I'm still feeling cruddy, BUT I feel like a human being again (on medications) and I will be forever grateful for that. I am feeling well enough to sit and enjoy this boy kicking me and think about when he will join our family. I am beginning to feel more bonded with him and we are occasionally thinking about names. We may have even picked his name already, but just waiting to see if it passes the test of daily use around the house. I can eat one meal a day at least but then I feel sick the rest of the day, but I am just happy to be able to eat and sometimes even drink part of the time. Acid reflux, like with Nathan, is already kicking my butt.
This pregnancy has also been difficult because I watch Nathan all day, but I love both my boys and I will do all I can for them (even if I am wiped out by noon). Nathan is growing up so fast. He knows about 40 signs now! I can't believe it! All that watching Signing Time while I was puking my guts out really worked out. It makes me feel like the TV time wasn't the end of the world because he gained a whole new way to communicate (just validating my mom guilt).
He also will tolerate and ask for Daniel Tiger now (thank goodness because I am bored of Signing Time). His favorite words are "up, bubbles, tuba, and yeah." He loves giving kisses and hugs and his favorite things in the world are the dogs. When he wakes up for a nap the first thing he asks for are the dogs. If the dogs aren't around he cries. He loves his dad and one of my favorite parts of the day is when Daniel comes home and the dogs go crazy and Nathan runs around the house like a crazy child yelling "DADA!" It melts my heart every time. He also likes watching football (Who's child is this?).
This week is going to be busy. We are waiting for news about a potential house, I have my anatomy scan, and I am starting my doula hunt. All exciting (and stressful) things!!!
All in all, I'm in love. My toddler is wonderful even when he is a handful. My growing baby is a blessing and miracle that I ponder about when I'm not chasing Nathan down the hall. And Daniel. Daniel is my support, my rock, and my life line. He has never failed to make me smile or even laugh when I feel like crying. He takes Nathan when I have had it physically, mentally, and emotionally for the day without complaint. He is more than I could have ever hoped for. I am grateful for my trials in life to bring me closer to my family and to Heavenly Father as well. I feel blessed during my trials and so very loved and guided.
One day I will get around to taking a belly picture...one day, but not this day, or tomorrow....
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Hyperemesis Drama
What is hyperemeis gravidarum? That is the question I get the most these days. The simple definition that I tell most people is that it is extreme morning sickness. But that is by far the biggest understatement I've ever said. It feels almost like a lie.
So what is hyperemesis? It's feeling like death. It's a living hell. It's breathing and existing, but simultaneously not. It's being burdened with the largest amount of guilt. It's watching life move on without you. It's not being able to do what you enjoy. It's quite a lot like depression in that way.
But how do I really feel? My days often go like this: I wake up, I swallow whatever pills that I need to take in the morning, I pray that they stay down because the moment I leave my bedroom and step into the front room I am overwhelmed with the smell of my apartment and I can't stand it at all.
I sit on the couch while Daniel gets Nathan and himself ready for the day, He leaves for work by 9am because I spend a half hour telling him how miserable I am and how I want him to stay home because I can't do this alone another day, I complain that I've become the biggest whiner in the history of whiners, Daniel finally leaves, I attempt play with Nathan which ends up with me in a bucket or huddled against the couch praying that I won't throw up and that Nathan won't poop.
I change poopy diapers and throw it out on our balcony. I congratulate myself if I haven't thrown up yet, Nathan then begs me for signing time (he signs for it), I turn it on while feeling the guilt that he spends hours a day watching it (I'm sick of watching signing time), he watches me for most of the episodes because he likes me to sing and sign the songs and most times I try to do my best.
I try to put on a smile for my son. I end up crying with how overwhelmed I am with not being able to play or care for my son the way I should. I feed Nathan and try not to throw up while giving him foods then I bathe him because I can't stand the smell of food on him. I sit for an hour asking him to let me change his poopy diaper again but he refuses to let me change him without chasing him. Chasing him makes me sick.
I attempt to put him down for a nap which can take multiple attempts and when he is finally down he sleeps for half an hour and wakes up screaming. This kid has never been a great napper. I kiss his injuries, I hug him, I sing to him, I try to make life as normal as possible, I suck it up all for my son, and when Daniel comes home late I cry again.
When Daniel does come home I either sit on the couch trying not to talk (talking, movement, and light makes me sick) or enclose myself in my bedroom which means I am not seeing Nathan play and interact. Daniel does all the chores, errands, and care for Nathan when he is home. At night I gag down my cocktail of pills and try to sleep but I also worry about what the next day will hold.
A zofran day is nearly the same thing except I can play with Nathan just a little bit more. I can talk just a little bit more. I drink a little bit more. But zofran days have their own added bonuses of debilitating migraines and constipation (which is hard to fix when you can't eat or drink and stool softeners decide to not work very well). I go days off of zofran to help me feel better in those ways, but then I am not able to move or talk without being sick. I can't win.
I've decided that my next baby I am begging for iv therapy. I should of had that for this baby. I should be going to get iv fluids a couple times a week at least, but my experience at urgent care was so negative I can't bring myself to go there again.
Next to the guilt of not being able to care for my family is the feeling of inadequacy when I realize people think I have normal morning sickness. It seems like I am the only one who can't handle life and pregnancy. Even after I explain how I have felt for the past 15 weeks they still don't understand. No one can unless you have gone through this. I get a lot of "how are you feeling today" and "hope you feel better soon" like it's a cold. I get sick of telling people after this long that it isn't getting better. This question makes me feel like I am asking for attention or sympathy when I say I'm still not feeling well. It makes me feel like I am weak. I am NOT asking for attention. I am an introvert. I prefer to be alone, so it is so hard for me to ask for help and have people around all the time. Trust me, this is no where near attention seeking. I feel guilty asking for help.
Meals mean leftovers, which then means I can't go near the kitchen till they are gone or watch while it is being eaten. Though it is a double edged sword because meals feed my son and husband! I appreciate the meals we have received.
There are those who have come to help with Nathan for an hour or two here or there and I am grateful, bonus points to those who don't make me feel like I am useless and uplift me instead! I love those who have dropped by (with a text or call) and given me things I need without me asking! The beauty of doing service for someone without being asked! Seriously it makes my day and makes me feel loved! I've felt isolated and alone and like a nuisance so any help from people without me asking is welcomed.
