I reached my next pregnancy goal last week! After 24 weeks for viability I look forward to 32 weeks, well now I'm 33 weeks (my next goal is 35-36 weeks). I officially got my diagnoses for all my problems the past couple weeks: kidney stones. I hear they are more painful in men, so to my man friends, I'm deeply sorry if you have experienced them. They weren't a walk in the park being pregnant either and I hope to never have them again.
Speaking of parks, the weather is becoming gorgeous!!! I am also getting to the point where long walking trips or chasing a toddler around a field for a half hour exhaust me and trigger lovely bh contractions. We can see the park from our back window and Nathan points to it everyday.
I've also lost my appetite again. I never feel 100% with eating during my pregnancies, but I'm back to the point where everything sounds horrific. I look forward to eating again after having Peter.
While pregnant with Nathan I wrote about my fears during that pregnancy. I think I pinned down my major fears for this one. I feel like my day gets away from me and I don't set aside the time I should for sincere, deep prayers to my Heavenly Father. I'm beat by the end of the day that when I do start saying my prayers I fall asleep before I'm even finished. So today, while Nathan was sweetly asleep against my chest I poured my soul out. I'm glad Nathan didn't wake because by the end his little head was soaked with my tears of love for him and comfort for me.
My first fear is the transition for Nathan. I know people do it all the time. I will miss spending one on one time with him. I also worry about leaving him when I go into labor. We have people who are willing to watch him, but most of those people I have never met and I have an extremely difficult time dropping my boy off with strangers for who knows how long and then when I see him next his whole world will change. This is one of the times I wish we lived close to family. Nathan has only ever known Daniel and myself. He doesn't know what grandparents are. He doesn't know what aunts, uncles, and cousins are. And he won't for a long time. We can't just up and visit family all the time. Sometimes we need people to come to us, which I know is really, really hard. Trust me, we know! We are always the ones to go and it is stressful because of the time, money, and effort (and vacation time used for the traveling). I got sidetracked here...my fear is how my little boy will transition and leaving him when I need to go to the hospital.
My second fear is tearing (thus having a rough recovery). With Nathan my recovery was horrendous. I can't imagine going through that recovery with a toddler who won't understand why mom can't do anything at all. I don't care if I tear a little, I just don't think I can handle the complications and recovery that a 4th degree brings. I didn't even get to enjoy Nathan's first months because I couldn't even care for him. It would be the biggest tender mercy to have an easier recovery so that I can transition Nathan, Daniel, Peter, and myself as smoothly as possible.
I am grateful that I don't fear labor. I never have. I actually look forward to the contractions and the exhilaration of meeting my pure little baby boy. I have a great support team (doula and husband). When I gave birth to Nathan I felt that I was surrounded by all my future children. I look forward to that feeling of being close to the ones I have lost and also the ones I have not had the chance to carry yet. I also look forward to feeling closer to the Atonement. I love thinking about the sacrifice of our Savior during labor and delivery.
My third and last fear is nursing and ties. Nathan had a tight lip tie and a posterior tongue tie. He eventually wouldn't take bottle or breast and we got them released. I know many people say they can nurse with ties and everything went peachy for them, but my son wouldn't eat it was that bad. With Peter I want those taken care of immediately if possible. I want to nurse him. I am a firm believer in the benefits of breast milk. Nathan still drinks a little frozen breast milk a day thanks to my oversupply while exclusively pumping. Exclusively pumping was hard with a colicky baby and recovering from my tear. I remember the first months I would pump standing up each time because I couldn't sit and then we would feed Nathan, and finally wash the bottle parts. It was a lot of work. If I pumped for Peter I would be a slave to the pump again and also take precious time I could be having with Nathan to pump and feed the baby. So much double and triple work. I am willing to do it again though. I just hope Peter and I have a better breastfeeding relationship from the beginning.
So those are my fears that I am working to become master over. And I will defeat them. Time will tell how they go and if the worse of my fears occur, I will meet them when they do and grow from them, like I have with all my trials. That's why I love the Gospel. I don't believe that we are given things we can handle. I believe God gives us trials and tribulations that are above us, because only then will we fall on our knees to come closer to Him. I am counting on building that relationship with Him as well as building a firmer relationship with my dear husband to tackle anything that challenges us. I really am stoked to meet mt Peter. He has a budding personality already. He flips breech to head down at least once a day (ouch to me), and constantly has the hiccups. He is strong and I love him more than he will ever know.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Beginning to see the Light
Wow. these past two weeks have been awful. Awful, awful, awful!
