Peter's Birth Story

Peter’s Birth Story

Written on June 9th, 2016

June 5^th 2016 (Sunday)

This was a Sunday and we chose not to go to church so that Nathan would nap at home (instead of the car which is typical for Sundays). We knew we needed rest while he napped as well. We spent the blustery morning at Nannyberry Park (which we can see from our back door). Daniel played ‘stop’ and ‘go’ with Nathan while I sat in the shade of a tree just contemplating how wonderful life has treated us. My senses were filled and I felt very peaceful feeling Peter move within me and the warmth of the sun hitting my face. Daniel and Nathan also picked me tiny, beautiful, yellow snapdragon looking weeds. My favorite color flower is yellow. We then took a short walk, but I could feel this walk was different. I felt much more pressure and I was very uncomfortable and so we headed home (before I peed my pants as well). When we got home Daniel helped Nathan fall asleep (with his hat on because Nathan is obsessed with his hat). And then Daniel and I had sex (yay for TMI) and shortly afterwards I had my bloody show. Daniel then made me one of my favorite, easy meals: cilantro lime chicken with zucchini. I shared a Luigi Ice with Nathan while watching the episodes of Daniel Tiger where baby Margaret comes to their family.

June 6^th 2016 (Monday)

That morning was rough because Daniel went into work knowing he had a HUGE presentation to give. I can’t imagine how stressful that was not knowing if I would be calling him home or even if he would make it to give the presentation but having to prepare for it anyways. Watching Nathan that morning was tough because I was nauseous and beyond exhausted! I knew I was going to go into labor soon because of the way I felt. Luckily Nathan was extra zen that morning and was content watching Tinkerbell. I realized that I had been waiting for Daniel to give his presentation before going into labor. It was important to me that he did this for work so it was almost as if my body wouldn’t go into labor until Daniel was done. Sure enough once my mind was completely stress free I did go into labor.

We got into bed around 9:30pm and I just knew I was going into labor that night. I could sense it. I sensed it so much that I even got an adrenaline rush thinking about it. And yep, at 10pm, right when I was trying to fall asleep to rest up for labor, that was when my contractions started. From the start they were too much to sleep through. Daniel got a few hours of sleep before I woke him up to heat up some leftover cilantro chicken so that I could eat while I still had an appetite. I eventually ate jello, yogurt, the chicken, and a slice of watermelon (that is still sitting in our master bathroom as of the 9^th of June when I wrote this). At one point in the night I realized that the dogs would be a problem if we needed someone to babysit Nathan while he slept (they are barkers). So Kristina graciously came to take the dogs for us around 3am and we chatted outside in the cool night air for a bit before she headed off. That gave me incredible peace of mind that if I needed my doula to come in the night or if we needed to head to the hospital that the dogs wouldn’t bark and wake our toddler.

I spent the entire night laboring in our bedroom. Our upstairs is a little on the hot side even with the air conditioning running so I spent a lot of it sweating or being too cold when I took layers off. Daniel spent a little bit rubbing my back to help me to try to sleep at one point and it was heavenly and alleviated a lot of the pain I was feeling. Eventually Nathan woke up around 4 or 5 am and Daniel went downstairs to care for him while I tried to sleep on my left side while listening to hypnobirthing tracks. When I was on my left my contractions were almost unbearable and lasted 1.5 minutes each, but they were 7 minutes apart so I could doze for a few minutes before having to breathe through contractions. I spent a lot of early labor in leaning forward positions, laboring on the toilet (a lot), on hands and knees, and circling my hips on the yoga ball. I made movement the key to this labor because I could feel Peter was posterior. Just like when I was in labor with Nathan, I had intense back labor from the beginning. In fact, the contractions were felt intensely everywhere, they were difficult to relax through. I had lots of bloody mucus and I loved that! Just because I knew my cervix was dilating and the contractions were doing a great job! I labored a lot on the toilet in order to keep my bladder empty since I also focused a lot on hydrating. My bowels also decided that this was the time to clear everything out in a vengeance (I had five massive bowels movements). My whole night was spent pooping on the toilet (which was making me paranoid by the end of the night if it was really poop or actually a baby haha). Nathan officially woke up around 6am and we knew he would have an early nap that day which is normally an annoying concept, but this day (June 7^th) it worked out.

June 7^th 2016 (Tuesday)

At this point I was 40w3d or 40w6d depending on the due dates I was given. I spent a lot of the night laboring on my own and pretty much the whole morning on my own. I came down to say hello to Nathan as often as I could to try to keep his morning more on the normal side. At one point the sun was shining through our front door window and created rainbow lights on our wall and Nathan saw it and wanted to touch the light. It made me think about how Nathan was my first rainbow baby and I would be welcoming my next very shortly. It was comforting and also bittersweet thinking about how he was going to be a big brother soon. By 9am my contractions were 1 minute long at 3 minutes apart. I was struggling to relax during these contractions on my own and I was beginning to get nauseous and I could feel the rectal pressure building. I called my doula and asked if she would come assist me at this point. I didn’t quite feel the need to get to the hospital when I called her or set up someone to come watch Nathan, but within 10 minutes of setting this up I realized we needed to get to the hospital. The wait to get Nathan set up was agony because I knew Peter was coming. When everyone arrived I gave a quick run-down on what Nathan would need when he woke from his nap (Daniel had put him to sleep, I didn’t know it was my last time seeing my boy as my only child). While I tried to give instructions I had to stop and breathe through contractions which were coming at 2 minutes apart for at least a minute or longer.

The drive to the hospital is only 10 minutes, and the change made it so I only had two contractions in the car, but Wisconsin bumpy roads made me miserable. Have you seen the video of the girl giving birth in the car while her significant other recorded it? Yeah, during my contractions that was all I could think about because the pressure was getting out of hand!

We got to the hospital and the valet took our car and a nice older man asked if I was in labor and needed a wheelchair. I told him I was in labor and didn’t need one, but he insisted on following with a wheelchair just in case. I tried to explain that my contractions were easier handled walking and leaning forward and were more intense sitting. He followed us and I stopped a few times to breathe through more contractions. Daniel was amazing this while time, trying to do counter pressure when he had the chance, but by this point counter pressure was useless for me. However, his touch was all I needed to reassure me I was doing it. Tammy, our doula, was great constantly telling me my movement during contractions was good and my breathing and relaxing was great and to keep up the good work. Everyone seemed to think I was in control, but in my head I was beginning to feel completely out of control. I was worried we would get to triage and be told I was only 3 or 4cm and be sent home like I was with Nathan so many times.

We got to the elevator and went to the 4^th floor at Meriter Hospital and got to the triage room. I used the bathroom and then the nurse (who was amazing just like all the nurses I had) checked me for dilation. I was a stretchy 8! I was immediately admitted and I breathed a sigh of relief. It also gave me the reassurance that I did that much laboring on my own at home and was handling contractions well and I was reaching transition! Peter was very stable and I felt him move often during all of this, but I knew he was still posterior.

I was asked again if I wanted a wheelchair to get to my labor and delivery room. I again said no, because for me movement was key to getting me my baby. When we got to the room the nurse started filling the labor tub and I used the toilet, but while I was on the toilet I had a massive contraction and felt the familiar pressure of feeling of the baby descend. At this time my doctor (Dr. Schurr from Physicians for Women) came in to check on me and heard me breathe/moan a bit through that contraction and when it was over she came in and said something along the lines of possibly not using the tub because I sounded like I wouldn’t be in there long (It was meant to be a tub to labor in, not give birth). I was 100% fine with this because I was actually thinking the same thing through that contraction. During early labor at home I took a couple showers to stay clean and to help me through my back labor (the wonders of hot water directed to my back), so it was a little disappointing knowing that I wouldn’t get that type of relief again for my labor. (With Nathan, my water broke while I was relaxing in the tub and part of me was counting on something similar, but I also knew I hated having to get out of the water to push and being cold, then incredibly hot while pushing).