I'm praying I will begin to feel better by the beginning of January. I need to come to terms that this pregnancy is harder than it was with Nathan. I need to come to terms that I am alone in this other than my wonderful husband, the few people who have shown compassion, and our Heavenly Father.
Daniel asked me if I would change anything we did. No. Every pregnancy was planned for. All five of them. It hasn't been easy for me constantly being pregnant and losing babies. It's not easy not being able to enjoy the pregnancies that do become successful ones. My body is tired. My heart is tired.
I am grateful for this little baby growing inside me everyday. I think of my friends who have struggled more than me everyday and feel awful for complaining. I know the gift I have.
We just need love. Help us to feel loved. That's all we ask, because right now I feel like I am drowning.
So what is hyperemesis? It's feeling like death. It's a living hell. It's breathing and existing, but simultaneously not. It's being burdened with the largest amount of guilt. It's watching life move on without you. It's not being able to do what you enjoy. It's quite a lot like depression in that way.
But how do I really feel? My days often go like this: I wake up, I swallow whatever pills that I need to take in the morning, I pray that they stay down because the moment I leave my bedroom and step into the front room I am overwhelmed with the smell of my apartment and I can't stand it at all.
I sit on the couch while Daniel gets Nathan and himself ready for the day, He leaves for work by 9am because I spend a half hour telling him how miserable I am and how I want him to stay home because I can't do this alone another day, I complain that I've become the biggest whiner in the history of whiners, Daniel finally leaves, I attempt play with Nathan which ends up with me in a bucket or huddled against the couch praying that I won't throw up and that Nathan won't poop.
I change poopy diapers and throw it out on our balcony. I congratulate myself if I haven't thrown up yet, Nathan then begs me for signing time (he signs for it), I turn it on while feeling the guilt that he spends hours a day watching it (I'm sick of watching signing time), he watches me for most of the episodes because he likes me to sing and sign the songs and most times I try to do my best.
I try to put on a smile for my son. I end up crying with how overwhelmed I am with not being able to play or care for my son the way I should. I feed Nathan and try not to throw up while giving him foods then I bathe him because I can't stand the smell of food on him. I sit for an hour asking him to let me change his poopy diaper again but he refuses to let me change him without chasing him. Chasing him makes me sick.
I attempt to put him down for a nap which can take multiple attempts and when he is finally down he sleeps for half an hour and wakes up screaming. This kid has never been a great napper. I kiss his injuries, I hug him, I sing to him, I try to make life as normal as possible, I suck it up all for my son, and when Daniel comes home late I cry again.
When Daniel does come home I either sit on the couch trying not to talk (talking, movement, and light makes me sick) or enclose myself in my bedroom which means I am not seeing Nathan play and interact. Daniel does all the chores, errands, and care for Nathan when he is home. At night I gag down my cocktail of pills and try to sleep but I also worry about what the next day will hold.
A zofran day is nearly the same thing except I can play with Nathan just a little bit more. I can talk just a little bit more. I drink a little bit more. But zofran days have their own added bonuses of debilitating migraines and constipation (which is hard to fix when you can't eat or drink and stool softeners decide to not work very well). I go days off of zofran to help me feel better in those ways, but then I am not able to move or talk without being sick. I can't win.
I've decided that my next baby I am begging for iv therapy. I should of had that for this baby. I should be going to get iv fluids a couple times a week at least, but my experience at urgent care was so negative I can't bring myself to go there again.
Next to the guilt of not being able to care for my family is the feeling of inadequacy when I realize people think I have normal morning sickness. It seems like I am the only one who can't handle life and pregnancy. Even after I explain how I have felt for the past 15 weeks they still don't understand. No one can unless you have gone through this. I get a lot of "how are you feeling today" and "hope you feel better soon" like it's a cold. I get sick of telling people after this long that it isn't getting better. This question makes me feel like I am asking for attention or sympathy when I say I'm still not feeling well. It makes me feel like I am weak. I am NOT asking for attention. I am an introvert. I prefer to be alone, so it is so hard for me to ask for help and have people around all the time. Trust me, this is no where near attention seeking. I feel guilty asking for help.
Meals mean leftovers, which then means I can't go near the kitchen till they are gone or watch while it is being eaten. Though it is a double edged sword because meals feed my son and husband! I appreciate the meals we have received.
There are those who have come to help with Nathan for an hour or two here or there and I am grateful, bonus points to those who don't make me feel like I am useless and uplift me instead! I love those who have dropped by (with a text or call) and given me things I need without me asking! The beauty of doing service for someone without being asked! Seriously it makes my day and makes me feel loved! I've felt isolated and alone and like a nuisance so any help from people without me asking is welcomed.
I'm praying I will begin to feel better by the beginning of January. I need to come to terms that this pregnancy is harder than it was with Nathan. I need to come to terms that I am alone in this other than my wonderful husband, the few people who have shown compassion, and our Heavenly Father.
Daniel asked me if I would change anything we did. No. Every pregnancy was planned for. All five of them. It hasn't been easy for me constantly being pregnant and losing babies. It's not easy not being able to enjoy the pregnancies that do become successful ones. My body is tired. My heart is tired.
I am grateful for this little baby growing inside me everyday. I think of my friends who have struggled more than me everyday and feel awful for complaining. I know the gift I have.
We just need love. Help us to feel loved. That's all we ask, because right now I feel like I am drowning.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
12 weeks and miserable
I’ve been asked a couple times lately about whether or not
I’ve been blogging this pregnancy like I did with Nathaniel. I haven’t, but I
should because I put these blog posts in my journal when I don’t get the chance
to write. And today I looked back at my blog posts from my last successful
pregnancy to gauge when my hyperemesis became livable and was saddened to see
that I didn’t post progress till 18 to 20 weeks pregnant (while still being
medicated).
But if I hadn’t blogged I wouldn’t have remembered when my
silver lining might return (though every pregnancy is different). I read back
to when I stopped progesterone with Nathan, confiding my worries for
miscarriage and my hopes of feeling better off the hormones, but it seems the
same as last time, I still feel like hell.