I've had some problems with contractions, bleeding, UTI, possible small kidney stones, and just plain old exhaustion. I feel like all of that is finally calming down (and my cold that I had during that time is gone too). While going through that, Daniel had to pull 12 hour days at work for a huge project. Even when he was home he was often at the computer working or checking his e-mails. Then on top of that, Nathan got sick with a diarrhea bug, which turned into a small cold, which turned into a double ear infection. I was put on temporary bed rest to control the contractions and feeling horrible I had to take care of a sick Nathan, which meant I wasn't doing bed rest at all. I needed help so very badly, but I don't feel right asking for child care when my child is sick (which is often when we all need the help the most, right?). Our house became a disaster zone. We had to cancel our Temple trip which depressed me. Our subletter fell through as well, so we are stuck paying mortgage and rent.
Everything peaked this week when Nathan's temperature spiked dangerously and screamed all day long. We took him to the doctor and got antibiotics for him (I hate antibiotics, especially for developing digestive systems like Nathan's). I am grateful for medications though because he is almost normal again. He is napping again and sleeping better at night (better than being up every hour on the hour). I felt extremely blessed that my bleeding calmed down quickly and contractions let up even though I couldn't take care of myself at all because Nathan had my whole attention. The pain I was in became bearable eventually. I felt the love of our Heavenly Father, knowing He was lifting me up and giving my body the help I needed to care for my family, even if I still felt like I was failing miserably.
Daniel's project should be turned in soon. I am feeling a lot better. Nathan just has to finish his course of antibiotics but he is better. Everything seemed to calm down all at once, just in time for General Conference weekend. Now if only the weather could make up its mind so we can get much needed grocery shopping done.
Peter has been great through this all. He never made me truly worry. In fact, I'm terribly sore all over because he kicks really hard all day long. He is constantly moving. 31+ weeks today. 9-11 more weeks till we meet this sweet boy. I am overjoyed feeling this baby. With how much I hate pregnancy, I love it as well and know what a blessing it is. My pregnancies are rough and scary, but I am eternally grateful that I am able to carry these children (even the ones I have lost are special to me).
We have nothing really ready for this baby yet. We don't need to do much, just dig out Nathan's old things really (which is scattered everywhere from the move). It's still going to take a lot of time and energy to collect and wash everything. We need to get diapers. We plan to cloth again eventually for Peter (Nathan is in disposables now). I don't like our washer and dryer and we need a water softener so I want to wait to cloth until we get that out of the way. We still haven't unpacked a couple of our rooms yet and our garage is a disaster. All stuff we want done before sweet Peter comes. Oh, and Daniel and I need more date nights haha (because we know those will be much fewer after the baby comes).
Thank you for all those who have prayed for us during these past weeks we have struggled. I know your prayers were heard. :)
I've had some problems with contractions, bleeding, UTI, possible small kidney stones, and just plain old exhaustion. I feel like all of that is finally calming down (and my cold that I had during that time is gone too). While going through that, Daniel had to pull 12 hour days at work for a huge project. Even when he was home he was often at the computer working or checking his e-mails. Then on top of that, Nathan got sick with a diarrhea bug, which turned into a small cold, which turned into a double ear infection. I was put on temporary bed rest to control the contractions and feeling horrible I had to take care of a sick Nathan, which meant I wasn't doing bed rest at all. I needed help so very badly, but I don't feel right asking for child care when my child is sick (which is often when we all need the help the most, right?). Our house became a disaster zone. We had to cancel our Temple trip which depressed me. Our subletter fell through as well, so we are stuck paying mortgage and rent.
Everything peaked this week when Nathan's temperature spiked dangerously and screamed all day long. We took him to the doctor and got antibiotics for him (I hate antibiotics, especially for developing digestive systems like Nathan's). I am grateful for medications though because he is almost normal again. He is napping again and sleeping better at night (better than being up every hour on the hour). I felt extremely blessed that my bleeding calmed down quickly and contractions let up even though I couldn't take care of myself at all because Nathan had my whole attention. The pain I was in became bearable eventually. I felt the love of our Heavenly Father, knowing He was lifting me up and giving my body the help I needed to care for my family, even if I still felt like I was failing miserably.