So I labored a lot on the birth ball after being checked again for dilation (I was at a 9). I made sure to circle my hips during and after contractions as I leaned against pillows at the edge of the bed. I knew Peter was still posterior and I was getting concerned that he wouldn’t turn. These contractions were changing fast. I could feel the pressure getting more and more out of control, but everyone kept saying that I didn’t look like I was a mom laboring with a posterior baby. I took the compliment gladly and gave me the confidence that I was doing really well, even if I was thinking about how maybe an epidural would be nice even though I knew it was too late and I never would want one anyways (that’s why I never vocalized my thoughts while in transition, I knew I didn’t mean them). I also was thinking a lot about how I was worried about losing more control and wanting to turn back. These are all common thoughts in transition for moms who choose to go unmedicated. I never had these thoughts while laboring with my first son, so it was a new experience. I was also getting very nauseous and after sipping water and Gatorade between contractions and having two small “bites” of a honey stick I decided I was done with trying to get nourishment into me (minus the much needed water).

I could tell contractions were still a lot in my back and that the baby was readily moving lower and lower (the nurse did a lot of intermittent monitoring which was nice not to be tethered to the bed , but the hand Doppler was very distracting to me while I labored). Everyone could tell when my contractions began to change even more and I was beginning to feel pushy because my low vocalizations were getting a little louder and would peak. My contractions at this time felt on top of each other. They would build starting in my front, radiating to my back for a few seconds, then hit me hard all over at the peak and then fade, but never truly leave before another came. I tried to use the fading part to move when needed to change positions or to the bed to get checked again at this point for dilation, I was still a 9, but almost there. Schurr kept asking if my contractions were still in the back, and I kept saying yes because it was true, but honestly, they were everywhere. Tammy reminded me to relax and visualize my cervix opening and Peter turning to the optimal position, which helped a lot.

At this point it was asked if I wanted to labor on my left side with my leg hanging off the bed and my hips stacked on top of each other to really encourage Peter to turn. I was a little timid about the idea, only because I knew from experience that my contractions were going to be a new whole level of out of control…and I was right. I was only on my side for a few contractions, but they were undeniably full of pressure and pain, but I did my best to relax and breathe and hold onto my husband’s hand for comfort and Tammy held my hips up. I felt Peter turn! I loved feeling him move at this time, but oh. My. Goodness! It wasn’t comfortable and then pop and gush! My water broke (clear fluid) and within that moment I felt him turn to the best position and I had an instant urge to push. I didn’t wait for anyone; I could not control this urge at all and knew I was listening to my body. The doctor was shocked and hurried to get gloves and a gown on because baby was coming quickly (water broke at 12:05pm). Schurr at this time was calm and surprised but told me that in the position I was currently in (my side) that Peter was going to come way too quickly and I would most likely suffer another tear like I had with my first (a fourth degree). Even though it was agony in the midst of my pushing and contractions, everyone helped me to move to the position she wanted me in to really minimize tearing and Peter coming too quickly. I was on my back, but it felt right, and everyone helped guide my legs and body to be where they needed (because I was in no way wanting to move at this point). I breathed a bit for some contractions, but mostly it was full blown pushing, but it did not feel like how I pushed with my first. With Nathan I felt lost. I didn’t know what my body needed; now I know what people mean when they say your body will know. I knew when to hold back pushes without the doctor telling me (though it was a good reminder since Peter was still coming too quickly). I could feel a warm compress (at least I imagined it was, I need to confirm this info). I pulled on Daniel’s hand during the pushing part in order to gain some leverage. I also constantly reminded myself to use low tones to birth my baby.

While pushing I was told to reach down and feel Peter’s head and I loved that moment. I felt him descend and I could feel the typical burn of a vaginal delivery. It was wonderful and difficult to feel at the same time. I remember praying for Peter to come faster that Nathan did and that prayer was answered. After 15 minutes of pushing, Peter entered the world at 12:20pm. I felt his head exit, and then his body twist and he slid right out. I absolutely love that instant relief when the baby comes out. The pressure disappeared and all was suddenly right in the world. I always am impressed with the way the belly just sinks when the baby leaves the uterus. I noted that with each of my full term births. Peter was born with his hand to his face. We were surprised I didn’t tear even more.

Peter was placed on my chest to begin skin to skin. With Nathan I was tired after a three day labor and five hours of pushing and though I felt the love, I also was too tired to have many emotions immediately, but with Peter, with Peter I felt that instant love. I shed a couple tears of Joy and looked at my boy on my belly. This was all short lived. They whisked him away within minutes because his breathing was ragged. I didn’t get to hold him again for over 24 hours. I didn’t get to see him again for hours after as well. The pediatricians came in and let us know he was going to go to the NICU. He just came too fast and didn’t get a chance to clear his air ways. His lungs were filled with gunk, fluid, and we also learned they were inflamed from a later x-ray. Every time they took oxygen off of him he would struggle to breathe and his levels would rapidly decrease. He was using his entire body to breathe. While being sewed up I could see Peter in the incubator being worked on (Daniel by his side). All I could see were Peter’s balls and penis. Haha! They are a decent size (not that you need to know, but that was what crossed my mind). Peter was eventually weighed and measured at 9lb and 21 inches. I can’t remember his head size, but they said it was big (90 something percentile).

Doctor Schurr told me I got a shallow 2^nd degree tear this time and a skid mark. I was thrilled. Beyond thrilled!!! Compared to my fourth degree, this 2^nd degree has been a Godsend and a breeze. It’s still hard and I still have a recovery, but Daniel was surprised to hear I could walk and sit on my own and willingly (he left with Peter to be with him in the NICU while I was stitched up and taken care of).

I really am sad we missed skin to skin. I always cherished the moment Nathan latched for the first time, especially since we ended up exclusively pumping, I still have the memory of him crawling to my breasts and latching. This time I got to get an inkling of overwhelming love for Peter and he was taken away. I did get to say goodbye and touch his arm before he left for the NICU though. Let me just say, NICU moms are brave. I always knew that, but I want to hug them all. I did not expect to have my full term baby taken away from me to have him poked and prodded.

Without my baby with me, being sewed up and getting my uterus massaged right after the birth was really hard for me. I was shaking from the adrenaline rush and my mind wasn’t as distracted as I wanted it to be (like when you are holding your newborn). While Daniel was gone I did have some large clots and a larger bleed, but the doctor and nurse helped me through that very well (but wow did those massages hurt). Tammy ordered me food to eat (a turkey sandwich, fries, and an oatmeal cookie).  She hand-fed me while I was pumping and also brought food up to Daniel to eat. I was beginning to worry about my breastfeeding relationship at this point. Tammy also got my placenta picked up for me so Caleah could encapsulate it (Caleah brought it over on June 8^th and we had a great visit, Tammy also visited me a day later to check on me. Dr. Cardwell has visited me twice to check on me and hear an update on our baby).

I then was wheeled up to the NICU to see how Peter was doing. I held him 24 hours later for the real first time. I wasn't aloud to breastfeed him then, so it was stressful on him because he wanted to nurse, so I let Daniel hold him for the first time while I watched. I was worried about a breastfeeding relationship, but when I finally was able to nurse him (when his breathing was regulated) he did really well.

One thing I mentioned to Daniel after having Peter was how before I went into labor my thoughts actually turned to the NICU. I had random thoughts about the possibility of having a baby that struggled early on. I pushed those thoughts away quickly, almost laughing at the idea because it felt so stupid thinking about a full term baby that has always been healthy in the NICU. I wonder if those thoughts were Heavenly Fathers gentle nudge to prepare me mentally for the possibility. Another thing I prayed for before labor started was for Peter to get in the perfect position for birth. I knew he was posterior weeks before labor and I tried and tried to turn him. Then I labored the entire time with him being posterior. I prayed during labor for him to turn. And then he did, last minute. It made me realize that patience is needed and prayers are answered in God’s time (though I would have loved to be spared the back labor). I also prayed to feel an instant love for our baby since it took time with Nathan and me. I felt that love, especially during our first nursing session. 

The NICU stay is another story altogether, but this was his birth story, It was hard, but I loved every moment. He is my Peter. He is my boy. Nathan loves him to pieces and I couldn't be happier with how everything turned out. God is full of tender mercies and this birth experience was extremely healing.