This pregnancy is different though because I was high risk
through most of the first trimester due to my ectopic pregnancy last June
(2015) and my miscarriage history. The moment my pregnancy test showed an
inkling of a positive I got an appointment with my new doctors. These doctors
recently had three patients with rupturing ectopic pregnancies this past
summer, so when I mentioned that word, they began game planning on my care.
They took my blood every two days for a while to monitor my hcg. They also
threatened many times with removing my right tube if my pregnancy was located
there again. The first blood draw resulted in a mere 7 (barely considered
pregnant). The doctor called and told me he was trying to be optimistic, but he
was worried about chemical pregnancy or ectopic. He said if the pregnancy ended
in miscarriage I would get a full work up to see what was causing my problems,
so even if this pregnancy turned south, I would have care provided and plans
set in place.
My next blood draw my numbers were 35, more than doubled in
two days! Things were looking up. My next blood draw after that my hcg was 260!
More than doubling again! So a week later we scheduled my first ultrasound to
determine the location of the baby.
I always get nervous for ultrasounds. I’ve not had many
happy ones. I’ve seen my babies with strong heartbeats, only to lose them
shortly later. My only happy ultrasounds were with Nathan and they felt foreign
AKA normal. The day of this ultrasound I was stressed. I cried. I snapped at
Nathan (it was not a good mom day). I
cried some more because of mom guilt. I kept saying “I don’t want to know if
this pregnancy is in the correct spot or not, but I need to know, but I don’t
want to know!” I was a mess.
The baby measured a week behind, but was in my uterus. So
happy, but sad news since all the babies I’ve lost to miscarriage have measured
behind (but I have a severely retroverted uterus and even with a transvaginal
ultrasound it was still difficult to get measurements). The next ultrasound was scheduled and I cried
again before that appointment, but our baby (measuring 6w6d) had a heartbeat!
This bean still measured behind, but was catching up. The next ultrasound was at
8w5d and the baby’s heartbeat was 170! He was still behind but not by much and
my fears were lifted a bit.
Since then I’ve had IV fluids, thrown up more times than I
can count, and feel absolutely miserable. I recently went off my progesterone
hormone supplements (which is a worrying time for me).
Today I checked for my baby’s heartbeat on my home Doppler.
I was greeted with a beautiful sound. I am extremely sick with this baby, more
so than I was with Nathan. I can’t get up or move without feeling sick, but to
hear that little ‘thump thump thump’ was music to my sick and tired ears. I've also felt this baby since 9 weeks (small, barely noticeable flutters). Since 11 weeks (the time I was in Washington to visit family) I have actually been woken up with a strong (but rare) kick or two. And in the past few days I feel taps off and on all day. I love feeling the baby early!
I
have been given dates for my due date ranging from June 1st to June
4th. I’ve chosen to go by the latter date in order to give my baby
more time to grow at the end of my pregnancy just in case there is talk of
induction. So going by that date I am 12w1d.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Update and Ectopic Pregnancy
Let's get personal.
We have had many trials since his birth. I had a recovery that is still ongoing (fistula from 4th degree tear). Nathaniel had a tongue and lip tie that ended up giving him horrible silent reflux (he would swallow all his spit up down so he was gaining weight but miserable). Doctors kept telling me he was fine because he was gaining weight like a champ and ignored my plea that there was another underlying problem. My heart was set on a breastfeeding relationship. After 3 months of breastfeeding him a few times a day and pumping the rest, Nathan eventually went on a food strike (breast and bottle) because he was in a lot of pain from the reflux. Scared that he wasn't eating we finally got answers at a pediatric dentist and got his frenectomy done a couple weeks before we moved across country. He completely refused to breastfeed during the day by the time he re-learned how to eat. We still breastfed at night until my husband started work and we made the emotional decision to bottle feed from there on out because it was easier for Daniel to feed our son a bottle at night while I pumped. I have been exclusively pumping since. I still get emotional thinking about the time we spent breastfeeding. It was a stressful time, but cherished. I learned that bottle feeding my son breast milk was still beautiful and bonding. Watching him grow because of my milk has been rewarding, no matter the way he is being fed.
Nathan also suffered colic until he was 5-6 months old. He screamed and screamed. He wouldn't nap. He wouldn't eat. After the reflux/tie situation was fixed he was a happier baby and ate better, but still was colicky. I would shut ourselves in a dark bathroom, running the bathroom sink, singing hymns, sometimes crying with Nathan (who was mostly screaming at the top of his lungs), and bouncing/rocking/swaying my son to sleep. Those were hard times for me. Sometimes I would wonder why I wanted a child so badly if I ended up being such a bad parent, unable to take care of one baby. It was only after I found support from other parents with colicky children that I realized that I wasn't a bad parent, but instead I was amazing! When Nathan was asleep for a total of 20 minutes or less, I would pump leaving me with no true break for myself. I had heard of colic before having Nathan. I had heard the stories of what parents called "hell" and even the scary stories of parents/caretakers killing their babies (there were a few of those stories in the media at the time). I had heard the stories of colic, but didn't understand. Now I do. I empathize for those parents. I cry for them. It is the worse feeling when you do everything you can and still end up short.
Though Nathan's nap times were a struggle, I also found peace in those moment while I bounced him in the bathroom. Those were the moments I prayed the hardest, pled the most, and felt overwhelming love and support from our Heavenly Father. It was in those moments that I felt the most love for my beautiful baby boy. Looking back, colic was horrible, but twistedly wonderful because I grew as a person. I have incredible devotion for my miracle baby.
So it may have come as a surprise after reading those struggles that we had ended up pregnant 8 months postpartum (was due January 2016). It wasn't a surprise baby for us. During those bathroom moments I felt strongly that it was time to try for another. I pushed those thoughts away for months. We just had a baby! Why would we want another so soon! But personal revelation was relentless.
After much praying we decided to leave everything in God's hands. We got pregnant right away. But I had thought it was lost early on (chemical pregnancy). I was sad for the early miscarriage, but life kept moving. But then, a few weeks later I started cramping and bleeding and I felt strongly to take another pregnancy test. Positive. Daniel was putting Nathan down for bed and I walked in quietly, showed him the test, and cried. We knew we were adding a third angel baby because I need progesterone from the beginning of a pregnancy and that much bleeding has never been a good sign for us.
