I will be Master of my Fears

I reached my next pregnancy goal last week! After 24 weeks for viability I look forward to 32 weeks, well now I'm 33 weeks (my next goal is 35-36 weeks). I officially got my diagnoses for all my problems the past couple weeks: kidney stones. I hear they are more painful in men, so to my man friends, I'm deeply sorry if you have experienced them. They weren't a walk in the park being pregnant either and I hope to never have them again.

Speaking of parks, the weather is becoming gorgeous!!! I am also getting to the point where long walking trips or chasing a toddler around a field for a half hour exhaust me and trigger lovely bh contractions. We can see the park from our back window and Nathan points to it everyday.

I've also lost my appetite again. I never feel 100% with eating during my pregnancies, but I'm back to the point where everything sounds horrific. I look forward to eating again after having Peter.

While pregnant with Nathan I wrote about my fears during that pregnancy. I think I pinned down my major fears for this one. I feel like my day gets away from me and I don't set aside the time I should for sincere, deep prayers to my Heavenly Father. I'm beat by the end of the day that when I do start saying my prayers I fall asleep before I'm even finished. So today, while Nathan was sweetly asleep against my chest I poured my soul out. I'm glad Nathan didn't wake because by the end his little head was soaked with my tears of love for him and comfort for me.

My first fear is the transition for Nathan. I know people do it all the time. I will miss spending one on one time with him. I also worry about leaving him when I go into labor. We have people who are willing to watch him, but most of those people I have never met and I have an extremely difficult time dropping my boy off with strangers for who knows how long and then when I see him next his whole world will change. This is one of the times I wish we lived close to family. Nathan has only ever known Daniel and myself. He doesn't know what grandparents are. He doesn't know what aunts, uncles, and cousins are. And he won't for a long time. We can't just up and visit family all the time. Sometimes we need people to come to us, which I know is really, really hard. Trust me, we know! We are always the ones to go and it is stressful because of the time, money, and effort (and vacation time used for the traveling). I got sidetracked here...my fear is how my little boy will transition and leaving him when I need to go to the hospital.

My second fear is tearing (thus having a rough recovery). With Nathan my recovery was horrendous. I can't imagine going through that recovery with a toddler who won't understand why mom can't do anything at all. I don't care if I tear a little, I just don't think I can handle the complications and recovery that a 4th degree brings. I didn't even get to enjoy Nathan's first months because I couldn't even care for him. It would be the biggest tender mercy to have an easier recovery so that I can transition Nathan, Daniel, Peter, and myself as smoothly as possible.

I am grateful that I don't fear labor. I never have. I actually look forward to the contractions and the exhilaration of meeting my pure little baby boy. I have a great support team (doula and husband). When I gave birth to Nathan I felt that I was surrounded by all my future children. I look forward to that feeling of being close to the ones I have lost and also the ones I have not had the chance to carry yet. I also look forward to feeling closer to the Atonement. I love thinking about the sacrifice of our Savior during labor and delivery.

My third and last fear is nursing and ties. Nathan had a tight lip tie and a posterior tongue tie. He eventually wouldn't take bottle or breast and we got them released. I know many people say they can nurse with ties and everything went peachy for them, but my son wouldn't eat it was that bad. With Peter I want those taken care of immediately if possible. I want to nurse him. I am a firm believer in the benefits of breast milk. Nathan still drinks a little frozen breast milk a day thanks to my oversupply while exclusively pumping. Exclusively pumping was hard with a colicky baby and recovering from my tear. I remember the first months I would pump standing up each time because I couldn't sit and then we would feed Nathan, and finally wash the bottle parts. It was a lot of work. If I pumped for Peter I would be a slave to the pump again and also take precious time I could be having with Nathan to pump and feed the baby. So much double and triple work. I am willing to do it again though. I just hope Peter and I have a better breastfeeding relationship from the beginning.

So those are my fears that I am working to become master over. And I will defeat them. Time will tell how they go and if the worse of my fears occur, I will meet them when they do and grow from them, like I have with all my trials. That's why I love the Gospel. I don't believe that we are given things we can handle. I believe God gives us trials and tribulations that are above us, because only then will we fall on our knees to come closer to Him. I am counting on building that relationship with Him as well as building a firmer relationship with my dear husband to tackle anything that challenges us. I really am stoked to meet mt Peter. He has a budding personality already. He flips breech to head down at least once a day (ouch to me), and constantly has the hiccups. He is strong and I love him more than he will ever know.