Waiting Game

Well, 40weeks+..it's now a waiting game for Peter. I still have prodromal labor, lots of it! But that isn't news to me at all. I have come to terms that I will just be that lady that has annoying prodromal labor all the time. This time around I also have been eating dates so maybe that will help my labor. Time will tell.

At my appointment yesterday I expressed concerns that he was moving much less for the past couple days (babies still move a lot before they come, just movement change. I wasn't even feeling him during the day and only right before bed for a short time). Babies hate monitors so that got him moving really quick! Everyone was more interested in my contractions. I think they were convinced I was going to have the baby that day! haha. I just laughed and told them my contractions have always been regular time intervals no matter how hydrated I am...it's the normal for me. I refuse cervical checks (my doctors don't do them unless I want them anyways), so I don't know if the contractions are doing anything and honestly, it doesn't matter. Women came go from being thick and not dilated to having the baby in the same day or alternatively, be walking around at a 4 and have the baby a month later.

This past week has been us trying (key word trying) to keep up with all the annoying chores you have to do daily and also taking Nathan out as much as possible. We went to the zoo and the children's museum and we spend a lot of our time on walks, at parks, or enjoying our backyard (we have a sprinkler, baby pool, and sandbox he loves). We even got our garden in this year!

I am fairly excited for labor. I am ready for Peter to come. Nathan is still cutting his canines and they are bothering him, but I think the worse of that teething is over (and he is back to being his sweet self most of the time. Can I say how much I love Nathan "fish" kisses?). I am ready to see Nathan as a big brother. I am ready as I will ever be for recovery (my past recovery was hell, absolute hell to be blunt).

I have prayed hard for Nathan to be kept safe and protected while I leave him in the care of others while Daniel and I go through the intimate process of bringing our next child to this world. I have been filled with peace that all will be as it should be and we will be alright. Fear of the unknown is one of my biggest fears, but what I have come to love (and hate at times) about pregnancy and childbirth, is that it really isn't in your hands. Yes, you can prepare for all circumstances and educate yourself, but in the end, I have to leave everything in God's capable hands.

I love the book "the Gift of Giving Life." I often read it during my precious down times, but I can only read a few short chapters before I am on the verge of crying because I feel the peace and love from my Savior so strongly. I can't wait to go into labor again and feel this perfect love profoundly. I can't wait to feel angels holding me up in my deepest time of need just like an angel supported our Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane. How grateful I am for the Gospel and knowledge I do have.

Daniel recently gave me a night alone in a hotel in order for me to sleep (Nathan had been waking up every hour the entire week and I needed to have a night with little disturbances). I ended up staying up later that night reading the scriptures and I must of read the account of Jesus blessing the Nephite children more than I ever have. That chapter filled me with joy that our children are loved and cherished in more ways then we will ever know. It made me feel closer to Peter than any time in the pregnancy and it was that moment I began feeling ready to tackle the challenges of being a mom of two earthly children.

So now we wait!

Notes for myself: comparing pregnancies

Today has been a rough day. I seem to be having more of them lately. I am pretty sure Nathan is cutting more teeth (please can they come before the baby?!) and I'm not feeling well (headaches and prodromal labor) which make toddler tantrums 1,000,000% more impossible to handle. Luckily I have support in Daniel. Seriously, a great spouse is key to survive any trial.

That aside, I am actually extremely happy! If I compare my two full term pregnancies, this one has been amazing! I have kept to just under 30 pound weight gain at 37+ weeks (I gained 50 with Nathan). I even started at a much healthier weight with this pregnancy so I just hit my pre-pregnancy weight for when I got pregnant with Nathan (granted my weight loss was due to an over-supply which led to starvation while dealing with a colicky baby and then methotrexate for my ectopic pregnancy last June...has it been a year already?).

This pregnancy I am not on bedrest and I am much more active chasing our rambunctious toddler around all day. I had spd in my last pregnancy (the worst possible pain in the pelvic region, imagine feeling like you are being ripped apart with each movement). This pregnancy I've had worse hyperemesis and nausea in general. I've also had kidney stones this pregnancy. I had prodromal labor with Nathan starting at about 36 ish weeks (had him at 40w4d). This baby I have had prodromal labor since 28 weeks. BH started at 9 weeks...yes...9 weeks pregnant. Seriously bh have been annoying this time around. I have also struggled with depression during this pregnancy as well as being much more hormonal (I barely cried while pregnant with Nathan). Both pregnancies I've suffered with reflux (the kind where I wake up vomiting in my mouth, yeah you definitely wanted to know about that haha). With Nathan I also had blood pressure that was threatening to become too high and swollen hands and feet. This time around I have normal to low blood pressure and I only get swollen when active out in the heat.

Overall though, I am incredibly happy that I do not have spd this time around! I can actually pick up my 34 pound 19 month old without being uncomfortable. I can get in and out of a car with no pain (let alone getting in and out of a bed). I can walk 5 feet without wanting to cry. I just feel more lively this time around.

I really need to get another picture for an update, but I never remember when I am wearing something nicer than yoga pants and a t-shirt.

I am also grateful for a husband who treats me well. He helps me feel great about the changes pregnancy brings to my body and mind. He tells me he loves my stretch marks (and honestly, I absolutely love them too). I don't know what I did to deserve him. I can't wait to see him become a dad again for the 5th time (if you count angels and earthly children).

I already worry about ppd. I had it after Nathan and I chose not to get treatment, but looking back it was miserable, lonely, and I don't want to experience it again. This time around we are hoping to have a summer filled with family and friends to combat some of the depression if possible. Mostly I worry about how Nathan will reacte to seeing his mom go through something so common but also so misunderstood. And that brings me back to what I said at the beginning of this post, a great spouse is key to survive any trial, and I know I have his support through everything.

I will be Master of my Fears

I reached my next pregnancy goal last week! After 24 weeks for viability I look forward to 32 weeks, well now I'm 33 weeks (my next goal is 35-36 weeks). I officially got my diagnoses for all my problems the past couple weeks: kidney stones. I hear they are more painful in men, so to my man friends, I'm deeply sorry if you have experienced them. They weren't a walk in the park being pregnant either and I hope to never have them again.

Speaking of parks, the weather is becoming gorgeous!!! I am also getting to the point where long walking trips or chasing a toddler around a field for a half hour exhaust me and trigger lovely bh contractions. We can see the park from our back window and Nathan points to it everyday.

I've also lost my appetite again. I never feel 100% with eating during my pregnancies, but I'm back to the point where everything sounds horrific. I look forward to eating again after having Peter.

While pregnant with Nathan I wrote about my fears during that pregnancy. I think I pinned down my major fears for this one. I feel like my day gets away from me and I don't set aside the time I should for sincere, deep prayers to my Heavenly Father. I'm beat by the end of the day that when I do start saying my prayers I fall asleep before I'm even finished. So today, while Nathan was sweetly asleep against my chest I poured my soul out. I'm glad Nathan didn't wake because by the end his little head was soaked with my tears of love for him and comfort for me.

My first fear is the transition for Nathan. I know people do it all the time. I will miss spending one on one time with him. I also worry about leaving him when I go into labor. We have people who are willing to watch him, but most of those people I have never met and I have an extremely difficult time dropping my boy off with strangers for who knows how long and then when I see him next his whole world will change. This is one of the times I wish we lived close to family. Nathan has only ever known Daniel and myself. He doesn't know what grandparents are. He doesn't know what aunts, uncles, and cousins are. And he won't for a long time. We can't just up and visit family all the time. Sometimes we need people to come to us, which I know is really, really hard. Trust me, we know! We are always the ones to go and it is stressful because of the time, money, and effort (and vacation time used for the traveling). I got sidetracked here...my fear is how my little boy will transition and leaving him when I need to go to the hospital.

My second fear is tearing (thus having a rough recovery). With Nathan my recovery was horrendous. I can't imagine going through that recovery with a toddler who won't understand why mom can't do anything at all. I don't care if I tear a little, I just don't think I can handle the complications and recovery that a 4th degree brings. I didn't even get to enjoy Nathan's first months because I couldn't even care for him. It would be the biggest tender mercy to have an easier recovery so that I can transition Nathan, Daniel, Peter, and myself as smoothly as possible.