We immediately went to the ER and were diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy (a pregnancy where the baby implants into the tubes). We got a large dose of Methotrexate (chemo) and were sent home after spending most of the night in the ER. We were supposed to give talks the next day at church, but instead decided to stay home. It was an emotional couple months as I lost weight, my hair fell out, and I was fatigued. I barely was able to care for our son. My hormone levels went down about 1.5-2 months after the chemo injection. I was truly blessed that I didn't need multiple doses and/or surgery to remove my right tube, but the doctors always mentioned it on the weekly phone calls giving me my blood result tests (so, so many blood draws). They were never happy with my numbers. Eventually we did get the call that the baby was officially terminated. I was finally no longer pregnant. Even though I know that baby would never have survived and had we not acted that I could have died, willingly choosing to inject my body with poison to kill our baby was a traumatic experience.
I had to dump my milk during the first week of chemo. That was emotionally difficult as well, but I was blessed with a large freezer storage of milk. During that time we began giving Nathan a bottle of formula once a day, every other day in order to stretch our freezer stash out a bit longer. During this hard time we had some help and even milk offers and I am grateful for that. Everyone was well-meaning when they said how I should "live for my son" and "be grateful for Nathan," but they don't understand. It was hard coming to terms with the loss since we had to care for our boy. It was a couple weeks after the chemo that Daniel and I were actually able to finally sit and talk about what just happened.
This ectopic meant that I am high risk for more life threatening pregnancies. It means I really could have a lot of problems building my family. I have decided that if we have one more loss that I will get the surgery done to check for endometriosis (highly suspected), but we won't know for a while since we have to wait to try for kids because of the chemo that was in my system. I am grateful we were prompted to try sooner than we were ready because if we had started trying again when we had originally thought and gotten the ectopic, then we would have to wait even longer to have another baby.
I love my son. He is my life and my light. He is my joy. He is my miracle and the proof that my body can bring a live child earth-side. I will never be able to show him how much I love him, because it is not possible. I don't quite fear the future. I have peace leaving everything to Heavenly Father. He has never led me wrong. I know He has mourned with me each time we have lost a baby. I know He rejoices with us as we watch Nathan grow.
Friday, October 17, 2014
The Birth of Nathaniel Richard
Whenever I tell people my birth story I typically get asked two questions: Was the experience traumatizing and did I feel the tear? My answers are no and duh. I don't think many people believe my first answer and I have to admit, this scares and ultimately saddens me. Why do people believe that a difficult birth experience could be nothing less than scarring?! Why can't it be wonderful, beautiful, empowering, and the greatest love story of my life?! Why am I not believed when I say I am ready mentally to have another child right now if I wasn't recovering from a 4th degree tear?! Why do people tell me negative things about their labors after I say how wonderful mine was as if I couldn't possibly have enjoyed giving birth?! Hours after Nathan was born I remember thinking about how I am ready and super excited to do it all over again-- a month later and I am still on a birthing high because it was one of the greatest experiences of my life thus far. I have to admit though, I don't think I would feel so ready to go through labor and delivery again right away if it wasn't for the techniques I learned from my hypnobirthing course (curtis method, not just the mongan) and for my amazing support system (two absolutely amazing doulas and a loving husband).
Okay, now with the gritty and wonderful details:
The Friday before I went into labor I had my last prenatal appointment. At this appointment we saw Dr. Rees (who delivered our baby). I remember liking him a lot and I even talked football with him (which is very rare for me to do). He said I could have the baby anytime, but scheduled an induction for Sunday, September 21st if things didn't progress by then. I was beginning to worry that I would be induced because I really wanted to experience a natural birth. Dr. Rees asked me before we left the office if I was nervous or scared to go into labor. My reply was no! I told him how excited I was to finally have a baby (he knew my miscarriage history) and that I was only scared to get to the hospital in time, but otherwise no other worries at all. I credit hypnobirthing for this lack of fear. I had fears throughout my pregnancy about birth, but by the time I was full term I was ready mentally to birth our baby without fearing the what-ifs.
On Sunday (September 14th) I had been feeling contractions building for quite some time and had many false alarms previous to this day, but this day felt different. I canceled plans with my visiting teachers because I was tired and wanted to relax for the inevitable day. Daniel and I went to Applebees (miserable for me) and then for a long drive on the Alpine Loop. Maybe that wasn't the best idea if my labor was going to be a quick one because I remember being on the very top of the loop and telling Nathan to stay inside because I wasn't having a baby on the top of the mountain (though wouldn't that have been a cool story to tell if there wasn't any complications).
Sometime before I officially went into labor I asked Daniel for a priesthood blessing because I was afraid of being induced (cytotec scares the living daylights out of me). In his blessing I was told I would have the natural labor I desired, and sure enough I did. (let me just say I am extremely thankful for the comforts of priesthood blessings from a worthy husband).
Monday came around and so did the bloody show and definite labor as well. This was when one of my old fears I combated with my hypnobirthing fear release tracks reared its ugly head-- my fear of comparing labor with my miscarriages. The blood and contractions were so similar to losing my children. I knew it wasn't going to end the same and was able to quickly work past this fear. I think it was just that moment of reliving my losses. Once I moved past this obstacle I got excited and texted Daniel the news and told him to come home from work. We were going to have a baby soon! We thought we were going to have the baby that night or Tuesday morning with how much my contractions were progressing, but this baby had other ideas. Nathan was stubborn from the start and he wasn't going to make this easy for us. One of my friends even mentioned how Nathan sounded stubborn in the vision I had of him visiting me back in January 2013 because Nathan told me in that dream that he was ready and he wanted to come first. Nathan was not going to disappoint. Later Monday we went to Subway and I remember sitting and concentrating on contractions while Daniel got our food. I bet I looked awful to everyone coming in for the lunch rush.
