Promotion or Blessing...pick wisely

Okay...so I read an announcement today that rubbed me the wrong way. Some people reading this may know who it is, but I just don't care.

I just need to get this off my chest.

When you get married, you are NOT being promoted.

When you have kids, you are NOT being promoted!

Definition of Promotion
the action of raising someone to a higher position or rank or the fact of being so raised.

I have many single friends that I love dearly. Though I know many of them want to be married right now. I know being single feels like being a failure, especially when you have parents, siblings, and married friends putting pressure on you to get a ring on your finger. I remember being 21 and unmarried (LDS culture) and feeling like an old hag. People age 18 were getting married left and right and popping babies out before I was BLESSED with marriage. Key word, BLESSED. You are NOT being promoted, you are being BLESSED.

We all have blessings come at different times, though I hate hearing that myself and don't you dare lecture me on God's timing because I know more about God's timing in my own life better than you do (AKA Personal Revelation). Just like you know His timing in your life better than I do. I have no right to go up to you and say "You were just not meant to be married or have kids yet." I have no right to say that to anyone. We all go through our own struggles. People need to stop making life a competition and using words like "We are being promoted" denote competition and superiority over those who haven't been blessed with that particular thing yet.

After two recurrent pregnancy losses I felt like a failure for not doing something LDS women seem to be able to do without batting their eyelashes. One miscarriage, fine...I could take that because one miscarriage is common and even expected with your first try. Two miscarriages? No...now I either have really bad luck or there is actually something wrong with me. To say that all those who get pregnant the moment they are married (again LDS culture) are being promoted to mother and father-hood is absolutely bonkers. It's like saying to all those who haven't reached that stage (whether they are actively trying or not) are not as good as you are because you have a bun in the oven or are holding your precious child.

So next time you say you are being promoted...don't. That's the wrong word. It's a ridiculously stupid word to use in the LDS culture when it seems like if you don't reach certain milestones in life at a certain age you are a menace to society. This needs to stop now. It is my least favorite part of this culture and it is completely wrong. Not everyone on this earth will get married, not everyone will have the opportunity to have children. It's a blessing you are granted on this earth while others will be blessed later. Please keep this in mind. We are equals.

Again, you are not being promoted, you are not just lucky, you are being blessed for your righteous desires and you should be grateful for not going through struggles others have to endure to get what you are blatantly saying you are better than them for having (whether that was your intention or not).

We are all blessed for our righteous desires at different times. I am not being bitter about that, people are just using the wrong word. I am actually very grateful to be an angel mom. I am grateful for marrying when I was 21. I have the most amazing husband. I have the most amazing feelings of closeness to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that I would never have if I didn't lose two babies. It is an awful feeling to send two most wanted children to Heaven and struggle to keep faith in God's timing, but in the end if you rise triumphantly it becomes the most unique blessing. I am so BLESSED to have two little ones waiting for me across the veil and to have another blessing developing every second inside me. I pray every day that I will be blessed to have that child make it into my arms so that I can do my part in raising the next righteous generation on this earth.

Blessings are amazing things, so use the right words and say you are being blessed.

16 Week Update

Morning sickness is coming and going...or maybe being out of Utah has made me distracted enough where I can live a normal life.

Cramping was bad earlier this week, but I told Daniel that I was probably going to get bigger because of the cramping. Sure enough...I think I popped. My belly is a lot rounder and harder. It almost looks like a real bump and not just flub, but it is a bump to me. I feel like my pregnant belly looks more like I am farther than I am.

I feel the baby daily, even have gotten a couple sharp jabs here or there that I felt lightly on the outside.

I have more energy, but still enjoy resting and sleeping.

Wisconsin has been fun so far. We have done a lot of walking and right now Daniel is sleeping on the bed. I think the interviews were tiring for him, but I can tell he had a lot of fun. He said it was all a very good experience, now we will wait to know if we will be making a move to Madison. Either way we are at peace with the decision.

This baby has made me so happy. I miss my angels, but I know they are watching over me. I am also thankful for a husband who works very hard for our family. I know that Daniel will always support our family as a worthy priesthood holder and a provider. I am so incredibly blessed to have gone through all that I have because I know I am even more blessed with the happiness of all that has gone well in these past 3-4 months.

This Baby better be a Genious

I am a smart person. I know this, my friends know this, my family knows this (I am not saying this to brag, it's just who I am). I just value my personal education. I am someone who loves knowing everything about a subject so I can intelligently hold a conversation when the time comes. I am known for remembering events and planning things in advance. I was always that student who had a plan on what, when, and how to study. I was the student who told other students something was due in a week or that the midterm was approaching. I was always very on top of things.