I am grateful that I don't fear labor. I never have. I actually look forward to the contractions and the exhilaration of meeting my pure little baby boy. I have a great support team (doula and husband). When I gave birth to Nathan I felt that I was surrounded by all my future children. I look forward to that feeling of being close to the ones I have lost and also the ones I have not had the chance to carry yet. I also look forward to feeling closer to the Atonement. I love thinking about the sacrifice of our Savior during labor and delivery.

My third and last fear is nursing and ties. Nathan had a tight lip tie and a posterior tongue tie. He eventually wouldn't take bottle or breast and we got them released. I know many people say they can nurse with ties and everything went peachy for them, but my son wouldn't eat it was that bad. With Peter I want those taken care of immediately if possible. I want to nurse him. I am a firm believer in the benefits of breast milk. Nathan still drinks a little frozen breast milk a day thanks to my oversupply while exclusively pumping. Exclusively pumping was hard with a colicky baby and recovering from my tear. I remember the first months I would pump standing up each time because I couldn't sit and then we would feed Nathan, and finally wash the bottle parts. It was a lot of work. If I pumped for Peter I would be a slave to the pump again and also take precious time I could be having with Nathan to pump and feed the baby. So much double and triple work. I am willing to do it again though. I just hope Peter and I have a better breastfeeding relationship from the beginning.

So those are my fears that I am working to become master over. And I will defeat them. Time will tell how they go and if the worse of my fears occur, I will meet them when they do and grow from them, like I have with all my trials. That's why I love the Gospel. I don't believe that we are given things we can handle. I believe God gives us trials and tribulations that are above us, because only then will we fall on our knees to come closer to Him. I am counting on building that relationship with Him as well as building a firmer relationship with my dear husband to tackle anything that challenges us. I really am stoked to meet mt Peter. He has a budding personality already. He flips breech to head down at least once a day (ouch to me), and constantly has the hiccups. He is strong and I love him more than he will ever know.

Beginning to see the Light

Wow. these past two weeks have been awful. Awful, awful, awful!

I've had some problems with contractions, bleeding, UTI, possible small kidney stones, and just plain old exhaustion. I feel like all of that is finally calming down (and my cold that I had during that time is gone too). While going through that, Daniel had to pull 12 hour days at work for a huge project. Even when he was home he was often at the computer working or checking his e-mails. Then on top of that, Nathan got sick with a diarrhea bug, which turned into a small cold, which turned into a double ear infection. I was put on temporary bed rest to control the contractions and feeling horrible I had to take care of a sick Nathan, which meant I wasn't doing bed rest at all. I needed help so very badly, but I don't feel right asking for child care when my child is sick (which is often when we all need the help the most, right?). Our house became a disaster zone. We had to cancel our Temple trip which depressed me. Our subletter fell through as well, so we are stuck paying mortgage and rent.

Everything peaked this week when Nathan's temperature spiked dangerously and screamed all day long. We took him to the doctor and got antibiotics for him (I hate antibiotics, especially for developing digestive systems like Nathan's). I am grateful for medications though because he is almost normal again. He is napping again and sleeping better at night (better than being up every hour on the hour). I felt extremely blessed that my bleeding calmed down quickly and contractions let up even though I couldn't take care of myself at all because Nathan had my whole attention. The pain I was in became bearable eventually. I felt the love of our Heavenly Father, knowing He was lifting me up and giving my body the help I needed to care for my family, even if I still felt like I was failing miserably.

Daniel's project should be turned in soon. I am feeling a lot better. Nathan just has to finish his course of antibiotics but he is better. Everything seemed to calm down all at once, just in time for General Conference weekend. Now if only the weather could make up its mind so we can get much needed grocery shopping done.

Peter has been great through this all. He never made me truly worry. In fact, I'm terribly sore all over because he kicks really hard all day long. He is constantly moving. 31+ weeks today. 9-11 more weeks till we meet this sweet boy. I am overjoyed feeling this baby. With how much I hate pregnancy, I love it as well and know what a blessing it is. My pregnancies are rough and scary, but I am eternally grateful that I am able to carry these children (even the ones I have lost are special to me).

We have nothing really ready for this baby yet. We don't need to do much, just dig out Nathan's old things really (which is scattered everywhere from the move). It's still going to take a lot of time and energy to collect and wash everything. We need to get diapers. We plan to cloth again eventually for Peter (Nathan is in disposables now). I don't like our washer and dryer and we need a water softener so I want to wait to cloth until we get that out of the way. We still haven't unpacked a couple of our rooms yet and our garage is a disaster. All stuff we want done before sweet Peter comes. Oh, and Daniel and I need more date nights haha (because we know those will be much fewer after the baby comes).

Thank you for all those who have prayed for us during these past weeks we have struggled. I know your prayers were heard. :)

27 weeks with Peter

27 weeks and tired. We chose to move during my second trimester with the hope that I would have more energy to get stuff done, but mostly the packing part was me sitting on the bed, drinking water (because contractions), and watching Daniel pack our belongings. Watching him pack was exhausting. The week of the move I helped a lot more and I did a lot of unpacking help...too much most likely. Then Daniel up and left me to fend for myself and take care of the new house with Nathan in tow and Peter kicking away all day and night (because, you know, job obligations). I'm tired. So...Very...Tired.

But! The move is done. We have a beautiful house and Nathan seems at home. In fact, I think he absolutely loves this place. He loves playing on our hard wood floors (and I cringe every time hoping the sippy cup he threw to the floor for the millionth time doesn't dent the floor), he loves his playroom, and he is eating more since we have settled down. It has been nice being able to get him back into a routine. I am able to remember to brush his teeth, I love cooking again (thus more food options for him), and the dogs have calmed down as well.

And by the time we are completely settled, Peter will come into this world loud and clear to happily disrupt our normal. Now we need to prepare for his arrival.

I have felt blessed during this pregnancy. With Nathan I had many random complications. I was in and out of labor and delivery and worried about making it to term. This baby I've had some problems, but I am able to do more. We are almost to the third trimester and every day he stays cooking is another great day! I have had lots of contractions this pregnancy, but I also have just started to be able to drink enough water to calm them down (leading me to believe they are from stress and dehydration more than anything more out of my control). I have also gone off zofran for almost 2 weeks! Glorious, glorious days of no zofran!!!! I still take unisom and b6 religiously, but one medication down, one more to go!!!

Viability Day and Our Name Choice!

I'm not going to write much. This weekend I've been feeling pretty out of it and hoping it's just a UTI I can get diagnosed at my doctors appointment tomorrow (Monday).

I have more milestones in a pregnancy than a normal one. My first milestone is making sure the baby is in my uterus and not ectopic. The second is to make sure after blood tests and ultrasounds that my baby is growing correctly and has a heartbeat in the first trimester. My next milestone is going off progesterone at 12 weeks pregnant. After that they are a little more normal, like when the baby first really starts to kick and when I start feeling like a human being again (which this last one takes longer than most people and I never am able to get off my meds...bummer).

My real next milestone is viability day. It's the day I finally can sit back and breathe. Many people have this day come and go and not realize it or care. For me, I celebrate. I even stayed up till midnight (not on purpose) and smiled, patted Peter and then was able to go to bed knowing that if something happened I could say I am 24 weeks along and doctors would try to give my child a chance at life. This pregnancy was a bit frustrating because my due date varies by nearly a week, so I could have been writing this earlier last week. I choose to go by my latest due date so that I can go as long as I can at the end of pregnancy without being pressured to induce.

Before viability day if people asked me about the pregnancy I would answer, but in the back of my head I would always add "if the baby is a take home baby." I guess I'm a bit of a downer when it comes to pregnancy. But at this stage I become much more positive and I actually start planning and dreaming. Luckily, Peter is bouncing away to reassure me. He likes to kick my bladder because he is still breech and has been thus far. I'm not terribly worried since he has lots of time to turn, but I don't want him to get comfortable being head up.