I tried to sleep Monday night, but I just couldn't. My labor from beginning to end started in the front with the cramps/tightening and then radiated strongly into my lower back. Being on my left side (how I preferred to sleep while pregnant) made these contractions extremely strong and therefore I was awake the entire night. I am glad Daniel was able to sleep though because we didn't expect my labor to go as long as it did. I woke Daniel up around 2am and we went to the hospital (Timpanogos). My contractions at this point were 2 minutes apart and very strong. When we got there my labor stalled and I was upset about this because I knew it would just start up again right when we got back home. Our nurse at that time was Cori and I really liked her because she was considerate about doing things to me while I was having a contraction. We were sent home to labor.
We labored at home all Tuesday (a lot of people came over or called not knowing I was in labor) and finally late Tuesday I went back to the hospital (I did not feel comfortable laboring at home with contractions so strong and close). When we went in this time we once again had Cori as my nurse. Once again she was wonderful. Seriously if you want a nice nurse who respects natural birth at Timpanogos Regional, ask for Cori. My doulas asked about Daniel and mines story about how we met and got together for some feel good hormones. I loved talking during my labor and getting to know my doulas a little bit more. I was still not progressing as quickly as they wanted and my doulas (Laurel and Sarah) and I began speculating that it could be because I hadn't slept since Monday early morning and also felt too nauseous to eat. At this point it was at least 24 hours since I had slept. The nurse told me my labor was textbook and that it was good I came to the hospital (they normally would admit me at this point). She told me they wouldn't admit me because I wanted a natural labor, but if I wanted an epidural they would admit me right then and there.
What crap! I sometimes blame my long labor on being sent home so often because my biggest and pretty much only fear was not making it to the hospital in time and here they were telling me I should be in the hospital but to go home. I remember thinking, when should I come in?! My contractions were very close and getting stronger. If they had just admitted me I knew my body would feel safer and labor would have progressed much faster (when I was finally admitted Wednesday afternoon my labor was a normal 12 hour time frame and I account that for feeling safe and ready to give birth). We left the hospital for the second time and ordered Denny's so I could eat something, but I was feeling a little nauseous. The only thing that sounded good was a BLT. I took 3 bites of it when I got home. I tried to sleep but shortly after laying down I had stronger contractions and I jumped out of bed (as quickly as a laboring, huge pregnant woman could) and told Daniel I was going to hurl. He expertly grabbed a trash bin and put it in front of me just in time (some got on the floor and Daniel had to dump a lot of empty water bottles out before presenting me with the bin)! This was the only time I threw up during my labor. I ate some yogurt to put something light into my stomach after that.
We went to the hospital again deciding that laboring at home was getting frustrating because I couldn't sleep and that getting an epidural just to sleep might be the way to go (plus they said they would admit me if I got the epidural). I am grateful for my doulas helping me with their personal birthing stories about their experiences with epidurals. I felt very supported in all my decisions by Daniel and my hypnobirthing doulas (who were amazing with counter pressure!). When we got to the hospital we had Cori once again. I think she knew my heart was set on a natural birth and mentioned morphine and phenergan to help me get some sleep. My doulas were also aware of my desire for a natural birth and told me not to do an epidural if I would look back and regret it, so I decided against the epidural (glad I did, but I don't disapprove of them for those who choose that path, everyone's birth journey is unique). I received the shot and once again went home with the promise from my nurse that the next time I came in I would be able to stay since I was definitely very much in labor. Thank goodness! Every time I came into the hospital I was asked if I wanted a wheelchair. This makes me laugh because I refused each time, even if it did take me 5 or more minutes to walk to labor and delivery from the closest entrance (why take a wheelchair when moving is more productive and feels better!?)
I slept for 2 hours...2 disturbed, wake up every two minutes for a contraction then go back to sleep hours.We then labored at home till 11am Wednesday (17th) morning and went to the hospital for the fourth and last time! We met Laurel at the hospital and took a walk before going in, but it was getting hot outside so we only took a short walk around the hospital grounds. I didn't have Cori as my nurse this time and I was sad about that because my new nurses were not as considerate at first (until they read my birth plan, thank goodness for nurses and doctors who honor birth plans!!!) I got the lock put in my arm but not before the nurse in training missed multiple times while I was having strong contractions. That was intense! I was so grateful for Daniel and the doulas helping me through my back labor with counter pressure (even if it only worked part of the time and took just enough of the edge off the contractions). Shortly after I arrived I listened to a woman in the next room over give birth to her child. She screamed bloody murder! I felt bad for her (I was told she didn't get her epidural in time) and also began wondering if I would scream when the pushing stage came for me. I also wondered why people don't prepare for a natural birth even if they decide to go the epidural route since plans can change very quickly.
I eventually labored on a yoga ball, walking through the hallways, squatting, leaning forward...basically I wasn't confined to a bed and Nathan was only monitored for a short part of each hour. I loved that my birth plan was honored. My support made sure I was drinking often to stay hydrated (I didn't want to be attached to an IV the whole time). My support also constantly reminded me to stay focused and relaxed (smooth my face and to yoga breathe with low, loose tones).
Eventually the natural birthing room (with a jetted tub) opened up and we moved into that room! Before that I labored in a night gown I brought from home, but when I got into the tub I decided to just go naked! I guess I was already pass the point of caring who saw me naked. The tub was nice, but not as nice for me as some people described it. I was brought chicken broth and oh my goodness was it amazing to eat something!!! Shortly after inhaling some broth my water broke in the tub while I was squatting. I remember telling Daniel "I think my water broke, but with all the jets I am not very sure." But once I got out of the tub I knew for sure! I made my way to the bed and within an hour I was dilated to a ten (this was around 7pm Wednesday). I was so excited that we were going to have Nathan that day (thinking the pushing phase would not go 4 hours long). I went through 3 doctors at this time (Bennett, Drews, and Rees).
I began pushing in the squatting position since this felt the most natural and comfortable for me and baby. I was also told at this time that there was meconium in the amniotic fluid and the NICU team was brought in and getting ready for when Nathan arrived to give him assistance just in case he inhaled any into his tiny lungs. I was worried when I heard this, but I reminded myself that I was given a blessing telling me he would be safe many times throughout my pregnancy. I am grateful for the reassurance of the spirit during times of worry that Nathaniel would be strong and make it safely into this world.