Daniel's project should be turned in soon. I am feeling a lot better. Nathan just has to finish his course of antibiotics but he is better. Everything seemed to calm down all at once, just in time for General Conference weekend. Now if only the weather could make up its mind so we can get much needed grocery shopping done.
Peter has been great through this all. He never made me truly worry. In fact, I'm terribly sore all over because he kicks really hard all day long. He is constantly moving. 31+ weeks today. 9-11 more weeks till we meet this sweet boy. I am overjoyed feeling this baby. With how much I hate pregnancy, I love it as well and know what a blessing it is. My pregnancies are rough and scary, but I am eternally grateful that I am able to carry these children (even the ones I have lost are special to me).
We have nothing really ready for this baby yet. We don't need to do much, just dig out Nathan's old things really (which is scattered everywhere from the move). It's still going to take a lot of time and energy to collect and wash everything. We need to get diapers. We plan to cloth again eventually for Peter (Nathan is in disposables now). I don't like our washer and dryer and we need a water softener so I want to wait to cloth until we get that out of the way. We still haven't unpacked a couple of our rooms yet and our garage is a disaster. All stuff we want done before sweet Peter comes. Oh, and Daniel and I need more date nights haha (because we know those will be much fewer after the baby comes).
Thank you for all those who have prayed for us during these past weeks we have struggled. I know your prayers were heard. :)
Thursday, March 3, 2016
27 weeks with Peter
27 weeks and tired. We chose to move during my second trimester with the hope that I would have more energy to get stuff done, but mostly the packing part was me sitting on the bed, drinking water (because contractions), and watching Daniel pack our belongings. Watching him pack was exhausting. The week of the move I helped a lot more and I did a lot of unpacking help...too much most likely. Then Daniel up and left me to fend for myself and take care of the new house with Nathan in tow and Peter kicking away all day and night (because, you know, job obligations). I'm tired. So...Very...Tired.
But! The move is done. We have a beautiful house and Nathan seems at home. In fact, I think he absolutely loves this place. He loves playing on our hard wood floors (and I cringe every time hoping the sippy cup he threw to the floor for the millionth time doesn't dent the floor), he loves his playroom, and he is eating more since we have settled down. It has been nice being able to get him back into a routine. I am able to remember to brush his teeth, I love cooking again (thus more food options for him), and the dogs have calmed down as well.
And by the time we are completely settled, Peter will come into this world loud and clear to happily disrupt our normal. Now we need to prepare for his arrival.
I have felt blessed during this pregnancy. With Nathan I had many random complications. I was in and out of labor and delivery and worried about making it to term. This baby I've had some problems, but I am able to do more. We are almost to the third trimester and every day he stays cooking is another great day! I have had lots of contractions this pregnancy, but I also have just started to be able to drink enough water to calm them down (leading me to believe they are from stress and dehydration more than anything more out of my control). I have also gone off zofran for almost 2 weeks! Glorious, glorious days of no zofran!!!! I still take unisom and b6 religiously, but one medication down, one more to go!!!
But! The move is done. We have a beautiful house and Nathan seems at home. In fact, I think he absolutely loves this place. He loves playing on our hard wood floors (and I cringe every time hoping the sippy cup he threw to the floor for the millionth time doesn't dent the floor), he loves his playroom, and he is eating more since we have settled down. It has been nice being able to get him back into a routine. I am able to remember to brush his teeth, I love cooking again (thus more food options for him), and the dogs have calmed down as well.
And by the time we are completely settled, Peter will come into this world loud and clear to happily disrupt our normal. Now we need to prepare for his arrival.
I have felt blessed during this pregnancy. With Nathan I had many random complications. I was in and out of labor and delivery and worried about making it to term. This baby I've had some problems, but I am able to do more. We are almost to the third trimester and every day he stays cooking is another great day! I have had lots of contractions this pregnancy, but I also have just started to be able to drink enough water to calm them down (leading me to believe they are from stress and dehydration more than anything more out of my control). I have also gone off zofran for almost 2 weeks! Glorious, glorious days of no zofran!!!! I still take unisom and b6 religiously, but one medication down, one more to go!!!
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Viability Day and Our Name Choice!
I'm not going to write much. This weekend I've been feeling pretty out of it and hoping it's just a UTI I can get diagnosed at my doctors appointment tomorrow (Monday).