Oh, and I'm sure you noticed that we named him. I like to name my babies before they are born so that I can bond with them and I can talk about them like a human being that they are. I also think it makes the pregnancy more real for family and friends who live away from us (which is like, everyone). So this baby's name is Peter Myron Gunnell. Named after the apostle and one of Daniel's grandparents.

Unrelated baby news for those who don't ever see us include picking a doula (yay) and the fact that we will close on our first house at the end of this month (bonus, we have a spare room so please come visit)! News about Nathan: he says a ton of words now. I'm a little embarrassed that he says "don't touch that." He will be 17 months old in a few days and is a great joy in our lives. I am nervous but excited to see him as a big brother.

I guess I did write a lot for not feeling well. :) I guess I'm a talker.

20 Week Update Baby #2

I'm still feeling cruddy, BUT I feel like a human being again (on medications) and I will be forever grateful for that. I am feeling well enough to sit and enjoy this boy kicking me and think about when he will join our family. I am beginning to feel more bonded with him and we are occasionally thinking about names. We may have even picked his name already, but just waiting to see if it passes the test of daily use around the house. I can eat one meal a day at least but then I feel sick the rest of the day, but I am just happy to be able to eat and sometimes even drink part of the time. Acid reflux, like with Nathan, is already kicking my butt.

This pregnancy has also been difficult because I watch Nathan all day, but I love both my boys and I will do all I can for them (even if I am wiped out by noon). Nathan is growing up so fast. He knows about 40 signs now! I can't believe it! All that watching Signing Time while I was puking my guts out really worked out. It makes me feel like the TV time wasn't the end of the world because he gained a whole new way to communicate (just validating my mom guilt).

He also will tolerate and ask for Daniel Tiger now (thank goodness because I am bored of Signing Time). His favorite words are "up, bubbles, tuba, and yeah." He loves giving kisses and hugs and his favorite things in the world are the dogs. When he wakes up for a nap the first thing he asks for are the dogs. If the dogs aren't around he cries. He loves his dad and one of my favorite parts of the day is when Daniel comes home and the dogs go crazy and Nathan runs around the house like a crazy child yelling "DADA!" It melts my heart every time. He also likes watching football (Who's child is this?).

This week is going to be busy. We are waiting for news about a potential house, I have my anatomy scan, and I am starting my doula hunt. All exciting (and stressful) things!!!

All in all, I'm in love. My toddler is wonderful even when he is a handful. My growing baby is a blessing and miracle that I ponder about when I'm not chasing Nathan down the hall. And Daniel. Daniel is my support, my rock, and my life line. He has never failed to make me smile or even laugh when I feel like crying. He takes Nathan when I have had it physically, mentally, and emotionally for the day without complaint. He is more than I could have ever hoped for. I am grateful for my trials in life to bring me closer to my family and to Heavenly Father as well. I feel blessed during my trials and so very loved and guided.

One day I will get around to taking a belly picture...one day, but not this day, or tomorrow....

It's a....

We are beyond thrilled to announce we are having a..........

Hyperemesis Drama

What is hyperemeis gravidarum? That is the question I get the most these days. The simple definition that I tell most people is that it is extreme morning sickness. But that is by far the biggest understatement I've ever said. It feels almost like a lie.

So what is hyperemesis? It's feeling like death. It's a living hell. It's breathing and existing, but simultaneously not. It's being burdened with the largest amount of guilt. It's watching life move on without you. It's not being able to do what you enjoy. It's quite a lot like depression in that way.

But how do I really feel? My days often go like this: I wake up, I swallow whatever pills that I need to take in the morning, I pray that they stay down because the moment I leave my bedroom and step into the front room I am overwhelmed with the smell of my apartment and I can't stand it at all.

I sit on the couch while Daniel gets Nathan and himself ready for the day, He leaves for work by 9am because I spend a half hour telling him how miserable I am and how I want him to stay home because I can't do this alone another day, I complain that I've become the biggest whiner in the history of whiners, Daniel finally leaves, I attempt play with Nathan which ends up with me in a bucket or huddled against the couch praying that I won't throw up and that Nathan won't poop.

I change poopy diapers and throw it out on our balcony. I congratulate myself if I haven't thrown up yet, Nathan then begs me for signing time (he signs for it), I turn it on while feeling the guilt that he spends hours a day watching it (I'm sick of watching signing time), he watches me for most of the episodes because he likes me to sing and sign the songs and most times I try to do my best.

I try to put on a smile for my son. I end up crying with how overwhelmed I am with not being able to play or care for my son the way I should. I feed Nathan and try not to throw up while giving him foods then I bathe him because I can't stand the smell of food on him. I sit for an hour asking him to let me change his poopy diaper again but he refuses to let me change him without chasing him. Chasing him makes me sick.

I attempt to put him down for a nap which can take multiple attempts and when he is finally down he sleeps for half an hour and wakes up screaming. This kid has never been a great napper. I kiss his injuries, I hug him, I sing to him, I try to make life as normal as possible, I suck it up all for my son, and when Daniel comes home late I cry again.

When Daniel does come home I either sit on the couch trying not to talk (talking, movement, and light makes me sick) or enclose myself in my bedroom which means I am not seeing Nathan play and interact. Daniel does all the chores, errands, and care for Nathan when he is home. At night I gag down my cocktail of pills and try to sleep but I also worry about what the next day will hold.

A zofran day is nearly the same thing except I can play with Nathan just a little bit more. I can talk just a little bit more. I drink a little bit more. But zofran days have their own added bonuses of debilitating migraines and constipation (which is hard to fix when you can't eat or drink and stool softeners decide to not work very well). I go days off of zofran to help me feel better in those ways, but then I am not able to move or talk without being sick. I can't win.

I've decided that my next baby I am begging for iv therapy. I should of had that for this baby. I should be going to get iv fluids a couple times a week at least, but my experience at urgent care was so negative I can't bring myself to go there again.

Next to the guilt of not being able to care for my family is the feeling of inadequacy when I realize people think I have normal morning sickness. It seems like I am the only one who can't handle life and pregnancy. Even after I explain how I have felt for the past 15 weeks they still don't understand. No one can unless you have gone through this. I get a lot of "how are you feeling today" and "hope you feel better soon" like it's a cold. I get sick of telling people after this long that it isn't getting better. This question makes me feel like I am asking for attention or sympathy when I say I'm still not feeling well. It makes me feel like I am weak. I am NOT asking for attention. I am an introvert. I prefer to be alone, so it is so hard for me to ask for help and have people around all the time. Trust me, this is no where near attention seeking. I feel guilty asking for help.

Meals mean leftovers, which then means I can't go near the kitchen till they are gone or watch while it is being eaten. Though it is a double edged sword because meals feed my son and husband! I appreciate the meals we have received.

There are those who have come to help with Nathan for an hour or two here or there and I am grateful, bonus points to those who don't make me feel like I am useless and uplift me instead! I love those who have dropped by (with a text or call) and given me things I need without me asking! The beauty of doing service for someone without being asked! Seriously it makes my day and makes me feel loved! I've felt isolated and alone and like a nuisance so any help from people without me asking is welcomed.

I'm praying I will begin to feel better by the beginning of January. I need to come to terms that this pregnancy is harder than it was with Nathan. I need to come to terms that I am alone in this other than my wonderful husband, the few people who have shown compassion, and our Heavenly Father.

Daniel asked me if I would change anything we did. No. Every pregnancy was planned for. All five of them. It hasn't been easy for me constantly being pregnant and losing babies. It's not easy not being able to enjoy the pregnancies that do become successful ones. My body is tired. My heart is tired.

I am grateful for this little baby growing inside me everyday. I think of my friends who have struggled more than me everyday and feel awful for complaining. I know the gift I have.

We just need love. Help us to feel loved. That's all we ask, because right now I feel like I am drowning.

12 weeks and miserable

I’ve been asked a couple times lately about whether or not I’ve been blogging this pregnancy like I did with Nathaniel. I haven’t, but I should because I put these blog posts in my journal when I don’t get the chance to write. And today I looked back at my blog posts from my last successful pregnancy to gauge when my hyperemesis became livable and was saddened to see that I didn’t post progress till 18 to 20 weeks pregnant (while still being medicated).