I pushed for quite a long time with little progress. I account this to the fact that I let up on my pushes because I could hear Nathan's little heart rate go critically low during each push. So frustrating! Doctor Drews finally came in and checked me only to tell me that Nathan was not in a good position and to put me on oxygen because Nathan was struggling through each contraction. After adjusting Nathan I was told I was swollen from pushing so long with little progress and now had to push past a swollen cervix first and then everything else that was swollen. I was in for a lot of work! I had an amazing cheer team, but it was difficult for me feeling Nathan move down during contractions and then move back up in between when I was resting. (I typically slept in between contractions throughout my labor). I was extremely tired from lack of sleep and food, but I stayed hydrated. Daniel held my hand, my doulas reassured me I was doing a good job. I hated that stupid oxygen mask that kept falling off my face and scrunching into my eyes, but grateful that it kept Nathan safe.
The environment was so positive and loving. There came a point when I began feeling too physically weak to push and my doula mentioned that I should be given a blessing. Isn't it truly amazing being in Utah where it isn't awkward to be given a priesthood blessing while in labor! The room was peaceful and spiritual and I loved it! Daniel gave a beautiful blessing (while I pushed every couple minutes). I was re-energized and ready to push, though I admit, I prayed constantly that Nathan would come during each push, that I would be given the strength to get him here safely. I leaned against Daniel between contractions to rest and felt so loved and worn out! Finally Dr. Rees came in and stated I was not getting a c-section (my mind had crossed this way and worried about it). I was so happy to hear this!!! I was also happy to hear from observers that Nathan had hair! If that isn't motivation I don't know what is!!! I did worry that he would be born on the 18th because it was getting closer to midnight, but I was determined to have Nathan on the 17th!!!
Rees asked if I was okay with a vacuum intervention with an episiotomy. Before going through this I would have said no, but I knew this was the course of action I needed to accept. I was exhausted and so swollen that Nathan was having trouble coming without help. I felt empowered that I could make educated decisions. One of my doulas took pictures of the whole procedure (I love these pictures though they are inappropriate to show to the world). Dr. Rees said he would barely use any suction, that I would do all the pushing on my own and afterwards the doctor said he barely did anything. He was such a positive and reassuring doctor and the pictures of him delivering Nathan make me happy because he was so calm. He never made me feel like I was hurting my baby. He never made me feel inadequate. He only said things I needed to hear. He let me know when Nathan's head, shoulders, and body was out. I was being wiped at one point and I exclaimed "I pooped!" I decided before going into labor that I would claim having a bowel movement while pushing and not being embarrassed (I was naked after all).
Rees held Nathan up for me to see. Nathan was gorgeous covered in slime! After pushing without a contraction Nathan was out, the cord was
milked, Daniel cut it, and Nathan was brought to the little NICU station
to suck out any meconium in his lungs, but I wasn't worried because he
was crying. Dr. Rees then told me that I had a bad 4th degree tear. Nathaniel Richard was born at 11:07 pm September 17th, 2014, weighed 8 pounds 14 ounces, and was 20.5 inches long!
Sewing me up took quite a long time and I only felt one real stitch (yay). I did feel the tear, but I didn't care. I had my baby! The pictures of Daniel watching Nathan come out make me smile because his face was of pure awe (though he did tell me later he had to focus on Nathan when I tore, but I don't blame him in the least! I literally had one hole and that is just not natural haha). The shirt Daniel wore was one given to us by my old violin teacher and friend who passed away a year ago (Alline). When I mentioned the shirt Daniel said he wanted her there with us. I thought that was amazingly thoughtful of him to think of something so touching.
The doctor held up my placenta and commented on how huge it was and I thought that was hilarious! Daniel stayed with Nathaniel the whole time he was getting assistance. The doctor told me it was a miracle I didn't hemorrhage after all I had been through. I barely bled at all!
Eventually Nathan was brought to me, but I was so tired and my arms were shaking from holding myself up on the squatting bar that I could barely see and hold him. Daniel supported Nathan on my chest and we all watched as Nathan nursed for the very first time. It was the happiest moment of my life. It was the moment I had been waiting for. I was finally an earthly mother. I was finally able to feel the joy and not the sorrow. I was finally able to experience the most beautiful miracle given to man. Nathan was safe and in my arms.
So no, my experience was not traumatizing. Yes, I have a long recovery because a fourth degree tear is no joke. I still can't sit after a month. I still can't hold my baby for long periods of time. I have to say that the recovery and not being able to care for the child I longed for is the most traumatizing part, but giving birth to him was extraordinary! I would do it all over and over again! Sometimes I wonder if I had made different decisions if I wouldn't have this tear, but then I remind myself that all my decisions were educated and felt right at the time and still feel right. I loved my support. I loved watching Daniel call my mom right when we knew Nathan was safe on my chest doing skin to skin. I loved hearing that he has dark hair!
I was calm the entire time. People commented that it looked like I was sleeping during and after contractions. I was called super woman...though I am sure anyone could do what I did.
I used low, natural tones the entire time. I recommend hypnobirthing to everyone no matter if you are going natural or getting an epidural. I also recommend doula support if you go natural (especially if you end up having back labor the entire time like I did). I never experienced the moment of wanting to turn back. The contractions never were "painful" enough for me to want an epidural for the "pain". I was in control. I trusted my body. I trusted Nathan. I will always have this new found trust in how powerful a human body can be. I am grateful for our loving Heavenly Father and for the atonement. It is amazing the pain our Savior must have gone through for each of us.
Birth was the most intense feeling I have ever experienced, but it was only for a moment and it was worth every second of my 72 hours of back labor and nearly 5 hours of pushing only to tear to the extreme. I would do it again in a heart beat...but irish twins will have to be for another time. I think I will have to recover for a good year before having another child so I will be physically ready, no matter how mentally ready I am to do it again!
If you read all this then kudos to you!!!
Okay, now with the gritty and wonderful details:
The Friday before I went into labor I had my last prenatal appointment. At this appointment we saw Dr. Rees (who delivered our baby). I remember liking him a lot and I even talked football with him (which is very rare for me to do). He said I could have the baby anytime, but scheduled an induction for Sunday, September 21st if things didn't progress by then. I was beginning to worry that I would be induced because I really wanted to experience a natural birth. Dr. Rees asked me before we left the office if I was nervous or scared to go into labor. My reply was no! I told him how excited I was to finally have a baby (he knew my miscarriage history) and that I was only scared to get to the hospital in time, but otherwise no other worries at all. I credit hypnobirthing for this lack of fear. I had fears throughout my pregnancy about birth, but by the time I was full term I was ready mentally to birth our baby without fearing the what-ifs.