I have more milestones in a pregnancy than a normal one. My first milestone is making sure the baby is in my uterus and not ectopic. The second is to make sure after blood tests and ultrasounds that my baby is growing correctly and has a heartbeat in the first trimester. My next milestone is going off progesterone at 12 weeks pregnant. After that they are a little more normal, like when the baby first really starts to kick and when I start feeling like a human being again (which this last one takes longer than most people and I never am able to get off my meds...bummer).
My real next milestone is viability day. It's the day I finally can sit back and breathe. Many people have this day come and go and not realize it or care. For me, I celebrate. I even stayed up till midnight (not on purpose) and smiled, patted Peter and then was able to go to bed knowing that if something happened I could say I am 24 weeks along and doctors would try to give my child a chance at life. This pregnancy was a bit frustrating because my due date varies by nearly a week, so I could have been writing this earlier last week. I choose to go by my latest due date so that I can go as long as I can at the end of pregnancy without being pressured to induce.
Before viability day if people asked me about the pregnancy I would answer, but in the back of my head I would always add "if the baby is a take home baby." I guess I'm a bit of a downer when it comes to pregnancy. But at this stage I become much more positive and I actually start planning and dreaming. Luckily, Peter is bouncing away to reassure me. He likes to kick my bladder because he is still breech and has been thus far. I'm not terribly worried since he has lots of time to turn, but I don't want him to get comfortable being head up.
Oh, and I'm sure you noticed that we named him. I like to name my babies before they are born so that I can bond with them and I can talk about them like a human being that they are. I also think it makes the pregnancy more real for family and friends who live away from us (which is like, everyone). So this baby's name is Peter Myron Gunnell. Named after the apostle and one of Daniel's grandparents.
Unrelated baby news for those who don't ever see us include picking a doula (yay) and the fact that we will close on our first house at the end of this month (bonus, we have a spare room so please come visit)! News about Nathan: he says a ton of words now. I'm a little embarrassed that he says "don't touch that." He will be 17 months old in a few days and is a great joy in our lives. I am nervous but excited to see him as a big brother.
I guess I did write a lot for not feeling well. :) I guess I'm a talker.
I have more milestones in a pregnancy than a normal one. My first milestone is making sure the baby is in my uterus and not ectopic. The second is to make sure after blood tests and ultrasounds that my baby is growing correctly and has a heartbeat in the first trimester. My next milestone is going off progesterone at 12 weeks pregnant. After that they are a little more normal, like when the baby first really starts to kick and when I start feeling like a human being again (which this last one takes longer than most people and I never am able to get off my meds...bummer).
My real next milestone is viability day. It's the day I finally can sit back and breathe. Many people have this day come and go and not realize it or care. For me, I celebrate. I even stayed up till midnight (not on purpose) and smiled, patted Peter and then was able to go to bed knowing that if something happened I could say I am 24 weeks along and doctors would try to give my child a chance at life. This pregnancy was a bit frustrating because my due date varies by nearly a week, so I could have been writing this earlier last week. I choose to go by my latest due date so that I can go as long as I can at the end of pregnancy without being pressured to induce.
Before viability day if people asked me about the pregnancy I would answer, but in the back of my head I would always add "if the baby is a take home baby." I guess I'm a bit of a downer when it comes to pregnancy. But at this stage I become much more positive and I actually start planning and dreaming. Luckily, Peter is bouncing away to reassure me. He likes to kick my bladder because he is still breech and has been thus far. I'm not terribly worried since he has lots of time to turn, but I don't want him to get comfortable being head up.
Oh, and I'm sure you noticed that we named him. I like to name my babies before they are born so that I can bond with them and I can talk about them like a human being that they are. I also think it makes the pregnancy more real for family and friends who live away from us (which is like, everyone). So this baby's name is Peter Myron Gunnell. Named after the apostle and one of Daniel's grandparents.
Unrelated baby news for those who don't ever see us include picking a doula (yay) and the fact that we will close on our first house at the end of this month (bonus, we have a spare room so please come visit)! News about Nathan: he says a ton of words now. I'm a little embarrassed that he says "don't touch that." He will be 17 months old in a few days and is a great joy in our lives. I am nervous but excited to see him as a big brother.
I guess I did write a lot for not feeling well. :) I guess I'm a talker.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
20 Week Update Baby #2
I'm still feeling cruddy, BUT I feel like a human being again (on medications) and I will be forever grateful for that. I am feeling well enough to sit and enjoy this boy kicking me and think about when he will join our family. I am beginning to feel more bonded with him and we are occasionally thinking about names. We may have even picked his name already, but just waiting to see if it passes the test of daily use around the house. I can eat one meal a day at least but then I feel sick the rest of the day, but I am just happy to be able to eat and sometimes even drink part of the time. Acid reflux, like with Nathan, is already kicking my butt.
