. I have never made it out of the first trimester and don't understand what it is like afterwards, but they each knew I had miscarriages. It hurt being reminded of the milestones I will never reach with each of those babies. It hurts being given a list of all their discomforts, knowing that I have not had a successful pregnancy. I know they are trying to make me feel better...but I don't understand how that is supposed to make me happy that I am not carrying a child I prayed for and loved so deary anymore. Am I supposed to be happy that I was spared from the pain and discomfort? Is the pain and loneliness of losing something you wanted and desired more than anything less than the uncomfortableness of a pregnant woman who is almost guaranteed to have her child placed in her arms, alive and well?

I know pregnancy is uncomfortable and I find many pregnant women often assume I don’t know.

I may not have made it towards the point in pregnancy where my hips are spreading apart and the sciatica pain is unbearable and other annoying things (like being out of breath, getting kicked in the ribs, or feeling like a blimp), but I know pregnancy is no walk in the park. I have a tilted uterus which has always brought on many pains people expect later in pregnancy at the very beginning (until my uterus is able to tip back by 12 weeks). Just one example: I have round ligament pain at 3-4 weeks. I can know I am pregnant before I test because of this. In fact, I have predicted that I was pregnant with each of my pregnancies. Makes me feel like a psychic sometimes!   

Those of us who lose a baby find ourselves traumatically kicked out of the pregnancy club where it is taboo to speak of our pain and hope. You don't realize there is a club until you lose a baby. When you look on facebook and see a pregnant friend inviting her other pregnant friends out to do something you wanted to do while pregnant, it becomes very clear. At church some people won't even bat an eyelash at you the moment they find out you aren't expecting or don't already have a child (yes, I have experienced this many times in different wards, not in my most recent ward though).

Some people can get lucky and have amazing friends to support them during this time and some are even more blessed to be able to have pregnant friends who actively show their love for the one who has lost. Some don't get this kind of support. I had a mixture. Out of about 10 pregnant friends (yes, 10 who announced while I was going through my second loss, all due in May and June), only two stood up and showed that they care about me. It was an amazing feeling knowing that even though they most likely felt awkward and scared about my reaction because of their pregnant state, they still either sent beautiful messages to me periodically or actively visited with me. It was amazing not to be ignored or feel as if I was diseased because I lost a child (yes, you do feel diseased or condemned even if that was not the intention of the person not showing love and support for the grieving mother). 

When pregnant women tell me I don't understand I just half smile. Thinking back to my pregnancies I realize I do have a decent understanding of the discomforts. I have severe, chronic back pain when I am pregnant. I do get sick. I get awful acne. I have major migraines. The tiredness makes the bed call for me even after I slept a wonderful 8 hours of sleep. I did get nightmares. I had the raging emotions. I have gone through the majority of the first trimester twice.

I know I am not the only grieving mother who rolls her eyes at a full-bellied pregnant lady who is complaining about how awful pregnancy is. I know I have never experienced pregnancy past a certain point, but I dream and pray for it daily. I understand some complaining, after all, pregnancy is uncomfortable. But I am talking about the eviction notice posts or just plain out complaining without finding some sort of humor or obvious appreciation in what you have been blessed with.

There is a history of hyperemesis gravidarum in my family. My sister was the last to have it with all four of her pregnancies. I watched as she lost weight and got mean comments from doctors (that she was killing her baby because she couldn't keep any food down). She was beyond miserable, but I admire her for pushing through. 

Some women with hyperemesis terminate their pregnancies because it is so miserable, but my sister and so many women have shown great strength. Some of these women have had a miscarriage in the past and now must be strong physically and mentally for another traumatic experience. There is a huge chance that I may have hyperemesis after all I have gone through and I will gladly take it if at the end I can hold my live, healthy baby in my currently empty arms.