On Sunday (September 14th) I had been feeling contractions building for quite some time and had many false alarms previous to this day, but this day felt different. I canceled plans with my visiting teachers because I was tired and wanted to relax for the inevitable day. Daniel and I went to Applebees (miserable for me) and then for a long drive on the Alpine Loop. Maybe that wasn't the best idea if my labor was going to be a quick one because I remember being on the very top of the loop and telling Nathan to stay inside because I wasn't having a baby on the top of the mountain (though wouldn't that have been a cool story to tell if there wasn't any complications).
Sometime before I officially went into labor I asked Daniel for a priesthood blessing because I was afraid of being induced (cytotec scares the living daylights out of me). In his blessing I was told I would have the natural labor I desired, and sure enough I did. (let me just say I am extremely thankful for the comforts of priesthood blessings from a worthy husband).
Monday came around and so did the bloody show and definite labor as well. This was when one of my old fears I combated with my hypnobirthing fear release tracks reared its ugly head-- my fear of comparing labor with my miscarriages. The blood and contractions were so similar to losing my children. I knew it wasn't going to end the same and was able to quickly work past this fear. I think it was just that moment of reliving my losses. Once I moved past this obstacle I got excited and texted Daniel the news and told him to come home from work. We were going to have a baby soon! We thought we were going to have the baby that night or Tuesday morning with how much my contractions were progressing, but this baby had other ideas. Nathan was stubborn from the start and he wasn't going to make this easy for us. One of my friends even mentioned how Nathan sounded stubborn in the vision I had of him visiting me back in January 2013 because Nathan told me in that dream that he was ready and he wanted to come first. Nathan was not going to disappoint. Later Monday we went to Subway and I remember sitting and concentrating on contractions while Daniel got our food. I bet I looked awful to everyone coming in for the lunch rush.
I tried to sleep Monday night, but I just couldn't. My labor from beginning to end started in the front with the cramps/tightening and then radiated strongly into my lower back. Being on my left side (how I preferred to sleep while pregnant) made these contractions extremely strong and therefore I was awake the entire night. I am glad Daniel was able to sleep though because we didn't expect my labor to go as long as it did. I woke Daniel up around 2am and we went to the hospital (Timpanogos). My contractions at this point were 2 minutes apart and very strong. When we got there my labor stalled and I was upset about this because I knew it would just start up again right when we got back home. Our nurse at that time was Cori and I really liked her because she was considerate about doing things to me while I was having a contraction. We were sent home to labor.
We labored at home all Tuesday (a lot of people came over or called not knowing I was in labor) and finally late Tuesday I went back to the hospital (I did not feel comfortable laboring at home with contractions so strong and close). When we went in this time we once again had Cori as my nurse. Once again she was wonderful. Seriously if you want a nice nurse who respects natural birth at Timpanogos Regional, ask for Cori. My doulas asked about Daniel and mines story about how we met and got together for some feel good hormones. I loved talking during my labor and getting to know my doulas a little bit more. I was still not progressing as quickly as they wanted and my doulas (Laurel and Sarah) and I began speculating that it could be because I hadn't slept since Monday early morning and also felt too nauseous to eat. At this point it was at least 24 hours since I had slept. The nurse told me my labor was textbook and that it was good I came to the hospital (they normally would admit me at this point). She told me they wouldn't admit me because I wanted a natural labor, but if I wanted an epidural they would admit me right then and there.
What crap! I sometimes blame my long labor on being sent home so often because my biggest and pretty much only fear was not making it to the hospital in time and here they were telling me I should be in the hospital but to go home. I remember thinking, when should I come in?! My contractions were very close and getting stronger. If they had just admitted me I knew my body would feel safer and labor would have progressed much faster (when I was finally admitted Wednesday afternoon my labor was a normal 12 hour time frame and I account that for feeling safe and ready to give birth). We left the hospital for the second time and ordered Denny's so I could eat something, but I was feeling a little nauseous. The only thing that sounded good was a BLT. I took 3 bites of it when I got home. I tried to sleep but shortly after laying down I had stronger contractions and I jumped out of bed (as quickly as a laboring, huge pregnant woman could) and told Daniel I was going to hurl. He expertly grabbed a trash bin and put it in front of me just in time (some got on the floor and Daniel had to dump a lot of empty water bottles out before presenting me with the bin)! This was the only time I threw up during my labor. I ate some yogurt to put something light into my stomach after that.
We went to the hospital again deciding that laboring at home was getting frustrating because I couldn't sleep and that getting an epidural just to sleep might be the way to go (plus they said they would admit me if I got the epidural). I am grateful for my doulas helping me with their personal birthing stories about their experiences with epidurals. I felt very supported in all my decisions by Daniel and my hypnobirthing doulas (who were amazing with counter pressure!). When we got to the hospital we had Cori once again. I think she knew my heart was set on a natural birth and mentioned morphine and phenergan to help me get some sleep. My doulas were also aware of my desire for a natural birth and told me not to do an epidural if I would look back and regret it, so I decided against the epidural (glad I did, but I don't disapprove of them for those who choose that path, everyone's birth journey is unique). I received the shot and once again went home with the promise from my nurse that the next time I came in I would be able to stay since I was definitely very much in labor. Thank goodness! Every time I came into the hospital I was asked if I wanted a wheelchair. This makes me laugh because I refused each time, even if it did take me 5 or more minutes to walk to labor and delivery from the closest entrance (why take a wheelchair when moving is more productive and feels better!?)