For each of my pregnancies I had this symptom--pregnancy brain. With this rainbow pregnancy I have become incredibly stupid. I remember nothing. Daniel has to tell me things over and over again. He has gotten into the habit of saying things like "I told you this a week ago as well as this morning..." I always forget to move the laundry through. I even forget to feed and water the dogs (oops).

I now snicker when I schedule an ultrasound or a new doctor's visit and the receptionist asks if I want a reminder card. Well yes, please give me a reminder card for the appointment which takes place in a month so I will not forget!!!

So if I forget to answer a text that I read and was about to reply to but then forgot just as quickly, forgive me. If I don't call you back until a week later, forgive me. If I forget you were coming over, forgive me (and also don't laugh too hard as I scramble to find something more decent to wear than a robe). If I start a conversation then get an embarrassed look as I mumble "I forgot what I was talking about" then please forgive me...or laugh...that's what Daniel and I do.

There is one date I am absolutely determined to remember...the date of a friend's surgery. She has been there for me through both my miscarriages and I have been too sick to skype and I feel like a terrible friend. So I will not forget this date.

This baby better be ugly and brilliant!!!

You are naming your child what?

So recently I have been casually looking at baby names again and I have to admit I am appalled at what people are naming their children these days. Do they not realize that the child has to live with that name? My goodness, if I was named something I couldn't pronounce I would quickly change my name the moment I turned 18.

I guess I am one for more traditional names, which are becoming more and more uncommon. I do like some of the more 'modern' sounding names as well, but as long as they are mostly normal. Here are some reasons for rethinking the name of your child:

1. Your child has to live with it for a very long time.
2. Other people writing down the child's name will have trouble spelling it, especially if it is one of 4 new and unique ways of spelling that particular name.
3. The child will have to repeat himself when asked what his name is.
4. Can you picture yourself yelling that name in a crowded public place?
5. Your child has to learn how to spell it. Adding random letters and symbols to a name are going to hurt the child when it comes to learning how to sound words out. (Ex. $ instead of an 'S')
6. Their teachers have to learn how to pronounce it. If I were a teacher these days I would go insane looking at the student list. I bet I wouldn't know how to pronounce at least 1/3rd of the names.
7. Teachers will have a  more difficult time remembering your child's unusual name. Not only teachers, but anyone who meets your child will not remember the child's name.
8. When your child becomes an adult they have to put that name on a resume. Who wants to hire someone with a strange name that sounds unprofessional?
9. Other children and adults might make fun of the child. Well, actually I wouldn't personally make fun of the child, I would actually question the intelligence of the parent.

That was a short list, but I am sure there are more reasons. What names do I like? I like strong names. I like a name that the child could be proud of having. I like names with meaning to them, but are also normal like Sarah, Katie, Samuel, Elizabeth, Aaron, and Chris. I also prefer using full names (with a few exceptions). You won't hear me calling my husband 'Dan' or 'Danny' but you will hear me call him Daniel.

Anyways...these are just my thoughts and I know I don't have many examples for odd and unusual names, but I do invite you to enter a baby name website or just visit Utah. If you do this you will quickly see what I mean.

14 Week Update

Time for a quick update. Still nauseous (a lot actually), still tired, less cramping (yay), and now I have chloasma (dark spots on my face from the hormones).

The bump is bigger (no, I will not be one of those ladies who post non-stop belly photos) and at times I swear I feel something where I know the baby has made it's territory. I know people say that you can't feel the baby this early, but they also say women who know what it already feels like can feel the baby as soon as 10 weeks. Which just means to me that women CAN feel it as early as I am but they somehow just don't recognize it. Now, I was never blessed to experience movement with my two angels, but I do believe that miscarriage allows you to have a better connection with your body. Also, I am on bed rest which means I rest a lot so I am not distracted by noises or my own movements. I am not claiming I feel this little one all the time, just maybe twice in the past week and each time I have been laying down and just concentrating on the baby (and I know it isn't gas). It hasn't been terribly strong (the baby is still tiny after all), but it is noticeable when I am relaxing.

The other night I felt the baby for about 20 seconds while falling asleep and I shockingly turned to Daniel and said "Daniel! I think the baby is moving!" So then I told Daniel I was going to poke the baby and see what happens. Sure enough, I got a reaction from bubs!