But if I hadn’t blogged I wouldn’t have remembered when my silver lining might return (though every pregnancy is different). I read back to when I stopped progesterone with Nathan, confiding my worries for miscarriage and my hopes of feeling better off the hormones, but it seems the same as last time, I still feel like hell.

This pregnancy is different though because I was high risk through most of the first trimester due to my ectopic pregnancy last June (2015) and my miscarriage history. The moment my pregnancy test showed an inkling of a positive I got an appointment with my new doctors. These doctors recently had three patients with rupturing ectopic pregnancies this past summer, so when I mentioned that word, they began game planning on my care. They took my blood every two days for a while to monitor my hcg. They also threatened many times with removing my right tube if my pregnancy was located there again. The first blood draw resulted in a mere 7 (barely considered pregnant). The doctor called and told me he was trying to be optimistic, but he was worried about chemical pregnancy or ectopic. He said if the pregnancy ended in miscarriage I would get a full work up to see what was causing my problems, so even if this pregnancy turned south, I would have care provided and plans set in place.

My next blood draw my numbers were 35, more than doubled in two days! Things were looking up. My next blood draw after that my hcg was 260! More than doubling again! So a week later we scheduled my first ultrasound to determine the location of the baby.

I always get nervous for ultrasounds. I’ve not had many happy ones. I’ve seen my babies with strong heartbeats, only to lose them shortly later. My only happy ultrasounds were with Nathan and they felt foreign AKA normal. The day of this ultrasound I was stressed. I cried. I snapped at Nathan (it was not a good mom day).  I cried some more because of mom guilt. I kept saying “I don’t want to know if this pregnancy is in the correct spot or not, but I need to know, but I don’t want to know!” I was a mess.

The baby measured a week behind, but was in my uterus. So happy, but sad news since all the babies I’ve lost to miscarriage have measured behind (but I have a severely retroverted uterus and even with a transvaginal ultrasound it was still difficult to get measurements).  The next ultrasound was scheduled and I cried again before that appointment, but our baby (measuring 6w6d) had a heartbeat! This bean still measured behind, but was catching up. The next ultrasound was at 8w5d and the baby’s heartbeat was 170! He was still behind but not by much and my fears were lifted a bit. 

Since then I’ve had IV fluids, thrown up more times than I can count, and feel absolutely miserable. I recently went off my progesterone hormone supplements (which is a worrying time for me).

Today I checked for my baby’s heartbeat on my home Doppler. I was greeted with a beautiful sound. I am extremely sick with this baby, more so than I was with Nathan. I can’t get up or move without feeling sick, but to hear that little ‘thump thump thump’ was music to my sick and tired ears. I've also felt this baby since 9 weeks (small, barely noticeable flutters). Since 11 weeks (the time I was in Washington to visit family) I have actually been woken up with a strong (but rare) kick or two. And in the past few days I feel taps off and on all day. I love feeling the baby early!

I have been given dates for my due date ranging from June 1^st to June 4^th. I’ve chosen to go by the latter date in order to give my baby more time to grow at the end of my pregnancy just in case there is talk of induction. So going by that date I am 12w1d. 

Update and Ectopic Pregnancy

Let's get personal.

We have had many trials since his birth. I had a recovery that is still ongoing (fistula from 4th degree tear). Nathaniel had a tongue and lip tie that ended up giving him horrible silent reflux (he would swallow all his spit up down so he was gaining weight but miserable). Doctors kept telling me he was fine because he was gaining weight like a champ and ignored my plea that there was another underlying problem. My heart was set on a breastfeeding relationship. After 3 months of breastfeeding him a few times a day and pumping the rest, Nathan eventually went on a food strike (breast and bottle) because he was in a lot of pain from the reflux. Scared that he wasn't eating we finally got answers at a pediatric dentist and got his frenectomy done a couple weeks before we moved across country. He completely refused to breastfeed during the day by the time he re-learned how to eat. We still breastfed at night until my husband started work and we made the emotional decision to bottle feed from there on out because it was easier for Daniel to feed our son a bottle at night while I pumped. I have been exclusively pumping since. I still get emotional thinking about the time we spent breastfeeding. It was a stressful time, but cherished. I learned that bottle feeding my son breast milk was still beautiful and bonding. Watching him grow because of my milk has been rewarding, no matter the way he is being fed.

Nathan also suffered colic until he was 5-6 months old. He screamed and screamed. He wouldn't nap. He wouldn't eat. After the reflux/tie situation was fixed he was a happier baby and ate better, but still was colicky. I would shut ourselves in a dark bathroom, running the bathroom sink, singing hymns, sometimes crying with Nathan (who was mostly screaming at the top of his lungs), and bouncing/rocking/swaying my son to sleep. Those were hard times for me. Sometimes I would wonder why I wanted a child so badly if I ended up being such a bad parent, unable to take care of one baby. It was only after I found support from other parents with colicky children that I realized that I wasn't a bad parent, but instead I was amazing! When Nathan was asleep for a total of 20 minutes or less, I would pump leaving me with no true break for myself. I had heard of colic before having Nathan. I had heard the stories of what parents called "hell" and even the scary stories of parents/caretakers killing their babies (there were a few of those stories in the media at the time). I had heard the stories of colic, but didn't understand. Now I do. I empathize for those parents. I cry for them. It is the worse feeling when you do everything you can and still end up short.

Though Nathan's nap times were a struggle, I also found peace in those moment while I bounced him in the bathroom. Those were the moments I prayed the hardest, pled the most, and felt overwhelming love and support from our Heavenly Father. It was in those moments that I felt the most love for my beautiful baby boy. Looking back, colic was horrible, but twistedly wonderful because I grew as a person. I have incredible devotion for my miracle baby.

So it may have come as a surprise after reading those struggles that we had ended up pregnant 8 months postpartum (was due January 2016). It wasn't a surprise baby for us. During those bathroom moments I felt strongly that it was time to try for another. I pushed those thoughts away for months. We just had a baby! Why would we want another so soon! But personal revelation was relentless.

After much praying we decided to leave everything in God's hands. We got pregnant right away. But I had thought it was lost early on (chemical pregnancy). I was sad for the early miscarriage, but life kept moving. But then, a few weeks later I started cramping and bleeding and I felt strongly to take another pregnancy test. Positive. Daniel was putting Nathan down for bed and I walked in quietly, showed him the test, and cried. We knew we were adding a third angel baby because I need progesterone from the beginning of a pregnancy and that much bleeding has never been a good sign for us.

We immediately went to the ER and were diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy (a pregnancy where the baby implants into the tubes). We got a large dose of Methotrexate (chemo) and were sent home after spending most of the night in the ER. We were supposed to give talks the next day at church, but instead decided to stay home. It was an emotional couple months as I lost weight, my hair fell out, and I was fatigued. I barely was able to care for our son. My hormone levels went down about 1.5-2 months after the chemo injection. I was truly blessed that I didn't need multiple doses and/or surgery to remove my right tube, but the doctors always mentioned it on the weekly phone calls giving me my blood result tests (so, so many blood draws). They were never happy with my numbers. Eventually we did get the call that the baby was officially terminated. I was finally no longer pregnant. Even though I know that baby would never have survived and had we not acted that I could have died, willingly choosing to inject my body with poison to kill our baby was a traumatic experience.

I had to dump my milk during the first week of chemo. That was emotionally difficult as well, but I was blessed with a large freezer storage of milk. During that time we began giving Nathan a bottle of formula once a day, every other day in order to stretch our freezer stash out a bit longer. During this hard time we had some help and even milk offers and I am grateful for that. Everyone was well-meaning when they said how I should "live for my son" and "be grateful for Nathan," but they don't understand. It was hard coming to terms with the loss since we had to care for our boy. It was a couple weeks after the chemo that Daniel and I were actually able to finally sit and talk about what just happened. 

This ectopic meant that I am high risk for more life threatening pregnancies. It means I really could have a lot of problems building my family. I have decided that if we have one more loss that I will get the surgery done to check for endometriosis (highly suspected), but we won't know for a while since we have to wait to try for kids because of the chemo that was in my system. I am grateful we were prompted to try sooner than we were ready because if we had started trying again when we had originally thought and gotten the ectopic, then we would have to wait even longer to have another baby.