I slept for 2 hours...2 disturbed, wake up every two minutes for a contraction then go back to sleep hours.We then labored at home till 11am Wednesday (17th) morning and went to the hospital for the fourth and last time! We met Laurel at the hospital and took a walk before going in, but it was getting hot outside so we only took a short walk around the hospital grounds. I didn't have Cori as my nurse this time and I was sad about that because my new nurses were not as considerate at first (until they read my birth plan, thank goodness for nurses and doctors who honor birth plans!!!) I got the lock put in my arm but not before the nurse in training missed multiple times while I was having strong contractions. That was intense! I was so grateful for Daniel and the doulas helping me through my back labor with counter pressure (even if it only worked part of the time and took just enough of the edge off the contractions). Shortly after I arrived I listened to a woman in the next room over give birth to her child. She screamed bloody murder! I felt bad for her (I was told she didn't get her epidural in time) and also began wondering if I would scream when the pushing stage came for me. I also wondered why people don't prepare for a natural birth even if they decide to go the epidural route since plans can change very quickly.
I eventually labored on a yoga ball, walking through the hallways, squatting, leaning forward...basically I wasn't confined to a bed and Nathan was only monitored for a short part of each hour. I loved that my birth plan was honored. My support made sure I was drinking often to stay hydrated (I didn't want to be attached to an IV the whole time). My support also constantly reminded me to stay focused and relaxed (smooth my face and to yoga breathe with low, loose tones).
Eventually the natural birthing room (with a jetted tub) opened up and we moved into that room! Before that I labored in a night gown I brought from home, but when I got into the tub I decided to just go naked! I guess I was already pass the point of caring who saw me naked. The tub was nice, but not as nice for me as some people described it. I was brought chicken broth and oh my goodness was it amazing to eat something!!! Shortly after inhaling some broth my water broke in the tub while I was squatting. I remember telling Daniel "I think my water broke, but with all the jets I am not very sure." But once I got out of the tub I knew for sure! I made my way to the bed and within an hour I was dilated to a ten (this was around 7pm Wednesday). I was so excited that we were going to have Nathan that day (thinking the pushing phase would not go 4 hours long). I went through 3 doctors at this time (Bennett, Drews, and Rees).
I began pushing in the squatting position since this felt the most natural and comfortable for me and baby. I was also told at this time that there was meconium in the amniotic fluid and the NICU team was brought in and getting ready for when Nathan arrived to give him assistance just in case he inhaled any into his tiny lungs. I was worried when I heard this, but I reminded myself that I was given a blessing telling me he would be safe many times throughout my pregnancy. I am grateful for the reassurance of the spirit during times of worry that Nathaniel would be strong and make it safely into this world.
I pushed for quite a long time with little progress. I account this to the fact that I let up on my pushes because I could hear Nathan's little heart rate go critically low during each push. So frustrating! Doctor Drews finally came in and checked me only to tell me that Nathan was not in a good position and to put me on oxygen because Nathan was struggling through each contraction. After adjusting Nathan I was told I was swollen from pushing so long with little progress and now had to push past a swollen cervix first and then everything else that was swollen. I was in for a lot of work! I had an amazing cheer team, but it was difficult for me feeling Nathan move down during contractions and then move back up in between when I was resting. (I typically slept in between contractions throughout my labor). I was extremely tired from lack of sleep and food, but I stayed hydrated. Daniel held my hand, my doulas reassured me I was doing a good job. I hated that stupid oxygen mask that kept falling off my face and scrunching into my eyes, but grateful that it kept Nathan safe.
The environment was so positive and loving. There came a point when I began feeling too physically weak to push and my doula mentioned that I should be given a blessing. Isn't it truly amazing being in Utah where it isn't awkward to be given a priesthood blessing while in labor! The room was peaceful and spiritual and I loved it! Daniel gave a beautiful blessing (while I pushed every couple minutes). I was re-energized and ready to push, though I admit, I prayed constantly that Nathan would come during each push, that I would be given the strength to get him here safely. I leaned against Daniel between contractions to rest and felt so loved and worn out! Finally Dr. Rees came in and stated I was not getting a c-section (my mind had crossed this way and worried about it). I was so happy to hear this!!! I was also happy to hear from observers that Nathan had hair! If that isn't motivation I don't know what is!!! I did worry that he would be born on the 18th because it was getting closer to midnight, but I was determined to have Nathan on the 17th!!!
Rees asked if I was okay with a vacuum intervention with an episiotomy. Before going through this I would have said no, but I knew this was the course of action I needed to accept. I was exhausted and so swollen that Nathan was having trouble coming without help. I felt empowered that I could make educated decisions. One of my doulas took pictures of the whole procedure (I love these pictures though they are inappropriate to show to the world). Dr. Rees said he would barely use any suction, that I would do all the pushing on my own and afterwards the doctor said he barely did anything. He was such a positive and reassuring doctor and the pictures of him delivering Nathan make me happy because he was so calm. He never made me feel like I was hurting my baby. He never made me feel inadequate. He only said things I needed to hear. He let me know when Nathan's head, shoulders, and body was out. I was being wiped at one point and I exclaimed "I pooped!" I decided before going into labor that I would claim having a bowel movement while pushing and not being embarrassed (I was naked after all).
Eventually Nathan was brought to me, but I was so tired and my arms were shaking from holding myself up on the squatting bar that I could barely see and hold him. Daniel supported Nathan on my chest and we all watched as Nathan nursed for the very first time. It was the happiest moment of my life. It was the moment I had been waiting for. I was finally an earthly mother. I was finally able to feel the joy and not the sorrow. I was finally able to experience the most beautiful miracle given to man. Nathan was safe and in my arms.
I was calm the entire time. People commented that it looked like I was sleeping during and after contractions. I was called super woman...though I am sure anyone could do what I did.
I used low, natural tones the entire time. I recommend hypnobirthing to everyone no matter if you are going natural or getting an epidural. I also recommend doula support if you go natural (especially if you end up having back labor the entire time like I did). I never experienced the moment of wanting to turn back. The contractions never were "painful" enough for me to want an epidural for the "pain". I was in control. I trusted my body. I trusted Nathan. I will always have this new found trust in how powerful a human body can be. I am grateful for our loving Heavenly Father and for the atonement. It is amazing the pain our Savior must have gone through for each of us.
Birth was the most intense feeling I have ever experienced, but it was only for a moment and it was worth every second of my 72 hours of back labor and nearly 5 hours of pushing only to tear to the extreme. I would do it again in a heart beat...but irish twins will have to be for another time. I think I will have to recover for a good year before having another child so I will be physically ready, no matter how mentally ready I am to do it again!
If you read all this then kudos to you!!!
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