My morning sickness is up and down. I get about a 1.5-2 days a week where I am sick all day but don't throw up--these are my good days. The rest of the week I am pretty darn miserable. I am normally sick at night, but I try to sleep through it. Last night was brutal and it is all because I woke up to a puppy hacking on the bed. I reached over to pick Shadow up from the bed before she made a mess on our comforter, but instead I stuck my whole hand into a very thick puppy vomit and it wreaked!!! I got Shadow off the bed and helped her to feel better, but then noticed she was covered in vomit, so she got a bath (the other dog was so happy when she realized she didn't get a midnight bath). The dogs then wanted outside so we let them do their thing, but Shadow pulled Misty a bit too hard and Misty hit her head against the corner and she got a small cut on her ear which bled all over her white fur. So she didn't get out of a bath after all. This whole time I knew I was going to be sick, but it was biding it's time until Daniel heated up some leftover steak and to me it reminded me of the smell of the puppy vomit all over my hands...then I threw up (and then ate the last bite of steak, yum!).

Just replace 'carpet' with 'bed'.

This all happened around 4-5am. I know people will just laugh and say "it's preparing you for kids." I don't find this statement funny (even though I said it to Daniel half laughing as we were bathing a puke-covered dog). To me, any statement involving "get sleep now or else you will regret it," or "better go out while you can" are rather annoying and insensitive. I think they are mean and condescending. I think that no one should ever say these or anything related to it to any pregnant couple. Daniel and I have had more alone time then we ever wanted and we are fully ready for the challenges of parenthood. After losing your wanted children you kind of get into the "shut up and stop complaining" mode to parents and pregnant women. Now I talk about my symptoms on here, but mostly to document them for myself, they are never meant to be complaints (if they were you would know). Mini rant over.

My appointment is tomorrow. At this appointment we will schedule a date for the gender scan and the anatomy scan. So excited!

Beautiful Heartbeat

I may be biased, but this little one inside of me has the most musical heartbeat I have ever heard. The "thump thump thump" drumming at 170 bpm just brings the biggest smile of relief on my face every time we hear it! Soon we plan to record the heartbeat (better than the recording we have now) so that we can place the recording in a Build-a-Bear and give it to our growing child. It is the most comforting sound between monthly OB appointments and I feel it is also a must-have for angel parents. Five more days till my 14w2d appointment! Soon we can learn the gender of our wonderful miracle! Every moment is a cherished blessing and I am so grateful to be given another chance. Grow Baby Grow!!!

For all who are curious, I am using the Sonoline B 3Mhz Fetal Doppler:

Which should I do?!

Okay, so I have thought off and on about showers for the baby. If you know me, then you know I hate the typical baby showers even before I lost two babies (I just get uncomfortable in big group situations). With the first two babies I never wanted a shower...after all we were doing well financially at the time and I hate asking people for gifts when we could handle the baby things on our own. However...after hospital bills and me being on bed rest (unable to work), we are struggling enough to feel like we aren't just taking from people, but that people are actually helping us when we need the help.

Daniel has an internship this summer and will have a full time job January 2015, but until he starts these positions we are hurting quite a bit. Once he starts working full time we will be well-off, but this isn't until a year from now.

So I have three choices:

Baby Shower: Probably the one I am leaning towards the least because I hate typical baby showers. If I were to have one I would just make it into a lunch/dinner party where spouses are invited, gifts are given, and no cheesy baby shower games are played. It would just be a fun get-together with music, movies, food, and maybe some activities. I want it to be welcoming for those who are struggling for kids (a safe-haven) as well as an enjoyable place for everyone else. This would probably be in July.

Gender Reveal: I am quite interested in a gender reveal, especially because a friend from England might be here in the USA around that time. I think the activities would be more fun and the suspense would be thrilling. This would also be a dinner party, but with a gender reveal item and small games that are bearable (but fun, don't worry). I am thinking about doing this for friends in Utah. This would be around Easter.

Meet and Greet: Call me paranoid...but after two losses it is very easy to imagine never bringing home a baby. This would be the safe option. People could give gifts after the baby comes so if we lose the baby we won't have the heartache of seeing baby items all over the apartment. I am leaning towards doing this for Michigan friends when we bring the baby out to visit family for the first time (maybe for the baby blessing in December or January).

After watching my dreams get crushed over and over again I feel like this baby needs to be celebrated and I would love friends and family to attend if they are available, or at least show support.

For each of these choices I wouldn't ask for gifts, but for money and gift cards so that Daniel and I can buy things we need and not end up with a billion outfits (I am hoping just for hand-me downs) or blankets. That way people can easily send money from further away and I wouldn't have to worry about a registry.

Also, I am a quiet person by nature...this includes me not having many close friends, so I don't even know if any of these options would be do-able. Comment (with your name in post) or post on the facebook link if you would be willing to come to any of these ideas.