I love my son. He is my life and my light. He is my joy. He is my miracle and the proof that my body can bring a live child earth-side. I will never be able to show him how much I love him, because it is not possible. I don't quite fear the future. I have peace leaving everything to Heavenly Father. He has never led me wrong. I know He has mourned with me each time we have lost a baby. I know He rejoices with us as we watch Nathan grow.

The Birth of Nathaniel Richard

Whenever I tell people my birth story I typically get asked two questions: Was the experience traumatizing and did I feel the tear? My answers are no and duh. I don't think many people believe my first answer and I have to admit, this scares and ultimately saddens me. Why do people believe that a difficult birth experience could be nothing less than scarring?! Why can't it be wonderful, beautiful, empowering, and the greatest love story of my life?! Why am I not believed when I say I am ready mentally to have another child right now if I wasn't recovering from a 4th degree tear?! Why do people tell me negative things about their labors after I say how wonderful mine was as if I couldn't possibly have enjoyed giving birth?! Hours after Nathan was born I remember thinking about how I am ready and super excited to do it all over again-- a month later and I am still on a birthing high because it was one of the greatest experiences of my life thus far. I have to admit though, I don't think I would feel so ready to go through labor and delivery again right away if it wasn't for the techniques I learned from my hypnobirthing course (curtis method, not just the mongan) and for my amazing support system (two absolutely amazing doulas and a loving husband).

Okay, now with the gritty and wonderful details:

The Friday before I went into labor I had my last prenatal appointment. At this appointment we saw Dr. Rees (who delivered our baby). I remember liking him a lot and I even talked football with him (which is very rare for me to do). He said I could have the baby anytime, but scheduled an induction for Sunday, September 21st if things didn't progress by then. I was beginning to worry that I would be induced because I really wanted to experience a natural birth. Dr. Rees asked me before we left the office if I was nervous or scared to go into labor. My reply was no! I told him how excited I was to finally have a baby (he knew my miscarriage history) and that I was only scared to get to the hospital in time, but otherwise no other worries at all. I credit hypnobirthing for this lack of fear. I had fears throughout my pregnancy about birth, but by the time I was full term I was ready mentally to birth our baby without fearing the what-ifs.

On Sunday (September 14th) I had been feeling contractions building for quite some time and had many false alarms previous to this day, but this day felt different. I canceled plans with my visiting teachers because I was tired and wanted to relax for the inevitable day. Daniel and I went to Applebees (miserable for me) and then for a long drive on the Alpine Loop. Maybe that wasn't the best idea if my labor was going to be a quick one because I remember being on the very top of the loop and telling Nathan to stay inside because I wasn't having a baby on the top of the mountain (though wouldn't that have been a cool story to tell if there wasn't any complications).

Sometime before I officially went into labor I asked Daniel for a priesthood blessing because I was afraid of being induced (cytotec scares the living daylights out of me). In his blessing I was told I would have the natural labor I desired, and sure enough I did. (let me just say I am extremely thankful for the comforts of priesthood blessings from a worthy husband).

Monday came around and so did the bloody show and definite labor as well. This was when one of my old fears I combated with my hypnobirthing fear release tracks reared its ugly head-- my fear of comparing labor with my miscarriages. The blood and contractions were so similar to losing my children. I knew it wasn't going to end the same and was able to quickly work past this fear. I think it was just that moment of reliving my losses. Once I moved past this obstacle I got excited and texted Daniel the news and told him to come home from work. We were going to have a baby soon! We thought we were going to have the baby that night or Tuesday morning with how much my contractions were progressing, but this baby had other ideas. Nathan was stubborn from the start and he wasn't going to make this easy for us. One of my friends even mentioned how Nathan sounded stubborn in the vision I had of him visiting me back in January 2013 because Nathan told me in that dream that he was ready and he wanted to come first. Nathan was not going to disappoint. Later Monday we went to Subway and I remember sitting and concentrating on contractions while Daniel got our food. I bet I looked awful to everyone coming in for the lunch rush.

I tried to sleep Monday night, but I just couldn't. My labor from beginning to end started in the front with the cramps/tightening and then radiated strongly into my lower back. Being on my left side (how I preferred to sleep while pregnant) made these contractions extremely strong and therefore I was awake the entire night. I am glad Daniel was able to sleep though because we didn't expect my labor to go as long as it did. I woke Daniel up around 2am and we went to the hospital (Timpanogos). My contractions at this point were 2 minutes apart and very strong. When we got there my labor stalled and I was upset about this because I knew it would just start up again right when we got back home. Our nurse at that time was Cori and I really liked her because she was considerate about doing things to me while I was having a contraction. We were sent home to labor.

We labored at home all Tuesday (a lot of people came over or called not knowing I was in labor) and finally late Tuesday I went back to the hospital (I did not feel comfortable laboring at home with contractions so strong and close). When we went in this time we once again had Cori as my nurse. Once again she was wonderful. Seriously if you want a nice nurse who respects natural birth at Timpanogos Regional, ask for Cori. My doulas asked about Daniel and mines story about how we met and got together for some feel good hormones. I loved talking during my labor and getting to know my doulas a little bit more. I was still not progressing as quickly as they wanted and my doulas (Laurel and Sarah) and I began speculating that it could be because I hadn't slept since Monday early morning and also felt too nauseous to eat. At this point it was at least 24 hours since I had slept. The nurse told me my labor was textbook and that it was good I came to the hospital (they normally would admit me at this point). She told me they wouldn't admit me because I wanted a natural labor, but if I wanted an epidural they would admit me right then and there.

What crap! I sometimes blame my long labor on being sent home so often because my biggest and pretty much only fear was not making it to the hospital in time and here they were telling me I should be in the hospital but to go home. I remember thinking, when should I come in?! My contractions were very close and getting stronger. If they had just admitted me I knew my body would feel safer and labor would have progressed much faster (when I was finally admitted Wednesday afternoon my labor was a normal 12 hour time frame and I account that for feeling safe and ready to give birth). We left the hospital for the second time and ordered Denny's so I could eat something, but I was feeling a little nauseous. The only thing that sounded good was a BLT. I took 3 bites of it when I got home. I tried to sleep but shortly after laying down I had stronger contractions and I jumped out of bed (as quickly as a laboring, huge pregnant woman could) and told Daniel I was going to hurl. He expertly grabbed a trash bin and put it in front of me just in time (some got on the floor and Daniel had to dump a lot of empty water bottles out before presenting me with the bin)! This was the only time I threw up during my labor. I ate some yogurt to put something light into my stomach after that.

We went to the hospital again deciding that laboring at home was getting frustrating because I couldn't sleep and that getting an epidural just to sleep might be the way to go (plus they said they would admit me if I got the epidural). I am grateful for my doulas helping me with their personal birthing stories about their experiences with epidurals. I felt very supported in all my decisions by Daniel and my hypnobirthing doulas (who were amazing with counter pressure!). When we got to the hospital we had Cori once again. I think she knew my heart was set on a natural birth and mentioned morphine and phenergan to help me get some sleep. My doulas were also aware of my desire for a natural birth and told me not to do an epidural if I would look back and regret it, so I decided against the epidural (glad I did, but I don't disapprove of them for those who choose that path, everyone's birth journey is unique). I received the shot and once again went home with the promise from my nurse that the next time I came in I would be able to stay since I was definitely very much in labor. Thank goodness! Every time I came into the hospital I was asked if I wanted a wheelchair. This makes me laugh because I refused each time, even if it did take me 5 or more minutes to walk to labor and delivery from the closest entrance (why take a wheelchair when moving is more productive and feels better!?)