This pregnancy has also been difficult because I watch Nathan all day, but I love both my boys and I will do all I can for them (even if I am wiped out by noon). Nathan is growing up so fast. He knows about 40 signs now! I can't believe it! All that watching Signing Time while I was puking my guts out really worked out. It makes me feel like the TV time wasn't the end of the world because he gained a whole new way to communicate (just validating my mom guilt).
He also will tolerate and ask for Daniel Tiger now (thank goodness because I am bored of Signing Time). His favorite words are "up, bubbles, tuba, and yeah." He loves giving kisses and hugs and his favorite things in the world are the dogs. When he wakes up for a nap the first thing he asks for are the dogs. If the dogs aren't around he cries. He loves his dad and one of my favorite parts of the day is when Daniel comes home and the dogs go crazy and Nathan runs around the house like a crazy child yelling "DADA!" It melts my heart every time. He also likes watching football (Who's child is this?).
This week is going to be busy. We are waiting for news about a potential house, I have my anatomy scan, and I am starting my doula hunt. All exciting (and stressful) things!!!
All in all, I'm in love. My toddler is wonderful even when he is a handful. My growing baby is a blessing and miracle that I ponder about when I'm not chasing Nathan down the hall. And Daniel. Daniel is my support, my rock, and my life line. He has never failed to make me smile or even laugh when I feel like crying. He takes Nathan when I have had it physically, mentally, and emotionally for the day without complaint. He is more than I could have ever hoped for. I am grateful for my trials in life to bring me closer to my family and to Heavenly Father as well. I feel blessed during my trials and so very loved and guided.
One day I will get around to taking a belly picture...one day, but not this day, or tomorrow....
This pregnancy has also been difficult because I watch Nathan all day, but I love both my boys and I will do all I can for them (even if I am wiped out by noon). Nathan is growing up so fast. He knows about 40 signs now! I can't believe it! All that watching Signing Time while I was puking my guts out really worked out. It makes me feel like the TV time wasn't the end of the world because he gained a whole new way to communicate (just validating my mom guilt).
He also will tolerate and ask for Daniel Tiger now (thank goodness because I am bored of Signing Time). His favorite words are "up, bubbles, tuba, and yeah." He loves giving kisses and hugs and his favorite things in the world are the dogs. When he wakes up for a nap the first thing he asks for are the dogs. If the dogs aren't around he cries. He loves his dad and one of my favorite parts of the day is when Daniel comes home and the dogs go crazy and Nathan runs around the house like a crazy child yelling "DADA!" It melts my heart every time. He also likes watching football (Who's child is this?).
This week is going to be busy. We are waiting for news about a potential house, I have my anatomy scan, and I am starting my doula hunt. All exciting (and stressful) things!!!
All in all, I'm in love. My toddler is wonderful even when he is a handful. My growing baby is a blessing and miracle that I ponder about when I'm not chasing Nathan down the hall. And Daniel. Daniel is my support, my rock, and my life line. He has never failed to make me smile or even laugh when I feel like crying. He takes Nathan when I have had it physically, mentally, and emotionally for the day without complaint. He is more than I could have ever hoped for. I am grateful for my trials in life to bring me closer to my family and to Heavenly Father as well. I feel blessed during my trials and so very loved and guided.
One day I will get around to taking a belly picture...one day, but not this day, or tomorrow....
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Hyperemesis Drama
What is hyperemeis gravidarum? That is the question I get the most these days. The simple definition that I tell most people is that it is extreme morning sickness. But that is by far the biggest understatement I've ever said. It feels almost like a lie.
So what is hyperemesis? It's feeling like death. It's a living hell. It's breathing and existing, but simultaneously not. It's being burdened with the largest amount of guilt. It's watching life move on without you. It's not being able to do what you enjoy. It's quite a lot like depression in that way.
But how do I really feel? My days often go like this: I wake up, I swallow whatever pills that I need to take in the morning, I pray that they stay down because the moment I leave my bedroom and step into the front room I am overwhelmed with the smell of my apartment and I can't stand it at all.
I sit on the couch while Daniel gets Nathan and himself ready for the day, He leaves for work by 9am because I spend a half hour telling him how miserable I am and how I want him to stay home because I can't do this alone another day, I complain that I've become the biggest whiner in the history of whiners, Daniel finally leaves, I attempt play with Nathan which ends up with me in a bucket or huddled against the couch praying that I won't throw up and that Nathan won't poop.
I change poopy diapers and throw it out on our balcony. I congratulate myself if I haven't thrown up yet, Nathan then begs me for signing time (he signs for it), I turn it on while feeling the guilt that he spends hours a day watching it (I'm sick of watching signing time), he watches me for most of the episodes because he likes me to sing and sign the songs and most times I try to do my best.
I try to put on a smile for my son. I end up crying with how overwhelmed I am with not being able to play or care for my son the way I should. I feed Nathan and try not to throw up while giving him foods then I bathe him because I can't stand the smell of food on him. I sit for an hour asking him to let me change his poopy diaper again but he refuses to let me change him without chasing him. Chasing him makes me sick.
I attempt to put him down for a nap which can take multiple attempts and when he is finally down he sleeps for half an hour and wakes up screaming. This kid has never been a great napper. I kiss his injuries, I hug him, I sing to him, I try to make life as normal as possible, I suck it up all for my son, and when Daniel comes home late I cry again.
When Daniel does come home I either sit on the couch trying not to talk (talking, movement, and light makes me sick) or enclose myself in my bedroom which means I am not seeing Nathan play and interact. Daniel does all the chores, errands, and care for Nathan when he is home. At night I gag down my cocktail of pills and try to sleep but I also worry about what the next day will hold.
A zofran day is nearly the same thing except I can play with Nathan just a little bit more. I can talk just a little bit more. I drink a little bit more. But zofran days have their own added bonuses of debilitating migraines and constipation (which is hard to fix when you can't eat or drink and stool softeners decide to not work very well). I go days off of zofran to help me feel better in those ways, but then I am not able to move or talk without being sick. I can't win.
I've decided that my next baby I am begging for iv therapy. I should of had that for this baby. I should be going to get iv fluids a couple times a week at least, but my experience at urgent care was so negative I can't bring myself to go there again.
Next to the guilt of not being able to care for my family is the feeling of inadequacy when I realize people think I have normal morning sickness. It seems like I am the only one who can't handle life and pregnancy. Even after I explain how I have felt for the past 15 weeks they still don't understand. No one can unless you have gone through this. I get a lot of "how are you feeling today" and "hope you feel better soon" like it's a cold. I get sick of telling people after this long that it isn't getting better. This question makes me feel like I am asking for attention or sympathy when I say I'm still not feeling well. It makes me feel like I am weak. I am NOT asking for attention. I am an introvert. I prefer to be alone, so it is so hard for me to ask for help and have people around all the time. Trust me, this is no where near attention seeking. I feel guilty asking for help.
Meals mean leftovers, which then means I can't go near the kitchen till they are gone or watch while it is being eaten. Though it is a double edged sword because meals feed my son and husband! I appreciate the meals we have received.
There are those who have come to help with Nathan for an hour or two here or there and I am grateful, bonus points to those who don't make me feel like I am useless and uplift me instead! I love those who have dropped by (with a text or call) and given me things I need without me asking! The beauty of doing service for someone without being asked! Seriously it makes my day and makes me feel loved! I've felt isolated and alone and like a nuisance so any help from people without me asking is welcomed.
I'm praying I will begin to feel better by the beginning of January. I need to come to terms that this pregnancy is harder than it was with Nathan. I need to come to terms that I am alone in this other than my wonderful husband, the few people who have shown compassion, and our Heavenly Father.
Daniel asked me if I would change anything we did. No. Every pregnancy was planned for. All five of them. It hasn't been easy for me constantly being pregnant and losing babies. It's not easy not being able to enjoy the pregnancies that do become successful ones. My body is tired. My heart is tired.
I am grateful for this little baby growing inside me everyday. I think of my friends who have struggled more than me everyday and feel awful for complaining. I know the gift I have.
We just need love. Help us to feel loved. That's all we ask, because right now I feel like I am drowning.
So what is hyperemesis? It's feeling like death. It's a living hell. It's breathing and existing, but simultaneously not. It's being burdened with the largest amount of guilt. It's watching life move on without you. It's not being able to do what you enjoy. It's quite a lot like depression in that way.