I slept for 2 hours...2 disturbed, wake up every two minutes for a contraction then go back to sleep hours.We then labored at home till 11am Wednesday (17th) morning and went to the hospital for the fourth and last time! We met Laurel at the hospital and took a walk before going in, but it was getting hot outside so we only took a short walk around the hospital grounds. I didn't have Cori as my nurse this time and I was sad about that because my new nurses were not as considerate at first (until they read my birth plan, thank goodness for nurses and doctors who honor birth plans!!!) I got the lock put in my arm but not before the nurse in training missed multiple times while I was having strong contractions. That was intense! I was so grateful for Daniel and the doulas helping me through my back labor with counter pressure (even if it only worked part of the time and took just enough of the edge off the contractions). Shortly after I arrived I listened to a woman in the next room over give birth to her child. She screamed bloody murder! I felt bad for her (I was told she didn't get her epidural in time) and also began wondering if I would scream when the pushing stage came for me. I also wondered why people don't prepare for a natural birth even if they decide to go the epidural route since plans can change very quickly.

I eventually labored on a yoga ball, walking through the hallways, squatting, leaning forward...basically I wasn't confined to a bed and Nathan was only monitored for a short part of each hour. I loved that my birth plan was honored. My support made sure I was drinking often to stay hydrated (I didn't want to be attached to an IV the whole time). My support also constantly reminded me to stay focused and relaxed (smooth my face and to yoga breathe with low, loose tones).

Eventually the natural birthing room (with a jetted tub) opened up and we moved into that room! Before that I labored in a night gown I brought from home, but when I got into the tub I decided to just go naked! I guess I was already pass the point of caring who saw me naked. The tub was nice, but not as nice for me as some people described it. I was brought chicken broth and oh my goodness was it amazing to eat something!!! Shortly after inhaling some broth my water broke in the tub while I was squatting. I remember telling Daniel "I think my water broke, but with all the jets I am not very sure." But once I got out of the tub I knew for sure! I made my way to the bed and within an hour I was dilated to a ten (this was around 7pm Wednesday). I was so excited that we were going to have Nathan that day (thinking the pushing phase would not go 4 hours long). I went through 3 doctors at this time (Bennett, Drews, and Rees).

I began pushing in the squatting position since this felt the most natural and comfortable for me and baby. I was also told at this time that there was meconium in the amniotic fluid and the NICU team was brought in and getting ready for when Nathan arrived to give him assistance just in case he inhaled any into his tiny lungs. I was worried when I heard this, but I reminded myself that I was given a blessing telling me he would be safe many times throughout my pregnancy. I am grateful for the reassurance of the spirit during times of worry that Nathaniel would be strong and make it safely into this world.

I pushed for quite a long time with little progress. I account this to the fact that I let up on my pushes because I could hear Nathan's little heart rate go critically low during each push. So frustrating! Doctor Drews finally came in and checked me only to tell me that Nathan was not in a good position and to put me on oxygen because Nathan was struggling through each contraction. After adjusting Nathan I was told I was swollen from pushing so long with little progress and now had to push past a swollen cervix first and then everything else that was swollen. I was in for a lot of work! I had an amazing cheer team, but it was difficult for me feeling Nathan move down during contractions and then move back up in between when I was resting. (I typically slept in between contractions throughout my labor). I was extremely tired from lack of sleep and food, but I stayed hydrated. Daniel held my hand, my doulas reassured me I was doing a good job. I hated that stupid oxygen mask that kept falling off my face and scrunching into my eyes, but grateful that it kept Nathan safe.

The environment was so positive and loving. There came a point when I began feeling too physically weak to push and my doula mentioned that I should be given a blessing. Isn't it truly amazing being in Utah where it isn't awkward to be given a priesthood blessing while in labor! The room was peaceful and spiritual and I loved it! Daniel gave a beautiful blessing (while I pushed every couple minutes). I was re-energized and ready to push, though I admit, I prayed constantly that Nathan would come during each push, that I would be given the strength to get him here safely. I leaned against Daniel between contractions to rest and felt so loved and worn out! Finally Dr. Rees came in and stated I was not getting a c-section (my mind had crossed this way and worried about it). I was so happy to hear this!!! I was also happy to hear from observers that Nathan had hair! If that isn't motivation I don't know what is!!! I did worry that he would be born on the 18th because it was getting closer to midnight, but I was determined to have Nathan on the 17th!!!

Rees asked if I was okay with a vacuum intervention with an episiotomy. Before going through this I would have said no, but I knew this was the course of action I needed to accept. I was exhausted and so swollen that Nathan was having trouble coming without help. I felt empowered that I could make educated decisions. One of my doulas took pictures of the whole procedure (I love these pictures though they are inappropriate to show to the world). Dr. Rees said he would barely use any suction, that I would do all the pushing on my own and afterwards the doctor said he barely did anything. He was such a positive and reassuring doctor and the pictures of him delivering Nathan make me happy because he was so calm. He never made me feel like I was hurting my baby. He never made me feel inadequate. He only said things I needed to hear. He let me know when Nathan's head, shoulders, and body was out. I was being wiped at one point and I exclaimed "I pooped!" I decided before going into labor that I would claim having a bowel movement while pushing and not being embarrassed (I was naked after all).

Rees held Nathan up for me to see. Nathan was gorgeous covered in slime! After pushing without a contraction Nathan was out, the cord was milked, Daniel cut it, and Nathan was brought to the little NICU station to suck out any meconium in his lungs, but I wasn't worried because he was crying. Dr. Rees then told me that I had a bad 4th degree tear. Nathaniel Richard was born at 11:07 pm September 17th, 2014, weighed 8 pounds 14 ounces, and was 20.5 inches long!

Sewing me up took quite a long time and I only felt one real stitch (yay). I did feel the tear, but I didn't care. I had my baby! The pictures of Daniel watching Nathan come out make me smile because his face was of pure awe (though he did tell me later he had to focus on Nathan when I tore, but I don't blame him in the least! I literally had one hole and that is just not natural haha). The shirt Daniel wore was one given to us by my old violin teacher and friend who passed away a year ago (Alline). When I mentioned the shirt Daniel said he wanted her there with us. I thought that was amazingly thoughtful of him to think of something so touching.

The doctor held up my placenta and commented on how huge it was and I thought that was hilarious! Daniel stayed with Nathaniel the whole time he was getting assistance. The doctor told me it was a miracle I didn't hemorrhage after all I had been through. I barely bled at all!

Eventually Nathan was brought to me, but I was so tired and my arms were shaking from holding myself up on the squatting bar that I could barely see and hold him. Daniel supported Nathan on my chest and we all watched as Nathan nursed for the very first time. It was the happiest moment of my life. It was the moment I had been waiting for. I was finally an earthly mother. I was finally able to feel the joy and not the sorrow. I was finally able to experience the most beautiful miracle given to man. Nathan was safe and in my arms.

So no, my experience was not traumatizing. Yes, I have a long recovery because a fourth degree tear is no joke. I still can't sit after a month. I still can't hold my baby for long periods of time. I have to say that the recovery and not being able to care for the child I longed for is the most traumatizing part, but giving birth to him was extraordinary! I would do it all over and over again! Sometimes I wonder if I had made different decisions if I wouldn't have this tear, but then I remind myself that all my decisions were educated and felt right at the time and still feel right. I loved my support. I loved watching Daniel call my mom right when we knew Nathan was safe on my chest doing skin to skin. I loved hearing that he has dark hair!

I was calm the entire time. People commented that it looked like I was sleeping during and after contractions. I was called super woman...though I am sure anyone could do what I did.

I used low, natural tones the entire time. I recommend hypnobirthing to everyone no matter if you are going natural or getting an epidural. I also recommend doula support if you go natural (especially if you end up having back labor the entire time like I did). I never experienced the moment of wanting to turn back. The contractions never were "painful" enough for me to want an epidural for the "pain". I was in control. I trusted my body. I trusted Nathan. I will always have this new found trust in how powerful a human body can be. I am grateful for our loving Heavenly Father and for the atonement. It is amazing the pain our Savior must have gone through for each of us.

Birth was the most intense feeling I have ever experienced, but it was only for a moment and it was worth every second of my 72 hours of back labor and nearly 5 hours of pushing only to tear to the extreme. I would do it again in a heart beat...but irish twins will have to be for another time. I think I will have to recover for a good year before having another child so I will be physically ready, no matter how mentally ready I am to do it again!

If you read all this then kudos to you!!!