But how do I really feel? My days often go like this: I wake up, I swallow whatever pills that I need to take in the morning, I pray that they stay down because the moment I leave my bedroom and step into the front room I am overwhelmed with the smell of my apartment and I can't stand it at all.
I sit on the couch while Daniel gets Nathan and himself ready for the day, He leaves for work by 9am because I spend a half hour telling him how miserable I am and how I want him to stay home because I can't do this alone another day, I complain that I've become the biggest whiner in the history of whiners, Daniel finally leaves, I attempt play with Nathan which ends up with me in a bucket or huddled against the couch praying that I won't throw up and that Nathan won't poop.
I change poopy diapers and throw it out on our balcony. I congratulate myself if I haven't thrown up yet, Nathan then begs me for signing time (he signs for it), I turn it on while feeling the guilt that he spends hours a day watching it (I'm sick of watching signing time), he watches me for most of the episodes because he likes me to sing and sign the songs and most times I try to do my best.
I try to put on a smile for my son. I end up crying with how overwhelmed I am with not being able to play or care for my son the way I should. I feed Nathan and try not to throw up while giving him foods then I bathe him because I can't stand the smell of food on him. I sit for an hour asking him to let me change his poopy diaper again but he refuses to let me change him without chasing him. Chasing him makes me sick.
I attempt to put him down for a nap which can take multiple attempts and when he is finally down he sleeps for half an hour and wakes up screaming. This kid has never been a great napper. I kiss his injuries, I hug him, I sing to him, I try to make life as normal as possible, I suck it up all for my son, and when Daniel comes home late I cry again.
When Daniel does come home I either sit on the couch trying not to talk (talking, movement, and light makes me sick) or enclose myself in my bedroom which means I am not seeing Nathan play and interact. Daniel does all the chores, errands, and care for Nathan when he is home. At night I gag down my cocktail of pills and try to sleep but I also worry about what the next day will hold.
A zofran day is nearly the same thing except I can play with Nathan just a little bit more. I can talk just a little bit more. I drink a little bit more. But zofran days have their own added bonuses of debilitating migraines and constipation (which is hard to fix when you can't eat or drink and stool softeners decide to not work very well). I go days off of zofran to help me feel better in those ways, but then I am not able to move or talk without being sick. I can't win.
I've decided that my next baby I am begging for iv therapy. I should of had that for this baby. I should be going to get iv fluids a couple times a week at least, but my experience at urgent care was so negative I can't bring myself to go there again.
Next to the guilt of not being able to care for my family is the feeling of inadequacy when I realize people think I have normal morning sickness. It seems like I am the only one who can't handle life and pregnancy. Even after I explain how I have felt for the past 15 weeks they still don't understand. No one can unless you have gone through this. I get a lot of "how are you feeling today" and "hope you feel better soon" like it's a cold. I get sick of telling people after this long that it isn't getting better. This question makes me feel like I am asking for attention or sympathy when I say I'm still not feeling well. It makes me feel like I am weak. I am NOT asking for attention. I am an introvert. I prefer to be alone, so it is so hard for me to ask for help and have people around all the time. Trust me, this is no where near attention seeking. I feel guilty asking for help.
Meals mean leftovers, which then means I can't go near the kitchen till they are gone or watch while it is being eaten. Though it is a double edged sword because meals feed my son and husband! I appreciate the meals we have received.
There are those who have come to help with Nathan for an hour or two here or there and I am grateful, bonus points to those who don't make me feel like I am useless and uplift me instead! I love those who have dropped by (with a text or call) and given me things I need without me asking! The beauty of doing service for someone without being asked! Seriously it makes my day and makes me feel loved! I've felt isolated and alone and like a nuisance so any help from people without me asking is welcomed.
I'm praying I will begin to feel better by the beginning of January. I need to come to terms that this pregnancy is harder than it was with Nathan. I need to come to terms that I am alone in this other than my wonderful husband, the few people who have shown compassion, and our Heavenly Father.
Daniel asked me if I would change anything we did. No. Every pregnancy was planned for. All five of them. It hasn't been easy for me constantly being pregnant and losing babies. It's not easy not being able to enjoy the pregnancies that do become successful ones. My body is tired. My heart is tired.
I am grateful for this little baby growing inside me everyday. I think of my friends who have struggled more than me everyday and feel awful for complaining. I know the gift I have.
We just need love. Help us to feel loved. That's all we ask, because right now I feel like I am drowning.
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